6
out of
8
people found the following review helpful:
You can do better.
0
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Shocking Conclusion!
I wasn't a big fan of the antidote ending. I love the way Rick has refocused the ending. I must confess that I totally did not see the ending coming. The last 15 minutes are packed with emotion and excitement. This could have been a 45 minute section, but I am glad that it wasn't. It is much better with everything happening so fast.
Plus, there is so much more action in this version compared to his previous version. I would love to see this on the big screen!
Plus, there is so much more action in this version compared to his previous version. I would love to see this on the big screen!
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"and then something strange happens." -- you have lines like this throughout. this is an example of telling, not showing. they should be cut. just show us what happens. ie - Zombie Cassius sits up and lunges at Drusis.
"runs away but he knows he needs immediate help or he will bleed to death." -- you don't need to say this. we all know this about a ripped off arm. just tell us what happens. i don't recall if Drusis screamed or went into shock which is a normal reaction to getting your arm ripped off.
you could easily cut out 5 pages by eliminating the "telling" lines and making all action lines "showing".
p. 23 Lavinia says, "So you said you have a son."
p. 24 Lavinia says, "Son? I had no idea."
-- PROOFREAD!!! -- and this was enough to make me stop.