Reasons That Ran, Alexis's Original Draft

Guidance to readers by a major studio: “Visual, Aural, Oral. In that order.”
Keep this in mind when reading my review below

Difficult to understand by page 20 what the hero / protagonist actually wants. What is her goal in the whole movie?

I found this a difficult read – essentially because I couldn’t invest in a story or characters I didn’t understand from the writing.

The most difficult part of this SP is that even within its own world it’s just not believable – Heart attack victims under defibrillation who suddenly bounce up asking for forgiveness; people who come back from the dead, first as ghosts, then as victims of deliverate hospital mix-ups; parents of a fiance who calmly post $1m cheques and are never heard of again in the story; Strange characters who seduce a ‘widow’, have a brother who just happens to be an ex-boyfriend of said ‘widows’ best friend but they’ve never met until mister seducer introduces them; a successful book – publication to book signing in nine weeks; A mother in rehab who choses to stay there when the treatment is done; a brother who never comes alive off the page except as a flat, 2D stereotype.

It’s a shame – there is a nice story in here waiting to get out – but it needs a back to the story board approach. What does Ashley actually want – at the beginning? What are the stakes? What are the obstacles?

Major problems with the script:

I HATE IT WHEN !!!! ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING !!!! IS IN CAPITALS AND HAS !!!!! EXCLAMATIONS MARKS IN EVERY PIECE OF DIALOGUE!!! AND (((((()))))) PARENTHICALS JUST IN CASE ANY ACTOR ACTUALLY READING THIS SCRIPT DOESN’T GET HOW TO ACT THE DIALOGUE.

See what I mean? No? Then look at all the pages from 1-9 and explain why the dialogue is in capital letters and full of explanation marks? If it’s for emphasis it might be nicer to see some description of what the characters are doing before they deliver their dialogue, then cut the capitals, much of the dialogue and definitely every single one of these: !

Problems with the story:

By page 5 , all we’ve learned is that two young people have become engaged and are meeting the parents and by page 9 that the father doesn’t like his daughter’s fiance. This could be done in a single page. There is no tension in the scene between father and said boy because it’s all done through dialogue – basically shouting at each other. So we don’t find out how controlling the father is towards his daughter except through dialogue.

Where is the hook in the first 10 pages?
The accident doesn’t happen until nearly 30 pages in – it seems a bit cliched if I’m being honest – hero fiance, killed while trying to help a fat waster whom the protag then blames for the death of her fiance.
Then by p51 she’s on a date with this strange character – the scenes leading up to this just don’t do it. They don’t sell the reasons why she goes on a date with him rather than calling the police and having him sectioned or arrested.
Then we have the emerging back story of this young lady – she hails from Coventry. Possibly the worst city in Britain you could possibly choose (trust me I lived there for a while) and not a hint of her English accent or heritage up to then?
Not to mention Ashley being told of the death of her fiance (earlier) in a crowded waiting are of the ‘Emergency Room’ by a doctor, who doesn’t take her aside or into a room.
By page 72 I couldn’t even work out what Ashley wants let alone what the stakes would be if she doesn’t get what she wants and what the obstacles to her getting what she wants actually are – because they keep changing.
What does she want? 1. Father’s approval? 2. Fiance back or his ghost? 3. John? 4. Successful writing career? 5. Mike again? 6. A better relationship with her mother? 7. Her brother back home?

Telling not showing – most of the important parts of the story are told through dialogue including back story, plot points etc. Why?
Where there is description it doesn’t give us anything other than stuff that’s difficult to see ‘on screen’ without using direction rather than description of action. E.g. P 16:
‘A phone sitting nearby rings multiple times and visibly frustrates Mike.’
How? What does he do so that we know ‘visibly’ he’s frustrated? Does he slam down a screwdriver? Kick the phone? Oh yes, we find out – but not for another half page of dialogue via VO answerphone messages.

P21 – again, through dialogue, Ashley says that the meeting between her father and Mike was the worst day of her life. Really? She also says it’s happened three time before with other boyfriends. She’d be used to it by now, surely? Or at least the affect would have dissipated. So where are the stakes in this for Ashley? Mike doesn’t give a sh#t anyway so where’s the drama?

Characters who’ve never been explained. John appears as a named character (first name only) in the café without any explanation of who he is prior to this (this comes later). P 71 – example of fantom characters JOHN: I think James has the hots for her. – who is James? BECCA the therapist appears at the end of the scene between Mike and Ashley (kissing scene) as a VO before she’s even introduced in the next scene. P78 ASHLEY: ‘Oh and Peter thank you’ – who the hell is Peter? Why is he, like James never mentioned before or after or better still introduced?

Confusion – the whole Mike/Paul thing from P82 onwards – is confusing. It took me pages and pages to work out what was going on and then it just seemed corny.

The big reveal with John in the café towards the end – it’s written as an ‘oh by the way’ conversation as it stands then it becomes bitter and sort of violent with Ashley’s kick under the table.

I’m sorry Alexis – this needs a complete rewrite, after you’ve decided what the story actually is and concentrated on Ashley’s goals and obstacles and what the stakes are. I hope in any redraft you’ll ditch 30% of the dialogue – one Heather dialogue goes on for 10 lines for example.

Good luck with this – it’ll be hard work but ultimately worth it.

Very well developed story, hard hitting and heart felt. will make a excellent movie.
This is a very well developed story line. was and still am confused by the opening scene but after reading the script I think I see why it is there. Though the story is a little slow in places it still keeps you attention.
The way you bring Mike back in at the end is very abrupt and believe you could develop that part of the story and would be to great benefit.
As a hole it is well written some questionable formatting but am not the best judge of that, it just made it hard for me to follow.
CHARACTURES; each one is well developed all the way through and you feel there growth with the story. Some people say you should not describe something you are seeing on the screen but I find reading it helps me at this stage. Later it will be determined by the actors.
Your "premise" the one you have does not deliver the premise impact of you story.
DIALOGUE; in the most part done very well the use of cut off words was a little over the top for me, is some cases needed others not so much.
Alexis you have a very good dynamic story here, it does need some work but should be worth the hard work. The emotional swings are intense.

Below are just a few of the small problems I saw.

no page numbers = top right?

pg 1 cellphone = cell phone

pg. 5 ASHLEY
You can say that. = wrong indent

MIKE
I proposed to your lovely daughter this evening and she got overly = last

pg 11. MIKE
Sir with no due respect you know nothing about me.
= all?

pg 16
He lifts her
HAND

To expose her sparkling ring.

not sure of this formatting?

pg 35
She kneels her head down and blankly stares at the table.
= lowers?

I really hate rating people's scripts, since it's so subjective, but there it is. Please don't take anything personally, but I've got some notes below. I hope you'll find them helpful.
First impression, having just finished it: the premise isn't bad, and could lead to something decent. The execution is shaky, though. It reads very much like a first draft, complete with typos and run-on sentences, some of which I'll address below. Beyond the specifics, though, I have a couple general thoughts...
The characters, to me, are a little uncomplicated to be believable, especially in a story like this, which is going to succeed or fail based on the viewers' investment in the characters. Ashley just seems like everything she does is just too... intense. I feel like she storms out of more rooms than she leaves politley. In each scene, she seems to always be 100% "in love" or "sad" or "confused" or "angry." The same goes for everyone else. Dad is 100% "disapproving/stern." Mom is 100% "damaged/helpless." Etc.
Real people experience things in shades of grey. They're ambivilent about things. This goes for everyone else, too. I just didn't believe that John would put up with her bullshit, honestly. The ulterior motive we find out at the end makes it somewhat less far-fetched, but I just found myself constantly wondering if anyone has ever been as patient as he is with a seemingly crazy girl he just met. No matter how hot a girl is, I don't know a single guy who would be so dedicated after seeing her in a coffee shop a couple times. Anyway, that's my biggest complaint. I just didn't beleive any of the characters were actual people. They seemed more like plot devices.
As for the plot: I agree with the other reviewer: Mike coming back just seems to be too obvious. If it happened in a movie I was watching, I would probably literally groan. I addressed my issues with John above. The whole arc could work, but doesn't as it stands. I just don't believe her Dad could do all the stuff he does, between the switched medical charts and bribing John. It's just too far-fetched. It could work, with some tweaks, such as a different motive for John and something more complicated to explain how he ended up at the wrong hospital for FOUR YEARS. Maybe 100 years ago, but in the 21st century, it would take a full-blown conspiracy.
On to the details...
Nine weeks to write and publish a book? Unless she was an already-famous author on the level of an Oprah or a Stephen King, it's completely unbelivable. Probably even if she were one of them.
"recall" books? I'm not going to get into how she already has fans and photographers. Doesn't work. At all. Sorry.
Dialogue can be unnatural:
"Did you set the alarm properly because I know how you are sometimes."
"I've been seeing Mike for 4 years I think I've mentioned him to you before!"
"I want to have a say in who she decides to date or marry or whatever! How is she going to know who's good and who's bad if I don't pick them for her!??"
"First off, I'm not drunk. I just opened the bottle before you walked over. I am a little woozy, but perfectly conscious."
Lastly, just-plain awkward elements...
1. John finds her address in the phone book? Do they still have those?
2. They have an answering machine? AND a plasma TV? Is this 1985 or 2012? Pick one and stick to it. It's jarring.
Consistency: Is Mike in her imagination or is he real? p 45 or so: does Mike live in the room or her head? he knows about the guy in the shop but not mom. I guess, since he turns out to be a projection of her unconscious, or whatever, it doesn't need to be consistent, but it jumped out at me.
HOSPITAL: weird, unrealistic. The beeping is audible in the waiting room? She can just barge in and barge out without anyone really objecting or, I don't know... ARRESTING her? She could have potentially compromised everyone's safety.
P 63 why does his not having read her books answer the question of whether they're good or not? then, the waiter returns after a couple pages?
p 93 why are there new clothes in the closet?
Anyway, that's it. I hope some of this is useful. Sorry if this seems harsh, but I find criticism more helpful than compliments, so I tend to focus on it.
Some advice: have someone read it, out loud, to you. Preferably a couple people. Buy beer/wine and cook some friends dinner. Stop when someone has a comment to make. A lot of this will be a lot more obvious if you're hearing it, rather than reading it.
Best of luck! Keep at it.
~Henry