F.Hashi (London)

It is very clear from the language used and the precise descriptions used that the author has put in a lot work to the concept and knows what he is talking about. The work is well edited and has almost no language problems, it reads very smoothly. It’s a good concept well worth a serious development.

Concerns
Now I have to admit that I only read the first 10 pages. The story did give me a sense of great adventure. However for a while it read like an isolated read there is little context provided in the first ten pages, what age are we in? What sort of technological environment are we in?, what kind’s world realities surround us? Who are the enemies and how strong are they compared to the heroes?. Perhaps these questions will be answered as the story progresses but I really think it’s very important that those things are strongly hinted at in the first few pages. I know that secrecy and mysteries are important elements in this type of plot but it should not be at the expense of providing intrigue. To make the reader want to know what is going to happen next; the readers must have a context otherwise, they cannot think/imagine the possibilities.
The first ten pages must establish a context for the story and explain/justify the hero’s mission. Now I am not saying that there is nothing of context present in the first few pages what I am saying is that I felt there was not enough for maintaining the hope and interest of the readers. Maybe you could start with a little description to set the stage or you could reveal this through the dialogue, the background stuff does not have to be included in any subsequent motion pictures but it must be part of the script to help the readers.

Other than that subjective opinion, I think it is a great premise.

It’s a good classic story. At the beginning, it reads like a novel, It begins with 2 man in the middle of the ocean on a raft, then we get a flashback which develops the story back through that first scene!
So maybe more can be done at the beginning, maybe start with the university life and move forward. The story is littered with flashbacks, maybe it’s a good thing but I think that the best way to tell a story is the linear fashion, so that we don’t know what is going to happen until they happen.

Though most of the dialogue tasted natural, some parts seemed a little out of touch with the situation. Like when the 2 lead characters are talking about whether one of them could be a great dad or not, 24 hours into their survival mode, with no food, drinks or sleep I would image they would be talking about something else and not kids/future, it’s just my opinion. maybe its was time to talk about survival and later on when they were losing hope they could have all those other conversations about kids, family and regrets.
Some creative dialogues:
“He grabs him by the shoulder and rattles him like a broken
vending machine.”

and

“He knows that the person in front of him
isn't really his friend, but, as long as he can imagine, he will still be there.”

I also think that we should know little more about Jim’s fiancé Lisa, so maybe the story could start with that.
About the theme, it’s clear but I didn’t feel that the lead character or the survivor of the disaster learned a lesson, transformed or would help transform the viewers. Why do I say that? Because I know that stories are told for a purpose and even though the purpose is clear we still want that purpose of the story to be reflected in the character, actions or the words of the lead actors so they can show us how to change and deal with difficulties. The point is if you are going to tell a story with a sad ending like the this one, the benefits that I would imagine for watching this movie would be the lessons learned and the transformation. If it were a story with a good ending, the benefits would be the techniques that were acquired to deal with the types of challenges that are presented in the story which led to the good ending. So ,always there has to be some benefit in telling the story, some lessons learned or a kind transformation. This story has all the potential to do that but I just didn’t feel that it was there, it read well, but I am not sure which lesson I have most learned after reading it.
There were few but some minor grammatical errors and that is universal I guess for all the scripts.
It is a classic story, with a classic plot and there are many movies that have a similar line to it. So I am not sure if those studios will get excited about it.


Over all i would say that it was a very interesting story that can be developed into a decent movie if it gets the chance.
The format that Amazon asked for is 12, CourierNew and you got 11.5 so you might want to change that since it can effect the page numbers.

Cheers

F.Hashi