Michael Coady (Portland)

This was a fun adventure story in the vein of Romancing The Stone, with a little Raiders Of The Lost Ark and The Mummy (the newer version) thrown in. It's more story-driven than character-driven so naturally the characters are not going to be as three-dimensional but they each had their own unique voice that made it easy to tell who was speaking. Below are my notes:

1.) I think it would lend more realism in the opening scene if the characters spoke Spanish with English subtitles.

2.) page 4 --Begins laughing----> Laughs.

3.) page 6-- Gosh he's cute ---> Cut this. Only write what can be filmed. We don't need to read what Wendy might be thinking as she looks at Jake.

4.) I would cut Jake out altogether. The way he's written made me wonder when he was going to show up in the script since it looked like he was going to be a major character. Try to find another way to introduce Wendy.

5.) page 9-- They are sitting ---> They sit. Try to avoid using passive verbs if you can (are, is, have been, etc).

6.) page 11-- This is just a personal preference but maybe cut Bruce's dialog.

7.) page 15-- Growing hysterical ----> Cut

8.) page 17 -- Volvo station wagon. A preferred mode of transportation for librarians the world over ----> Unless you put that in dialog, I'd cut it out.

9.) page 18 -- someone is watching Wendy ---> Someone watches Wendy. Again, watch the passive verbs.

10.) page 19 --- Can you clap your hands so hard that they bleed?

11.) page 20 ---Peter's ---> Peter

12.) page 23-- Falstafian priest ----> Maybe just use priest.

13.) page 24--- You father ---> Your father

14.) page 29 --The woman can hold her own ---> Cut. Write only what can be filmed. Her actions will tell us if she can hold her own.

15.) page 35 ---She is cute when she's mad ----> Cut. That doesn't tell us anything we need to know.

NOTE: I loved the plane/fuel boat scene. Reminiscent of a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

NOTE: I really liked Rick's character. He had a great humor to him.

16.) page 72-- plan ----> plane

NOTE: great scene when the plane crashes into the jungle on the island. Very visual.

17.) page 76 -- The ---> they

18.) page 81 --- He clenches he side ---> He clenches his side

NOTE: I really liked the idea of the crash survivors regressing into teens and children. Had a Lord of the Flies meets Peter Pan feel.

19.) Just wondering why Hooker says G-d instead of God. Is he superstitious? Religeous?

20.) PAGE 98-- RICK: Don't touch that dial. ---> Sounds kind of corny. Maybe rewrite?

21.) Some of the elipses (. . . ) could be cut.

NOTE: When the children age back to adults, what about their clothes? Would they fit?

NOTE: Would the same phenomenon that affected the humans on the island also affect the animals? Maybe you could hint at this.

I found this to be a fast read and quite enjoyable. I love adventure stories and this was right up my alley. Needs a couple more drafts to flesh out the characters and tweak some dialog. But it has a lot of promise. Well done.

First let's get the nuts and bolts of structure out of the way. Go back with a fine-tooth comb and fix all the spelling and grammar issues (throne, not thrown; Werewolf, not Ware Wolf). Remember, you can't film "Begins to" or "Starts to". I would try and omit them altogether if you can.

In a spec script, it's not necessary to show credits rolling. And character names only need to be in ALL CAPS the first time they are introduced. Something as simple as forgetting that will get you a PASS from a studio reader.

Here's a sentence from the script: Lights suddenly begin to light up as the hotel appears to slowly come to life. (Try: Lights appear as the hotel comes to life.) See how many words you save? And much easier on the reader.

Get rid of all or most of the use of "Slowly". It's being overused in this script. (Door slowly opens. James slowly steps through.) Also, don't use ( . . .) in the dialog. Let the actor decide how to speak the lines. They'll figure out what works best.

Don't need to use "ESTABLISHED" so much. Especially in a spec script. Same with "DISSOLVE TO".

Now to the story:
It was an enjoyable story that needs work. I think you should rewrite this as more of a horror/comedy, similar to Idol Hands, From Dusk Til Dawn, any of the Evil Dead movies. The characters of James, Rob and Chris are not people I would care about or root for. But if you make their highschool-like personalities more humorous (like in Idol Hands), then we at least can laugh at their stupidity.

I would like to see Rob reappear during the last battle and help James and Marie. We didn't see him die so it's possible he could have lived. Plus it would be nice if he redeemed himself with an act of heroism. And Maria should tell Rob to stop calling her "dude".

I didn't like James using martial arts to fight the beasts. He's transformed into a beast himself and should fight as one.

Finally, I did not really like how the story ended. Evil is destroyed, the hotel crumbles into cracks in the earth, then something with a clock and James finds himself alone in the middle of the desert. I would like it more if James, Rob and Maria all came out of this together. Maybe they hitch hike and get picked up by some really scary-looking character.

All-in-all, not a bad story. Just needs a few more drafts. Good luck.

This script is a combination of amityville Horror, The Frighteners, The Legend of HellHouse, and Evil Dead. It starts off pretty slow and picks up halfway into the script, with most of the action taking place in the third act. Since this is a horror story, I would like to see the thrills and chills begin much sooner, something to whet our appetite as we wait for the real action to start. A Hollywood studio reader looks for any reason not to read your script. You have to get their attention early and hold it.

In the opening scene, we see a man going down to his basement to check out odd sounds. His wife stands at the top of the celler steps and calls to him. He jumps. Somehow, she knows he was startled and laughs, even though she could not see him in the basement.

There's no need to put "quotation marks" in the dialog. Also, try to avoid passive verbs, especially in dialog. Listen to how people talk. It will help if you have people read your characters' dialog so you can hear how it sounds with actors. It should sound natural.

Be careful about having one character cutting off another character's dialog. sometimes it is necessary but use that sparingly. Also, try to avoid using "And" too much. It slows down the flow of the story. always look for better ways to say what you want to get across. Many of the action lines could be combined, which will shorten the script. No need to write a sentence, then go to a seperate actine line, followed by another seperate action line.

Also, I am confused about the hag and the zombie. This is a haunting so I'm not sure what a zombie is doing in the story. I would keep the paranormal entities consistant with the story. Or give us a little background on why there is a old hag or zombie in the house.

I liked the dolls. Reminded me of the movie "Dolls". Nothing creepier than demon dolls. I would expound on those more. Also, I don't believe any of the investigators died in the story. The only death was at the end of the third act (unless I missed something). What's at stake for the characters? Where's the horror? I want you to really ramp up the scare value.

There is promise for this story. Everything is there. You have a character who goes back to the house where his father died. He's in denial of the paranormal, even though he is a "Ghost Buster" of sorts. But right now it just doesn not feel quite there yet. Don't try to copy movies you've seen but rather show us something unique and terrifying. Good luck!