4
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Fast paced, but ending needs tweaking
I like the fact that this script is set in Brisbane, a place often overlooked by writers as a setting. The characters are strong, and there is a least one, that a viewer can relate to. My only big complaint about the script is the ending. In my opinion it follows the line that too many vampire film follow; and that is the survivors search for others that may not have been "turned". If this could be revised into something more original, it would round out the script very well.
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Memorable images and robust plot
In my opinion, this script has the potential to be a potent and original platform for the vampire genre. It has a strong and distinct cast of characters combined with a robust and innovative plot. This review aims to stress those elements of the script that the reviewer sees as original and observe those elements that may detract from these core strengths.
Among the most enticing elements of the script are a number of characters and a number of scenarios. Of the bad guys, Rolland is a great authority figure. He has the obstinate ambition of a ruthless but successful dictatorial leader almost struggling against the aristocratic, archaic, but credible mannerisms developed over a centuries long existence. As his 2IC, Stitch may also exploit idiosyncrasies of speech and mannerism to become a truly memorable character,while providing a possible red herring power struggle early in the narrative. Finally, the enigmatic human Hagan occupies a unique space as he willingly betrays humans while enjoying amnesty; he nonetheless has the capacity to earn the audiences empathy and benefit of the doubt as to his reasons.
Erik is the hero, avoiding the archetypal self-sacrificing-redeemed-alcoholic he is a solid player throughout, straining credulity at all the right times and coming up trumps without unnecessary trumpets, very refreshing. Jami and Dan allow us to see them grow as characters. Jami has attitude, but sufficient restraint to make her platonic rapport with Erik one of the jewels of the script. Dan, and Kyeema by extension, magically earn our rapport from the very beginning. Dan emerges as a hero-martyr, a transition which importantly sustains the momentum of the narrative. Kyeema, and to a lesser extent the elderly vampire couple, illustrate the struggle of a human coming to terms with being vampire. Ground well covered in 'Let me in' is bares well repeating in her character, an important cradle of emotional depth. Finally Abel firmly anchors 'Pray..' in the iconic vampire genre. I hate the sycophantic way the other characters relate to him but I see how it is important. Like Erik, Abel is a constant driver in the narrative, a convincingly benevolent humanist and the only true equal to Rolland at an intellectual level.
Among the scripts unique aesthetics are the bed sheet- swaddled, emaciated vampires *excellent* and the apartment block scene is a highly successful platform for this. Also Abel's human chain, one of the scripts darkest moments and unashamedly poignant. Another important image is the overwhelming number of vampires. Especially in the warehouse scene, this mass gathering of malevolence can be a stand out feature, an enemy made more frightening by that powerful tool, inference. Finally, gore, glorious gore. Like hearing your favourite band in it's garage days and still loving it, the gore in this script makes it ring true and earns our loyalty.
A possible weak spot in the script is a pervading awkwardness in the dialogue. The strong, unapologetic gore elements of the film make a degree of stylisation in the dialogue necessary. However, the difference between a static and an iconic phrase is sometimes difficult to distinguish. Further, the dialogue often sits awkwardly in the Brisbane setting as it struggles to accommodate alien idioms. While adding 'mate' to every other exchange is clearly no solution, if a solution is indeed required perhaps it lies in that direction.
I am privileged to have read this script. As someone sensitive to criticism of my own creative efforts, I offer this review with detachment and goodwill. I can't adequately express my best wishes for the success of this script. Thank-you for sharing it with me Stephen.
Yours sincerely,
Sven.
[Appendix: Typographic.
Page 3: Jami's boyfriend is variously referred to as Jack and Mark.
Page 10: Jami's 3rd line- apostrophe missing from “can't”.
Page 62: Erik is referred to as Andy.
Page 73: Line 13- “Sitch” instead of “Stitch”.
Page 78: Last line- apostrophe missing from “can't”.]
Among the most enticing elements of the script are a number of characters and a number of scenarios. Of the bad guys, Rolland is a great authority figure. He has the obstinate ambition of a ruthless but successful dictatorial leader almost struggling against the aristocratic, archaic, but credible mannerisms developed over a centuries long existence. As his 2IC, Stitch may also exploit idiosyncrasies of speech and mannerism to become a truly memorable character,while providing a possible red herring power struggle early in the narrative. Finally, the enigmatic human Hagan occupies a unique space as he willingly betrays humans while enjoying amnesty; he nonetheless has the capacity to earn the audiences empathy and benefit of the doubt as to his reasons.
Erik is the hero, avoiding the archetypal self-sacrificing-redeemed-alcoholic he is a solid player throughout, straining credulity at all the right times and coming up trumps without unnecessary trumpets, very refreshing. Jami and Dan allow us to see them grow as characters. Jami has attitude, but sufficient restraint to make her platonic rapport with Erik one of the jewels of the script. Dan, and Kyeema by extension, magically earn our rapport from the very beginning. Dan emerges as a hero-martyr, a transition which importantly sustains the momentum of the narrative. Kyeema, and to a lesser extent the elderly vampire couple, illustrate the struggle of a human coming to terms with being vampire. Ground well covered in 'Let me in' is bares well repeating in her character, an important cradle of emotional depth. Finally Abel firmly anchors 'Pray..' in the iconic vampire genre. I hate the sycophantic way the other characters relate to him but I see how it is important. Like Erik, Abel is a constant driver in the narrative, a convincingly benevolent humanist and the only true equal to Rolland at an intellectual level.
Among the scripts unique aesthetics are the bed sheet- swaddled, emaciated vampires *excellent* and the apartment block scene is a highly successful platform for this. Also Abel's human chain, one of the scripts darkest moments and unashamedly poignant. Another important image is the overwhelming number of vampires. Especially in the warehouse scene, this mass gathering of malevolence can be a stand out feature, an enemy made more frightening by that powerful tool, inference. Finally, gore, glorious gore. Like hearing your favourite band in it's garage days and still loving it, the gore in this script makes it ring true and earns our loyalty.
A possible weak spot in the script is a pervading awkwardness in the dialogue. The strong, unapologetic gore elements of the film make a degree of stylisation in the dialogue necessary. However, the difference between a static and an iconic phrase is sometimes difficult to distinguish. Further, the dialogue often sits awkwardly in the Brisbane setting as it struggles to accommodate alien idioms. While adding 'mate' to every other exchange is clearly no solution, if a solution is indeed required perhaps it lies in that direction.
I am privileged to have read this script. As someone sensitive to criticism of my own creative efforts, I offer this review with detachment and goodwill. I can't adequately express my best wishes for the success of this script. Thank-you for sharing it with me Stephen.
Yours sincerely,
Sven.
[Appendix: Typographic.
Page 3: Jami's boyfriend is variously referred to as Jack and Mark.
Page 10: Jami's 3rd line- apostrophe missing from “can't”.
Page 62: Erik is referred to as Andy.
Page 73: Line 13- “Sitch” instead of “Stitch”.
Page 78: Last line- apostrophe missing from “can't”.]
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Fast, fun read
The synopsis caught my attention. Story is told in a nice pace, making it an easy read. There are a few formatting errors etc such as problems with scene headings and run on sentences in the action sections.
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
A visual feast
This is a good script Stephen, easy to read and imagine as we follow the characters in and around
the older apartments and alleyways of Brisbane.
I especially like the scene at Dan's apartment. Funny and playful at first, then suspenseful and quite shocking as viewed through the window by Kyeena.
Personally, I felt after Rolland's death more could have been achieved at the factory... you had the fire
& gas! The end seemed a little rushed.
So much of this script is about the way it looks. I only hope you can get the locations, set dressing and
VFX you need to bring this script to life.
Good luck and well done.
the older apartments and alleyways of Brisbane.
I especially like the scene at Dan's apartment. Funny and playful at first, then suspenseful and quite shocking as viewed through the window by Kyeena.
Personally, I felt after Rolland's death more could have been achieved at the factory... you had the fire
& gas! The end seemed a little rushed.
So much of this script is about the way it looks. I only hope you can get the locations, set dressing and
VFX you need to bring this script to life.
Good luck and well done.
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
New twist to a vampire story ....
The emotion kept me into the hero's journey. I like that a vampire story is set in Brisbane/AU, an unusual place for such a story normally set in Europe or the Americas. The premise needs work, but it does capture the core of the story and theme. Dialogue needs some rewording, and I 'hear' the same dialogue spoken by several characters -- but, that could be the vernacular of the group with common interests/goals much like how jargon is spoken in certain occupations. Characterization is defined; each character is his/her own. Structure is really good. Some typos are evident should be corrected. Other than the aforesaid, I feel this story has potential. Good work, Stephen. I'm following your script as it improves and, hopefully, rises to the upper tier.
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