Let me start off by saying that I like the premise. It has potential. However, the execution is lacking. I took the liberty of sitting down with your script and giving it a thorough read-through. Good luck with it...and keep writing!!!
Jeremy McCoy
P.S. I hear that Mike cares for Jimmy, but I don't see it. It is clear and understandable that Jimmy is a handful, and Mike is out of patience. However, there needs to be at least one moment in the story where he really shows that he cares. IT NEEDS EMOTION.
POSSIBLE FIXES:
1. All of the scenes need proper sluglines, i.e. CONVENIENCE STORE needs to be EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT. Without the sluglines, it makes the story virtually impossible to follow, as scenes melt together with no division. 2. Capital letters are only needed once for character names, upon their introduction. 3. Why does Jimmy sleep in the bathtub, with no pillow or blanket? The reason for this is never revealed. Nor is his need for the teddy bear. Or is it an attempt to give definition to Jimmy’s character, i.e. his love for eating pizza? (Which is very similar to Billy Bob’s character in Slingblade, with his love of french fries.) 4. There is no need to write each character or item in capitals when it is the focus of a shot. Slug lines will help to avoid this. Only pertinent props and sounds need to be capitalized in action sequences. 5. There are far too many double spaces, as well as large blocks of empty space between character dialogues. 6. Page 8. Why does Greg say he will be right back, and ask Brad to cover for him, if his shift was over? Then he never returns. If he was actually the one that was coming on shift, that needs to clarified a little better. 7. Page 9. MIKE – “All right” should be “Alright”. 8. There is no need for character continued’s. That is an outdated format style. 9. Page 11. You might want to cut away to another scene then come back. Ordering pizza scene does no flow together with the snippet of conversation given. Once again proper sluglines would help with this. 10. Page 11. Needs more scene location detail when GREG meets BURLY DUDE at the door. Again proper slugs would help. 11. Page 13, and elsewhere. Jimmy’s dialogue is inconsistent with that of a mentally challenged individual. His intellect level seems to come and go throughout. 12. Page 12 MIKE – “Tomorrow: maybe” should be “Tomorrow…maybe”. 13. Page 14. Pizza place running out of peppers and sending someone to the store to buy more is just unrealistic. 14. Page 15. The managers cane flying into the air and hitting rob in the eye after he punches her is very unrealistic, and just an unnecessary detail. 15. Why does Mike not kill the 4 bad guys if he is an assassin? If he is reformed and does not wish to kill anymore, then this point needs to be highlighted more. 16. Pages 20 and 21. Jimmy and more unrealistic dialogue. 17. The entire script has extra space between dialogue as well as split dialogue and character names at page tops, and bottoms. You should invest in screenwriting software such as Final Draft, in order to help you with these formatting errors. 18. Page 32. The exchange between the manager and Ash doesn’t work. She would not have just assumed the handicapped guy. He should have asked directly. 19. Page 32. Mike – dialogue is too long when he is naming the pizza topping’s. Does not match his character. Should just say “With lots of green on it. Just the way you like it.” If it was drunken rambling, then really get into it to show his state. 20. There are many finite details that do not need to be included in the action sequences. Let the actors act. Every movement doesn’t need to be scripted. 21. Page 41. Mike knocks the wind out of Jimmy with his arm, but then they take off running. Does not make sense. Unnecessary detail. 22. Page 43. When Ash tells Mike that Mr. Bishop wants to have a few words with him, but Ash just tried to shoot and kill him. Makes no sense if he wants Mike alive for questioning. Don’t have gunplay, just to add gunplay, especially when it goes against the plot of the story 23. Page 44. Ash just gives up and leaves because he is cold. Makes no sense. It is a copout and makes it too easy for the duo to flee. 24. Page 46. How does Mike pay for the lottery tickets, if Melinda stole all of the money that they had? 25. Page 49. Door flies open, then Walt continues a dialogue exchange with stripper, before even seeing Mike and Jimmy. No sense. Cut the dialogue exchange between them so that it does not interrupt the flow of the scene. 26. Pages 49 and 50. The conversation between Walt and Mike does not flow properly, making it seem very unrealistic. 27. WE DON’T GET TO THE POINT OF THE STORY UNTIL PAGE 54, THEN WE FIND OUT IT IS NOT THE POINT OF THE STORY AND MERELY A FALSE OBSTACLE. 28. Page 57 and others, “hunh” should be spelled “huh”. 29. Page 57. Why does Mike want to drop the car off at a mall? 30. Page 63. Dialogue exchange between Mike and Agnes does not flow. The administrator running in did not work well, because you did not create enough of spectacle to draw her in. 31. Another note, nobody dies in this story, except for the main villain. It is too clean and candy coated. It seems like you are attempting to make the story very Christianized. I am not saying you need bodies everywhere, but if you are writing a dark story, in a seedy underworld, with an assassin as a main supporting character, and gunplay involved, then do so wholeheartedly. 32. The ending is very abrupt, and there is not much to it. It seems like you have taken the script for Slingblade, and just hyped it up a bit for a new generation. 33. There are not enough obstacles in this story as a whole. You avoid conflict or any physical violence every time it presents itself. As if you are attempting to tiptoe around it, allowing the characters to glide through unscathed by the story itself.
Jeremy McCoy
P.S. I hear that Mike cares for Jimmy, but I don't see it. It is clear and understandable that Jimmy is a handful, and Mike is out of patience. However, there needs to be at least one moment in the story where he really shows that he cares. IT NEEDS EMOTION.
POSSIBLE FIXES:
1. All of the scenes need proper sluglines, i.e. CONVENIENCE STORE needs to be EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT. Without the sluglines, it makes the story virtually impossible to follow, as scenes melt together with no division.
2. Capital letters are only needed once for character names, upon their introduction.
3. Why does Jimmy sleep in the bathtub, with no pillow or blanket? The reason for this is never revealed. Nor is his need for the teddy bear. Or is it an attempt to give definition to Jimmy’s character, i.e. his love for eating pizza? (Which is very similar to Billy Bob’s character in Slingblade, with his love of french fries.)
4. There is no need to write each character or item in capitals when it is the focus of a shot. Slug lines will help to avoid this. Only pertinent props and sounds need to be capitalized in action sequences.
5. There are far too many double spaces, as well as large blocks of empty space between character dialogues.
6. Page 8. Why does Greg say he will be right back, and ask Brad to cover for him, if his shift was over? Then he never returns. If he was actually the one that was coming on shift, that needs to clarified a little better.
7. Page 9. MIKE – “All right” should be “Alright”.
8. There is no need for character continued’s. That is an outdated format style.
9. Page 11. You might want to cut away to another scene then come back. Ordering pizza scene does no flow together with the snippet of conversation given. Once again proper sluglines would help with this.
10. Page 11. Needs more scene location detail when GREG meets BURLY DUDE at the door. Again proper slugs would help.
11. Page 13, and elsewhere. Jimmy’s dialogue is inconsistent with that of a mentally challenged individual. His intellect level seems to come and go throughout.
12. Page 12 MIKE – “Tomorrow: maybe” should be “Tomorrow…maybe”.
13. Page 14. Pizza place running out of peppers and sending someone to the store to buy more is just unrealistic.
14. Page 15. The managers cane flying into the air and hitting rob in the eye after he punches her is very unrealistic, and just an unnecessary detail.
15. Why does Mike not kill the 4 bad guys if he is an assassin? If he is reformed and does not wish to kill anymore, then this point needs to be highlighted more.
16. Pages 20 and 21. Jimmy and more unrealistic dialogue.
17. The entire script has extra space between dialogue as well as split dialogue and character names at page tops, and bottoms. You should invest in screenwriting software such as Final Draft, in order to help you with these formatting errors.
18. Page 32. The exchange between the manager and Ash doesn’t work. She would not have just assumed the handicapped guy. He should have asked directly.
19. Page 32. Mike – dialogue is too long when he is naming the pizza topping’s. Does not match his character. Should just say “With lots of green on it. Just the way you like it.” If it was drunken rambling, then really get into it to show his state.
20. There are many finite details that do not need to be included in the action sequences. Let the actors act. Every movement doesn’t need to be scripted.
21. Page 41. Mike knocks the wind out of Jimmy with his arm, but then they take off running. Does not make sense. Unnecessary detail.
22. Page 43. When Ash tells Mike that Mr. Bishop wants to have a few words with him, but Ash just tried to shoot and kill him. Makes no sense if he wants Mike alive for questioning. Don’t have gunplay, just to add gunplay, especially when it goes against the plot of the story
23. Page 44. Ash just gives up and leaves because he is cold. Makes no sense. It is a copout and makes it too easy for the duo to flee.
24. Page 46. How does Mike pay for the lottery tickets, if Melinda stole all of the money that they had?
25. Page 49. Door flies open, then Walt continues a dialogue exchange with stripper, before even seeing Mike and Jimmy. No sense. Cut the dialogue exchange between them so that it does not interrupt the flow of the scene.
26. Pages 49 and 50. The conversation between Walt and Mike does not flow properly, making it seem very unrealistic.
27. WE DON’T GET TO THE POINT OF THE STORY UNTIL PAGE 54, THEN WE FIND OUT IT IS NOT THE POINT OF THE STORY AND MERELY A FALSE OBSTACLE.
28. Page 57 and others, “hunh” should be spelled “huh”.
29. Page 57. Why does Mike want to drop the car off at a mall?
30. Page 63. Dialogue exchange between Mike and Agnes does not flow. The administrator running in did not work well, because you did not create enough of spectacle to draw her in.
31. Another note, nobody dies in this story, except for the main villain. It is too clean and candy coated. It seems like you are attempting to make the story very Christianized. I am not saying you need bodies everywhere, but if you are writing a dark story, in a seedy underworld, with an assassin as a main supporting character, and gunplay involved, then do so wholeheartedly.
32. The ending is very abrupt, and there is not much to it. It seems like you have taken the script for Slingblade, and just hyped it up a bit for a new generation.
33. There are not enough obstacles in this story as a whole. You avoid conflict or any physical violence every time it presents itself. As if you are attempting to tiptoe around it, allowing the characters to glide through unscathed by the story itself.