Angus Kootenhayoo (Edmonton)

Clear movements between the shots. I would suggest a slight visual addition to your main character so she has a unique look to stand out. A mole would work.

Other then that, I like the whole The Morning After feel...can't wait for the dialogue.

The premise is good.

But the real strengths is in the structure. These types of structures are not the easiest to design but you have dug in and created a smart foundation.

The characters really power this story, the interchanges feel real and the story has an authentic flavor because of them.

Which leads us to the dialogue. The dialogue complements the characters, as they should.

Emotionally, I wouldn't say I was deeply rooted in them, but it is only 30 pages that I read and everyone should know...I am intrigued enough to read it through.

All and All,
a promising story
that deserves more then a 30 page read.


Well Crafted and Finely drawn out!

Very imaginative. It was quite the labyrinth of intrigue. I quite enjoyed it.

I like the motive but think you should dig deeper, give EDGAR a deeper reason to gambit his own soul.

A riddle hidden in the labyrinth of the house that his father became obsessed with is a good place to start....just a suggestion.

I really enjoyed the story... The dream sequences were great!

Good Luck with it.

Angus K

There is lots of avenues for this interesting premise.

If you keep it in this current state you'll have to make more set ups and pay offs...the NEED FOR BATTERIES was very good track to follow, but as soon as you show IT the story dwindles to a game of cat and mice, ice pops, and gore.

The juxtaposition of the gore against the bubbly dialogue makes this quite campy. Though I will admit you've thrown in some nice thematic visual pieces...the recycling symbol for example.

There is a real interesting story hear if you can wrangle it out and develop the better parts. Your interactions of characters are great.

I really like all the characters, supporting and main, it was fun, like the neighbors town to the Northern Exposure town, I just really enjoyed spending time in their company.


Good Luck and thanks for the fun Saturday matinee.

Well Done!