All Reviews

Let me preface everything by saying that I have not read your screenplay. I also can see the skill on display in some of the artwork here. I completely respect the amount of time you obviously spent on putting something like this together.

Hopefully you will take this as constructive because that’s all that’s intended here.

1. Audio -- The audio needs a lot of work. When you are storyboarding like this, it’s so important that the sound track is awesome. There is an echo on the dialogue which makes it difficult to understand what the characters are saying. To make matters worse your levels on the music and the sound effects drown this out even more. Being unfamiliar with your screenplay, I’m relying on the audio and pictures to understand what is happening. For me the voices were not distinctive enough to tell the characters apart.

2. Unclear Images -- The art is clear, what's happening in the art is not. Perhaps the bigger problem is actually the images. I hate to say that because it’s obvious a lot of time was spent on these. Some of the frames look really nice, the problem is from one frame to the next I cannot tell which character is which. Within scenes I could stay with the characters, but not from from there on. The style and quality of the frames bounces around considerably if you had more frames like what at 17:40 I could better distinguish the characters. Even your lead character blends in. I think you have to be even more careful considering it's a Western and everyone dresses about the same.

Additionally, there were plenty of places where you are probably in needs for some extra frames to better communicate what’s going on. I feel like a broken record, but I was lost.

3. Communicating the story -- Considering the increasing competition for the test movie prize at a minimum your pictures and sound will have to be able to communicate what’s written in your screenplay to your audience. I honestly watched the whole thing and could gather a guy came home, got married, his wife was killed and he became a vigilante to get the guys who got his wife. I can’t tell you about any of the characters, what they want, etc.

4. Running Time --The other concern is that at 70 minutes this is nowhere near meaty enough for a feature and to be honest the entire 70 minutes dragged. I cannot imagine beefing this up to 90. Now perhaps this is also related to my problems with the audio and storyboard.

I’d like to be able to go and talk about the story specifically. It’s difficult for me to give you any help on the story here because I could not understand what was happening most of the time. Since I could not figure out who was who, I couldn’t put a stamp on their interests, their goals, their motivations. Perhaps these problems disappear with an improved audio track, but I have a feeling the pictures will still be a point of confusion.

I’d encourage you to watch it with a friend who has NO IDEA what you’ve written and tell them to ask you questions or have them try to tell the story to you. If they can explain what’s happening, who the characters are, which characters are in the scenes, what’s happening in the scenes, then perhaps the problem is just with me. If they can’t then that can be valuable feedback to use when revising it.

Out of respect for you, I will not grade the individual strengths and weaknesses, because I could not follow, but I will grade the film as a whole.

I hope this gives you some juice to go back, make a revision and gun for August. Best of Luck.

The story won best screenplay a few months back and I gave it a read. I couldn't get through it as I found it slow and confusing. And I like Westerns.
I found the test movie to be even more confusing. I didn't quite understand what was going on. But I made a deal with Ryu to exchange reviews so I watched the whole movie. The production value was adequate, but that really is not my focus as I'm looking for a compelling story.
As best as I could determine, the protagonist a man of letters, musters out of the Union Army and goes home to his sweetheart, marrys, and together they head West to San Diego. An arduous journey in 1866. New Mexico and Arizona were territores ruled by Apaches and Comaches. Marauding gangs and bandits were everywhere. A veteran traveling alone with his wife? Didn't find it credible.
The dialogue was too 20th century. When one of the bad guys holds up a train he says, "Don't even think...". This was New Mexico territory, I believe, not the uban Northeast of the 20th century.
The premise of the second act is also incredulous. A young engaged woman travels alone on a railroad yet to be built historically, seeking to rescue her brother, 19, riding with murderous marauders because he's "just a boy." Not in 1866 he wasn't. See the classic "Unforgiven" with Clint Eastwood. Muny leaves his farm and his two children, both less than 10 years old alone. He doesn't know when of if he is coming back. True to the times. People were given duty and responsibility at a young age as a matter of course. The idea that an engaged woman would get involved with a 19 year old man about his business didn't ring true.
The woman protagonist, was her name Julia? walks unescorted into a saloon and convinces two bad guys to take her out to the desert alone shooting. I assume these were part of the gang that raped and killed Rayfield's wife. But it doesn't matter, didn't find it believable. Maybe a dance hall girl or a teamster type like Calamity Jane, but not Julia. Not in character.
I truly tried to suspend my disbelief and just go with it, but there were too many cases like this, and again instead of getting lost in the story I kept trying to figure it out.
But AS (the only real opinion that counts) liked it and I can only surmise it was because of the genre and the spine of the story.
ACT 1- An educated and peaceful man's wife is brutally raped and murdered by bad guys. Does anyone remember Death Wish? Charles Bronson made a career out of a tenderfoot who becomes a gunfighter to avenge his wife and daughter, brutally raped and murdered by scum. A good premise.
ACT II-Now a feared bounty hunter, Rayfield Scott services are sought by a beautiful woman seeking to rescue a loved one. He reluctantly agrees and in the process begins to change his character arc.
ACT III- The final shootout. All issues get resolved, but at a price. Rayfield Scott with the help of a woman finds redemption and love.
All the elements of a good Western. Trouble is it is poorly executed. This Test Movie kills this spine of a story deader than Osama Bin Laden.
Of course, I wouldn't even know the spine of the story if I hadn't watched the test movie all the way through. So, the Test movie served its purpose.
The 1st and 2nd acts need to be re-written, or at the very least re-directed. The 3rd act beginning with the train scene is okay. But you don't have act 3 without the first two.
Or better yet, don't do a test movie of Rayfield Scott. Don't change a word. You've aleady won. I would market solely on that basis. My calling card to agents would be Rayfield Scott won $20,000
(be sure to mention the money) at AS and I'm looking for an agency to push it to the next step.
All scripts get re-written anyway.

I watched this without reading the synopsis as requested (never saw until afterwards anyhow) it should stand alone = I NEVER read reviews of any movies that I see as I want to enjoy the 'experience'.

Notwithstanding any of that I did quite enjoy and managed to watch uninterrupted all the whole way through.

In terms of the 'movie' itself - I thought that the majority of the sound efx's and music was pretty good, although the dialogue sound recording has a lot to be desired.

In addition I found the actual words spoken a big weakness in terms of the story itself, a lot seemed wooden, on the nose and without any real emotion = in need of a rewrite to bring it more to 'life'.

On the plus side I thought that the artist done a fantastic job and if the comp is judged on that you'll probably win this month!

All the very best going forward with this project - Jim.