Garrett Dennert (Seattle, WA)

Overall, I thought this screenplay was brilliant, with everything well fleshed out and moving at a quick, enjoyable pace. Everything for me is 5 stars, except for the dialogue, but I feel that rating is purely of my own preference. If you’re going for a noir-ish feel, it works excellent, with the romantic lines like “Oh, Tony, how I love you.” For me, the dialogue absolutely worked because Tony, Gale and Leah all loved literature and could be labeled as “romantics” (in fact, Tony states he is a romantic towards the beginning). And the romantic style works well to separate these characters from Howard and his buddies. Well, look at that, completely argued out my own “complaint.” Anyway, like I said, it’s of my own preference, and it’s probably because I am somewhat unfamiliar with past films that use that kind of language. It seemed to remind me of Fitzgerald’s dialogue, hinting at the Golden Age, which I feel you may have been going for.

I’ll try to be clearer with the rest of the review. The two things I loved most in this script were the references to the culture and to literature, and the parallels drawn between Tony and Leah’s day out and Gale’s day in prison. While I have never been to Massachusetts or Maine, the places visited, the scenes described were all so believable to me. I loved that when you took Tony and Leah out of the Puttick “area” they seemed to really splurge with the tourist-y attractions. Well done. And with the parallels, I feel you struck gold. Not only does it show Leah and Tony having a wonderful time together, thus making it conceivable they’d get married, but it shows them growing apart from Gale, who is isolated. For me as a reader, I know that even if the story were to go a different way, nothing would be the same between Gale, Tony, and Leah if she were to get out of prison, so I feel that you handled those scenes/situations extremely well. But another plus from implementing this technique is that it speeds up the pace so well at a point that could easily be made boring, by today’s standards. Prison movies have been done and done again, and if you were to show, step-by-step, Gale in her cell, I don’t feel it would hold an audience for very long. Once again, well done.

Lastly, the only other things I wanted more of were Tony and Gale’s courtship and more of Tony’s narration. As it is now, I felt that Tony and Gale’s courtship was kind of rushed, but it can be argued that they are both “romantics” and fall for each other very quickly. And with Tony’s narration, what you have is great, though I feel there are spots where it can be placed in even more. Examples are during Tony and Leah’s day out, or right before Tony and Leah’s accident. Not sure if the script absolutely NEEDS either, but just a couple suggestions.

Awesome script. Well done, and I look forward to reading other scripts of yours.

First off, I just wanted to say: nice work! From start to finish I was intrigued and flipping through the pages as fast as I could, while reading of course. You have a very solid script here that entertains on many facets. For this review I’m going to break it down into two categories: positive and negative. But before I do that I want to say that I have not read previous drafts, and therefore have not witnessed the evolution of this script.

Positives (nearly everything):
• Brady is a great character. I found myself rooting for him the whole way, hoping that he’d figure it out.
• So many things are working on all cylinders. For example, I love that you implemented a mystery novel (what Monica is writing) into the script for a little irony.
• You handle all of these characters very well, from Grace and her family to Mark behind the counter.
• You seemed to hit every beat I was searching for as I read. For example: when I found myself wondering about the umbrella Brady originally left in the car, you immediately had it in the next scene. Also, after attempt two or three (on pg. 43 I believe), when you had Brady consult with Antonio on how to beat this thing, there is a bit of humor, which was awesome. And another instance was when Brady ended up getting hurt and “died” in The Beanery. I had been looking for that, but I feel you put that in exactly the right place. Overall, these moments make the script feel much more complete, and it shows that you have actually thought it through not only as the writer, but as an audience member, which is very important for a mystery/suspense story.
• The plot you have is, I’m sure you know, not entirely original. Well, the premise anyway, with films like Déjà vu, and Source Code out now, where people are given the chance to go back in time to save others. But I also find that you make reference to such films, like Brady saying he had a “vision,” as if he were part of the cast in Final Destination. Well done for creating your own storyline and implementing your own ways to solving this thing.

Negatives (things to consider, really):
• You have plenty of blue herons (I think that is the term) that throw off the reader, which is great. There’s only one I have a problem with, which is Cooper. At first, when he speaks of his deposition, I instantly thought, well before I discovered a bomb was going to go off, he was going to be the main villain of the story, as Brady makes mention to Antonio about his ex-girlfriend dating a lawyer who is very rich. Whether or not this was intended, it never is explained in full.
• The girlfriend. The argument can be made that by the end of our story Brady is fully ready to move on because he has spent so much time in this microcosm, and has learned things about himself he didn’t know otherwise, which would lead him to go for Monica. Yet, like Cooper, I feel the girlfriend from the beginning kind of gets left behind. And in many ways this makes sense—why would she be at The Beanery at any time, right? But I think that the audience would want to have it explained a little more and maybe have Brady revert back to, not really a memory, but maybe a tiny monologue referencing his ex.
• The entire time I was looking for a purpose behind this “game,” wanted some kind of “higher power” to be behind it all and putting Brady to the test for whatever reason. Maybe that’s a notion I’ve received from previous films, but for Brady, a broken-hearted high school math teacher to be put to the test like this seems very random to me. Don’t get me wrong, the script works very well as it is and I fully enjoyed it, but I didn’t get why he was put in this situation and not someone else. And I didn’t really understand why Brady passed out all the time. But maybe I’m not, maybe that’s the point.
• The last thing is very minor actually, and more of a preference of mine. For me, who has seen many movies do the same thing, it kind of puts me off to read/see someone get punched in the face once and get knocked out. Granted, you say with some of them that they hit their head on the ground or on an object, which MAY lead to unconsciousness. However, with me it just makes those scenes “cheesier,” I guess, where I picture a bonking sound effect. Similarly, and I may be wrong, in the end when Monica tasers Henry while Brady is grappling with him, I feel that the electricity would pass through to Brady. Like I said, I may be wrong, and I haven’t done any research, but it’s just something to consider.

My complaints may look long, but like I said, I really enjoyed the script and thought it was very crisp and well done. Awesome job!

Overall, I thought the script was great, the premise was great, the characters were managed well; a very likable idea. I am very surprised there hasn't been a movie made about this yet, and feel it is a subject that should be touched on, considering how often it happens and to whom. There were only a few issues I had with the story.

The first thing I noticed was how closely some of the dialogue resembled other films or TV shows I've seen. For example, your scene where Jason goes to jail seems like it was taken straight out of "The Usual Suspects" where Stephen Baldwin takes the questioning lightly and makes fun of the lines they have to say. The second time I saw this was when Kenny died. Now I don't know if it was intentional or not but Hooker 1 and Hooker 2 combined their dialogue to make it sound like Kyle and Stan from South Park where they say "Oh my god, they killed Kenny. You bastards!" I just wanted to bring this to your attention because the other reviews I read hadn't touched on this yet.

The second thing could just be a personal thing for me. I am completely unfamiliar with Tai Chi, and thought of it as only a form of a stretching exercise. So either I need to read up on my Tai Chi, or because of it, Jason automatically is a badass in hand-to-hand combat. It just was hard to believe for me as someone who doesn't know anything about it.

Another thing regarding the fight sequences is the samurai sword scene between Randy and Jason-- to me it felt like a 70s kung-fu movie when Randy laughs uncontrollably after he had gotten Jason to the ground. It just doesn't fit with the rest of the movie for me. I read it as a really serious story where the theme is that it can happen to anybody, yet not everybody can kick everyone's ass.

Like I saw with some other reviews, I would like to see more involvement between Jason and his three love interests. Also, I would like to see more of Betty and more of her role in the story.
I know I commented on a lot of things I would enjoy seeing revised, but overall, it was a great script. I apologize that I read this version instead of Version #2, so I should probably check that out... maybe you have already addressed some of the things I have talked about. But keep it up, good job!

Overall, I think the script works as it is, especially for a made-for-TV movie, but if you want it to be anything more, I think you need to work on a couple of things.

First off, I think the premise is great because it brings a new spin on the romantic-comedy where you are allowed to let the girl live out her princess-like dreams because she is in fact a princess.
The story structure resembles the very basic formula that works for the genre, but I couldn't help looking for something unique within the script that set it apart from other romantic-comedies I have seen. I kept waiting for something to happen that disrupted the typical storyline, but was disappointed that it ended in the usual cliche.

Your characters are fairly well written, and possess a lot of potential to do something more with them. I found them to be kind of vague, without anything defining them other than their professions (except Emma's paintings). I wanted to know more about her father, wanted to see her more in action at the park. I wanted to see more of Jake's charm and wit that was so different from his cocky start. As it is, there isn't much drawing these two together other than their obvious attractiveness.

I think there needs to be more dialogue between Jake and Emma that justifies his decision to leave the show. I personally don't believe that only a photoshopped picture on the set would bring him to his senses, but maybe a painting that resembles her previous works. Other than that, I think the dialogue is well-done, save for a few spots where there are typos and formatting issues.

The emotion works for the most part, but I think there needs to be more of it. As it is, Emma and Jake are kind of dry characters that don't necessarily seem worthy of my time. Nonetheless, if you give them more attention and make their emotions unique to their character rather than cliched, I think you have a better script here.

Going off of that, I think the best advice I can give you is to add more... everywhere. And when I say that, I don't think that there needs to be additional scenes, but just more details and nuances sprinkled in throughout. Your story structure works for a romantic-comedy, but it just feels too rushed. Sounds weird to say because so many screenplays are bogged down by unnecessary details, but I think you need to bog it down more and make it worthwhile. Overall, good job, look forward to your revisions!