In the title you have the protagonist, "Mr. Malcolm". And you have a hint at the premise of the film with the "list". That's great! I think it is a wonderful title.
(Added Later: I missed seeing the list in the second half of the film. It is integral, and should make an appearance now and then. And at the end, it would be nice to have Selina finally see the infamous list. She could see that Malcolm checked everything off for her. Of course she would want a confirmation that he loves her, too. ;) And if she had made been so crass as to make a list, how might he have fared... ? )
(Added Laters mean after I got to the end of the script.)
Logline
While the Honourable Mr. Malcolm is London's most eligible bachelor in the year 1818, he's also the most fastidious one. Can any woman ever hope to meet all the requirements on...Mr. Malcolm's List?
Very nice. We see who and what. But a hint of his problem, like falling for Selina who meets the list's requirements, but then he learns he may have been tricked, would be nice, too.
In 1818, the Honorable Mr. Malcolm is London's most eligible, and most fastidious, bachelor. One woman meets all the requirements on Mr. Malcolm's list, and wins his heart. Or is she just a part in an elaborate hoax?
General comments:
It is a fun story, in a genre that is very popular with women of all ages. That gives it a broad, female appeal.
Regency, comic romances are what Jane Austen wrote. Her books have all been adapted to the screen, big and small, with great success.
Modern adaptations of her stories are also successful.
And variations on Jane Austen's stories are growing in popularity, if growing also in strangeness, like the Jane Austen zombie movie.
There are format and style issues with this script that could be addressed in a re-write, which would make the script look and read better. I offer suggestions below.
I think there is room to accentuate the humor in the script. The comic banter would be funnier if it were tighter, edited down. And humorous reactions could be mentioned more, to highlight the humor that is already in the script. I offer some suggestions below.
There are many lovely, entertaining lines in the dialogue. Actors would love to play with those lines.
The dialogue could use an edit, to reduce the length of dialogue blocks, and to "cut the fat", as writers say, and to break up the blocks with action and reaction lines. I offer some suggestions for both below.
The cast of characters is full of types that are recognizable to readers and viewers of this genre. They are full of foibles making them both types that we understand quickly, and real enough for us to care about them and understand them. Very Jane Austen! And fun types that actors would love to get their teeth into. Always a plus.
There is room for some strengthening of the three act structure. I felt some confusion about the prank, Julia's role, who Selina was really interested in, why Cassidy played along with the prank, and what exactly was on Malcolm's list. I provide some notes on these points below in the Act sections.
When I pose questions, I do not intend for you to answer we. They are just to show you what questions came up while I was reading the screenplay.
Act I
The first 5 pages of a script are key. In your script, they hit all the right points.
You have introduced your protagonist, Malcolm.
And his confident/best friend, Cassidy.
And the antagonist, Julia.
And you have presented the premise:
Malcolm does not wish to be seduced by a woman only interested in his fortune. He uses a long list of qualities he says he wants in a potential wife, to protect himself from any attachment, because the only way he feels he can avoid a loveless marriage, is to avoid marriage altogether.
The first 10-15 pages are also key. They generally include an inciting incident, which sets the plot in motion. And in a romance, they are also when we meet the potential love interest for the protagonist.
By page 13 we have met Selina, the love interest.
And we know that Julia's scheme will set the plot in motion. Julia is setting a trap for Malcolm, to get revenge for a perceived slight to her ego. She wishes to make Malcolm fall for Selina, believing she is the woman of his list. Then Selina will tell Malcolm that he does not fit his list. The intent is to make Malcolm feel the same rejection that Julia felt.
I didn't understand the motivation for Cassidy to participate in the prank on Malcolm. I couldn't see why he would do this to his friend. What sort of power does Julia have over Cassidy? Is he in love with her?
They make Selina more attractive. But they only know one item on the list. They advise Selina on this one item. (Added later: you have them know much more about the list later, but we didn't discover how they discovered those things.)
Selina meets Henry Ossory, who is seen by Malcolm as a rival for her affections.
I can't really find another Plot Point ending for Act I other than Malcolm finding he has a rival for Selina in Henry Ossory. It is not a Plot Point that the antagonist has had any hand in, which is unusual.
Selina is threatened by Julia, told she will have to leave if she doesn't play along. Then Julia backs down and Selena just agrees to think about it. Then Julia just acts like Selina agreed to continue the ruse.
(Added later: I have the feeling I missed something. I'm not sure if we were supposed to understand something here, some way for Julia to pressure Selina to continue with the prank. Otherwise, I'm confused later as to why Selina does continue with the prank.)
Act II
Selina has two suitors: Henry and Malcolm. The first meeting is fun, romantic and sweet. But I didn't really buy Julia's stated motivation for keeping Selina and Malcolm apart.
Julia seems to know what is in Malcolm's list. But we don't know how she knows this.
Things move quickly from 30 to 45. Sometimes it feels a bit too quickly. Like with cousin Gertie. She is such an eccentric character, that it would be fun to see her first meeting with Julia.
The protagonist, Malcolm, feels more like a supporting actor here. I would love to hear him confide in Cassidy about his feelings for Selina, and his change of heart about marriage.
Page 47 - Selina promises to play Julia's game. But I don't recall a moment or a motivation for Selina to decide this. I feel like I missed something.
Page 49 - The dinner party felt like a missed opportunity to show Malcolm's jealousy of Selina's interest in Henry. Some Regency head-butting could be fun. I wasn't sure what Julia's game was inviting both Henry and Malcolm. But at the bottom of page 49, when Selina pushes to have Henry invited to Malcolm's estate, I a hurt reaction by Malcolm.
I would have loved to have seen Malcolm tell Cassidy about his plans to invite Selina to meet his mother and show her his estate. The guilt Cassidy would feel...
Page 50 - We get here that Selina is really interested in Henry. I think that should be made clearer earlier, at the end of Act I. Again, here, I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. Why does Selina go along?
Page 52 - Malcolm seems completely taken with Selina by the time she arrives at his estate. Did she fulfill the whole list of qualities already? I think we should have been allowed to see the entire list earlier, and know which Selina has completed or not by now, so we can understand a bit better what is going on here.
Page 54 - It feels like Selina is in love with Malcolm and contemplating marriage to him. I thought she was still playing Julia's game, and was really interested in Henry.
Looking over the notes at this point, I see that I am confused as to motive, and I feel like I have missed something. Is it possible that something was cut from the first draft that should have remained?
Page 57 - Lovely moment between Malcolm and Selina. (and page 67)
Page 62 - Nice line: "You must realize by now that in-laws were designed by God to aid us in developing our character."
Page 63 - Suddenly Cassidy is mentioned. He wasn't mentioned before. I didn't realize he was there.
Page 74 - It is not clear that there is music, or if anyone else is dancing, or even if there are other guests.
Julia's trick is clever. I thought it might be fun to just have Julia and Selena walk off together, then cut to Malcolm receiving the note. That way we have to guess it is Julia in the library.
Malcolm is turned down in marriage by a woman he loves, who supposedly fits his list. This would be the Act II ending Plot Point.
Act III
Malcolm's suffering from the refusal is very quickly overturned by the chance escape of Selina, and Henry telling her what is going on.
Page 80 - Selina calls Mr. Malcolm "Malcolm". That doesn't seem right. It would be "Mr. Malcolm".
Page 95 - It might be fun to have us see the hand writing the notes to Selina and Malcolm, and later learning together with Malcolm who sent them.
Page 101 - Fun and romantic bit with the fountain.
Around page 119, there is an opportunity to end the story. Malcolm knows Selina is innocent of deceit, and he wins her over. That would bring the script in under 120 pages.
Page 128 - We have the antagonist, Julia, defeated, in a very nice way. It is something that could happen a bit earlier in this act, if you wanted to end the story around page 119.
Page 135 - I'm a big fan of FADE OUT. At the end of a script ;)
[In these next sections, when I make a note and give an example, it applies to all the other cases in the script, too, not just to that one example. I hope these things are helpful...]
Dialogue
Modern screenplay format no longer requires you put the (CONT'D) next to the character name in a dialogue block when they speak twice in a row. It saves a lot of writing effort. It is your call if you want to keep doing that.
MALCOLM (cont’d)
You can just put it normally.
MALCOLM
Quotes in dialogue. On page 1 you use single quotation marks. On page 2 you use double quotation marks. Both are fine. But within one script, it is best to be consistent. Either single or double, but not both within one screenplay.
Parentheticals can show us emotion, small actions, and they can help break up long dialogue blocks. There is no need to put the subject in them, as they refer to the speaker.
So, for example, on page 3, you can put (shrugs) instead of (he shrugs).
Actually, in that case, it would be fun to insert some comedy, and have the parenthetical like this.
MALCOLM I don’t know. (flutters eyelashes) She flutters her eyelashes too much.
CASSIE What? (flutters eyelashes) She flutters her eyelashes too much? That is your reason?
You could add more comedy, by having a matronly woman react to these two men fluttering their eyelashes at each other.
There are times when you have dialogue about something that happened elsewhere. These are moments when the dialogue takes on the sound of a stage play, rather than a movie.
In a movie, the action can just jump to the other location, and we can SEE and HEAR what happened, rather than hear about it from someone.
For example, on page 4 you have this block:
MALCOLM (cont’d) Here it is. Item 4: ‘The ability to converse in a sensible fashion.’ The only type of conversation Miss Thistlewaite enjoys is one composed entirely of flirtatious remarks or extravagant compliments. When I asked her what opinion she held about the Corn Laws, she replied that restraint in one’s diet was bound to have a healthful effect.
It would be so much fun to just jump to Malcolm's moments with Miss Thislewaite and hear her inane comments. Like this, the brackets are where you would write new dialogue:
MALCOLM (cont’d) Here it is. Item 4: ‘The ability to converse in a sensible fashion.’
INT. OPERA HOUSE - BOX - NIGHT
JULIA THISTLEWAITE (early 20s) quite attractive, feather in her hair, flutters her eyelashes at a disconcerted Malcolm.
JULIA [flirtatious remark]
MALCOLM [response]
JULIA [extravagant compliment]
MALCOLM What opinion do you hold on the Corn Laws, Miss Thistlewaite?
JULIA Restraint in one’s diet was bound to have a healthful effect.
She flutters her eyelashes. Malcolm backs away in fear.
Julia turns her head, inadvertently brushing her hair-feather under Malcolm's nose. Malcolm fights a sneeze.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT
Cassie reaches for the list but Malcolm hurriedly folds it and returns it to his pocket.
CASSIE What is that, Malcolm? Is that a list?
MALCOLM Yes, it is.
Another case where the dialogue describes a scene that would be fun to actually see, is on the bottom of page 53, top of page 54. Selina's parents get the invitation to Hadley Hall.
But there are times when parentheticals are redundant. For example, when you use a double hyphen to interrupt a dialogue, that means the person was interrupted. So you don't need a parenthetical saying that, like you have on page 6:
CASSIE He agreed you were a handsome girl—
JULIA (interrupting) Did he? That is good news. I must say, I thought I had displeased him in some way-
There are many dialogue blocks that could use some strong editing. Look for the important information in the block, then cut the rest. You have to be harsh, but it will better the flow of your story.
You might find this interesting. It is the link to Emma Thompson's Oscar-winning screenplay adaptation of the Jane Austen novel "Sense and Sensibility".
You'll see that she keeps the dialogue blocks small, even though Jane Austen could have her characters talking at great length.
There are things that are not correct with Thompson's format. For example, the capitalization of names throughout is a stage play format, not a screenplay format.
And the verb tenses vary at times. But it was her first screenplay, so she can be forgiven, and she was the star and producer. WE have to be more careful. ;)
Page 16 - You have Malcolm speaking off camera or off screen. It is usually written this way. (I usually see O.C. in English or Australian scripts.)
MALCOLM (O.S.)
Page 33 - Earlier Henry Ossory was called by his full name in the dialogue blocks. Here he is called only Henry. Later he is Henry Ossory again. It is standard practice to keep this consistent throughout a script.
Characters
There are some general guidelines for introducing characters in screenplays. The guidelines help the reader create a mental picture of the character.
One of these guidelines is to give each major character their own introduction paragraph. The second guideline is to try to link the character's introduction closely with their dialogue or action.
You begin your screenplay (page 1) with your protagonist and his best friend. I would suggest you separate their introductions like this.
THE HONORABLE JEREMY MALCOLM is surveying waltzing couples through a quizzing glass from the edge of the room. He is 30 years of age, very handsome, and richly dressed.
LORD CASSIDY approaches. He is a thin, gangly fellow who is a few years younger than Malcolm and not as good-looking or well-dressed.
And it should really be like this for Malcolm:
The Honorable JEREMY MALCOLM is surveying waltzing...
It is most common today to see the ages of characters presented this way. JEREMY MALCOLM (30) ...
On page 5 you introduce Julia, the antagonist in the story.
Cassie is staring owlishly at a scary-looking figurine of a Chinese sage with slanted eyebrows and a maniacal smile when his cousin JULIA THISTLEWAITE enters the room. She is in her early twenties and quite attractive, with an air of arrogance about her. She sneaks up behind her cousin.
Julia is a major character, so she would be better set off in a paragraph just for her. Something like this:
Cassie stares owlishly at a scary-looking figurine of a Chinese sage with slanted eyebrows and a maniacal smile.
In the b.g., JULIA THISTLEWAITE (early 20s) enters the room. Julia is quite attractive, with an air of arrogance about her. She sneaks up behind her cousin Cassie.
I did a few other changes here that I should point out.
"In the b.g." means "In the background" and it is a handy way of economically inserting information in an action line.
You can use these in action lines, and they are always in lower case in action lines, but upper case when next to character names above dialogue blocks.
b.g. = background
o.s. = off screen, off camera
And I changed "is staring" to "stares" because whenever possible, it is best to use the most active verb form.
I put Julia's age in parentheses after her name, according to the latest screenplay form.
You don't need to put that Julia is Cassie's cousin. We heard that earlier.
I left "her cousin" but added "Cassie". But you could just as easily put just "Cassie".
Settings - Scenes
Your scene headings are missing the hyphen, and sometimes the period. It is standard form to put a period after INT and EXT, and to put a hyphen before the DAY or NIGHT. Like this.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT
When you have an EXT. and INT. and then rooms within the INT. they are usually put in the scene headings like this, for consistency and clarity.
EXT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DRAWING ROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - BALLROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - SELINA’S BEDROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - BREAKFAST ROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
When you have a vehicle of any kind, there are special ways of describing the EXT. and INT. scenes in the Scene Headings. On page 24 you have:
EXT HORSE DRAWN CURRICLE ON LONDON STREET DAY
Mr. Malcolm drives while Selina sits beside him.
It should be like this:
EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY
A horse-drawn curricle passes down the street. Malcolm and Selina are visible inside. Malcolm drives.
INT. HORSE-DRAWN CURRICLE (MOVING) - DAY
Malcolm drives the horse carefully through the traffic. Selina sits at his side.
MALCOLM Miss Thistlewaite appears determined to keep us from enjoying one another’s company.
SELINA I beg your pardon?
Another example from page 50:
EXT HORSE DRAWN CLOSED CARRIAGE DAY
A carriage turns down the long drive to Hadley Hall. In the far distance an enormous mansion can be seen. The carriage drives through a landscaped park and past a lake.
INT HORSE DRAWN CLOSED CARRIAGE DAY
Mrs. Thistlewaite sleeps in one corner of the carriage while Julia and Selina look out the coach window at the grounds.
It should be more like this:
EXT. HADLEY HALL - DAY
A closed, horse-drawn carriage turns down the long drive. In the far distance is Hadley Hall. The carriage drives through a landscaped park and past a lake.
INT. HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE (MOVING) - DAY
Mrs. Thistlewaite sleeps in one corner of the carriage. Julia and Selina look out the coach window at the grounds.
Action
It's fun to describe a character's reaction to events. It makes the script become a film in a reader's mind.
So I would suggest you try to incorporate then whenever possible, without wasting any words.
An example from Page 2:
Cassidy does not reply. Malcolm turns his quizzing glass on Lord Cassidy.
MALCOLM (cont’d) You know, Cassie, I frequently defend you when it is said you resemble a hound, but the likeness is considerable when you sulk in such a manner.
You could change it like this, to say more:
Cassidy sulks. Malcolm turns his quizzing glass on Cassidy.
MALCOLM (cont’d) You know, Cassie, I frequently defend you when it is said you resemble a hound, but the likeness is considerable when you sulk in such a manner.
You should use only one of these names in the action lines for consistency throughout the whole script: "Cassidy" or "Cassie" or "Lord Cassidy". (This goes for the other characters, too.)
It is also fun to have other characters react to the dialogue and actions of your principle characters. It can add a lot of humor. For example, on page 5, Cassie and Malcolm have this fun exchange:
MALCOLM Exactly. I have definite requirements when filling my stable. Why should I not have even more stringent requirements for a bride?
CASSIE (muttering) Next thing you know you’ll be putting her through her paces and checking her teeth.
But it could be even more fun with someone overhearing them. Like this:
MALCOLM Exactly. I have definite requirements when filling my stable. Why should I not have even more stringent requirements for a bride?
A stout, old man toasts Malcolm with a glass of port.
CASSIE (muttering) Next thing you know you’ll be putting her through her paces and checking her teeth.
The old man guffaws. He sputters his port over himself.
Here is a case of not mentioning a minor character. Repeating the scene location when that information is already in the scene heading. And the verbs vary in tense and form. (Things to check throughout the script.)
From page 8:
Selina’s ushered into the Thistlewaite’s drawing room and rushes over to greet her friend Julia, who has risen from the sofa at Selina’s entrance.
It would read better with more active, present tense verbs. And it is best to break up action lines into imagined camera shots, when possible.
For example:
A butler ushers in Selina. Julia sits on a sofa. She stands at Selina's entrance. Selina rushes to greet Julia.
Theme
Marriage for love, not for financial gain.
You present your theme quickly, on page 2, from the mouth of your protagonist, Malcolm.
MALCOLM Perhaps not, but it is what they want. What are those dreams that I am accused of destroying? They are dreams of wedding the “catch of the season” purely for the sake of my fortune. The only way I could fulfill the numerous expectations I have excited is to become a polygamist. If I even speak to a young lady she is envisioning a trip down the aisle.
It would be nice to highlight this more for effect. But also to tell us just how Malcolm feels about it, without any doubt.
And how others might feel about it, like Cassie.
And how the society around them feels.
It could also allow you to break up the dialogue block a bit. And you could add some humor.
For example:
MALCOLM Perhaps not, but it is what they want. What are those dreams that I am accused of destroying? (bitterly) They are dreams of wedding the “catch of the season” purely for the sake of my fortune.
Cassie pulls Malcolm away from disapproving eavesdroppers.
MALCOLM The only way I could fulfill the numerous expectations I have excited is to become a polygamist.
A matronly woman looks over in horror. Cassie smiles apologetically.
MALCOLM If I even speak to a young lady she is envisioning a trip down the aisle.
On page 5 you have a lovely bit that shows us, again, how Malcolm feels, and how his list is really protection against being seduced by a woman who is really only interested in his money:
Malcolm turns to exit the ballroom and finds his way blocked by a trio of debutantes entering the room. He bows and steps aside, and they giggle and walk by, darting glances at him as they pass. Whispers of: “20,000 a year” and “I hear he has a mansion in Kent” can be heard.
Malcolm’s face hardens and he pats the pocket that contains his list.
But the whispers could easily be written as dialogue:
Malcolm turns to exit the ballroom and finds his way blocked by a trio of DEBUTANTS entering the room. He bows and steps aside.
The debutantes giggle and walk by, darting glances at Malcolm as they pass. They whisper together:
DEBUTANT #1 Twenty thousand a year.
DEBUTANT #2 I hear he has a mansion in Kent.
Malcolm’s face hardens. He pats reassuringly the pocket that contains his list.
It is nice that you have the theme reinforced by Selina's father. It also shows us that Selina thinks the same way as Malcolm does about this. They share the same values.
General Format Issues
Page 1 - The script begins with the location and date. But the form for this varies depending on whether one wants it to appear on the screen or not.
If one wants it to appear on the screen, then it should be written in one of these ways:
SUPERIMPOSE: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
SUPER: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
TITLE OVER: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
If you just want the reader, director, set designer, costumer to know the year, then you would write it like this.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT (1818)
Or
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (LONDON, ENGLAND, 1818)
Text/Typos
The script was clean of typos, which is amazing. I have never seen a script that was clean of all typos. Ever!
Page 67 - "No, although maybe I better come up with a name..." think that should read "No, although maybe I had better come up with a name..."
Page 115 - "One does it when they are preparing to make a long trip" I think it would be better "One does it when one is preparing to make a long trip"
All the best, I hope you take the time to do a re-write and make it great!
Regency-Romance-Comedy
Title
Mr. Malcolm's List
In the title you have the protagonist, "Mr. Malcolm". And you have a hint at the premise of the film with the "list". That's great! I think it is a wonderful title.
(Added Later: I missed seeing the list in the second half of the film. It is integral, and should make an appearance now and then. And at the end, it would be nice to have Selina finally see the infamous list. She could see that Malcolm checked everything off for her. Of course she would want a confirmation that he loves her, too. ;) And if she had made been so crass as to make a list, how might he have fared... ? )
(Added Laters mean after I got to the end of the script.)
Logline
While the Honourable Mr. Malcolm is London's most eligible bachelor in the year 1818, he's also the most fastidious one. Can any woman ever hope to meet all the requirements on...Mr. Malcolm's List?
Very nice. We see who and what. But a hint of his problem, like falling for Selina who meets the list's requirements, but then he learns he may have been tricked, would be nice, too.
In 1818, the Honorable Mr. Malcolm is London's most eligible, and most fastidious, bachelor. One woman meets all the requirements on Mr. Malcolm's list, and wins his heart. Or is she just a part in an elaborate hoax?
General comments:
It is a fun story, in a genre that is very popular with women of all ages. That gives it a broad, female appeal.
Regency, comic romances are what Jane Austen wrote. Her books have all been adapted to the screen, big and small, with great success.
Modern adaptations of her stories are also successful.
And variations on Jane Austen's stories are growing in popularity, if growing also in strangeness, like the Jane Austen zombie movie.
There are format and style issues with this script that could be addressed in a re-write, which would make the script look and read better. I offer suggestions below.
I think there is room to accentuate the humor in the script. The comic banter would be funnier if it were tighter, edited down. And humorous reactions could be mentioned more, to highlight the humor that is already in the script. I offer some suggestions below.
There are many lovely, entertaining lines in the dialogue. Actors would love to play with those lines.
The dialogue could use an edit, to reduce the length of dialogue blocks, and to "cut the fat", as writers say, and to break up the blocks with action and reaction lines. I offer some suggestions for both below.
The cast of characters is full of types that are recognizable to readers and viewers of this genre. They are full of foibles making them both types that we understand quickly, and real enough for us to care about them and understand them. Very Jane Austen! And fun types that actors would love to get their teeth into. Always a plus.
There is room for some strengthening of the three act structure. I felt some confusion about the prank, Julia's role, who Selina was really interested in, why Cassidy played along with the prank, and what exactly was on Malcolm's list. I provide some notes on these points below in the Act sections.
When I pose questions, I do not intend for you to answer we. They are just to show you what questions came up while I was reading the screenplay.
Act I
The first 5 pages of a script are key. In your script, they hit all the right points.
You have introduced your protagonist, Malcolm.
And his confident/best friend, Cassidy.
And the antagonist, Julia.
And you have presented the premise:
Malcolm does not wish to be seduced by a woman only interested in his fortune. He uses a long list of qualities he says he wants in a potential wife, to protect himself from any attachment, because the only way he feels he can avoid a loveless marriage, is to avoid marriage altogether.
The first 10-15 pages are also key. They generally include an inciting incident, which sets the plot in motion. And in a romance, they are also when we meet the potential love interest for the protagonist.
By page 13 we have met Selina, the love interest.
And we know that Julia's scheme will set the plot in motion. Julia is setting a trap for Malcolm, to get revenge for a perceived slight to her ego. She wishes to make Malcolm fall for Selina, believing she is the woman of his list. Then Selina will tell Malcolm that he does not fit his list. The intent is to make Malcolm feel the same rejection that Julia felt.
I didn't understand the motivation for Cassidy to participate in the prank on Malcolm. I couldn't see why he would do this to his friend. What sort of power does Julia have over Cassidy? Is he in love with her?
They make Selina more attractive. But they only know one item on the list. They advise Selina on this one item. (Added later: you have them know much more about the list later, but we didn't discover how they discovered those things.)
Selina meets Henry Ossory, who is seen by Malcolm as a rival for her affections.
I can't really find another Plot Point ending for Act I other than Malcolm finding he has a rival for Selina in Henry Ossory. It is not a Plot Point that the antagonist has had any hand in, which is unusual.
Selina is threatened by Julia, told she will have to leave if she doesn't play along. Then Julia backs down and Selena just agrees to think about it. Then Julia just acts like Selina agreed to continue the ruse.
(Added later: I have the feeling I missed something. I'm not sure if we were supposed to understand something here, some way for Julia to pressure Selina to continue with the prank. Otherwise, I'm confused later as to why Selina does continue with the prank.)
Act II
Selina has two suitors: Henry and Malcolm. The first meeting is fun, romantic and sweet. But I didn't really buy Julia's stated motivation for keeping Selina and Malcolm apart.
Julia seems to know what is in Malcolm's list. But we don't know how she knows this.
Things move quickly from 30 to 45. Sometimes it feels a bit too quickly. Like with cousin Gertie. She is such an eccentric character, that it would be fun to see her first meeting with Julia.
The protagonist, Malcolm, feels more like a supporting actor here. I would love to hear him confide in Cassidy about his feelings for Selina, and his change of heart about marriage.
Page 47 - Selina promises to play Julia's game. But I don't recall a moment or a motivation for Selina to decide this. I feel like I missed something.
Page 49 - The dinner party felt like a missed opportunity to show Malcolm's jealousy of Selina's interest in Henry. Some Regency head-butting could be fun. I wasn't sure what Julia's game was inviting both Henry and Malcolm. But at the bottom of page 49, when Selina pushes to have Henry invited to Malcolm's estate, I a hurt reaction by Malcolm.
I would have loved to have seen Malcolm tell Cassidy about his plans to invite Selina to meet his mother and show her his estate. The guilt Cassidy would feel...
Page 50 - We get here that Selina is really interested in Henry. I think that should be made clearer earlier, at the end of Act I. Again, here, I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. Why does Selina go along?
Page 52 - Malcolm seems completely taken with Selina by the time she arrives at his estate. Did she fulfill the whole list of qualities already? I think we should have been allowed to see the entire list earlier, and know which Selina has completed or not by now, so we can understand a bit better what is going on here.
Page 54 - It feels like Selina is in love with Malcolm and contemplating marriage to him. I thought she was still playing Julia's game, and was really interested in Henry.
Looking over the notes at this point, I see that I am confused as to motive, and I feel like I have missed something. Is it possible that something was cut from the first draft that should have remained?
Page 57 - Lovely moment between Malcolm and Selina. (and page 67)
Page 62 - Nice line: "You must realize by now that in-laws were designed by God to aid us in developing our character."
Page 63 - Suddenly Cassidy is mentioned. He wasn't mentioned before. I didn't realize he was there.
Page 74 - It is not clear that there is music, or if anyone else is dancing, or even if there are other guests.
Julia's trick is clever. I thought it might be fun to just have Julia and Selena walk off together, then cut to Malcolm receiving the note. That way we have to guess it is Julia in the library.
Malcolm is turned down in marriage by a woman he loves, who supposedly fits his list. This would be the Act II ending Plot Point.
Act III
Malcolm's suffering from the refusal is very quickly overturned by the chance escape of Selina, and Henry telling her what is going on.
Page 80 - Selina calls Mr. Malcolm "Malcolm". That doesn't seem right. It would be "Mr. Malcolm".
Page 95 - It might be fun to have us see the hand writing the notes to Selina and Malcolm, and later learning together with Malcolm who sent them.
Page 101 - Fun and romantic bit with the fountain.
Around page 119, there is an opportunity to end the story. Malcolm knows Selina is innocent of deceit, and he wins her over. That would bring the script in under 120 pages.
Page 128 - We have the antagonist, Julia, defeated, in a very nice way. It is something that could happen a bit earlier in this act, if you wanted to end the story around page 119.
Page 135 - I'm a big fan of FADE OUT. At the end of a script ;)
[In these next sections, when I make a note and give an example, it applies to all the other cases in the script, too, not just to that one example. I hope these things are helpful...]
Dialogue
Modern screenplay format no longer requires you put the (CONT'D) next to the character name in a dialogue block when they speak twice in a row. It saves a lot of writing effort. It is your call if you want to keep doing that.
MALCOLM (cont’d)
You can just put it normally.
MALCOLM
Quotes in dialogue. On page 1 you use single quotation marks. On page 2 you use double quotation marks. Both are fine. But within one script, it is best to be consistent. Either single or double, but not both within one screenplay.
Parentheticals can show us emotion, small actions, and they can help break up long dialogue blocks. There is no need to put the subject in them, as they refer to the speaker.
So, for example, on page 3, you can put (shrugs) instead of (he shrugs).
Actually, in that case, it would be fun to insert some comedy, and have the parenthetical like this.
MALCOLM
I don’t know.
(flutters eyelashes)
She flutters her eyelashes too much.
CASSIE
What?
(flutters eyelashes)
She flutters her eyelashes too much? That is your reason?
You could add more comedy, by having a matronly woman react to these two men fluttering their eyelashes at each other.
There are times when you have dialogue about something that happened elsewhere. These are moments when the dialogue takes on the sound of a stage play, rather than a movie.
In a movie, the action can just jump to the other location, and we can SEE and HEAR what happened, rather than hear about it from someone.
For example, on page 4 you have this block:
MALCOLM (cont’d)
Here it is. Item 4: ‘The ability to converse in a sensible fashion.’ The only type of conversation Miss Thistlewaite enjoys is one composed entirely of flirtatious remarks or extravagant compliments. When I asked her what opinion she held about the Corn Laws, she replied that restraint in one’s diet was bound to have a healthful effect.
It would be so much fun to just jump to Malcolm's moments with Miss Thislewaite and hear her inane comments. Like this, the brackets are where you would write new dialogue:
MALCOLM (cont’d)
Here it is. Item 4: ‘The ability to converse in a sensible fashion.’
INT. OPERA HOUSE - BOX - NIGHT
JULIA THISTLEWAITE (early 20s) quite attractive, feather in her hair, flutters her eyelashes at a disconcerted Malcolm.
JULIA
[flirtatious remark]
MALCOLM
[response]
JULIA
[extravagant compliment]
MALCOLM
What opinion do you hold on the Corn Laws, Miss Thistlewaite?
JULIA
Restraint in one’s diet was bound to have a healthful effect.
She flutters her eyelashes. Malcolm backs away in fear.
Julia turns her head, inadvertently brushing her hair-feather under Malcolm's nose. Malcolm fights a sneeze.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT
Cassie reaches for the list but Malcolm hurriedly folds it and returns it to his pocket.
CASSIE
What is that, Malcolm? Is that a list?
MALCOLM
Yes, it is.
Another case where the dialogue describes a scene that would be fun to actually see, is on the bottom of page 53, top of page 54. Selina's parents get the invitation to Hadley Hall.
But there are times when parentheticals are redundant. For example, when you use a double hyphen to interrupt a dialogue, that means the person was interrupted. So you don't need a parenthetical saying that, like you have on page 6:
CASSIE
He agreed you were a handsome girl—
JULIA
(interrupting)
Did he? That is good news. I must say, I thought I had displeased him in some way-
There are many dialogue blocks that could use some strong editing. Look for the important information in the block, then cut the rest. You have to be harsh, but it will better the flow of your story.
You might find this interesting. It is the link to Emma Thompson's Oscar-winning screenplay adaptation of the Jane Austen novel "Sense and Sensibility".
http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Sense-and-Sensibility.html
You'll see that she keeps the dialogue blocks small, even though Jane Austen could have her characters talking at great length.
There are things that are not correct with Thompson's format. For example, the capitalization of names throughout is a stage play format, not a screenplay format.
And the verb tenses vary at times. But it was her first screenplay, so she can be forgiven, and she was the star and producer. WE have to be more careful. ;)
Page 16 - You have Malcolm speaking off camera or off screen. It is usually written this way. (I usually see O.C. in English or Australian scripts.)
MALCOLM (O.S.)
Page 33 - Earlier Henry Ossory was called by his full name in the dialogue blocks. Here he is called only Henry. Later he is Henry Ossory again. It is standard practice to keep this consistent throughout a script.
Characters
There are some general guidelines for introducing characters in screenplays. The guidelines help the reader create a mental picture of the character.
One of these guidelines is to give each major character their own introduction paragraph. The second guideline is to try to link the character's introduction closely with their dialogue or action.
You begin your screenplay (page 1) with your protagonist and his best friend. I would suggest you separate their introductions like this.
THE HONORABLE JEREMY MALCOLM is surveying waltzing couples through a quizzing glass from the edge of the room. He is 30 years of age, very handsome, and richly dressed.
LORD CASSIDY approaches. He is a thin, gangly fellow who is a few years younger than Malcolm and not as good-looking or well-dressed.
And it should really be like this for Malcolm:
The Honorable JEREMY MALCOLM is surveying waltzing...
It is most common today to see the ages of characters presented this way. JEREMY MALCOLM (30) ...
On page 5 you introduce Julia, the antagonist in the story.
Cassie is staring owlishly at a scary-looking figurine of a Chinese sage with slanted eyebrows and a maniacal smile when his cousin JULIA THISTLEWAITE enters the room. She is in her early twenties and quite attractive, with an air of arrogance about her. She sneaks up behind her cousin.
Julia is a major character, so she would be better set off in a paragraph just for her. Something like this:
Cassie stares owlishly at a scary-looking figurine of a Chinese sage with slanted eyebrows and a maniacal smile.
In the b.g., JULIA THISTLEWAITE (early 20s) enters the room. Julia is quite attractive, with an air of arrogance about her. She sneaks up behind her cousin Cassie.
I did a few other changes here that I should point out.
"In the b.g." means "In the background" and it is a handy way of economically inserting information in an action line.
You can use these in action lines, and they are always in lower case in action lines, but upper case when next to character names above dialogue blocks.
b.g. = background
o.s. = off screen, off camera
And I changed "is staring" to "stares" because whenever possible, it is best to use the most active verb form.
I put Julia's age in parentheses after her name, according to the latest screenplay form.
You don't need to put that Julia is Cassie's cousin. We heard that earlier.
I left "her cousin" but added "Cassie". But you could just as easily put just "Cassie".
Settings - Scenes
Your scene headings are missing the hyphen, and sometimes the period. It is standard form to put a period after INT and EXT, and to put a hyphen before the DAY or NIGHT. Like this.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT
When you have an EXT. and INT. and then rooms within the INT. they are usually put in the scene headings like this, for consistency and clarity.
EXT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DRAWING ROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - BALLROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - SELINA’S BEDROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - BREAKFAST ROOM - DAY
INT. THISTLEWAITE’S TOWNHOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
When you have a vehicle of any kind, there are special ways of describing the EXT. and INT. scenes in the Scene Headings. On page 24 you have:
EXT HORSE DRAWN CURRICLE ON LONDON STREET DAY
Mr. Malcolm drives while Selina sits beside him.
It should be like this:
EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY
A horse-drawn curricle passes down the street. Malcolm and Selina are visible inside. Malcolm drives.
INT. HORSE-DRAWN CURRICLE (MOVING) - DAY
Malcolm drives the horse carefully through the traffic. Selina sits at his side.
MALCOLM
Miss Thistlewaite appears determined to keep us from enjoying one another’s company.
SELINA
I beg your pardon?
Another example from page 50:
EXT HORSE DRAWN CLOSED CARRIAGE DAY
A carriage turns down the long drive to Hadley Hall. In the far distance an enormous mansion can be seen. The carriage drives through a landscaped park and past a lake.
INT HORSE DRAWN CLOSED CARRIAGE DAY
Mrs. Thistlewaite sleeps in one corner of the carriage while Julia and Selina look out the coach window at the grounds.
It should be more like this:
EXT. HADLEY HALL - DAY
A closed, horse-drawn carriage turns down the long drive. In the far distance is Hadley Hall. The carriage drives through a landscaped park and past a lake.
INT. HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE (MOVING) - DAY
Mrs. Thistlewaite sleeps in one corner of the carriage. Julia and Selina look out the coach window at the grounds.
Action
It's fun to describe a character's reaction to events. It makes the script become a film in a reader's mind.
So I would suggest you try to incorporate then whenever possible, without wasting any words.
An example from Page 2:
Cassidy does not reply. Malcolm turns his quizzing glass on Lord Cassidy.
MALCOLM (cont’d)
You know, Cassie, I frequently defend you when it is said you resemble a hound, but the likeness is considerable when you sulk in such a manner.
You could change it like this, to say more:
Cassidy sulks. Malcolm turns his quizzing glass on Cassidy.
MALCOLM (cont’d)
You know, Cassie, I frequently defend you when it is said you resemble a hound, but the likeness is considerable when you sulk in such a manner.
You should use only one of these names in the action lines for consistency throughout the whole script: "Cassidy" or "Cassie" or "Lord Cassidy". (This goes for the other characters, too.)
It is also fun to have other characters react to the dialogue and actions of your principle characters. It can add a lot of humor. For example, on page 5, Cassie and Malcolm have this fun exchange:
MALCOLM
Exactly. I have definite requirements when filling my stable. Why should I not have even more stringent requirements for a bride?
CASSIE
(muttering)
Next thing you know you’ll be putting her through her paces and checking her teeth.
But it could be even more fun with someone overhearing them. Like this:
MALCOLM
Exactly. I have definite requirements when filling my stable. Why should I not have even more stringent requirements for a bride?
A stout, old man toasts Malcolm with a glass of port.
CASSIE
(muttering)
Next thing you know you’ll be putting her through her paces and checking her teeth.
The old man guffaws. He sputters his port over himself.
Here is a case of not mentioning a minor character. Repeating the scene location when that information is already in the scene heading. And the verbs vary in tense and form. (Things to check throughout the script.)
From page 8:
Selina’s ushered into the Thistlewaite’s drawing room and rushes over to greet her friend Julia, who has risen from the sofa at Selina’s entrance.
It would read better with more active, present tense verbs. And it is best to break up action lines into imagined camera shots, when possible.
For example:
A butler ushers in Selina. Julia sits on a sofa. She stands at Selina's entrance. Selina rushes to greet Julia.
Theme
Marriage for love, not for financial gain.
You present your theme quickly, on page 2, from the mouth of your protagonist, Malcolm.
MALCOLM
Perhaps not, but it is what they want. What are those dreams that I am accused of destroying? They are dreams of wedding the “catch of the season” purely for the sake of my fortune. The only way I could fulfill the numerous expectations I have excited is to become a polygamist. If I even speak to a young lady she is envisioning a trip down the aisle.
It would be nice to highlight this more for effect. But also to tell us just how Malcolm feels about it, without any doubt.
And how others might feel about it, like Cassie.
And how the society around them feels.
It could also allow you to break up the dialogue block a bit. And you could add some humor.
For example:
MALCOLM
Perhaps not, but it is what they want. What are those dreams that I am accused of destroying?
(bitterly)
They are dreams of wedding the “catch of the season” purely for the sake of my fortune.
Cassie pulls Malcolm away from disapproving eavesdroppers.
MALCOLM
The only way I could fulfill the numerous expectations I have excited is to become a polygamist.
A matronly woman looks over in horror. Cassie smiles apologetically.
MALCOLM
If I even speak to a young lady she is envisioning a trip down the aisle.
On page 5 you have a lovely bit that shows us, again, how Malcolm feels, and how his list is really protection against being seduced by a woman who is really only interested in his money:
Malcolm turns to exit the ballroom and finds his way blocked by a trio of debutantes entering the room. He bows and steps aside, and they giggle and walk by, darting glances at him as they pass. Whispers of: “20,000 a year” and “I hear he has a mansion in Kent” can be heard.
Malcolm’s face hardens and he pats the pocket that contains his list.
But the whispers could easily be written as dialogue:
Malcolm turns to exit the ballroom and finds his way blocked by a trio of DEBUTANTS entering the room. He bows and steps aside.
The debutantes giggle and walk by, darting glances at Malcolm as they pass. They whisper together:
DEBUTANT #1
Twenty thousand a year.
DEBUTANT #2
I hear he has a mansion in Kent.
Malcolm’s face hardens. He pats reassuringly the pocket that contains his list.
It is nice that you have the theme reinforced by Selina's father. It also shows us that Selina thinks the same way as Malcolm does about this. They share the same values.
General Format Issues
Page 1 - The script begins with the location and date. But the form for this varies depending on whether one wants it to appear on the screen or not.
If one wants it to appear on the screen, then it should be written in one of these ways:
SUPERIMPOSE: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
SUPER: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
TITLE OVER: LONDON, ENGLAND 1818
If you just want the reader, director, set designer, costumer to know the year, then you would write it like this.
INT. LONDON BALLROOM - NIGHT (1818)
Or
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (LONDON, ENGLAND, 1818)
Text/Typos
The script was clean of typos, which is amazing. I have never seen a script that was clean of all typos. Ever!
Page 67 - "No, although maybe I better come up with a name..." think that should read "No, although maybe I had better come up with a name..."
Page 115 - "One does it when they are preparing to make a long trip" I think it would be better "One does it when one is preparing to make a long trip"
All the best, I hope you take the time to do a re-write and make it great!
C. Martinelli