A funny take on the idiocracy in the managment of large discount chains. I worked at a K-mart during high school, so I appreciated the reality behind the humor. I think this is a funny, timely story that needs a little work. There were quite a few typos, but not anything that overwhelmed the writing, but it did slow the read down. I took notes of what I caught...I'm notorious for typos and only catch them, after I have uploaded my work.
Pg 2 In the line where Lettie says she is waiting to get old enough for medicare to kick. You're missing a word.
pg 13* outlined.
pg 18 has a couple of extra spaces between dialogue and I think you meant to write "but they never walk..."
pg23 "like two adults"; Pg 30 think you meant long instead of song; Pg 34 Debbie thanks herself; Pg 59 Frank's line "if I'm telling you the truth."
On to my impressions: I would have liked to have seen you use Karen a little more in the story. I liked that we were left to think she was sleeping with someone in upper-management and think there is a lot of potential for humor, if she's given more of a role, more of a chance to stir the pot.
Don't get me wrong; this is funny material, just a little underdeveloped. I think you could beef it up with Karen, maybe go a little deeper into the feud between CROAK and the Christians. I think that is what would take this from funny to hilarious. The potential is there and this is something a lot of people woud watch, relate to, and get a good laugh along the way.
Overall, I think this is funny and great first draft, just needs a little work.
A funny take on the idiocracy in the managment of large discount chains. I worked at a K-mart during high school, so I appreciated the reality behind the humor. I think this is a funny, timely story that needs a little work. There were quite a few typos, but not anything that overwhelmed the writing, but it did slow the read down. I took notes of what I caught...I'm notorious for typos and only catch them, after I have uploaded my work.
Pg 2 In the line where Lettie says she is waiting to get old enough for medicare to kick. You're missing a word.
pg 13* outlined.
pg 18 has a couple of extra spaces between dialogue and I think you meant to write "but they never walk..."
pg23 "like two adults"; Pg 30 think you meant long instead of song; Pg 34 Debbie thanks herself; Pg 59 Frank's line "if I'm telling you the truth."
On to my impressions: I would have liked to have seen you use Karen a little more in the story. I liked that we were left to think she was sleeping with someone in upper-management and think there is a lot of potential for humor, if she's given more of a role, more of a chance to stir the pot.
Don't get me wrong; this is funny material, just a little underdeveloped. I think you could beef it up with Karen, maybe go a little deeper into the feud between CROAK and the Christians. I think that is what would take this from funny to hilarious. The potential is there and this is something a lot of people woud watch, relate to, and get a good laugh along the way.
Overall, I think this is funny and great first draft, just needs a little work.
Good luck!