All Reviews

More concise than the original draft definitely. It also upped the humor and one-liners in my opinion. The problem is that it kept most of the biggest flaws of the original. (Note: Just read the 2nd draft from the original creators and the problems persist).

In trying to give the secondary characters purpose and something to do they end up being much more active than the protagonist Owen. His friend has to talk him into going to Ohio. His friend calculates her areas of frequency (which if Owen is worth his salt as a stalker would be able to figure out much faster than Rishi and 4square). His friends figure out how to get a car. His friends decide to blast his info on facebook for help. His friends do the driving. His friends figure out how to accept D'Mario's friendship with a fake profile. His friends do most of the fighting and take most of the beatings. His friends sacrifice their time and bodies and possessions. When Owen wants to end the quest they convince him to continue. Does Owen do anything or sacrifice anything to reach his goal? Very very little. He doesn't even vanquish the bad guy. Pants does it while Owen is being saved by his friends. In short, the story revolves around a guy that hardly does anything.

The bad guy is a joke, almost to the point of being racist. Would Owen's dream girl really be a club hoppin' gangsta rapper dating singer? Really? Sure she only hangs at the club because somehow even though D'Mario would kill for her he won't step foot in a weird club. And if he's willing to kill for her then why stage an elaborate farce with the hooker? Why are there bedrooms and sex toys in a music studio? Is Owen's dreamgirl really the type that would want to record an album there? Again, if he's willing to kill Owen to keep Jessica then why not just kill Owen? Apparently his thugs have no problem shooting up a public place with hundreds of witnesses or starting fights with strangers in internet cafes, so why tip-toe around Owen as if they're threatened by a slacker white boy that never leaves home?

The love triangle with MoBu is interesting but kills the premise. The premise is that you can truly fall in love over the internet and know them deeply even if you haven't met. But when you say, that's only true for Owen and not for MoBu then it seems random. Why is Owen's love real but MoBu's is not? How can she just move on to Rishi but Owen can't give up on Jessica? Obviously MoBu is willing to die for Owen. She puts herself in repeated danger just to save Owen on his quest for another girl. When you say her love isn't good enough to get what she wants but a much less active character like Owen does get what he wants then it dilutes the concept of that love.

Jeff Pants is interesting but completely superfluous. Is Owen such a great guy that he has not one, not two, but THREE people from the internet that are willing to die for him and follow him on this insane quest? I haven't seen any indication that he's such a great guy. In fact, he seems like a loser. He can't put his own self pity aside for two minutes to help Rishi land Avery in the beginning, but Rishi puts his life in danger to help Owen land his girl. Great guy, that Owen. Jeff Pants adds nothing plot wise. He doesn't contribute to the main character's emotional growth (if Owen even has any). I like him but it'd be a cleaner script without him.

Jessica is a huge problem. Why does she reach out to Owen instead of all her other, more local, friends and relatives? Is it because she kind of loves him? If she kind of loves him, would she really get engaged to a thug? If she doesn't love Owen because she doesn't really know him yet, are we supposed to believe that she then starts loving him at first sight? If so, then I fail to see why Owen is so loveable. And, again, you screw MoBu by saying Owen is worthy but she's not. Jessica is the all-american girl next door. I should live next door to a girl that sings in a studio/brothel and dates gangsta rappers. Even in the new draft from the original people it has the bad guy as some internet entrepreneur which doesn't solve the problem. When you say that Jessica would not only date but get engaged to a sociopath, you are saying a lot about the girl herself. There's really no explanation why Owen loves her so much (and even less why she's love Owen)

I just started reviewing scripts... I thought it would be a lot of fun. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here, but this was BAD. I only opened it because it was top rated. I gave a 2 star to character and story structure , because I was able to understand the characters are losers, and the story developed that much. Other than that everything was bad. OMG don't let this win.

First off it's a great premise. The results of our online and real worlds colliding just make for awesome comedy. Four online friends who find themselves crammed in a Prius on a road trip to save the princess is hilarious. The dynamics between the four make up the strongest parts of the script. As much as I dug the Prius 4 I never really got connected with Jessica. You guys definitely made me believe that Owen was crazy for this girl he never met. I never questioned that premise at all. I just didn't get why the audience would like her. When he meet her she's being distant and a little nasty to the hero. If you can establish early on that Jessica is a character that the audience will like and should care about her life being in danger then this script will be even more solid. Looking forward to the revisions.