All Reviews

Premise- I decided to read this story because of the premise. I like real stories about people in real situations. This story drew me in.

Story Structure
1) I'm not an expert on format but yours seemed really good to me. It was easy to follow except for all the action in between song lyrics.
2) "Crosses to" appears a lot. Vary it with other expressions.
3) Give decription. It's great that you used specific places but if I've never been to, say, the Roosevelt Hotel or the Gardenia Club I don't know what's inside. What does Rachel's apartment look like? What does Robert's loft look like? Also give more description in the introduction of some of the characters.
4) One of my notes said "Ent./INT. quick exchange." For example:

EXT. 24 HOUR FITNESS -- DAY

Traffic is lined up as cars turn into the
West Hollywood mainstay. Inside--

INT. 24 HOUR FITNESS -- CONTINUOUS

Just skip to where the action is. The exterior shots seemed extraneous in instances like these.

5) When the overweight mermaid and Cirque performs showed up. I thought, "What the hell is going on?" I guess I missed the part of the synopsis that says Robert is always in his head. But I shouldn't need the synopsis to tell me this. It needs to be expressed clearly early on in the script.
6) Few mistakes. Only one I caught was that you used Alejandro's name as part of the dialogue before introducing him.
7) Time. This story takes place over a few months. I was lost at times. Specify when necessary in the slug line(the next day, two weeks later, ect.).

Characters/Dialogue/Emotion

1)This script had a lot of crude humor in it, which for me, was off-putting. I laughed out loud at some of these jokes but overall this story didn't read like a story where most of that type of humor fit.
2) Ivar's character was very crude himself. He wasn't likeable so I didn't really care if he ended up with Robert.
3) Who is Jesse exactly?
4) I didn't know most of the songs referenced- not your fault. But it's a big reason why I gave you 2 stars for emotion. It took away from the emotional impact of those scenes.
5) The "Meeka's spa" scene was where I realized something important. Meeka points out to Robert that doing this is out of his comfort zone. I realized that the characters had been pointing out Robert's flaws and knida verbally showing us his character arch... too much. We should surmise the type of person Rob is much more through his actions in the story instead of through dialogue. I mean for example:
Viktor and Rob talk about not being there for Jesse. Rob and Trey talk about him not being there in the past. It'll take major restructuring, but you should really develop those background stories and show them in the script. That will also help us connect to the characters more and learn more about them. The "stool extraction" scene- I'll get to that- was a good example of showing his character arch through action.
6) Back to stool extraction. Rachel saying, "We need to go. It's Trey," was the most emotionally grabbing scene for me. So... when we get to her apartment and learn what's wrong with Trey, I'm thinking, "is this for real or is this part of the crude humor." I actually laughed out loud. It was an emotional letdown. Come up with something else- anything else- just get rid of it.
7) I liked that throughout Rob is just lip-syncing the songs. But at the end he actually sings in his own voice. It was the best example of character arch through the reader's interpretation of the script.
8) Get rid of the ending with the whole Tina Turner thing. The beaches and mountains and histrionics completely destroy what we should get from Rob singing. It just puts him back in this imaginary place inside his head, whereas, he's spent the whole story trying to break out of that.


In conclusion

After all that, this script has great potential! I think the hardest part is getting the idea of what makes for a good, unique story and you have that. I'm only a 21 yr. old aspiring screenwriter who hasn't written anything yet so you shouldn't take all your cues from me. But I hope you take the criticism as constructive and improve your next draft.
Good Luck!

LeQuoya's review is really well done - modest but goes into fine detail; useful for the writer.

I liked the story and the characters.
I thought the dialogue was very funny at some parts.
I disagree with the other reviewer, I thought it might be a bit to detailed.
Giving actor cues to much(as the actor will be able to interpret from dialogue) and things like specific music cues should generally stay out of the script unless you plan to direct it yourself.