Charis D Collins (CheeseandBeerLand)

This script sucked me in very quickly and read faster than anything else I've seen so far on this site. It pulsed with life and impulsion. Dialogue-heavy, it felt more like a stage play, but in a good way. The dialogue rang true. The sisters Pam and Polly were wonderful characters - the best in the script.

That said, I figured out the murderer/premise at page 60. I think it's a great idea, and a fun format, but with no real backstory on many of these characters besides the immediacy of their dialogue it was hard to care about them (Pam and Polly excepted). I could see it as a Law & Order episode or CSI - something along that line.

Nice work. You could teach me a little something about pacing, which is one of my greatest weaknesses.

Richard, I had a LOT of fun reading this script. It reads with ease, and I can tell you're a novelist, because your descriptions put me right in the action. Making a screenplay fun to read is a challenge, because they're not MEANT to be read, they're meant to be SEEN, but I blasted right through this one, really curious as to how it would end. It felt totally original, yet comfortingly familiar, which is a hard balance to achieve.

Generally I thought your characters were good - My one beef was with Teddy. He needed some pumping up if he was going to be a worthy of Naomi's affections. She's totally badass and needs a partner with more depth. I wasn't too crazy about their bedroom scene (the "doable" line just didn't work for me, but I think it may have if I'd had more to go on with Teddy).

I loved the push-pull between Asterius and Naomi. You did a great job with that. One technical note: the way it came up for me, (no page numbers - I'll do the best I can) in the section when Naomi is first having her fantasy about Arterius toward the beginning, her dialogue runs into the action, so the action sequences show as dialogue. Maybe just a glitch to fix. Here's a chunk of it:

Naomi (CONT'D)
(softly, reflective)
God, how you must have suffered.
(beat)
Is man without love... a beast?
As though suddenly answering her, the light's beam against the irregular, glistening stone gives the appearance of a living, breathing bull-beast.
The light reflects off the creature's lusting eyes, illuminating violent anger.

Anyway, that's a minor fix.

I loved the villains, and their demise was pitch-perfect. Great scene-setting.

All in all, I could "see" this as I read it, which is exactly how a good screenplay should read. This would be tons of fun on a big screen.

Neal, I'm laughing now because I think we'll have to just admit that we're incompatible in relation to reading each other's scripts. I'm struggling with yours as well, and feel it will be fairly inaccessible to the public at large, but obviously our respective genres couldn't be much more different. Viva la difference and good luck to you.

Overall I enjoyed this read - reminded me of THE HURT LOCKER and all of the tension built there. The structure is good but I could have used more detail about these characters. I feel like thrillers tend to gloss over what it is that make their heroes human, and even some little asides here and there would help differentiate one guy cop from another. What is Francesca's apartment like? Who is she? Is she lonely? Is she happy on her own? What is the rest of her life like? We've got to care about her as an individual so the stakes will be higher. Think about THE HURT LOCKER and what we knew and understood about that main character, and why we got drawn in. His relationship with the young boy was key for me, and that was unrelated to the "main" plot in some ways. But it was vital to showing his humanity, which is what separates a plain old action movie from an Oscar winner.

Great opening with the kids and the bus. You had me sucked in right away.

The dialogue with her father about why he didn't want her to join the force seemed to be telling too much - I think this could be shown with more subtle gestures in their relationship.

The partner/buddy dying in the middle is a bit of a cliche. I can see where you're going with it, but that particular plot device doesn't feel like a surprise anymore. I'm not sure how you can solve this problem, but it definitely felt familiar.

I think there should be more of a tagline that Francesca recognizes when she's talking to Jesse - the "talent" thing is a bit vague, and I think he should say something punchier, or in a specific way, that would be a bridge to her understanding.

Why did she guess the Willis Tower (other than that it's the largest)? That seemed random. I think there should be a specific place he puts that last giant bomb for a very specific reason. I think Jesse's motivations and past and reasons for his behavior should be spelled out more clearly so we get exactly why he became a psychopath bomber.

I think if you're able to focus on making this thriller stand out in clear ways from others, it will feel more successful. And for me that's in mining characters and motivation specific to this film. Lots of potential here!