Ed Falcon Hollywood North

This project apparently is already in pre-production, I think for a live-action test movie, so many of my problems with it may be fixed in the test movie or even become irrelevant.

As the script starts, I would like it to be clear in which country and year this is happening. I thought it was in Germany and on page 90 it turns out it is in the USA at present time.

Frederich must be in his 90s or even pushing 100 years old. I wish this was made clear. That made me think that the "present" was in the 1980s or 1990s.

The name Celecia apparently doesn't exist and that made me wonder too. Cecilia is a common name, so I think that should be the spelling. Celicia also exists, although I have never met anyone with that name either.

With someone so old as him, I think it would be Celecia, who must be 18-20 years old, who would go to interview him at his home or elderly care home, instead of him going to the university. I would also like to know which university it is.

Then her question is too broad, it should be made more specific. Instead of "narrate the events of WWII" use "narrate the events during WWII WHEN YOU ..." It's also important to say something specific about why this German man's story is important for us to follow, as the Germans are usually the bad guys in WWII films. Possibly "Narrate the events during WWII when you felt forced to turn your back on your fatherland." Or start with a strong question: "Do you feel you were a traitor to Germany for what you did at the end of WWII?"

Once we are in flashback mode, I couldn't understand how is that we were seeing the events at the partisans' hideout and at the Polish couple's chateau. By being a flashback, it means we are seeing things that Frederich witnessed or were told in detail, so how does he know so well what his enemies were doing? This made me think that he was a traitor or an informant for the partisans since the very beginning.

The first scenes go too slow. That's not bad per se, but in this contest our one-shot is the first 30 pages, so definitely the plot should advance faster and get to a big hook by page 30, and in my view currently it doesn't. I think the SS guys should decide to take on the partisans by page 30 and that Frederich should have already shown a hint that he might become a traitor.

Hans should be called "Papa Hans" and not just "Papa" as that is too confusing, especially when the little girl calls him that.

There are too many exclamation points in the descriptions. I advice to replace them ALL with periods. Dialogue is okay with exclamation points, but not descriptions. Maybe one or two in the whole script to emphasize the most intense moments.

It's confusing all the last names of the Germans, especially the SS guys. After a while I don't know who's who. I would add to their character name something like their rank or task. Or maybe use nicknames or something instead of only German surnames.

The battle is way too long, for being such a small battle. In war movies when we have such a long battle sequence it's because it's epic, but that's not the case here. It might work for an indie film, but not really for a Hollywood film, which would need either more battles or bigger or both. Or be constructed in a way that the battles are not that important, so just make them shorter and build the tension more before or in between.

I think it should all be condensed so Frederich stands up against his fellow soldiers to help the Polish civilians by the end of ACT II. In the interview he says that he ran away and that he was still fooling around for 3 months with the fear that the SS might catch up with him. All that sounds interesting to be ACT III of the movie. Maybe the climax is the day when Germany capitulates and the SS almost catches him, but instead they are imprisoned by the Americans. It could even be interesting to see something in the American prison camp, such as an assassination attempt against Frederich. I would also like to see the reaction of other Germans when they know that he's a traitor and maybe have an emotional speech by him saying why it was more important to be humane than to be loyal.

In the end Cecelia says that the bad guy was found guilty of "war crimes against humanity". That doesn't exist as a single thing. One type is "war crimes" and another "crimes against humanity".

All in all, I think this script needs a lot of work, but I also think it has a lot of potential and could be a very nice story of a man struggling against his loyalty to his fellow soldiers and superiors and his views of humanity and higher values. And how his friendship with a little girl made him choose the path he chose.