All Reviews

I decided to check this one out, because it appears to be the oldest script on AS, and I have been reading only the latest uploads. I am glad I decided to check it out, Here's the deal with this one: it's a former model, turned soccer-mom, and now driving a minivan. It is a tired, and tested plot, but underneath the mom-jeans it has some potential. Throw some make-up on it, pour it into a push-up bra, and lose the lunchbox wheels. What you will have is a polished MILF, ready to take on the world. Below I have listed a few basic improvements, however, they are just my opinion.

All in all, it has potential, but IT NEEDS THAT WOW FACTOR!!! In order for somebody to want to watch the same tired story, there has to be a chance for them to see something that they didn't expect. The million dollar twist...and I'm afraid that serving up the main character as the first victim, is not exactly what I mean. It is too funny, too poppy, to sitcom-ish, and too devoid of originality. You have the skeleton of something great. I think that with some serious reworking of the plot, and a few added victims earlier on, it has the potential to break out of the current direct-to-video slot that it would rightfully be placed at this time. Spend some energy focusing on the character's, rework the dialogue, and the sky is the limit. Good luck with it.

Jeremy McCoy

POSSIBLE FIXES:

1. Character continued’s, no longer are used in dialogue scripting.
2. Woman should be named Mother, and man outside should be Father. It adds an emotional element to the perception of the character.
3. Page 2 Fixes – “She gestures to the DISHES drying in the rack”. Then cut the following dialogue, for better flow, and a tidy lower page count. The first scene could be trimmed an entire page.
4. “She opens the cabinet doors to see the scattered utensils.” Flows better.
5. Woman comes off in a demanding, vs. nurturing tone.
6. Page 6. While I really like the idea you present for the pan out to the exterior, camera angles, and direction have no place in a spec. This is simply because the Director will do whatever he decides regardless, and readers see it as amateurish.
7. Why are the police drawing guns on the victimized child? It seems unrealistic. This entire element of the story is sketchy, because the boy does not do enough to merit being a suspect, or killer, over simply being a victim. Throughout the script, he is not villainous enough, have him kill a few of the cops or something. Otherwise it's not enough to go on.
8. Pages 8-9. The dialogue exchange about the mathlete, and the make out after, does not make sense. The character’s seem like they belong on a late night TV movie comedy romp from the 90’s. Certainly not modern teens, in Kentucky.
9. Page 11. First action line – “The” is doubled.
10. Page 12. Kerri – “You’re a toolshed” line. No go.
11. “Don’t be jealous”, has been used by two different characters, in the first few pages. If it is said again, I’m taking points.
12. Page 13. Tucker –“whole of Kentucky”, and coming should be cumming.
13. “Subtract the clothes, divide those legs, add a condom, and hope you don't multiply”. I love it, is it yours?
14. You could just say “Tucker shoots him a look”. Since you state what kind of look in his dialogue. You do this often actually.
15. Page 29. Do we cut away to Chad’s truck, or Keri just screams her dialogue for us to hear over the wind?
16. Page 22. The entire rest stop bathroom scene needs re-writing. Lloyd would not kick open every stall one by one if he had already seen Clyde in the last one. Also the killer hiding in the shadows of the stall is unrealistic.
17. Page 24. Graham – “Dude, I don’t think that’s right” is unrealistic in this scenario.
18. The male characters are all a bit to flirty with each other, making their relationship dynamics seem unrealistic. These are teenage boys, in the south. Not twenty somethings on the upper-east side of Manhattan.
19. Page 25. Keri’s last dialogue. Unrealistic, and has typo’s.
20. Page 26. The dialogue between the females, seems unnatural, and male influenced.
21. Page 27. Old Man saying “You’re the one that’s fucked”. No go.
22. Just a note. Since page one, I have continually sensed an element of forced comedy, where it may not be necessary. Keep an eye out for that on the re-write.
23. Page 29. Chad is staring to seem overly dickish, as to the point of sounding fake.
24. Page 32-33. The group is far too rude to Tucker, almost going out of their way, and it just seems over the top.
25. Page 34-45. There would naturally be much more cattiness going on between Keri and Emily, if they were going after the same guy.
26. Page 36. Keri – “Jack Daniels” line needs a re-write.
27. Page 46-48. The “Strip spin the bottle” scene needs some re-writing. Once again, I doubt that the male characters would be so free and open to kiss each other on the lips. Like it’s no big deal.
28. Chad is consistently coming off overly dickish, to the point of making his character a miserable person to be around.
29. We are already to page 48, and still there has been nobody killed since the opening scene. With a genre piece, such as this one, it is vital to keep a consistent level of bloodshed throughout the film, so that the audience does not get bored. It also helps to maintain the suspense, which is why successful fright flicks of the past, will cut away to the killers POV, or show stooge characters being slain.
30. I don’t know what the Emily and Tucker element is about, but making them have feelings for each other, does not work well with the story, and throws far too much drama, and mixed emotions.
31. Pages 51-52. You’re attempt to make Ben’s character distant, and deep in thought, is not working well at all. He is to the point of being annoying, and is far too much of a downer without a single likeable quality. It makes him an unworthy protagonist. It’s like Ben is a female, given a male name at the last minute. Sidney’s character in the Scream flicks was always the most unlikable character. The franchise still did well, only it was due great supporting characters.
32. All of a sudden Chad and Tucker are singing together? Chad has consistently gone out of his way to show his dislike for Tucker, and now they are in a duet?
33. Page 56. What time of night is Frank working out in the barn, during a storm?
34. All of the characters have no depth. There is no connection on a personal level with any of them, because the dialogue is consistently shallow, and empty. I think this is happening because you are trying too hard to be funny, and not focusing on developing your characters/victims.
35. There are far too many one-liners.
36. Page 59. Where Chad calls Emily a “filthy whore”, yet, at this point Chad doesn’t even know that she went to the barn looking for Frank. It wouldn’t make sense. You should change his reason for placing her where he did, in their game of “who would you rather”.
37. Page 60. Nobody dead yet!!!
38. YOU KILL YOUR MAIN CHARACTER HALF WAY THROUGH THE SCRIPT!
39. Page 69. The “girl with the lights off” one liner is completely out of place and totally destroys the pacing of the scene. Not to mention you have Graham cracking jokes two minutes after he just saw his girlfriend’s mutilated body.
40. Keri does a lot of staring down.
41. Page 71. You need to cut to the inside of Chad’s truck, before you can show him turning the key.
42. Page 77. The incessant one-liners are turning this script into Scary Movie 6, as the story loses it’s suspense with each sex joke.
43. Page 81. The “cold-air doobie” joke again, really?
44. Graham doesn’t want to check on Emily, then they do anyway?
45. All of the characters are far too short-tempered throughout the story. They snap at each other constantly, but it comes off fake, almost like you are trying to fill your conflict quota by simply having them argue without reason.
46. Page 87. A lot of “wet gurgling” in this story...and yes “killer breath” is too soon or how about just never.
47. Page 90. “He looks like Frank” is way out of place. Poor exposition placement. I have noticed that since the very first scene you have been gradually trying to hint that the boy in the cabinet had a brother, but this is bad timing. Work it in better, because if it is supposed to be your big twist, it is far too 1998.
48. Why was the ammo in the crawl space? Makes no sense other than as a plant for a cheap scare.
49. Page 102. Cutting away from Chad hanging in the barn, to the house, then back again does not work well. That is far too long for someone to be hanging by their neck, without dying.
50. Pages102-103-104 all have many typos.
51. It is odd that Keri and Chad are supposed to be the “surviving couple” and we are led to believe that they have some great love for each other, when Keri was still trying to hook up with Ben, even in that same night.

One last note, the ice storm does not play a significant role in the story. It is a mere addition to the story, and when you have characters outside ice-skating in their boxers, it really kills any added intensity that the storm may have added. Give it more of a role, and let it really throw some obstacles at your characters, or cut it from the story.

This is a time-tested recipe for friday 13 horror film. It does get old but, at least, this one is well written.

What I like about this story is that is has a great pace that builds suspense. The order of the killing is totally unpredictable too.

There is room on the shelf for one more horror scream. These are talented writers penning a highly marketable scream franchise.

Best of luck.

Thanks for a great reading.