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Winner: Best Script
Finalist: Best Script
Semifinalist: Best Script
Origin Of A Species, Matthew's Original Draft
(Script 1) 12/10/2011An ex-cop faces the greatest obstacle of his life after his three German Shepherds are infected with rabies and terrorize a small, Midwestern community. His estranged wife feeds her sexual desire for one of her students, even as fear grips the town and the body count rises.
Creative Notes
This is an eighth draft of this screenplay. Focusing on character development and pacing, the result is a quick read with drama and action in all the right places.
Synopsis
Two years after the loss of his leg in a car accident, ex-cop Jim Sprenguard focuses on his narcotics detection business and three German Shepherds: Gretchen, Boss, and Krueger.
Meanwhile, his beautiful but estranged wife seeks her sexual fulfillment from one of her students, seventeen year-old Dan Clark; cross country runner and budding adult. After a secret nighttime rendezvous at Timberchase Lake, Dan hits a rabid deer with Bonnie’s car and inadvertently spreads the virus to Jim’s three dogs.
A property line dispute with Jim’s neighbor results in the infected dogs getting loose from their kennels and instituting a reign of terror on the small community. Jim reunites with his old partner, Officer Simon Mercer, to search for the animals, and as the attacks escalate, Jim regains a part of himself he lost in the car accident years before. His purpose.
Bonnie and Dan’s affair gets complicated when Dan’s religious mother begins a crusade against evolution being taught in Dan’s school, and Bonnie is her target. Religious fervor mixed with real-life fear surfaces as people begin dying at the teeth of the dogs.
Jim must face his demons head-on as he and Mercer continue their search. He finally opens up to his old friend about the accident that claimed his leg and Bonnie’s involvement in it. A pattern emerges.
After Jim confronts his wife about her recent whereabouts, Bonnie runs to the arms of her young lover. Their plans to flee the small town soon become a nightmare when they’re pursued by Jim’s dogs. What begins as a study in human sexual desire soon becomes a lesson in animal instinct, chaos, and self-preservation as the two run for their lives. When they find themselves at Timberchase Lake, Bonnie flees into the water but Dan panics and runs, attracting the attention of Gretchen.
Jim and Mercer arrive on the scene just in time to save the life of the frightened and bloodied teenager, however, Jim must put an end to the terror and pursues his once faithful pet. In a final, brutal struggle, Jim kills Gretchen and restores himself in his own eyes.
Bonnie, hidden in the moonlit lake, survives unnoticed and unscathed, her beauty and cunning intact, her sins paid for in the blood of those around her.
Meanwhile, his beautiful but estranged wife seeks her sexual fulfillment from one of her students, seventeen year-old Dan Clark; cross country runner and budding adult. After a secret nighttime rendezvous at Timberchase Lake, Dan hits a rabid deer with Bonnie’s car and inadvertently spreads the virus to Jim’s three dogs.
A property line dispute with Jim’s neighbor results in the infected dogs getting loose from their kennels and instituting a reign of terror on the small community. Jim reunites with his old partner, Officer Simon Mercer, to search for the animals, and as the attacks escalate, Jim regains a part of himself he lost in the car accident years before. His purpose.
Bonnie and Dan’s affair gets complicated when Dan’s religious mother begins a crusade against evolution being taught in Dan’s school, and Bonnie is her target. Religious fervor mixed with real-life fear surfaces as people begin dying at the teeth of the dogs.
Jim must face his demons head-on as he and Mercer continue their search. He finally opens up to his old friend about the accident that claimed his leg and Bonnie’s involvement in it. A pattern emerges.
After Jim confronts his wife about her recent whereabouts, Bonnie runs to the arms of her young lover. Their plans to flee the small town soon become a nightmare when they’re pursued by Jim’s dogs. What begins as a study in human sexual desire soon becomes a lesson in animal instinct, chaos, and self-preservation as the two run for their lives. When they find themselves at Timberchase Lake, Bonnie flees into the water but Dan panics and runs, attracting the attention of Gretchen.
Jim and Mercer arrive on the scene just in time to save the life of the frightened and bloodied teenager, however, Jim must put an end to the terror and pursues his once faithful pet. In a final, brutal struggle, Jim kills Gretchen and restores himself in his own eyes.
Bonnie, hidden in the moonlit lake, survives unnoticed and unscathed, her beauty and cunning intact, her sins paid for in the blood of those around her.
Reviews
Overall Recommendation:
4.2 stars
(6)
Most helpful reviews
7
out of
7
people found the following review helpful:
Good Screenplay - Make it More Memorable
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
The Sigur Ros of Scripts
Hi Matthew,
I posted this over at ScriptShadow, but as I'm a member of Amazon Studios, I figured I would post it here as well, even if some of it only makes sense in context of the ScriptShadow community.
Congratulations on a great script.
Karl
_______________
IMHO of course, but if scripts were bands, then 'The Disciple Program' would be U2: Slick and popular. Mainstream as it gets. Kinda corporate. Their music does everything you expect of it and exactly when you expect it. Some would say they are dull and soulless. Never any surprises. Always ripping off better bands. But you have to agree they have some classic songs in their repertoire. Bottom line though is they make a lot of people happy and make a shit load of money in the process.
'Origin of a Species' on the other hand would be 'Sigur Rós'. Defiantly weird. Happy to do their own thing. Never an attempt to sellout with a guest rap by Kanye (note to self: check Kanye's never rapped on a Sigur Rós track). Obscure for a long time, people begin to catch on, and they quietly become a pretty big band, soundtracking movies and ads everywhere. Oh... And they sing songs in a made up language.
Based on their track record with 'Ben Franklin' and 'Zombies vs Gladiators', I'm amazed - and very pleasantly surprised - that Amazon handed Matthew a $100,000 check for this - the 'Ágætis byrjun' of scripts.
Though the writing in 'The Disciple Program' grabbed you by the balls in a way 'Origin of a Species' can't match, I think this might just stick with me longer. It had that element of 'heart' I thought was missing in 'Disciple'.
That's not to say it's perfect, but it has this very weird, off-kilter charm I really liked, and in all honesty, the scene with Bonnie being confronted by Terry and the headmaster was as tense as anything in 'The Disciple Program' - and funnier.
With that said, if I was producing this, I would ask Matthew to look at these things:
Jim is a very passive character. He doesn't do much, even as he suspects his wife of an affair. He kinds of shuffles through the story, letting life happen. You can almost sympathize with Bonnie running off with someone younger and more dynamic. Though the two stories eventually collide, I'd like to see Jim taking a more active role in investigating his wife's possible infidelity. Add some tension as Bonnie and Dan get close to being caught (by Jim). Maybe have Bonnie persuade Dan to kill Jim - shades of 'Body Heat' - with rabid dogs.
I liked the ending a lot, but in all honesty, it's odd. That's a good thing in my book, but I also like the idea of Jim - crushed by his wife's unfaithfulness - faced with the choice of rescuing her and her lover from the dogs, or letting them die. It's one of those rock and a hard place choices Carson has championed before. Do the right thing and save them, or use this 'get out of jail free' opportunity to let them die. Could he do it? Does he want to? Does he still love his wife? Would he get away with it anyway? There's some juicy drama to be mined there.
This also feels very much like a Coen Brother's film, but without the humor. Larry the neighbor, Terry the evangelical, Bonnie the harlot, Dan the dumb, randy teen - these are all borderline caricatures, and what the Coens do is embrace that, pushing the outrageousness of their characters just that little bit further, until we see the humor. Their 'A Serious Man' mirrors 'Origins' in many ways, with a sad sack hero at its center. The difference is Gopnick tries to do something about all his troubles. And it's funny. I would like to see the black humor amped up here.
Finally, I think the dogs' killing spree starts a touch too late. I was getting a little itchy for something to happen during the scenes with Larry and the fence. There also seems to be a hint of the supernatural at times with the dogs, but it never quite plays out. The Darwinian links suggest the dogs might be evolving, but at other times, they are just plain old rabid dogs.
It seems from a marketing point of view, the bigger and scarier the dogs, the better. Make them intelligent. Payoff their police training somehow. Go full Cujo.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this, and would rate it a strong [x] worth a read. I'd love to see Amazon Studios risk some money on this, instead of some of the bigger budgeted projects they seem so keen on. Keep the budget low, make it scarier and push the black humor and this has cult hit written all over it - just like Sigur Rós'.
I posted this over at ScriptShadow, but as I'm a member of Amazon Studios, I figured I would post it here as well, even if some of it only makes sense in context of the ScriptShadow community.
Congratulations on a great script.
Karl
_______________
IMHO of course, but if scripts were bands, then 'The Disciple Program' would be U2: Slick and popular. Mainstream as it gets. Kinda corporate. Their music does everything you expect of it and exactly when you expect it. Some would say they are dull and soulless. Never any surprises. Always ripping off better bands. But you have to agree they have some classic songs in their repertoire. Bottom line though is they make a lot of people happy and make a shit load of money in the process.
'Origin of a Species' on the other hand would be 'Sigur Rós'. Defiantly weird. Happy to do their own thing. Never an attempt to sellout with a guest rap by Kanye (note to self: check Kanye's never rapped on a Sigur Rós track). Obscure for a long time, people begin to catch on, and they quietly become a pretty big band, soundtracking movies and ads everywhere. Oh... And they sing songs in a made up language.
Based on their track record with 'Ben Franklin' and 'Zombies vs Gladiators', I'm amazed - and very pleasantly surprised - that Amazon handed Matthew a $100,000 check for this - the 'Ágætis byrjun' of scripts.
Though the writing in 'The Disciple Program' grabbed you by the balls in a way 'Origin of a Species' can't match, I think this might just stick with me longer. It had that element of 'heart' I thought was missing in 'Disciple'.
That's not to say it's perfect, but it has this very weird, off-kilter charm I really liked, and in all honesty, the scene with Bonnie being confronted by Terry and the headmaster was as tense as anything in 'The Disciple Program' - and funnier.
With that said, if I was producing this, I would ask Matthew to look at these things:
Jim is a very passive character. He doesn't do much, even as he suspects his wife of an affair. He kinds of shuffles through the story, letting life happen. You can almost sympathize with Bonnie running off with someone younger and more dynamic. Though the two stories eventually collide, I'd like to see Jim taking a more active role in investigating his wife's possible infidelity. Add some tension as Bonnie and Dan get close to being caught (by Jim). Maybe have Bonnie persuade Dan to kill Jim - shades of 'Body Heat' - with rabid dogs.
I liked the ending a lot, but in all honesty, it's odd. That's a good thing in my book, but I also like the idea of Jim - crushed by his wife's unfaithfulness - faced with the choice of rescuing her and her lover from the dogs, or letting them die. It's one of those rock and a hard place choices Carson has championed before. Do the right thing and save them, or use this 'get out of jail free' opportunity to let them die. Could he do it? Does he want to? Does he still love his wife? Would he get away with it anyway? There's some juicy drama to be mined there.
This also feels very much like a Coen Brother's film, but without the humor. Larry the neighbor, Terry the evangelical, Bonnie the harlot, Dan the dumb, randy teen - these are all borderline caricatures, and what the Coens do is embrace that, pushing the outrageousness of their characters just that little bit further, until we see the humor. Their 'A Serious Man' mirrors 'Origins' in many ways, with a sad sack hero at its center. The difference is Gopnick tries to do something about all his troubles. And it's funny. I would like to see the black humor amped up here.
Finally, I think the dogs' killing spree starts a touch too late. I was getting a little itchy for something to happen during the scenes with Larry and the fence. There also seems to be a hint of the supernatural at times with the dogs, but it never quite plays out. The Darwinian links suggest the dogs might be evolving, but at other times, they are just plain old rabid dogs.
It seems from a marketing point of view, the bigger and scarier the dogs, the better. Make them intelligent. Payoff their police training somehow. Go full Cujo.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this, and would rate it a strong [x] worth a read. I'd love to see Amazon Studios risk some money on this, instead of some of the bigger budgeted projects they seem so keen on. Keep the budget low, make it scarier and push the black humor and this has cult hit written all over it - just like Sigur Rós'.
6
out of
8
people found the following review helpful:
w
w
Most recent reviews
0
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
A lot of conflict and drama :)
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Well written, but does need a lot more drama
A good script that is pretty original, though I think the pace was too slow. While reading the script, I knew that eventually the dogs would go crazy from the rabies and start attacking people, but it would have been nice if there was more tension built up by having the dogs going crazy earlier in the script and having more instances where you see them going starting to go crazy over time until they eventually start attacking people.
Their first attack happened on page 46, which in my opinion should have happened around page 30, it just seemed to long before things really got going, and then the dogs don't make an appearance again for quite a while.
Instead of just seeing people dead, actually seeing the dogs stalk and then eventually attacking people would make it more dramatic.
With that being said, the script was really well written. The dialog was good and the characters were well defined, though it would have been nice if Jim's and Bonnie's relationship was more defined and why Bonnie was cheating on Jim.
The script was really tight, though the tiff that Larry had with Jim about Jim's fence being on his property didn't seem to drive the story forward very much or seem to be related to any of the events in the screenplay. It would have been better if Jim tore down his fence and the dogs got out while the fence was being moved, so the scenes of Larry complaining about the fence would be apart of the story and help move it forward.
Other than that, a pretty enjoyable read.
Their first attack happened on page 46, which in my opinion should have happened around page 30, it just seemed to long before things really got going, and then the dogs don't make an appearance again for quite a while.
Instead of just seeing people dead, actually seeing the dogs stalk and then eventually attacking people would make it more dramatic.
With that being said, the script was really well written. The dialog was good and the characters were well defined, though it would have been nice if Jim's and Bonnie's relationship was more defined and why Bonnie was cheating on Jim.
The script was really tight, though the tiff that Larry had with Jim about Jim's fence being on his property didn't seem to drive the story forward very much or seem to be related to any of the events in the screenplay. It would have been better if Jim tore down his fence and the dogs got out while the fence was being moved, so the scenes of Larry complaining about the fence would be apart of the story and help move it forward.
Other than that, a pretty enjoyable read.
3
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Real life conflictual characters and dialogues aren't enough to make a great story
While I was writing this review, my wife asked me why I was reviewing the big winner.
“Because I think I can contribute to turn it into a better movie”, I answered.
It’s true I didn’t like the script too much, but I loved to hear all the opinions of people that read my Strom Dragons script here in AS. The hard critiques are the ones that really helped me to improve my work.
So let’s go. First the critiques and after my suggestions.
Formatting:
The general formatting is fine, but the many scenes with repeated scene headings in sequence sounded weird.
Premise:
The premise is not original as theme and plot. I think it needs to have some new and fresh elements in the basic premise and development to connect with the audience. It seems work better as a drama than as a thriller.
Story Structure:
I could not find the arcs, the hero’s stacks and goals. Nothing happens in the first 40/50 pages and even after that the pace still is slow. No twists.
Character:
No doubt they are very real life ones, full of conflicts and emotional degrees. Unfortunately, I was unable to connect with them. They weren’t good enough to make me cheer for them nor bad enough to root against them.
Dialogue:
As the characters, the dialogues are realist and show us conflict in each scene (a strong feature). They are well written but I felt like they were done exactly to show this conflict and didn’t get me emotionally involved. Maybe if the characters had got me I wouldn’t feel it this way.
Emotion:
The thriller sequences showed me low suspense/ intensity and I was not cheering for anyone. So they definitively didn’t work for me.
Suggestions:
I think working in Jim and Bonnie, the main characters, is a key to do the script/movie better.
It’s good they are very plausible but they couldn’t be ordinary. They have to shows us aspects of their personalities that make us love and/or hate them.
Putting some objectives to Jim could be a tool to do a significant improve to the structure and also give strength to the character. Jim has no wishes, hope, expectations or passion on anything, so I feel the same related to him.
A stronger, less day-by-day relation with the dogs could make us to love him and love his dogs. It would be great to increase the future conflicts.
Bonnie could be a worse person, not only an unfaith wife with a conflicted relation with his husband, following his sexual instincts. She could be more conscious of the harm and damage she can cause. She could like to humiliate Jim. I don’t know but I think we have to somehow connect with her.
I’d like to see a more dramatic ending too. I think that in the final chase Jim could discover about her wife affair and decide if he wants to save his lover or not. At the end, the lover could lose his leg and become impaired like Jim. It’s only a idea of what I’m talking about.
Well, Matthew, these are my comments. As I said at the beginning, the goal is to give my two cents contribution.
I hope it can be useful.
Best of luck!
“Because I think I can contribute to turn it into a better movie”, I answered.
It’s true I didn’t like the script too much, but I loved to hear all the opinions of people that read my Strom Dragons script here in AS. The hard critiques are the ones that really helped me to improve my work.
So let’s go. First the critiques and after my suggestions.
Formatting:
The general formatting is fine, but the many scenes with repeated scene headings in sequence sounded weird.
Premise:
The premise is not original as theme and plot. I think it needs to have some new and fresh elements in the basic premise and development to connect with the audience. It seems work better as a drama than as a thriller.
Story Structure:
I could not find the arcs, the hero’s stacks and goals. Nothing happens in the first 40/50 pages and even after that the pace still is slow. No twists.
Character:
No doubt they are very real life ones, full of conflicts and emotional degrees. Unfortunately, I was unable to connect with them. They weren’t good enough to make me cheer for them nor bad enough to root against them.
Dialogue:
As the characters, the dialogues are realist and show us conflict in each scene (a strong feature). They are well written but I felt like they were done exactly to show this conflict and didn’t get me emotionally involved. Maybe if the characters had got me I wouldn’t feel it this way.
Emotion:
The thriller sequences showed me low suspense/ intensity and I was not cheering for anyone. So they definitively didn’t work for me.
Suggestions:
I think working in Jim and Bonnie, the main characters, is a key to do the script/movie better.
It’s good they are very plausible but they couldn’t be ordinary. They have to shows us aspects of their personalities that make us love and/or hate them.
Putting some objectives to Jim could be a tool to do a significant improve to the structure and also give strength to the character. Jim has no wishes, hope, expectations or passion on anything, so I feel the same related to him.
A stronger, less day-by-day relation with the dogs could make us to love him and love his dogs. It would be great to increase the future conflicts.
Bonnie could be a worse person, not only an unfaith wife with a conflicted relation with his husband, following his sexual instincts. She could be more conscious of the harm and damage she can cause. She could like to humiliate Jim. I don’t know but I think we have to somehow connect with her.
I’d like to see a more dramatic ending too. I think that in the final chase Jim could discover about her wife affair and decide if he wants to save his lover or not. At the end, the lover could lose his leg and become impaired like Jim. It’s only a idea of what I’m talking about.
Well, Matthew, these are my comments. As I said at the beginning, the goal is to give my two cents contribution.
I hope it can be useful.
Best of luck!
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Winner: Best Script
Finalist: Best Script
Semifinalist: Best Script
Origin Of A Species
Origin Of A Species, Matthew's Project
(Thriller and Suspense) "An ex-cop faces the greatest obstacle of his life after his three German Shepherds are infected with rabies and terrorize a small, Midwestern community. His estranged wife feeds her sexual desire for one of her students, even as fear grips the town and the body count rises."
And yet, after all is said and done, the movie doesn't really STAND out, if you know what I mean. Thus, only 4 stars instead of 5. In my mind, this would be the sort of movie you watch in theaters, then a month later it drops off from the box office and everyone forgets about it. It'd just be remembered as that summer movie with "those crazy dogs."
So, your script right now isn't by any means bad, it's actually quite good (as deservedly awarded by AS), but to make this film GREAT you need to heighten the drama, up the ante, create some truly compelling and twisted characters that come head to head reflecting your underlying theme of Religion vs. Evolution, Order vs. Chaos.
A perfect example of a character that could be more compelling is Bonnie. She is the central antagonist here, not the dogs, which are merely the embodiment or result of her "evil" nature. Bonnie represents the dark or negative aspect of our wild and sexual nature, she is at the base of the evolutionary tree (fantastic scene by the way!), and her motives seem to be based solely on her selfish desires, not on the outcomes of her actions which affect others. This is a solid villain, but in my mind, she comes off as too nonchalant; it’s as if her motives are simply “to fool around” and see what happens.
I’d like to see a more active, calculating, and twisted villain than one who is passive. While we sort of get that vibe from her in the final scene as she watches from the water, I think to myself, well that’s just from the movie Wild Things. In fact, the whole teacher-student relationship is reminiscent of Wild Things, but that movie is only memorable for its shock-value, not its strong premise which your movie could be remembered for.
So, if we’re thinking in thematic terms of your premise, Order vs. Chaos, what’s the best way for Bonnie to show contempt for her enemy? In my mind Bonnie’s main enemy is not her husband Jim (who she has already corrupted/destroyed), it’s Terry, her high school lover’s mother, who represents religion and Order. You had a great set-up scene with Bonnie and Terry in the principal’s office, but these two never come head to head again, which needs to happen (maybe a few times). After all, it was the principal who said that Bonnie needed to resolve the situation (which she never does). I think in Act 2, just as the dogs start their attacking spree, or when Dan basically tells his mom to F-off, Bonnie arranges to meet Dan on her mom’s bed and go at it. This should be the most sexually explicit scene in the movie, as we finally see that they are in fact having sex, and moreover, it is Bonnie who is on top, she is the one initiating and fulfilling her selfish desires, she is the one who suggests they run away together, she is the one corrupting all around her …
Even worse, perhaps Terry will walk in on them having sex on her bed. This is Bonnie’s way of saying F-You, literally; she’s not going to follow anyone’s rules but her own.
However you decide to resolve the conflict between Bonnie and Terry, in my opinion they need to meet head to head one last time. In the end, once Dan has been fully corrupted by her, he should be killed by the rabid dog Gretchen as Bonnie escapes unscathed. This not only reinforces the theme of everything she touches becomes destroyed (chaos), but it also shows her utter disregard for anyone but herself.
Following this logic, it's not too hard to see that Bonnie in some ways personifies the devil herself. So instead of 3 rabid dogs, there really should be 4, as this could be a subtle connection to the four horses of the apocalypse. Gretchen, of course, would represent the pale horse, the last and final, the most dangerous of them all.
This review is getting rather long, and I could go into more detail on improving Jim's ending, expanding Officer Mercer's role, etc., etc., but I will leave you with a few final thoughts.
First, the fact that these are "drug-sniffing" dogs should come to fruition meaningfully in the screenplay. Perhaps Bonnie is abusing drugs, it could be one means of corrupting Dan. Just a thought.
Second, Jim needs to come out changed for the better. We need to see that he will get his act together, instead of reverting back to a useless drunk. Perhaps Mercer could get him to rejoin the police force in some way, perhaps a love interest could be hinted at...or maybe you want to leave it solemn/ambiguous, this might make Bonnie's actions more foreboding.
Third, the title needs to be changed. At first I thought upon reading the title "Origin of a Species" that there was going to be an actual new species terrorizing humanity. But really it's just a bunch of rabid dogs, so that was a minor confusion. I would make the title less grandiose. While I get the connection to Darwinism and survival of the fittest, it's really not that fitting here and is too blunt. The title could simply be "Rabid" or just the name of the lake or the wood your story takes place.
Well, that's it for now. Overall it was a solid screenplay and congratulations once again on your win. Wish your script the best in its future.