1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
A Very Clever Story
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Excellent Crime Drama
NOT ANOTHER DAY is a rock-solid crime story that hits all the right beats. Perhaps this reader is showing his age, but I could easily see this produced a la any Steven Seagal vehicle from the 80s. I say this with affection, as I loved (and still love) 80s action pictures. At the same time, the story has enough heart and a truly compelling core relationship (between the ex-con and the honest cop) that I could also see a more earnest, personal approach to the material. Either way, the writer has built a strong foundation for a number of different approaches.
The story is paced well and moves along at a nice clip. The characters and dialogue are also strong. However, in some of the more emotional moments, I found the characters guilty of demonstrating their feelings through words in a somewhat heavy-handed way (Vincent in particular). In the spirit of "show don't tell" I would encourage the writer to think of some other, more visual ways that the characters could emote. Fortunately, the dialogue is sharp, but at times I felt that some scenes went on a beat or two too long. Clever edits could solve this problem easily.
One scene in particular leaps to mind: towards the end of the story, Giuseppe (the mob boss) visits his son, who is in a coma. This powerful moment is intercut with scenes of the other main characters, along with a very nice monologue from Giuseppe, as he pours his heart out to his stricken son. Despite the fact that the writing is well done, I couldn't help but wonder how the scene would play if Giuseppe just sat there in silence...would the power of the scene change? I don't know; it's really a matter of execution and what the writer wants to communicate. Nevertheless, Giuseppe was wearing a lot of stuff on his sleeve at this moment, and the scene may have been more effective if that was "reined in" a bit.
A few aspects of the script left me with questions, that, if answered, might make the story that much richer. Vincent's past in particular...what was he like before prison? Twenty years is a long time. How did that change him? It's hard to know without learning more about his past. He's pretty flip when he talks about it, but it destroyed his relationship and created a mess of his life. What was the bond he shared with Giuseppe? Did they have any contact when he was put away? The characters hint at events, but nothing really specific. What happened there? And I'd also like to know more about Monique. What makes her so quick to gun for justice? Did the mob do something to her family, or is there some other aspect of her past that drives her? All this stuff would be additive, and probably all good.
If I have any general criticism about this script at all, it's that some of the characters feel a bit too familiar...not exactly straight out of central casting, but "types" that we have encountered before. The psycho sadist with the knives. The other goons. Even Giuseppe, who has some real character, still has echoes of mob bosses we have seen before. He refers to his wife in the coma scene, but we never see her. What is his family like? What does he really fear? Little details could make the good characters great.
I especially liked the character of Jake, the crooked cop. The reveal that he is actually in league with the bad guys was a nice touch. He's unlike other crooked cops that we've seen before in that he's not brazen or cocky (see: Training Day), nor is he torn up by his conscience. A very cool, understated character. He also has some of the best dialogue in the script.
Overall, this is a really strong cop piece. I think trimming some dialogue out, adding a few visual flourishes, and maybe some additional texture to the main characters could really make it sing. But as it stands, NOT ANOTHER DAY is just as good (or better) than anything that came out of the 80s. Nicely done!
PS – The title is good, but not great. Titles are hard. I think something that implies a police story would be stronger.
The story is paced well and moves along at a nice clip. The characters and dialogue are also strong. However, in some of the more emotional moments, I found the characters guilty of demonstrating their feelings through words in a somewhat heavy-handed way (Vincent in particular). In the spirit of "show don't tell" I would encourage the writer to think of some other, more visual ways that the characters could emote. Fortunately, the dialogue is sharp, but at times I felt that some scenes went on a beat or two too long. Clever edits could solve this problem easily.
One scene in particular leaps to mind: towards the end of the story, Giuseppe (the mob boss) visits his son, who is in a coma. This powerful moment is intercut with scenes of the other main characters, along with a very nice monologue from Giuseppe, as he pours his heart out to his stricken son. Despite the fact that the writing is well done, I couldn't help but wonder how the scene would play if Giuseppe just sat there in silence...would the power of the scene change? I don't know; it's really a matter of execution and what the writer wants to communicate. Nevertheless, Giuseppe was wearing a lot of stuff on his sleeve at this moment, and the scene may have been more effective if that was "reined in" a bit.
A few aspects of the script left me with questions, that, if answered, might make the story that much richer. Vincent's past in particular...what was he like before prison? Twenty years is a long time. How did that change him? It's hard to know without learning more about his past. He's pretty flip when he talks about it, but it destroyed his relationship and created a mess of his life. What was the bond he shared with Giuseppe? Did they have any contact when he was put away? The characters hint at events, but nothing really specific. What happened there? And I'd also like to know more about Monique. What makes her so quick to gun for justice? Did the mob do something to her family, or is there some other aspect of her past that drives her? All this stuff would be additive, and probably all good.
If I have any general criticism about this script at all, it's that some of the characters feel a bit too familiar...not exactly straight out of central casting, but "types" that we have encountered before. The psycho sadist with the knives. The other goons. Even Giuseppe, who has some real character, still has echoes of mob bosses we have seen before. He refers to his wife in the coma scene, but we never see her. What is his family like? What does he really fear? Little details could make the good characters great.
I especially liked the character of Jake, the crooked cop. The reveal that he is actually in league with the bad guys was a nice touch. He's unlike other crooked cops that we've seen before in that he's not brazen or cocky (see: Training Day), nor is he torn up by his conscience. A very cool, understated character. He also has some of the best dialogue in the script.
Overall, this is a really strong cop piece. I think trimming some dialogue out, adding a few visual flourishes, and maybe some additional texture to the main characters could really make it sing. But as it stands, NOT ANOTHER DAY is just as good (or better) than anything that came out of the 80s. Nicely done!
PS – The title is good, but not great. Titles are hard. I think something that implies a police story would be stronger.
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Rock Mobster
Vincent gets out of prison after taking the fall for Chicago's biggest crime boss. The world Vincent left when he went to prison is not the world he comes back to and he wants to clean it up.
Monique is new to the police force and is hell bent on making a difference. She finds out her partner may not be all he claims to be and after an altercation she gets suspended.
Monique meets Vincent and together they take down Chicago's biggest crime boss.
Not Another Day is a hard hitting crime drama that keeps the action going. It has rich characters in tough situations. It explores a new angle in fighting crime when an ex-con and an ex-cop join forces to make a better world.
Premise
This is a new look at how two people from different worlds could come together with the common goal of cleaning up the town where they live. The idea of and Ex-cop and an ex-con joining up is a cool idea that plays really well.
Structure
The structure is standard three act with a clearly defined goal. Continuous obstacles and inner struggles keep the story moving at a good pace.
Characters
The characters are believable and likeable. The two main characters come from different worlds. Their common goal keeps them together and they build off each others strengths. The world they are in defines them as much as they define their world.
Stakes
The stakes are high. Life and death but also the chance to make a better world makes sacrificing ones self a more believable scenario.
Dialogue
Most of the dialogue is extremely good and original. There was some that was just a tad bit on the nose.
Genre Conventions
This is a crime based action thriller that lives up to the genre. There is plenty of action and the main two characters kick a lot of ass.
Monique is new to the police force and is hell bent on making a difference. She finds out her partner may not be all he claims to be and after an altercation she gets suspended.
Monique meets Vincent and together they take down Chicago's biggest crime boss.
Not Another Day is a hard hitting crime drama that keeps the action going. It has rich characters in tough situations. It explores a new angle in fighting crime when an ex-con and an ex-cop join forces to make a better world.
Premise
This is a new look at how two people from different worlds could come together with the common goal of cleaning up the town where they live. The idea of and Ex-cop and an ex-con joining up is a cool idea that plays really well.
Structure
The structure is standard three act with a clearly defined goal. Continuous obstacles and inner struggles keep the story moving at a good pace.
Characters
The characters are believable and likeable. The two main characters come from different worlds. Their common goal keeps them together and they build off each others strengths. The world they are in defines them as much as they define their world.
Stakes
The stakes are high. Life and death but also the chance to make a better world makes sacrificing ones self a more believable scenario.
Dialogue
Most of the dialogue is extremely good and original. There was some that was just a tad bit on the nose.
Genre Conventions
This is a crime based action thriller that lives up to the genre. There is plenty of action and the main two characters kick a lot of ass.
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Vincent is a well drawn, complex character who I actually liked, even though he’s a has-been criminal who must have had very ‘dirty hands’ at one point in his life. You write scenes that show he has a moral code. I also liked how there was this push-pull between him and his former girlfriend. He obviously cares about her a lot – enough to not invite her back into his misbegotten life. Nice dynamic there. And the dialogue between them was good. It drew me in.
Similarly, there’s a good dynamic between Vincent and Monique. Their exachanges are engaging and believable. I enjoyed those parts. And I liked the contrast in character between Monique and Vincent’s first girlfriend. You can see that his life has changed – that his former relationship just doesn’t fit his life any longer. That’s rarely done in film and I think it works here.
Could you get into your story more quickly? We were 28 pages in and I was still feeling like we were meandering. I know you were doing set up, but the events seem so unrelated that there isn’t enough focus to leave me feeling like we were driving toward something.
This happens again around the middle of the movie – when you need to keep the action going more and more intensely. You take breaks that don’t seem to be driving the plot enough.
I think in both cases this is because te plot is not being driven by the characters acting on or reacting to what has gone before.
Similarly, the philosophical moments, (a key feature of this genre), tend to interrupt the action for too long. Perhaps if you kept them very short, down to a paragraph or so. Sometimes they’re several pages long and then followed soon after by another. If these just pepper the script briefly they’ll be a treat.
Can you make it clearer off the top that Vincent is dealing with mafia or organized crime? This becomes more and more clear as the plot goes on, but it’s a key set-up point that would drive the tension stronger if it was made clearer sooner.
And finally, there are some wonderful cheesy moments in this story – which is a delightful part of the genre. In your case, I think they would work better if you set the story in the 1930s or 1940s. Of course, that would mean that Monique couldn’t be black and you’d have to work at getting a female cop on the beat, but I think resetting it would actually solve some other issues with the script as well. Giving it a kind of Sky Captain feel, right down to the brown-washed film style, would forgive lots of the little problems with your story.
All in all, the story line is a strong start to what could become an interesting night out at the movies.