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people found the following review helpful:
Bring out why this is not just another hostage movie...
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people found the following review helpful:
Jim and I decided to SWAP ONLY OUR FIRST 15 PAGES. Great concept, good hook, just starts off alittle slow
This review is based off his first 15.
I like the concept. Really good change up on the ransom genre, if it is considered one.
I only have one problem with it all.
The setup is too long, and overly drawn out IMO.
By page 7 you only covered, Lady with groceries, a T.V. report, Brandon missing.
The concept grabs your attention when you get to it, but getting there proves alittle tedious.
Start it sooner, then the audience is completely hooked in at that point.
When I started reading it, my thoughts were..lots of trivial dialogue and unneeded actions.
May I suggest a beginning that starts something like...
INT - CAR
Sarah
(into cell phone)
Mark, Im really pissed at you, you didnt let the dog out again, and you didnt take out the trash
This is my third message, CALL ME NOW, Im coming home, need you to put these groceries away for me. Im already late.
She tosses the cell phone on grocery bags piled in front seat
RADIO HOST
This is an Amber Alert for Brandon (his last name)....
With a worried look, reaches for CELL PHONE that rings as she grabs it
SARAH
(frantic)
I was just going to call you...what happened?
This way, right from the get-go, you're hitting the readers right in the face with tension.
Then from there cut right to The Police Questions
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And you need to cut the interrogation scene about 1/4 what you have. Go straight to
SARAH
Im telling you, I dont know. I work double shift, I saw him last night before I went to work
DET SPENCER
Is Mark Having trouble at school?
Sarah!
WHAT!?
What does Mark school have to do with him and Brandon being missing?
Then go right into the photo's shown from the security camera.
This grabs more attention, and saves you some pages, although when I look you only have a 94 page script. Wish I had that. Im always looking to trim down, which brings up the question, can you pad your script more. Ive just cut your first 10 down to 3 pages.
All in all, pretty good job. I can see why it got the recognition it did.
I like the concept. Really good change up on the ransom genre, if it is considered one.
I only have one problem with it all.
The setup is too long, and overly drawn out IMO.
By page 7 you only covered, Lady with groceries, a T.V. report, Brandon missing.
The concept grabs your attention when you get to it, but getting there proves alittle tedious.
Start it sooner, then the audience is completely hooked in at that point.
When I started reading it, my thoughts were..lots of trivial dialogue and unneeded actions.
May I suggest a beginning that starts something like...
INT - CAR
Sarah
(into cell phone)
Mark, Im really pissed at you, you didnt let the dog out again, and you didnt take out the trash
This is my third message, CALL ME NOW, Im coming home, need you to put these groceries away for me. Im already late.
She tosses the cell phone on grocery bags piled in front seat
RADIO HOST
This is an Amber Alert for Brandon (his last name)....
With a worried look, reaches for CELL PHONE that rings as she grabs it
SARAH
(frantic)
I was just going to call you...what happened?
This way, right from the get-go, you're hitting the readers right in the face with tension.
Then from there cut right to The Police Questions
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And you need to cut the interrogation scene about 1/4 what you have. Go straight to
SARAH
Im telling you, I dont know. I work double shift, I saw him last night before I went to work
DET SPENCER
Is Mark Having trouble at school?
Sarah!
WHAT!?
What does Mark school have to do with him and Brandon being missing?
Then go right into the photo's shown from the security camera.
This grabs more attention, and saves you some pages, although when I look you only have a 94 page script. Wish I had that. Im always looking to trim down, which brings up the question, can you pad your script more. Ive just cut your first 10 down to 3 pages.
All in all, pretty good job. I can see why it got the recognition it did.
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