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A large Production to say the least. With Gladiator and Troy already produced, this would probably be a difficult project to sell
Finalist: Best Test Movie
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie
Tiverton, Rhode Island
January 22, 2011
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only because there's some issues that are easily fixed.
In any event, writers need to write and if it was your first script, look at it as exercise. The more you work out the bigger your muscles get. First rule: Writing is rewriting. Period.
I'll start with some basics. There are a lot of characters to absorb in just the first act. In my view, way to many.
When describing characters, say Caesar for instance. Caesar (30's) no need to type out the age. You'll save words.
The writer (Mark) needs to break up those large blocks of dialogue. Some of them are very
long, too long.
There's paragraphs of dialogue that can easily be edited. Cut to the chase.
In that time period, would they use words or phrases like kickback, hell bent for leather, hands in the air, snafu, bung-holed, point taken, bugger etc.?
The dialogue between Caesar and Cicero talking about the law firm/partner etc. could easily be cut down.
Throughout the script, there needs to be less talking, more white on the page.
This is a hard fact: If a studio or production company reader came to those kind of block dialogue a half page long, he would simply close the script and open another one.
When you use a parenthetical in dialogue. It should go like this below, not stuffed between the dialogue. No big deal to fix.
Cornelia
(to Caesar)
You will be careful.
There are many places you can cut. For example: The poet sings. No need to recite the poem.
Marcus Thermus Award's speech. Just show him handing out the award. We know the soldiers are already brave, because they're getting the award.
Page 62-63 Caesar's Solemn Duty speech. Cut to the chase. page 65 Again, Caesar's dialogue too long.
On page 75, again no big deal, you say the sea is calm, and next line the sail billows with wind.
Page 78, drops and assault ramp. Should be drops an assault ramp.
84 & 85 Caesar reciting Sophocles. Again, same issue on block dialogue.
In any event, you need to take the script page by page and see what works and what
doesn't.
I will say that you certainly took on an enormous challenge. You gave it a beginning, a middle and an end. And that's an accomplishment. Now, you have to determine if you want
to continue flexing those muscles to make a better script.
Good luck.
Richard Guimond
Epic fits this script, but probably just too much going on.