Ben Jacob

I like reading Zombie stories so I took an interest in your premise. If you would like something more detailed let me know. These are just a couple of notes and questions I jotted down as I read your script...

There were too many characters to keep track of. Once I figured out who was who, they were killed.

Where did they get the bodies for Zombie Park?

Why would Amanda and Clay reveal such a taboo relationship to strangers?

Why didn’t you include an explanation of the reanimation process?
The first Zombie isn’t seen until page 36 I believe. Feels way too long without any real action. Maybe if Dr. Fibes explained the reanimation process it would’ve bought you more time to build on your character development.

The Mcallister brothers spent a boat load of money on creating this “theme park.” Don’t you think they would not leave anything to chance? Wouldn’t they make sure every member was inoculated before entering the park?

After the first attack, one of the characters is scratched or bitten. Don’t you think it makes sense for them to get medical attention?

I’m on page 65 and I still don’t understand Luthor’s reasoning in why he wanted to go to this park with Amanda and Clay. Did I miss something?

On page 75 or so Doyle and Zoya fight. This scene was way forced and it was just another way to have the Zombies sneak up on them. It needs to happen more natural.

Overall it was a quick read. I understand this is a first draft but there are plenty of holes to be plugged. You can write a gooey cheesy zombie flick but it still has to follow some form of logic. You have a couple of game developers (Mcallister brothers) who found the secret of raising the dead. Making a theme park of the undead just doesnt click.

You have a taboo relationship in Amanda and Clay. The billionaire uncle Luthor who at first looked like he was going to lead some sick and twisted game against these two but it turned out he was stuck with everyone else in this mess.

You have a bunch of other characters who I as the audience didn't care if they lived or died. They weren't real. Buster kept getting the shit end of the stick which was kinda funny(not sure if that was the intent).

I do like that you were trying something new to the Zombie genre. Good luck with the rewrite and your future works!

Zombies will always rate 5 stars with me. The whole idea of getting through a world of survival horror is just so cool. I believe most horror fans agree and shows why a series like the Walking Dead is so popular. You stated that this was a re-imagining of Romero's classic, "Night of the Living Dead", but unfortunately you didn't do much with it.

Much of your dialogue was on the nose. Your characters are paper thin. Basically you start off with Barbra and Johnny at a graveyard. There's some dialogue between the two indicating that Barbra is a loving and caring sister, when the first Zombie attacks, she runs away and sort of abandons her brother. I believe she takes it on Ben's word that he's dead. She doesn't mention him or shows any kind of emotion that she lost her brother for another 20 pages. When she does, the conversation with Ben is way too cliche and unemotional.

There are plenty of other examples but I'll stop there. Writing a Zombie movie is a lot tougher to do now a days because it's all been done before. the virus hits..mass hysteria...small group of survivors...they try to figure out whats happening...figure out how to kill them...devise a plan for escape. Basically you used Romero's scenario and put your survivors in a house. That would have been fine if there was more group conflict.

In the middle of a Zombie apocalypse, Ben asks Barbra if she's seen a couple of bank robbers. He just had to blow someone's head off. The whole world is going to shit. the dead are walking the earth. I don't think anyone would concern themselves with bank robbers. This is what I mean about exposition. Introduce the fact that he was in pursuit of theses bad guys without Ben actually saying so. Maybe instead of the first boring graveyard scene, it starts off with a pursuit. Cars get smashed up and now they're on foot. Ben is calling for backup but all he gets is static on the radio. Foot pursuit leads to Barbra and Johnny in the graveyard. He loses the suspects because he had to help Barbra. Now they sort of begin to figure out what's going on. Now we know there's bad guys on the loose. We know they're in close proximity. We know that there's no help coming because the radios are dead or have static. And we did all this with an exciting sequence instead of through boring dialogue.

That was just an example from the top of my head. I was just trying to explain my point. I'm sure you will come up with something better.

It was a quick and easy read. Good luck with this and future works. Thanks for sharing.

Here are some notes I took as I read your script...

There were only a few typos but nothing to distract from your story.

I would cut the first fifteen pages of the prison riot. You introduce a couple of characters only to kill them off in the next page or two. If that's what you want then just give them a name like GUARD 1 or something. With too many names we lose track of who is who.

On page 15 Inmate Roy has some dialogue but its kinda out of place. I would wait on that until Roy gets to know Spider a bit better. I would imagine inmates are a bit more reserved when first meeting each other.

I do like the scene with the smurfs. Nice touch.

I'm not sure I like the name Spider Valentine. Valentine was the name of a character in one of the Resident Evil video games.

I guess an eclipse is as good a reason as any to bring back the dead. But you waited until page 22 to bring it up. Maybe have a newscaster on the radio talk about this celestial event in the beginning of the movie in the background as the prisoners are being transported to Rainbow Prison?

On page 24 Tyson is shot dead. He instantly transforms into a Zombie. Seems too quick for a transformation.

Now I understand why you had that riot. You needed a large death count to start the Zombie mayhem. But I think it would work better without the riot. Maybe Basil is the only one that dies. One Zombie is enough to cause a Zombie outbreak. MAybe a scene discussing the eclipse and how this certain kind of eclipse happens once every million years or something.

I'm guessing SPider is the "Hero". I don't know why. He has no backstory, no character development, no redeeming qualities that would make us want to root for him. He could be a murderer rapist. Why are the guards so inclined to follow his lead? He repeatedly says he cares for nothing except for Willow and himself.

The dialogue betwen the Warden and Willow is way too clunky. Its over the top expository.

Through the script characters are introduced only to be killed soon after. We as the audience build no connection to them and therefore don't care if they live or die. I would keep the cast at a much lower count and develop the characters. Make us care what happens to them.

There's a couple of times where the characters say "What do we do?" It gets tiresome. Find a more interesting way to show their confusion and panic.

I believe what'd indictaes "what did". You have that contraction sprinkled throughout your script. It doesn't fit.

You're missing a "SUPER" in your script to indicate some time has passed and the group is secure in the prison. The way it reads now doesn't make sense.

If you're going to use Cain as the bad guy, there has to be some relationship between them. Cain is introduced in the beginning of the movie and disappears until very late in the story to kidnap Willow. Maybe keep him around. Show a power struggle between them.

Overall I liked your premise. But then again I'm biased because I do love Zombie flicks. I believe you have to work on your character development. Make Spider more involved. Let us get to know him. Maybe he's not an escape artist. Maybe he was put in a position where he had no choice but to take action. Things went wrong and he ended up in prison. Maybe instead of that 15 page riot scene, you build up tension between Cain and Spider all the while giving hints of what's to come (like the smurfs angle). Maybe the guards have nothing to do with the prison and they flee to be with their families and it becomes a power struggle between the inmates. Keep at it. It was a quick read and thanks for sharing.