K Larsson (California)

Hi Matthew,

I posted this over at ScriptShadow, but as I'm a member of Amazon Studios, I figured I would post it here as well, even if some of it only makes sense in context of the ScriptShadow community.

Congratulations on a great script.

Karl
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IMHO of course, but if scripts were bands, then 'The Disciple Program' would be U2: Slick and popular. Mainstream as it gets. Kinda corporate. Their music does everything you expect of it and exactly when you expect it. Some would say they are dull and soulless. Never any surprises. Always ripping off better bands. But you have to agree they have some classic songs in their repertoire. Bottom line though is they make a lot of people happy and make a shit load of money in the process.

'Origin of a Species' on the other hand would be 'Sigur Rós'. Defiantly weird. Happy to do their own thing. Never an attempt to sellout with a guest rap by Kanye (note to self: check Kanye's never rapped on a Sigur Rós track). Obscure for a long time, people begin to catch on, and they quietly become a pretty big band, soundtracking movies and ads everywhere. Oh... And they sing songs in a made up language.

Based on their track record with 'Ben Franklin' and 'Zombies vs Gladiators', I'm amazed - and very pleasantly surprised - that Amazon handed Matthew a $100,000 check for this - the 'Ágætis byrjun' of scripts.

Though the writing in 'The Disciple Program' grabbed you by the balls in a way 'Origin of a Species' can't match, I think this might just stick with me longer. It had that element of 'heart' I thought was missing in 'Disciple'.

That's not to say it's perfect, but it has this very weird, off-kilter charm I really liked, and in all honesty, the scene with Bonnie being confronted by Terry and the headmaster was as tense as anything in 'The Disciple Program' - and funnier.

With that said, if I was producing this, I would ask Matthew to look at these things:

Jim is a very passive character. He doesn't do much, even as he suspects his wife of an affair. He kinds of shuffles through the story, letting life happen. You can almost sympathize with Bonnie running off with someone younger and more dynamic. Though the two stories eventually collide, I'd like to see Jim taking a more active role in investigating his wife's possible infidelity. Add some tension as Bonnie and Dan get close to being caught (by Jim). Maybe have Bonnie persuade Dan to kill Jim - shades of 'Body Heat' - with rabid dogs.

I liked the ending a lot, but in all honesty, it's odd. That's a good thing in my book, but I also like the idea of Jim - crushed by his wife's unfaithfulness - faced with the choice of rescuing her and her lover from the dogs, or letting them die. It's one of those rock and a hard place choices Carson has championed before. Do the right thing and save them, or use this 'get out of jail free' opportunity to let them die. Could he do it? Does he want to? Does he still love his wife? Would he get away with it anyway? There's some juicy drama to be mined there.

This also feels very much like a Coen Brother's film, but without the humor. Larry the neighbor, Terry the evangelical, Bonnie the harlot, Dan the dumb, randy teen - these are all borderline caricatures, and what the Coens do is embrace that, pushing the outrageousness of their characters just that little bit further, until we see the humor. Their 'A Serious Man' mirrors 'Origins' in many ways, with a sad sack hero at its center. The difference is Gopnick tries to do something about all his troubles. And it's funny. I would like to see the black humor amped up here.

Finally, I think the dogs' killing spree starts a touch too late. I was getting a little itchy for something to happen during the scenes with Larry and the fence. There also seems to be a hint of the supernatural at times with the dogs, but it never quite plays out. The Darwinian links suggest the dogs might be evolving, but at other times, they are just plain old rabid dogs.

It seems from a marketing point of view, the bigger and scarier the dogs, the better. Make them intelligent. Payoff their police training somehow. Go full Cujo.

Overall though, I really enjoyed this, and would rate it a strong [x] worth a read. I'd love to see Amazon Studios risk some money on this, instead of some of the bigger budgeted projects they seem so keen on. Keep the budget low, make it scarier and push the black humor and this has cult hit written all over it - just like Sigur Rós'.

Hi Dan,

I see you've uploaded a couple of new drafts since I read this, so these comments may be out of date now, but hopefully they will be of use.

I gave this one a read because I liked the logline, with its echos of Frankenstein. Loglines are like a promise to the reader, and in truth, I don't think you actually delivered on your promise, as your story veered too far away from the logline at times, switching themes and moods at will.

With that said, I think there were some strong elements here. I like the idea of a fairy tale in the modern world, although shows like 'Grimm' and 'Once Upon a Time' may have stolen a lot of your thunder. There was also a moment where you suggest that Pritchard sacrificed the baby, and it occurred to me that a modern day world where people still feel the need to appease the gods is a really interesting concept.

Let me offer you some constructive criticism though, on the understanding that I am just a fellow amateur, so these are all just IMHO:

Your first sentence raised alarm bells:

"Snowflakes tendril across a dark sky…'

I'm a reasonably bright, reasonably well read guy, but I have no idea what image you were trying to paint.

I looked 'Tendril' up:

1. A twisting, threadlike structure by which a twining plant, such as a grape or cucumber, grasps an object or a plant for support.

2. Something, such as a ringlet of hair, that is long, slender, and curling.

Neither of those describe snowflakes, and you've ended up confusing your reader.

The aim of a screenplay is to get your story across simply, evocatively and with precision - you don't want to leave any doubt as to what you mean. In this case, a simple "Snowflakes fall across a dark sky…" is perfectly acceptable.

Here's another example from page 2:

"Roxi takes a solid first step ... and then another ... and another ... and then trolleys into Miles’ arms."

"Trolleys" is defined as "to convey (passengers) or travel by trolley", so again, it's unclear what you mean. Stumble? Fall? Run?

I won't detail any more, but you did have a tendency to overwrite, to the point of distraction. Keep it simple.

Story wise, my biggest concern is that your characters goals were ill-defined. Your logline actually has a very strong goal for Roxi: protect Thule from the community bent on his destruction. That's good stuff, but as written, it didn't drive your story. When I think about it, I don't even remember Roxi ever really protected Thule. Roxi needs to be given a strong goal, and we need to understand what the consequences are if she fails. You already have it in the logline - you just need to get it down on paper as well.

Similarly, Pritchard's motivations are weak and vague. Think how much more dynamic it would be if he knew, or discovered early on, that Thule was his brother, and was desperately trying to persuade the village to destroy the 'monster', purely to cover his murderous tracks. His goal is to destroy the monster, yet standing in the way is his adopted daughter - the daughter of the man he murdered. That's full of dramatic irony and tension. He was a little cartoonishly bad at times though, like an evil step sister in a fairy tale - that weakens your 'godzded' twist somewhat.

Even Thule can have a goal: protect Roxi from Pritchard, and reveal the truth. He had some other issues as well: You never really described him, so I didn't know what to picture. You also start by suggesting he is mother nature's punishment for our treatment of Earth, setting this up as an environmental cautionary tale. The snows in August were a powerful image, but you soon discard that angle, pretty much stating outright that Thule is Miles by introducing the old Volvo. Any doubts were removed with the dialogue "Not just any car. A Volvo S60, 2.3 Liter, Turbo, 247 horse power." That's no way for a mysterious forest creature to talk :-)

You mention that Miles' headstone reads "…an incredible gift to forgive". Again, forgiveness is one of those visceral emotions that can make a story really pop, but you don't get that down on paper. As written, this isn't a story of forgiveness, yet having Miles forgive his brother would be incredibly powerful.

I think the main problem is you have too many ideas going on. You need to narrow the focus (lose the weather changes?), simplifying and clarifying what everyone wants, what happens if they fail, and who's going to make them fail. As I mentioned at the top, your logline is good - it's pretty much Frankenstein, so you're treading in the footsteps of giants - just make sure every choice you make fits with your logline.

best of luck with it.

Karl

Hi Manuel and T.N.,

This was a somewhat familiar tale, enlivened by a couple of strong scenes, but also marred by some fairly exploitative material.

I thought the scene with Kerry's father following him into the bar, unaware that he was an undercover cop, was exceptional. Tense and suspenseful, this was your screenplay at its best. It's also a strong, if familiar, setup, though the whole idea that his father thought he was a drug addict rang false. I may be wrong, but my guess is that family members know full well that people are undercover - they just can't talk about it.

The scene with Kerry getting rid of the girl he just slept with was also odd. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. It establishes that Kerry's a douchebag for sure, but we never explore that side of his character again. He's more of a damaged knight in shining armor.

We then get to the very awkward scene where Tyrone explains even his fantasies don't cross the magic 18 year old line. I was wondering what this was all about, but to your credit you do pay it off later. However, it feels very forced, and in all honesty I don't think your payoff justifies its inclusion.

You're dealing with a very tricky subject matter, so when you include a scene with a villain about to rape a kid, you need to be careful. Unfortunately, I think you mishandled it. Your story isn't about pedophilia, innocence robbed or exploitation - child abuse doesn't personally tie into Kerry or Bianca's backstory - so you're really just putting it in there to get a reaction, which is a dangerous game: that comes very close to pure exploitation.

You make matters worse by having Tyrone rape Bulgari as punishment. I realize Bulgari suffers an even worse fate eventually, but to suggest rape as a punishment for rape is a little reckless. On top of that, it was a dumb move by Kerry. Why not tie Bulgari up and leave an anonymous tip with the police? No loose ends that way.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying Bulgari can't be a child molester, but I think you need to somehow tie that into your overall theme if you're going to go down that route.

Another issue I had is that it's Miguel, not Garcia that kills Kerry's Dad. That's not personal enough. Your logline says Garcia is the kingpin drug dealer who has made Kerry's life a waking nightmare, but that's not really in your script. Do they even meet till the climax?

I did like your twist with Jimmy, but in hindsight, it made no difference to your story. It seems that Jimmy should somehow have been involved Kerry's Father's death, and should perhaps have been close on Kerry's heel, trying to conceal his own involvement.

You guys can definitely write, and as I noted above, the scene with the father's death was great, but the rest of the tale follows a somewhat predictable path, even with all the seediness. Kerry and Bianca bounce from location to location, finding out their next destination till they eventually find Garcia, and that's kind of it.

But I had a glimpse of what it could have been on page 37, when you killed Bianca. I was impressed. You pulled the rug out from under me, and I was excited. This story could go anywhere.

Then on page 38 we discover she was wearing a bullet proof vest. Shame.

In reading back, this seems a like a harsh review, but I want you to know I enjoyed reading it. You even made me genuinely laugh a couple of times in the last pages (the beach house gag, plus Orvil). It just doesn't do anything different enough to rise above the tawdriness at present.

Hope that helps. I look forward to seeing it develop.

Karl

Hi Jonathan,

I'm new to Amazon Studios, and my plan was review some of the projects that hadn't gained any traction. See if I could uncover some gems. I stumbled on yours, and it appealed, so I dove in only to realize that I was reading an old draft, and your project as a whole had seen a fair bit of action, and even been nominated for awards. Congratulations!

I now understand how AS works a little better, and your story had grabbed me enough for me to ditch the draft I was reading (6th I believe) and start again with your ninth.

You have a clean style, with very few, if any grammatical errors. Your story shows a lot of imagination, and more importantly, ambition, something that should be applauded and encouraged. I liked the Garden of Eden twist, and I think you crafted some funny banter, although as other reviewers have noted, it was largely inappropriate!

Let me now offer you some constructive criticism, though bear in mind I am a fellow amateur, so you can discard as much or little as you like.

> Structure and Story

Let me start with the biggie: you are starting your story way too early. The scenes on the mining planet and with the insurgents are irrelevant. They make no difference to your story. I don't think anyone would question why there is no co-pilot, but his absence is already covered by your dialogue on page 38:

VANCE
We had a co-pilot. He was detained on Teravaka.

SAM
Detained?

GARTH
It's a long story. You'll have to buy the book when it comes out.

That's all you need, if anything. We don't even need the scenes of the insurgency. If this were me, I would open with them waking up, finding Spaulding dead and discovering Sam as a stowaway. That's your inciting incident.

That then sets up a mystery you can use to drive the story forward to it's new act one turning point - crashing on the planet. I would also try to come up with a stronger reason for Sam wanting to stay with her father's body - something that directly affects the insurgency, so that the Arcadians are now in pursuit of them. Perhaps she smuggled some secret plans out inside his corpse?

That might also help solve another issue I had: I didn't like that the red 'God' entered their ship and forced them off track. I think Vance and Garth need to do something deliberate that leads to them crashing on the planet - it needs to be their decision, perhaps as a result of a character flaw.

Having the Arcadians in hot pursuit gives you options there, plus gives you more potential 'story' to cover the thirty pages you lost by starting with them waking up onboard :-)

I like the idea of these competing green and red 'gods', but they felt a little passive. Vance got a pretty raw deal just for staying on board the ship - 'he chose to stay' - but someone had to. It's hardly a sin. You're dealing with gods here, so you need to up the moral dilemmas, putting your three characters into impossible situations, where choosing evil seems appealing. You clearly like Vance and Garth, but you need to punish them - push them to breaking point. I've been in the same boat myself. It's hard, but they need to suffer!

> Dialogue and Exposition

I went back over some of the other reviews, and a common complaint is that your characters banter and flirt in the most inappropriate places, and that's still a big issue with this draft. The Captain's dead and the ship is about to crash, and they are flirting? Bad idea.

Sam is taken over by a god, and when she comes to and asks what happened, Garth replies "You don't want to know", and "I'll explain when we back to the ship." None of that rings true, and undermines the credibility of your story.

I realize you wanted to make them warm and likable, but it needs to be in context. Some of your dialogue felt like it came from a rom-com, not an ambitious sci-fi horror.

To your credit, you do write some funny dialogue, so you could probably throw some gallows humor in, but I think you definitely need to re-evaluate the tone in places.

Another thing I noticed is that Vance is Mr. Exposition. He asks a lot of questions, giving Garth a chance to reveal some backstory or exposition:

VANCE
So what's the deal?

GARTH
The planet is fairly small in diameter. The outer atmosphere is mostly a helium/hydrogen mix and cools rapidly within 30 klicks of the planet surface. Should be safe to pass through it.

VANCE gestures toward one of the monitors.

VANCE
What's this gibberish here?

GARTH
The probe assigns a coordinate system to unknown planets. For some reason, it's isolated this set of coordinates, maybe for landing. Could be just another glitch.

That feels very clumsy, and in reality, most, if not all of that exposition is unnecessary to your story.

> Writing Style

You have a habit of trying to do the director and editor's job for them. You need to lose all the references to cameras, close-ups, dissolves and "we see's" which take us out of the story you are trying to tell.

Similarly, you have various scenes of the ship flying through space. This again is someone else's job: the editor in this case. It's okay to do it once, but unless something is happening that directly affects the story, we don't need that scene again. In fact, any scene that doesn't move the story forward needs to go.

You also make reference to made up things like 'Omnipotent POV' and 'Time Compression Sequence'… I figured out what you meant, but it feels amateurish. You need to use your action lines to describe what you mean - not invent new technical terms.

Finally, you over-describe at times:

INT. THE GALLEY.

The crew is seated at a round table, drinking hot beverages. A tray lies in the center of the table with remnants of food on it. Various kitchen appliances are situated in the background.

All we need is that first sentence. The rest of it has no effect on your story.

> Recommendations

Your story reminded me of some other things I'd read and seen. In particular I would urge you to find a copy of 'Passengers' by Jon Spaihts, one of the best unproduced screenplays I've ever read:

"A spacecraft transporting thousands of people to a distant planet has a malfunction in one of its sleep chambers. As a result, a single passenger is awakened 90 years before anyone else. Faced with the prospect of growing old and dying alone, he wakes up a second passenger that he's fallen in love with."

If you haven't read them, I would also recommend the 'Rendezvous with Rama' series of books by Arthur C Clarke, about some humans exploring a vast, abandoned spaceship, plus his short story 'Breaking Strain': two men survive a crash, but their spaceship only has enough oxygen for one of them to last till they are picked up.

Finally, I'm assuming you've seen it, but 'Event Horizon' has some similarities to your story.

> Conclusion

I've given you a lot to chew on here, and I as mentioned at the beginning, I'm just a fellow amateur offering an opinion, but I think there is some good stuff in here worth pursuing. I think the key is to figure out your theme, and then make sure everything else hangs off that. Tonally, you're a little all over the place at the moment, so you need to focus in on what exactly you are trying to say with this story, and then discard anything that doesn't support that. There is some definite skill and imagination on display, so I look forward to seeing this project develop.

Best of luck,

Karl

Hi Michael,

This was a fun read, with a solid commercial premise at its heart. Ronnie is a likable hero, and the tone is refreshingly family friendly. I rarely have a chance to read screenplays in one sitting, so the biggest compliment I can pay you is that I was excited to come back to your script.

With that said, let me offer you some constructive criticism on areas I think could be strengthened. These are all 'IMHO', from a fellow amateur, so don't take them as gospel!

> Technical Issues

1. You give sounds their own pseudo sluglines. These should really be integrated into the action.

2. You sometimes repeat info unnecessarily, for example:

"Tidus raises a sword in the air, while the knights behind him do the same and cheer. Tidus and his knights engage the others in combat."

The second 'Tidus and his knights' could easily be replaced by 'They'.

3. Camera movies shouldn't really be described - you are doing the director's job. The trick is to suggest shots via the description.

"The camera moves, following a trail, through forests, fields, and other lush scenery until it arrives at a large CASTLE, in the middle of a large green field."

could become

"A trail winds its way through lush fields and forests. Over deep valleys and rolling hills. At its end, a fairytale castle.

4. Try to avoid overusing names in dialogue - it doesn't feel natural:

RONNIE
Forget about it, Elliot.

ELLIOT
Silence, Ronnie.

Arnold lets out a big sigh.

ARNOLD
What, Elliot?

5. You have some brutally long action paragraphs, including one on page 74 that runs a whopping 24 lines. The rule of thumb as I understand it is no paragraph longer than three lines. I think you're over-describing the action, trying to choreograph every punch, and my guess is most readers will begin to skim.

> Structure

I'm not sure you've quite nailed the structure of your story yet. To borrow one of Blake Snyder's useful descriptions, this feels like it should be a 'Golden Fleece' type film, along the lines of The Wizard of Oz, or Lord of the Rings: a group of friends on a quest for a prize (saving the princess).

But, you end up skimping on the quest aspects. First, they need to find the magical Seeking Stone, but Markas knows exactly where it is. They are at the warehouse the very next scene. Then the stone reveals where Nerina is, and again, the very next scene they have found her.

To me, this story should be about the magical land of Evermore bleeding over into modern day Chicago, with Ronnie and his rag tag band of brothers on a quest to find the princess.

Keeping with Blake Synder, Ronnie walking away from the game on page 34 should be your 'theme stated.' Markas recruiting Ronnie (pg 40) should be your inciting incident. The friends wearing their costumes, ready to help Ronnie (pg 67) should be your act one turning point.

You then have the whole of iconic Chicago as your 'Oz'. Instead of the Seeking Stone being hidden in a nondescript warehouse, think Sears Tower, Buckingham Fountain or Wrigley Field. Look at what Ghostbusters and The Fisher King did with New York.

I would also suggest shortening the opening battle scenes, which give a lot of backstory, not all of it necessary. The flashback to Chicago 60 years ago was also extraneous.

> Characters

As I mentioned earlier, I liked Ronnie. I think his flaw is that he doesn't believe in games anymore, so the irony is that the game becomes real.

My problem with the rest of the gang is that they were hard to tell apart. I liked the running gags with phoning the mom, and going for a pee, but I think you need to work a little harder on giving each of them an arc - give each of them a hero moment, that ties directly in with the flaw they have overcome with their arc.

I'm also wondering if Michelle and Nerina could be combined, giving Ronnie a single romantic goal, like a classic fairy tale. Perhaps Nerina/Michelle has been hiding out in Chicago all that time, working in a book store?

I liked the twist with Markas, but it feels like it might invalidate some of what went before. I'm not sure Uthudor's plan made sense in light of that revelation.

Overall, there was a lot to like in this, and I think the central concept is rock solid. I just think the journey… the quest… needs to be your focus, not the big fight scenes, which can be repetitive.

Best of luck with it.

Karl