Semifinalist: Best Script
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A list of my award-winning works.
Semifinalist: Best Script
(Science Fiction and Fantasy) On the planet Mennok, everyone is given a Neural Companion, a personal A.I. that unifies them with society. An entity on the pl...
My Work at Amazon Studios
Credits in 24 works
Scripts
Reviews I've Written
QUICKSAND, Lisa's 3rd Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
A delightful spiral into darkness
August 04, 2012
Dead Reckoning, Lauri's Original Draft
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Who is the target audience?
August 03, 2012
Very nicely written! I didn't have any problems following along, especially since there's so much going on in this script. So I applaud you for keeping everything in line.
Admittedly, maybe there's a little too much going on? It almost feels like a History Channel reenactment of a historical (or future) event, which isn't a bad thing! But it made me wonder who the target audience of this film would be? We've got a love story, an FAA story, a political story, and a scifi story all wrapped into one.
I appreciate the scope of the story, but it was difficult for me to really latch onto any one thing. I think once its established who this film is targeted at, some of the elements could be paired back, giving more breathing room for other scenes.
Is it more for the older crowd? Then perhaps make the politics and FAA disaster story the core of the script? Maybe even Ben and the President could be the leads?
Is it more for the younger crowd? Then the scifi and love story could be the core?
Of course, this is just a suggestion. Right now, everything seems to be fairly evenly distributed, which had me not getting emotionally attached to any one thing.
As for these elements...
The Love Story: I gotta say I wasn't feeling it. I think this stems from the scene in the hotel room. The one place where David and Sharon should shine. Right now, it's pretty drab. David is so in love with Sharon, but he comes across more as a puppy wanting her attention than an air force pilot. And Sharon obviously has deep feelings for him. It seems to me he should draw some kind of emotional reaction out of her. Anger? Fear? Frustration? Something other than her just blowing him off could really liven their relationship up.
The FAA Story: I like how it's handled. How Ben has to solve all these problems and try to keep a level head about him. My only nitpick would be all the jargon. I can't imagine the research that went into writing this, but I must admit, what some of those guys were saying just flew over my head. I had no idea what they were trying to do exactly, but I figured it would work. Perhaps if there was a way to fit in some layman way to describe their actions?
The Political Story: If the Pakistani plane goes down its world war 3. As the story stands now, this sub plot needs to be stressed harder. Like, the President standing to her feet demanding that plane land safely. Like, Ben sweating his position because he's gonna have to make that plane a priority, which could mean the lives of other innocent people. Something to ramp up the tension. Right now, no one seems all too concerned. And even in that one scene with Ben on the phone with Sharon, he seemed rather stoic. I mean, if the killer satellite doesn't get us, world war 3 will!
The Scifi Story: My first nitpick is how a bunch of characters are all introduced in one great lump sum. This is the only part that made my brain hurt a little. I had to struggle to keep track of who was who. Maybe if there was some interaction with the individuals? Maybe they do something, say something...something to give the reader to chew on and let the character sink in, before moving to the next.
My second nitpick is that no great great sacrifices were made. The one death was an accident? Everyone else lives. It's kinda blah. There's great bits of action, well written and easy to follow, but not once did I feel the true pangs of desperation. Even at the end, where they just decide to sit and wait for death. And the scene with Canadarm wrestling. Scenes like that, especially in space, should get my heart racing, but things are resolved fairly easy. The more tension the better. And in my humble opinion, someone, maybe even two or three people, should die saving the day. But, that's just my opinion. I'm just like that.
All in all, I enjoyed the elements of the story, but as it stands now, too much of a good thing might be distracting the core of the story. Finding a focus might flesh out certain elements and give the story greater impact.
It is of course just the opinion of one guy, so take from it what you will.
Admittedly, maybe there's a little too much going on? It almost feels like a History Channel reenactment of a historical (or future) event, which isn't a bad thing! But it made me wonder who the target audience of this film would be? We've got a love story, an FAA story, a political story, and a scifi story all wrapped into one.
I appreciate the scope of the story, but it was difficult for me to really latch onto any one thing. I think once its established who this film is targeted at, some of the elements could be paired back, giving more breathing room for other scenes.
Is it more for the older crowd? Then perhaps make the politics and FAA disaster story the core of the script? Maybe even Ben and the President could be the leads?
Is it more for the younger crowd? Then the scifi and love story could be the core?
Of course, this is just a suggestion. Right now, everything seems to be fairly evenly distributed, which had me not getting emotionally attached to any one thing.
As for these elements...
The Love Story: I gotta say I wasn't feeling it. I think this stems from the scene in the hotel room. The one place where David and Sharon should shine. Right now, it's pretty drab. David is so in love with Sharon, but he comes across more as a puppy wanting her attention than an air force pilot. And Sharon obviously has deep feelings for him. It seems to me he should draw some kind of emotional reaction out of her. Anger? Fear? Frustration? Something other than her just blowing him off could really liven their relationship up.
The FAA Story: I like how it's handled. How Ben has to solve all these problems and try to keep a level head about him. My only nitpick would be all the jargon. I can't imagine the research that went into writing this, but I must admit, what some of those guys were saying just flew over my head. I had no idea what they were trying to do exactly, but I figured it would work. Perhaps if there was a way to fit in some layman way to describe their actions?
The Political Story: If the Pakistani plane goes down its world war 3. As the story stands now, this sub plot needs to be stressed harder. Like, the President standing to her feet demanding that plane land safely. Like, Ben sweating his position because he's gonna have to make that plane a priority, which could mean the lives of other innocent people. Something to ramp up the tension. Right now, no one seems all too concerned. And even in that one scene with Ben on the phone with Sharon, he seemed rather stoic. I mean, if the killer satellite doesn't get us, world war 3 will!
The Scifi Story: My first nitpick is how a bunch of characters are all introduced in one great lump sum. This is the only part that made my brain hurt a little. I had to struggle to keep track of who was who. Maybe if there was some interaction with the individuals? Maybe they do something, say something...something to give the reader to chew on and let the character sink in, before moving to the next.
My second nitpick is that no great great sacrifices were made. The one death was an accident? Everyone else lives. It's kinda blah. There's great bits of action, well written and easy to follow, but not once did I feel the true pangs of desperation. Even at the end, where they just decide to sit and wait for death. And the scene with Canadarm wrestling. Scenes like that, especially in space, should get my heart racing, but things are resolved fairly easy. The more tension the better. And in my humble opinion, someone, maybe even two or three people, should die saving the day. But, that's just my opinion. I'm just like that.
All in all, I enjoyed the elements of the story, but as it stands now, too much of a good thing might be distracting the core of the story. Finding a focus might flesh out certain elements and give the story greater impact.
It is of course just the opinion of one guy, so take from it what you will.
Millennium Dawn, Pilot Script 2 - tighter, cleaner, new and improved
4 stars
I really enjoyed the script. Good characters with Tru and Sarvali. I can see these two becoming the best of friends. With the central mystery, and the potential backstory, my interest was piqued.
July 29, 2012
ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, Taylor's 4th Draft
1
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Good Times!
September 07, 2011
I love me some good horror/comedy, and this script gets very close to being a near perfect one. It's a quick read, very entertaining, and had me in a genuinely good mood throughout, with points of laughter here and there.
Though...
The one scene that vexes the fun, for me, was Quintus and the 10 year old slave girl. First, the dude is alone in the room with her. Creepy. Then, he kills her. Boooooo. All because Orcus was inhabiting her body. This is 17 pages in, and I'm wondering how much of the audience you'd lose right here.
Perhaps if the tone of the script was more serious, more dark and gritty, it would be slightly more allowable, but in the spirit of the script, this seems out of place and a bit over the top, even if it's just trying to convey that Quintus is a bad guy. In all reality, does the age and gender of whoever Orcus inhabits really matter? Could it be an old dude with false teeth, and when Orcus is trying to speak, his teeth keep falling out? Could it be a guard with a stuttering problem? Could it be an assassin sent from a rival senator...could it be anyone? Sure. But a 10 year old girl falls flat. To me, anyway.
Beyond that, the mood is good, very much in the vein of something like Army of Darkness.
From a story standpoint, the biggest hole for me was the relation between Orcus and the Panther. By what I can surmise, Orcus is basically stuck in the temple. It's not like he can go around nabbing up the woman of his dreams, Cassia, as far as I can tell. Perhaps it needs to be established that he needs Quintus to bring her to the temple, which he ultimately ends up doing. As it is, from the standpoint of a viewer, if he's been summoned and he's in a bodily form, people may think: Well, why doesn't Orcus just go get her?
Beyond that, what connection does Orcus have with African mythology? It seems like two worlds greatly separated. When the panther arrives on the dock, it almost seems like a coincidence. Like the plot with Orcus is something completely different to the plot with the panther. The dock scene seems shoehorned in, and in reality, mostly unnecessary.
My reasoning is this: If the zombie infection is directly caused by Orcus, the beginning of that infection should start with something Roman, or even personally by Orcus. What if Quintus goes back to the temple hoping to appease Orcus with another wolf, because he doesn't want to sacrifice Cassia? Right before Quintus sacrifices it, Orcus intervenes, turns the wolf into some zombie thing that attacks someone and escapes? Just a suggestion...but I was thinking the link between Orcus and the zombie outbreak could have been stronger.
With Orcus telling Quintus that "You will bring my sacrifice to me or I will unleash my army on the city." And then having Dax joking at the panther: "Did Orcus send you, little one?" It comes across rather thin. The moments seems to fly by. How and why does Orcus need an African animal to raise his army?
So...Titus is 28 years old. Cassia is a nubile young 19 year old. This is most definitely a match made in every male fantasy. The young woman transfixed by the older dude. Honestly, it doesn't matter if there's any chemistry between them or not. She's beautiful. She wants him right off the bat. Titus has been surrounded by swinging d*** for a good number of years. How could he deny? Right? Right!?
But here's the thing: is there anything endearing about Cassia for an audience to latch onto? She comes across as someone bratty. Sure, she's determined, but her strong personality gets a bit annoying. Other than sex, I didn't read one moment that convinced me why Titus would fall in love with her. Why anyone would.
In fact, I don't think he does. It seemed to me he wanted to save her only because: OMG! She's hot! She's into me! I gotta keep her around for a little while longer! Once the zombie invasion is over, I could totally see him blowing her off.
In my opinion, she might be a stronger character if she matured throughout the script. She could be all immature at first, but after seeing all the death, her father being turned into a zombie (to which she has moment of surprise, but then seems to not really carer about), the life and death situations, she could mentally grow up. Maybe involve a bit of vulnerability? Maybe slowly change her dialogue, make it more mature? Regardless, it seems an audience will root for her if she has a stronger character arc.
So once the zombie is unleashed, there's plenty of fantastic scenes. With the elephants, the sewers and zombie animals, the exploding barrels of oil, the brothel. These scenes have improved, especially Cassia on the elephant and the underground tunnel turning into a nightmare for the heroes, with the zombie animals and zombies on fire. Very well done! For the most part, things seem mostly intact story-wise from the original script, until we get to the garrison.
Apparently, Cassia is in the mood for love, despite the zombie invasion, her father turning into a zombie, and nearly dying in the sewers. But you know, when you take a breather, might as well take the most of it. And, of course, Titus obliges. My favorite scene is Titus in the stockade, and Quintus tells him, "I've seen the way you look at her." Referring to Cassia. But, Quintus has already walked in on the two in bed! He knows they've slept together! Perhaps it was an oversight, but I like to think that Quintus has blocked it out of his mind, having observed the woman he loves in bed with Titus, and is in a state of denial.
As for the third act: I LOVED the zombie elephant and the flying/on fire zombies! Especially the flying zombies. What a great visual! Loved Titus trying to get out of the stockade, asking for a key. Not sure if the zombie picking up the key works. It's a funny scene when the zombie tries to eat it, but then it unlocks the cell. Perhaps if it was specified that it's a Zombie Soldier with the key, one that was guarding Titus, it might be more believable.
Things do get a little wonky when Lucius turns into a zombie. His chariot flips over and then he turns into a zombie. It's quick and not very memorable. We've been with this guy for most of the movie. He needs a memorable end, and something to stick in the audiences mind, since he ultimately "dethrones" Flavius with a swift lopping off of the head, another quick scene. It seems almost too random.
Don't get me wrong, it caught me by surprise when Lucius kills Flavius, and I liked it, but it seemed so quick, so random, that it did not hold any meaningfulness. It just happens and we move on. Maybe a quick set up? Of Flavius directing his army and Lucius having nothing to do with it? Maybe Lucius sneaking up on Flavius? Nothing better than zombie betrayal! But it needs a bit more.
Loved Titus trying to figure out where Quintus took Cassia. When he gets there, we come again to the panther. Now, I love the fact that the panther turns into a sort of hydra, but it seems to be mixing two different mythologies again. African and Greek. And the fact that the panther starts to grow more heads every time one is cut off, as thrilling as it is, comes across more confusing than anything.
We're in a zombie movie, and now this panther is growing heads like we're in Clash of the Titans. It's so out of the blue. I'm thinking that maybe if something of this sort was set up earlier it wouldn't be so shocking. Not sure how it would work. Maybe if Orcus, unsatisfied with his zombie army, decides to ratchet up his power, and all the beheaded zombies come back to life with multiple heads? I dunno. What if there was no way to kill a zombie except to kill Orcus at this point? Well...except for cauterizing the neck, but how difficult would that be!?
And about vanquishing Orcus. Choking him to death seems rather easy. There should be something inventive. Like, what if Quintus was really Flavius' first daughter, though Flavius wanted a boy, and so Quintus has been living this secret life, and Titus ends up stuffing him/her into Orcus' mouth? Hey, he got what he wanted! Flavius' daughter! Or Titus has to choke Cassia to death, giving Orcus what he wants, only to revive her afterwards. I dunno. The movie has been building to this point. It seems like it should be spectacular or emotional or something.
Loved that the zombies turned to ashes!
But it's tough. With only a couple months to revise a screenplay, this one is great fun and entertaining. If there had been more time, I could see this version becoming a classic. It would be well worth it to continue revising, to enter it into the monthly contest. A great read, paced well, with quirky characters, and a better plot (that could use some fine tuning). A great adventure!
Though...
The one scene that vexes the fun, for me, was Quintus and the 10 year old slave girl. First, the dude is alone in the room with her. Creepy. Then, he kills her. Boooooo. All because Orcus was inhabiting her body. This is 17 pages in, and I'm wondering how much of the audience you'd lose right here.
Perhaps if the tone of the script was more serious, more dark and gritty, it would be slightly more allowable, but in the spirit of the script, this seems out of place and a bit over the top, even if it's just trying to convey that Quintus is a bad guy. In all reality, does the age and gender of whoever Orcus inhabits really matter? Could it be an old dude with false teeth, and when Orcus is trying to speak, his teeth keep falling out? Could it be a guard with a stuttering problem? Could it be an assassin sent from a rival senator...could it be anyone? Sure. But a 10 year old girl falls flat. To me, anyway.
Beyond that, the mood is good, very much in the vein of something like Army of Darkness.
From a story standpoint, the biggest hole for me was the relation between Orcus and the Panther. By what I can surmise, Orcus is basically stuck in the temple. It's not like he can go around nabbing up the woman of his dreams, Cassia, as far as I can tell. Perhaps it needs to be established that he needs Quintus to bring her to the temple, which he ultimately ends up doing. As it is, from the standpoint of a viewer, if he's been summoned and he's in a bodily form, people may think: Well, why doesn't Orcus just go get her?
Beyond that, what connection does Orcus have with African mythology? It seems like two worlds greatly separated. When the panther arrives on the dock, it almost seems like a coincidence. Like the plot with Orcus is something completely different to the plot with the panther. The dock scene seems shoehorned in, and in reality, mostly unnecessary.
My reasoning is this: If the zombie infection is directly caused by Orcus, the beginning of that infection should start with something Roman, or even personally by Orcus. What if Quintus goes back to the temple hoping to appease Orcus with another wolf, because he doesn't want to sacrifice Cassia? Right before Quintus sacrifices it, Orcus intervenes, turns the wolf into some zombie thing that attacks someone and escapes? Just a suggestion...but I was thinking the link between Orcus and the zombie outbreak could have been stronger.
With Orcus telling Quintus that "You will bring my sacrifice to me or I will unleash my army on the city." And then having Dax joking at the panther: "Did Orcus send you, little one?" It comes across rather thin. The moments seems to fly by. How and why does Orcus need an African animal to raise his army?
So...Titus is 28 years old. Cassia is a nubile young 19 year old. This is most definitely a match made in every male fantasy. The young woman transfixed by the older dude. Honestly, it doesn't matter if there's any chemistry between them or not. She's beautiful. She wants him right off the bat. Titus has been surrounded by swinging d*** for a good number of years. How could he deny? Right? Right!?
But here's the thing: is there anything endearing about Cassia for an audience to latch onto? She comes across as someone bratty. Sure, she's determined, but her strong personality gets a bit annoying. Other than sex, I didn't read one moment that convinced me why Titus would fall in love with her. Why anyone would.
In fact, I don't think he does. It seemed to me he wanted to save her only because: OMG! She's hot! She's into me! I gotta keep her around for a little while longer! Once the zombie invasion is over, I could totally see him blowing her off.
In my opinion, she might be a stronger character if she matured throughout the script. She could be all immature at first, but after seeing all the death, her father being turned into a zombie (to which she has moment of surprise, but then seems to not really carer about), the life and death situations, she could mentally grow up. Maybe involve a bit of vulnerability? Maybe slowly change her dialogue, make it more mature? Regardless, it seems an audience will root for her if she has a stronger character arc.
So once the zombie is unleashed, there's plenty of fantastic scenes. With the elephants, the sewers and zombie animals, the exploding barrels of oil, the brothel. These scenes have improved, especially Cassia on the elephant and the underground tunnel turning into a nightmare for the heroes, with the zombie animals and zombies on fire. Very well done! For the most part, things seem mostly intact story-wise from the original script, until we get to the garrison.
Apparently, Cassia is in the mood for love, despite the zombie invasion, her father turning into a zombie, and nearly dying in the sewers. But you know, when you take a breather, might as well take the most of it. And, of course, Titus obliges. My favorite scene is Titus in the stockade, and Quintus tells him, "I've seen the way you look at her." Referring to Cassia. But, Quintus has already walked in on the two in bed! He knows they've slept together! Perhaps it was an oversight, but I like to think that Quintus has blocked it out of his mind, having observed the woman he loves in bed with Titus, and is in a state of denial.
As for the third act: I LOVED the zombie elephant and the flying/on fire zombies! Especially the flying zombies. What a great visual! Loved Titus trying to get out of the stockade, asking for a key. Not sure if the zombie picking up the key works. It's a funny scene when the zombie tries to eat it, but then it unlocks the cell. Perhaps if it was specified that it's a Zombie Soldier with the key, one that was guarding Titus, it might be more believable.
Things do get a little wonky when Lucius turns into a zombie. His chariot flips over and then he turns into a zombie. It's quick and not very memorable. We've been with this guy for most of the movie. He needs a memorable end, and something to stick in the audiences mind, since he ultimately "dethrones" Flavius with a swift lopping off of the head, another quick scene. It seems almost too random.
Don't get me wrong, it caught me by surprise when Lucius kills Flavius, and I liked it, but it seemed so quick, so random, that it did not hold any meaningfulness. It just happens and we move on. Maybe a quick set up? Of Flavius directing his army and Lucius having nothing to do with it? Maybe Lucius sneaking up on Flavius? Nothing better than zombie betrayal! But it needs a bit more.
Loved Titus trying to figure out where Quintus took Cassia. When he gets there, we come again to the panther. Now, I love the fact that the panther turns into a sort of hydra, but it seems to be mixing two different mythologies again. African and Greek. And the fact that the panther starts to grow more heads every time one is cut off, as thrilling as it is, comes across more confusing than anything.
We're in a zombie movie, and now this panther is growing heads like we're in Clash of the Titans. It's so out of the blue. I'm thinking that maybe if something of this sort was set up earlier it wouldn't be so shocking. Not sure how it would work. Maybe if Orcus, unsatisfied with his zombie army, decides to ratchet up his power, and all the beheaded zombies come back to life with multiple heads? I dunno. What if there was no way to kill a zombie except to kill Orcus at this point? Well...except for cauterizing the neck, but how difficult would that be!?
And about vanquishing Orcus. Choking him to death seems rather easy. There should be something inventive. Like, what if Quintus was really Flavius' first daughter, though Flavius wanted a boy, and so Quintus has been living this secret life, and Titus ends up stuffing him/her into Orcus' mouth? Hey, he got what he wanted! Flavius' daughter! Or Titus has to choke Cassia to death, giving Orcus what he wants, only to revive her afterwards. I dunno. The movie has been building to this point. It seems like it should be spectacular or emotional or something.
Loved that the zombies turned to ashes!
But it's tough. With only a couple months to revise a screenplay, this one is great fun and entertaining. If there had been more time, I could see this version becoming a classic. It would be well worth it to continue revising, to enter it into the monthly contest. A great read, paced well, with quirky characters, and a better plot (that could use some fine tuning). A great adventure!
ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, Brandon's 2nd Draft
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Revenge is a plate of chicken, best served cold...
September 05, 2011
Great scenes and moments are sprinkled within this story: The reveal of Janus talking with his dead son, zombies destroying Milan, Marcus killing Ridley and accidentally killing his wife. These are memorable moments, that if this were made into a movie, would stay with a moviegoer long after the credits.
Between those awesome moments, there's a lot of talking. Personally, I don't mind long stretches of dialogue, as long as the conversations are interesting. And for the most part, I thought the conversations in this script were interesting.
On the negative side, though, those lengthy conversations only served to move the story along in small increments...
-Janus reflects on his past glory to his son;
-Ridley and Talious talk about Diana;
-Ridley and Diana talk and stop seeing each other;
-Jason and Talious talk about the games;
-Janus tells his son about a flower, then raises the dead;
-After a battle in the arena, Marcus talks with Ridley, setting him up to sleep with his wife;
-There's a party, where we learn Diana and Talious had a relationship, and where Marcus kills Ridley and his wife (intercut with a zombie invasion in Milan)...
At this point I'm thinking we've reached the end of ACT 1...42 pages in. Maybe I'm wrong? Because after this, the two stories move to converge, with Talious heading out of Rome and Janus heading for Rome. Regardless, I'm thinking this juncture of the story could arrive sooner. Maybe by trimming about 15 pages? And by trimming, I'm suggesting the dialogue. Though I like it, I think it could be more succinct, tightened up. But, that is just my opinion...
Shortening the first act could really open up the second act, where:
-Talious and Diana make love, battle zombies, and meet Janus;
-Janus reflects on his life, describes why he hates Christians, ties up Talious, takes Diana to Rome;
-Secondary gladiators fight zombies;
-Janus sets Diana free;
-Talious speaks to the gods, and Deus sets him free;
-Janus kills Constantine...
I'm thinking the beginning of the third act is when Talious and Diana meet in Rome. Of course, again, I could be wrong. But by this point, we're on page 88, with 14 pages to go. If the second act is what I think it is, then it's about 46 pages long. But the thing is, within these pages, nothing very memorable happens, not as memorable as the first act.
Talious is put out of commission. Diana simply runs around. The secondary gladiators do the fighting. Janus rides into Rome and kills the emperor. And again, with Talious and Diana conversing, the picnic scene, Janus waxing on about his motives, Talious speaking to the gods, then to Deus...all these conversations deflate momentum. The story seems to be treading water.
If, perhaps, the heroes were given more to do...like maybe getting them back to Rome sooner? Maybe they could give Janus more of a struggle getting to Constantine. As it stands now, Janus pretty much walks up and kills the emperor. Shedding pages off the first act (where I'm thinking the first act might end), would give enough space to widen the scope of the second act as well.
As it stands now, pages 42-88 don't really go anywhere special. A few things happen, leading up to the final confrontation, with little to no tension.
Pages 88-96 is a good battle, where the secondary gladiators see some action first, and then Talious basically comes to the their rescue. Diana doesn't do much, except nearly cut off someone's head and warn Talious to hurry up.
But with a lackluster second act, and Janus seemingly defeated when he kills Constantine and his wife and child are still dead...there's not a whole lot of tension when Talious arrives. I'm thinking, the only stake either of them have in fighting is for Talious to extinguish the zombie horde and for Janus to be through with his miserable life.
At this point, shouldn't the stakes be higher? Maybe Janus goes insane? Maybe he figures he must destroy the whole empire before seeing his wife and son again? I don't know.
Talious wants to be the man he was, so he must end Janus. I'm thinking his motivation is a little thin. Other than having his brother momentarily turned into a zombie, what has Janus done to Talious personally, to motivate him? Nothing really. Tied him up, I suppose. Heck, they're practically friends too. But the fight seems mostly impersonal, generic, something that must be done, with no other motivating factors beyond that.
It's like a random fight in the Colosseum. These men square off against each other and fight. It's nothing personal between them, it's just what they do. And at this point in the story, it seems like there should be something more between these two, a sense of history within the time frame of the story, a back and forth of sorts, of one side gaining the upper hand, then losing it, so that the final battle would have a stronger impact.
And then it ends. Talious swings for Janus' corpse head and...cut to a pot. Actually, I think this works. I got the picture. Very well done.
In the aftermath, there's banter between the gladiators and Talious, between Diana and Talious that don't serve any purpose other than being there. It's more talking about this and that, that goes on for 5 pages. Could be trimmed down, or perhaps the conversations could have more purpose to them?
Anyway, in the last scene, through Janus' dead wife, Orcus says "Rise!", and the word pretty much enters Janus' mouth. Which I do not really understand. If Janus has his head crushed in or cut off, can he rise? I dunno.
Apparently Orcus wants to squash Christians and Rome for turning their back on him. Seems like a good motivation, but with all the talking and conversations, I actually had to go back an reread, because I had forgotten this point. Perhaps this point could be developed more...like right off the bat. In the beginning, when Janus says everyone who dishonors the gods will die, its very vague and easily forgettable. Perhaps adding in a line about Christianity might help to tie that thread together.
Anyway, I enjoyed the script. It's very different from any other ZvG script, and has potential to be something more.
-We have Christianity vs Orcus, a good theme.
-We have a retired gladiator who believes he is not washed up.
-We have Talious and Diana, their complicated relationship.
-We have Ridley's death.
-We have Janus and his delusional state of mind.
-We have actual zombies.
All good ingredients that make for a strong story. So, giving more clarity to the Christianity vs Orcus theme...Doing something more with Talious and Diana after they sleep together (maybe putting Diana in more danger?)...making the second and third acts as interesting and complicated as the first...and making the final battle more personal could very much strengthen the script. Of course, it's just my opinion.
Hope it's helpful.
Between those awesome moments, there's a lot of talking. Personally, I don't mind long stretches of dialogue, as long as the conversations are interesting. And for the most part, I thought the conversations in this script were interesting.
On the negative side, though, those lengthy conversations only served to move the story along in small increments...
-Janus reflects on his past glory to his son;
-Ridley and Talious talk about Diana;
-Ridley and Diana talk and stop seeing each other;
-Jason and Talious talk about the games;
-Janus tells his son about a flower, then raises the dead;
-After a battle in the arena, Marcus talks with Ridley, setting him up to sleep with his wife;
-There's a party, where we learn Diana and Talious had a relationship, and where Marcus kills Ridley and his wife (intercut with a zombie invasion in Milan)...
At this point I'm thinking we've reached the end of ACT 1...42 pages in. Maybe I'm wrong? Because after this, the two stories move to converge, with Talious heading out of Rome and Janus heading for Rome. Regardless, I'm thinking this juncture of the story could arrive sooner. Maybe by trimming about 15 pages? And by trimming, I'm suggesting the dialogue. Though I like it, I think it could be more succinct, tightened up. But, that is just my opinion...
Shortening the first act could really open up the second act, where:
-Talious and Diana make love, battle zombies, and meet Janus;
-Janus reflects on his life, describes why he hates Christians, ties up Talious, takes Diana to Rome;
-Secondary gladiators fight zombies;
-Janus sets Diana free;
-Talious speaks to the gods, and Deus sets him free;
-Janus kills Constantine...
I'm thinking the beginning of the third act is when Talious and Diana meet in Rome. Of course, again, I could be wrong. But by this point, we're on page 88, with 14 pages to go. If the second act is what I think it is, then it's about 46 pages long. But the thing is, within these pages, nothing very memorable happens, not as memorable as the first act.
Talious is put out of commission. Diana simply runs around. The secondary gladiators do the fighting. Janus rides into Rome and kills the emperor. And again, with Talious and Diana conversing, the picnic scene, Janus waxing on about his motives, Talious speaking to the gods, then to Deus...all these conversations deflate momentum. The story seems to be treading water.
If, perhaps, the heroes were given more to do...like maybe getting them back to Rome sooner? Maybe they could give Janus more of a struggle getting to Constantine. As it stands now, Janus pretty much walks up and kills the emperor. Shedding pages off the first act (where I'm thinking the first act might end), would give enough space to widen the scope of the second act as well.
As it stands now, pages 42-88 don't really go anywhere special. A few things happen, leading up to the final confrontation, with little to no tension.
Pages 88-96 is a good battle, where the secondary gladiators see some action first, and then Talious basically comes to the their rescue. Diana doesn't do much, except nearly cut off someone's head and warn Talious to hurry up.
But with a lackluster second act, and Janus seemingly defeated when he kills Constantine and his wife and child are still dead...there's not a whole lot of tension when Talious arrives. I'm thinking, the only stake either of them have in fighting is for Talious to extinguish the zombie horde and for Janus to be through with his miserable life.
At this point, shouldn't the stakes be higher? Maybe Janus goes insane? Maybe he figures he must destroy the whole empire before seeing his wife and son again? I don't know.
Talious wants to be the man he was, so he must end Janus. I'm thinking his motivation is a little thin. Other than having his brother momentarily turned into a zombie, what has Janus done to Talious personally, to motivate him? Nothing really. Tied him up, I suppose. Heck, they're practically friends too. But the fight seems mostly impersonal, generic, something that must be done, with no other motivating factors beyond that.
It's like a random fight in the Colosseum. These men square off against each other and fight. It's nothing personal between them, it's just what they do. And at this point in the story, it seems like there should be something more between these two, a sense of history within the time frame of the story, a back and forth of sorts, of one side gaining the upper hand, then losing it, so that the final battle would have a stronger impact.
And then it ends. Talious swings for Janus' corpse head and...cut to a pot. Actually, I think this works. I got the picture. Very well done.
In the aftermath, there's banter between the gladiators and Talious, between Diana and Talious that don't serve any purpose other than being there. It's more talking about this and that, that goes on for 5 pages. Could be trimmed down, or perhaps the conversations could have more purpose to them?
Anyway, in the last scene, through Janus' dead wife, Orcus says "Rise!", and the word pretty much enters Janus' mouth. Which I do not really understand. If Janus has his head crushed in or cut off, can he rise? I dunno.
Apparently Orcus wants to squash Christians and Rome for turning their back on him. Seems like a good motivation, but with all the talking and conversations, I actually had to go back an reread, because I had forgotten this point. Perhaps this point could be developed more...like right off the bat. In the beginning, when Janus says everyone who dishonors the gods will die, its very vague and easily forgettable. Perhaps adding in a line about Christianity might help to tie that thread together.
Anyway, I enjoyed the script. It's very different from any other ZvG script, and has potential to be something more.
-We have Christianity vs Orcus, a good theme.
-We have a retired gladiator who believes he is not washed up.
-We have Talious and Diana, their complicated relationship.
-We have Ridley's death.
-We have Janus and his delusional state of mind.
-We have actual zombies.
All good ingredients that make for a strong story. So, giving more clarity to the Christianity vs Orcus theme...Doing something more with Talious and Diana after they sleep together (maybe putting Diana in more danger?)...making the second and third acts as interesting and complicated as the first...and making the final battle more personal could very much strengthen the script. Of course, it's just my opinion.
Hope it's helpful.
ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, William's 1st Draft
5
out of
8
people found the following review helpful:
Cool Premise, Sloppy Execution
July 20, 2011
The synopsis sounds intriguing, but it seems some of it has already been scrapped. Titus thinking back to his childhood is nowhere to be seen in the first part of Act 1. The fact that Rufus captures wild animals (hippos, giraffes) is gone. And now Titus has a daughter in the present?
The portion of Act 1 posted reads like a very rough draft. Like the quickly written thoughts of a writer who just wants to blast through an initial draft to get a general idea of what the script's basic structure and ideas are going to look like.
I'm wondering why this has been posted at all since the story is not fully set in stone yet. It's all so sloppy that it makes for a frustrating read. It needs a lot of fine tuning.
There's no point in giving this an in depth review, because it's hard to tell what works and what doesn't, since it's in such very rough shape.
UPDATE:
*************************************************************************
I WAS WRONG IN THINKING THAT TOO MUCH REVISION CONSTITUTES THE POSSIBILITY OF WRITING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE. A REVISION IS A REVISION, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IS CHANGED. DISREGARD EVERYTHING BELOW. REVISIONS ARE NOT JUST ABOUT SUPERFICIAL CHANGES, BUT CHANGES THAT COULD RESULT IN MASSIVE UPHEAVALS IN A STORY, CHARACTER, OR PLOT.
THIS IS MY NOT INSIGHTFUL PART OF THE REVIEW....
My only other concern is that the synopsis is so far removed from the original, I wonder if this could be considered a true revision, or another movie entirely with similar elements to ZvG. Sure, there's Rome, gladiators and zombies, but the central focus seems to be about Augustus turning into a god. Out of nearly a 7 page synopsis, only a handful of paragraphs focus on what was in the original ZvG.
Perhaps there's a fine line while revising a script, but I think upon that line would be its central focus. And right now Augustus turning into a god seems to far outweigh the original focus, which was gladiators fighting zombies.
BLEH...I WAS WRONG.
I WISH WILLIAM THE BEST OF LUCK IN HIS IMAGINATIVE AND ORIGINAL REVISION OF ZVG.
****************************************************************************
The portion of Act 1 posted reads like a very rough draft. Like the quickly written thoughts of a writer who just wants to blast through an initial draft to get a general idea of what the script's basic structure and ideas are going to look like.
I'm wondering why this has been posted at all since the story is not fully set in stone yet. It's all so sloppy that it makes for a frustrating read. It needs a lot of fine tuning.
There's no point in giving this an in depth review, because it's hard to tell what works and what doesn't, since it's in such very rough shape.
UPDATE:
*************************************************************************
I WAS WRONG IN THINKING THAT TOO MUCH REVISION CONSTITUTES THE POSSIBILITY OF WRITING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE. A REVISION IS A REVISION, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IS CHANGED. DISREGARD EVERYTHING BELOW. REVISIONS ARE NOT JUST ABOUT SUPERFICIAL CHANGES, BUT CHANGES THAT COULD RESULT IN MASSIVE UPHEAVALS IN A STORY, CHARACTER, OR PLOT.
THIS IS MY NOT INSIGHTFUL PART OF THE REVIEW....
My only other concern is that the synopsis is so far removed from the original, I wonder if this could be considered a true revision, or another movie entirely with similar elements to ZvG. Sure, there's Rome, gladiators and zombies, but the central focus seems to be about Augustus turning into a god. Out of nearly a 7 page synopsis, only a handful of paragraphs focus on what was in the original ZvG.
Perhaps there's a fine line while revising a script, but I think upon that line would be its central focus. And right now Augustus turning into a god seems to far outweigh the original focus, which was gladiators fighting zombies.
BLEH...I WAS WRONG.
I WISH WILLIAM THE BEST OF LUCK IN HIS IMAGINATIVE AND ORIGINAL REVISION OF ZVG.
****************************************************************************
Favorite Movies
Snow Falling on Cedars
The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Vampire Hunter D
Ondine
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Alien 3
Revanche
Valhalla Rising
The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Vampire Hunter D
Ondine
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Alien 3
Revanche
Valhalla Rising
Influences
Robert Wise
Stephen King
David Fincher
Clint Eastwood
Hemingway
Harper Lee
Tolkien
Akira Kurosawa
Stephen King
David Fincher
Clint Eastwood
Hemingway
Harper Lee
Tolkien
Akira Kurosawa
Following
1 Project
(Thriller and Suspense, Science Fiction and Fantasy) Hanina Hoffman
19 People
Winner: Best Script
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Dialogue Track, Best Script
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Dialogue Track, Best Script
The characters are all great and well imagined, distinct from one another. I wouldn't change any of them, except maybe for...
And this is probably my biggest quibble: Jaden. Throughout the story, while he's doing all these things, getting himself deeper into trouble, he basically comes across as an innocent being pushed from one situation to another. As it stands, he's maybe a little too one dimensional? Granted, he's likable. He cries a lot. Feels sorry. But this is his story and it seems like he needs an emotional arc. Like he needs a struggle besides the circumstances he's thrust into.
Of course, he wants to impress Briana, but he does it in such a puppy dog way. As a suggestion, maybe show him a bit more frustrated, or even angry, in the beginning. He's young. His emotions are in overdrive. Why can't he be angry that Briana doesn't notice him? Why can't we see him jealous? He's still a good kid, but his journey into darkness should, it seems, stem from a place of darkness, so that when he does eventually see the light it's more meaningful.
Also, can we see him enjoy that darkness a bit? The sequence where he and Briana break into the mall, could he not enjoy the fact that she's helping him? He's infatuated with her, and though he's in trouble, could he not take comfort that his childhood friend, the girl whose attention he's been vying for, is there, supposedly for him? Maybe he can take a bit of courage from her being there? It seems this would make his heartbreak all the more substantial when she takes half the money.
Of course, this will make him less likable, but I think for his journey, to see him be a little more selfish will give the ending a greater impact. As it stands now, I didn't feel like he really learned anything of substance about himself, that him as a person had no real arc.
Which leads me to the ending: Does he do anything to really earn Sydney's affection? Of course she's in love with him, but in the context of the story, it seems like he should do something to really earn her to stick by him. He spills his guts to her, to Henry...what if he confesses everything to the cops? I can see him on the side of the road, tired of it all, and just mans up and tells them everything, while looking for the gun. I can see Sydney and Henry trying to stop him. And when the cops take him away, I can see Sydney looking at him in a different light, with a deeper affection, prompting her to take action, to try and clear his name. I don't know, but it seems like he should do something, demonstrate a measure of growth, by that point in the story.
Also, I'm not sure what happens in the cell, when Briana sees Jaden. It seems like there should be some closure there, but a streetwalker interferes, comments on her dress, and that's the end of the scene. Not sure what to make of it. Not sure what to make of Jaden saying she wasn't treated right by him. (In fact, the whole backstory of Briana not being treated right is a bit fuzzy, especially since she seems so popular now)
And speaking of the end, shouldn't there be some kind of consequences? Yes, Jaden is on house arrest. But I couldn't see him and Mika becoming friends. What Jaden did was wrong, and it seems for Mika to forgive so easily is a little too easy. Something like that, it seems it would take years to sort out, if it ever does. Having Mika ultimately be a good kid who is now jaded toward Jaden, could really hit home that wrong actions do have lasting consequences. Not sure how it would play out, but that one point seemed a little too easy for me.
Anywho, like I said, I enjoyed the script and laughed out loud at certain points, felt the genuine tension at other points, and the story itself is very well plotted out. My opinions on Jaden are, of course, just my opinions, so take from them what you will. But again, very well done!