Clutch Singleton (Las Vegas, NV)

Honestly, while mastering our previously uploaded low-res rough cut of the same title, it came as a great shock to see another party take the ambition to bring this story to life. However, as a contributor to the project, it has been exciting to see what it has developed into, from the original award-winning screenplay to what this is now, a highly polished bullet-train of a comedy that is as highly marketable as it is enjoyable to watch. To this effect, the filmmakers are to be applauded. They have seamlessly woven the best parts of two good scripts with their own creative choices, all the while injecting prowess, humor and emotion. The story is strong, the characters are stronger, the acting, directing and sound design are nothing short of excellent and everything is technically sound.

The story gets started quickly, a marked improvement over all previous drafts in which the first act may have been one of the overall weak points of the story. Within minutes, a backstory is registered, goals are set, antagonism is present and stakes are laid.

Rishi and Pants are the biscuits and gravy of this production, as has been the case since the original screenplay. Their performances are captivating, each have clear goals, and together their dynamic fuels
much of the comedy in the production. They really drive the movie.

Morbid_Bunny_3 is a considerably different character than we have seen before. It is both a creative choice on the filmmakers behalf and a refreshing new perspective for a massive world-wide audience. She brings spunk that accents the other characters nicely. The new "Mobu" also shows considerable growth.

The change from Ohio to LA, in hindsight, seems like a no-brainer.

Jessica is more prevalent than ever, and her incorporation into the story was as necessary as it was well put together. She is the main force that drives the main character, and I really like what you have done with her.

The "Library" scene may just be the funniest in the movie.

The ending is the only part that may have been benefited by a bit more fleshing it out. Although it delivered welcome changes such as the nice tie to the end of Pants' arch and D'Mario's ultimate outcome, the ending, and the entire D'Mario crib scene just seemed quick and ended somewhat abruptly. It's not that it did not work, it's just the entire story built up to it. These friends have overcome many obstacles to make it this far, and to me it seemed like there should have been more of a struggle, at least more of a struggle than some of their previous conflicts, a challenge considering how well these previous conflicts played out. At any rate, the conclusion effectively ties together all character archs and answers the questions at the heart of the story:

"Can you really love somebody you don't really know?"

The answer, as it applies to ALL characters: Yes, if you really know them.

For example, it doesn't matter how you meet somebody, be it through Facebook, Farmville or real-life conversation. What does matter is that you get to know them. This is how love is built. Although Owen and Jessica had never actually met, they REALLY knew each other, thus there love was true. In contrast, although D'Mario and Jessica had met in real life, and actually had a real-life relationship, their love was false because they hadn't REALLY gotten to know each other.

"Are your internet friends really your friends?"

Yes, if they are really your friends.

Once again, in this age of social networking the ever-increasing ability to carry out long distance friendships, how people meet does not define a friendship. What defines true friendship are the journeys shared, the help offered when in need and the selfless sacrifices made. Rishi probably has 762 internet friends, but there's no way he's sharing his 1800 tequila with 762 people. Owen, Rishi, Pants and Mobu, by stories end, are all true friends.

One final note, I really liked the "epilogue" true to the template established at the story's opening.

Great job guys.

Some notes on the screenplay TIME OF DEATH

This, to me, is a good script that needs some work. It’s well written in a way that drew me as a reader into the world of the story and allowed me to grow as a part of it, regardless of the level of technical knowledge one may or may not possess on factors that contribute heavily to your plot, i.e. Shakespeare, specifically Macbeth, or the technical aspects of stage production. The characters, for the most part, are genuine and relatable. They all, even minor ones, have clear objectives, though some are less compelling than others. Both internal and external objectives exist for the major characters. There is clear and present conflict throughout. The structure is solid. The elements for this to be a great story are in place, and I feel if they are built upon this script has the chance to be one hell of a movie. Some heavy sweat has been invested into this project; the writer’s attention to small details makes this much clear. One of my favorite examples is on p. 25 when Hannah “dies” in the dorm bathroom:

Hannah’s prone body has leaked a small stream of black blood from her thumb.

Is that to say the blood is coagulated because she does, in fact, die every night? If so, that’s compact and impressive.

The first act, the opening scene in particular, drew me in. Act I is easily the strongest and compelled me to read more. Act II had good parts, but a lot of parts seemed like talking heads, and whether or not what they were saying was important or not (both cases I feel are present)all the talking slowed what was a comfortable pace. It drew me out of the story. For example, the Nazi dialogue. What happens in this scene? It’s interesting back story, but how does it benefit the story and is it worth taking up a whole page? Also, Laura Marie’s oven comment seems very harsh considering her family history. Shortly after, where is Hannah running too? She knows she’s going to die any minute, why would she run out into the rain? When she revives, and this is minor but you pay great attention to detail, I feel like the line:

CAMPUS OFFICER
What’s the matter? What happened? You don’t have to run away.

is entirely too long. We are focused on Hannah sprinting away, why draw the focus back to this guy? Then we talk about Nazi’s for another two pages, followed by another page where we talk about microphones. Three pages of non-relevant talking—an excuse for moviegoers to go to the bathroom, for the response to the inevitable question, “What did I miss?” would surely be, “Nothing.” Perhaps this area of the story can be revisited. Welcome would be some actual chemistry between Hannah and Lyndon, I will come back to this, some supporting character reactions to Hannah’s condition, or some way to better tie the “Ghost’s story” to “Hannah’s story.” They are both interesting stories, but what do they have to do with each other? I’m must be missing something, or maybe something isn’t as clear as it should be.

The quick cuts to the “Death Zone” scenes benefit your story. I like that we don’t see her die every time, this would be redundant. Rather, we are thrust into the Death Zone, but because we are a part of the story we almost are able to feel this death as Hannah no doubt has. I really liked a description in one of the first Death Zone scenes:

Without standing, she is standing. Without walking, she has floated to her window.

By telling us what we don’t see, we get a very good sense of what we do see. Very effective.

At the frat party, why the Hell does Laura dump beer on Hannah? If anything, Laura would have to assume Hannah passed out drunk. Why the Hell would she dump beer on her? She would have to be really dumb and a huge bitch, especially since they are getting along in the scene. What a mess, sticky hair, etc, not to mention she could choke. I don’t understand this bit.

On P. 46:
HANNAH
I will not give up this easily!

The stakes have just been raised as we saw. This line is forced and trite. I would cut it.

P. 47:
THE GHOST
I believe the brain can survive for approximately eight minutes without oxygen.

I probably would not have even considered if it wasn’t for this line, but since it is brought up, I wonder how long the brain can go without oxygen until there are lasting effects such as brain damage, especially since she dies every day. This thought sparked another, if the dying every day started and continued as long as she was at college, perhaps she would leave college? She is committed to her production and apparently has a troubled home life, so this is not a huge deal, just a thought that occurred.

P. 49: Hannah enters the empty building alone. She takes her keys, and she gains entrance.

Sounds repetitive.

Back to Lyndon. I’m not fond of his character. I don’t understand why Hannah trusts him without knowing him, and I don’t understand why he drives Hannah around door to door so she can interview each of her classmates’ parents because she thinks someone is trying to kill her. It also appears that he does so oblivious to her motivation, which is erratic to say the least. To me, a professor of Lyndon’s stature would be entirely too busy to deal with this even if he didn’t consider Hannah to be schizophrenic. She’s very pretty, this is clear from her descriptions and from the sheer volume of sexual harassment she endures day to day from every single male in your story, but she is into art and he is into science. Oil and water? I’m not sure the fate card can be pulled, even though their “souls crossed,” and even when this happens they are devastated, creating more confusion. I think this needs to be reworked or reconsidered. And as for the sexual harassment, why are all the college professors so sleazy? The Leach character is aptly named for the life he sucks out of your story. His scenes provide more convenient bathroom breaks and his advancement on Hannah is out of nowhere and utterly repulsive. Davidson is also a grease ball, but his character is consistent and entertaining. Perhaps the sleaze can be pooled to support his character and eradicated from other places, especially so the audience doesn’t start to hate too many characters.

P. 53: Was Jimmy in Football and Drama in High School? Not impossible, but difficult and rare to do both. I love Jimmy as a character despite what a monster he turns out to be. His character rings true.

P. 57: Is Laura Marie howling or is she in pain from riding a bike after having anal sex? Just curious.

The Act II climax is a scene I would love to see played out visually. Very entertaining. Bravo. Actually all three acts have very good climaxes. These are, as they should be, some of your best scenes. I also like the feeling of the curtain opening for the third act. Very dramatic, especially considering we have been there since the beginning, built the set, had auditions, etc. We are a part of the production. Now it is time for it all to be revealed. As previously mentioned the Leach bit that follows is unsettling and detracts from this.

I enjoyed how the Act III climax played out. The Hannah/Laura Marie/Jimmy storyline is strong, stronger than the Hannah/Ghost story and definitely stronger than the Hannah/Lyndon story. My only concern would be the 2-minute response time from the 9-1-1 call. Even if there are already paramedics in the building, two minutes is illogical.

So Hannah tells the Ghost she found her killer. Really? When did she discover this? Also, what does this have to do with her? It seems to magically cure her condition, which we are still left very much in the dark about. This epilogue seems very convenient, although it does shed some light and fresh air on what has been a very dark and exhausting world. The story is over, but I have one burning question in my mind despite my questioning of the functionality of the character: How did Lyndon react to his dinged-up car? This could have paid off, but since it didn’t, why is the fender bender even in the script in the first place?

HANNAH
Oh no! No. Damn! Shit. Fuck. He’s going to kill me.

Some of the strongest language in the whole story. The next time we see Lyndon, however, he’s bringing Hannah flowers.

On a final note, I like the title. I also think 1:02 would be an appropriate title.

Overall an enjoyable read. It’s a story that gets you thinking. The writing is obviously strong. I feel the ghost story that came on so strong in the first act should draw more focus in the second act so it could tie in and pay off better at conclusion. It is a very effective hook for the story and compliments the Hannah/Laura Marie/Jimmy story nicely. The Lyndon story needs reworked or reconsidered. Gallons of sweat has gone into this project, it will take several more gallons to get the most potential out of it, but it can be done. Great premise.

Some notes on the movie GREEN

I watched your movie twice and this review concerns the story, as that is what we are here to sell. First and foremost, however, my hat off to you for putting together work of this quality at that budget. My rating on the technical aspects of this movie would be higher, as you seem to have gotten the maximum production value out of your dollar and have displayed the talent to artfully and efficiently relay your vision. At base level however, I feel the story has some fundamental flaws.

I’ll start off with what I liked about the story.

-Ripp is a colorful character and he is set up quick and well. Between putting the milk back in the fridge and brushing his teeth right before he hits his bong, we get a good laugh and a great sense of who this guy is. His dialogue is probably the most consistent and the funniest throughout.

-The John Wayne knife bit is funny, but I kept waiting for it to tie back in. Why waste a great opportunity for a setup that could pay such tremendous dividends later? For example, what situation could you put your characters in that would have them thinking ‘if I only had my John Wayne knife…’?

-Buddha’s Brown Eye. Funny. All the names are good.

-Wes comes in strong. He’s a total dickhead, but a very authentic total dickhead. And he’s funny. Clearly the center of antagonism.

-I personally love the Jazzy Jeff references and even have the “Fresh Prince Slap-Psh!” in my screenplay PIPE DREAMS.

-What is their co-workers name? Is it Johnny? He’s funny, and one of my favorite bits is when he’s serving the edibles at the party. Hilarious.

-The coke scene is simple and effective. Wes is great. His “nugget” is hot. He’s chopping coke nonchalantly with a black card, and that asshole definitely would. Cole faces the dilemma of whether or not to tell Bailey about how much of a scumbag Wes is.

-Ripp’s bit with the guns had my sides hurting it was so funny. Especially the third one.

-The opening credits are phenomenal and benefit your story.

Now for what I think needs work and some things I didn’t understand.

-I don’t think Cole makes a believable character, and this is troublesome because it is his story. Cole getting in the backseat of Horatio’s car and being driven off by Ripp, to me, sums up Cole’s entire arc in metaphor. He is a passenger in his own ship and is rewarded without earning anything. From the start, we know he has both internal (love) and external (business) drives. Great, except his external needs are never hit, not head on at least and not in a compelling fashion, and his internal needs are met way too soon, and frankly couldn’t have been easier to meet.

Cole’s gangster back story isn’t very strong and conflicts with a lot of his dialogue and tendencies. Did he buy his way out of the mob? That doesn’t seem like a logical possibility, and if he did I don’t think he would settle for a minimum wage job after being a ‘top-earner’ no matter how many smoke breaks were involved.

-If Cole were college educated (how many gangsters are?) wouldn’t he have researched the laws and/or had a business plan of some sort before he spontaneously “paid more than he would have liked to” to part ways with his criminal employers and successful criminal career to move across the country and start his own business? Or being in the (illegitimate) business he was previously in, the drug game, would something like a moratorium on grower permits be relatively well-known knowledge amongst the people he associated with no matter the state? It seems implied he was selling weed and lots of it. The type of suppliers he would be dealing with would likely be knowledgeable on growing and laws, even in different states, because this could directly affect their livelihoods.

-Cole openly abandons everything he knows hoping that maybe he will run into his ex-fiancé whom has cut all contact with him, including Facebook, and moved to L.A. Cole himself says, “It’s L.A., it’s the biggest city in the world.” How convenient, then, that her new boyfriend be the boss of Cole’s long lost friend and only contact on the West Coast? Maybe this would work better if we didn’t find out about Cole and Bailey’s past until after they run into each other, and perhaps even better if the whole Philly bit was cut out. At least then the meeting could pass off as coincidental, even serendipitous, but as it stands it seems awkward and forced. I know Philly ties back in later with Horatio and the drug deal, but they are already in Cali and Cali is a big enough world for your story. Perhaps the filmmakers are from Philly and proud of it. In this case I suggest dedicating an entire movie to your beloved city, but don’t feel bad about cutting it from this one if it does not benefit the story. If not from Philly originally, I rescind the previous remark.

-I’m not sure I quite understand the montage at 21 minutes after reviewing it several times.

-The fight scenes weren’t very compelling or believable, but that could be because of your budget which I have no qualms with. As stated previously, what you have assembled with your budget is admirable.

-I don’t see Cole playing rock, paper, scissors over a girl or at all really. Isn’t he a gangster? Ripp I could see, or Johnny, but not Cole. I also would question if he would shake hands, although I liked the discrepancy between the East Coast and West Coast greetings, but the firm handshake I believe he offers threw me off. Tiny details, I know, but obviously not unnoticeable. He is so aggressive at times and very passive at others. It’s just inconsistent. Even then, he certainly has no problem wooing this girl, taking her on a date, but when, gasp, sex comes up (I’m talking about his date, not Wes and his sexy nugget on the side) Cole isn’t a gangster anymore. He’s a love-struck puppy. Inconsistencies like this make it hard for me to relate to Cole.

-What is keeping the other girl interested as Cole babbles on about how much he loves his ex who he has been apart from for six months and is currently banging a sleaze-bag? What makes Bailey desirable to Cole in the first place? And if she loved him so much, why would she have cut ties and ran away across the country?

-The tone of the story also seems a little inconsistent. It veers pretty dark a couple times and could be almost unsettling to an audience who is enjoying this high-spirited comedy. It’s almost like as a viewer I was unsure how to feel and this drew me out of the world of your story.

-Why does Bailey go back to Cole so easily and so soon? I feel like it falls flat because it was inevitable as far as story function goes, but came way too early and was by no means earned. It seemed like she noticed lipstick or something on Wes, but this was not emphasized, and besides, Wes has been a douche bag throughout. What does Cole, our hero, our protagonist, have to accomplish to obtain the sole object of his desire? Nothing. His brief speech was unconvincing, and I’m sure he didn’t say anything to her he didn’t say in Philly, ‘I’m sorry, I love you,’ etc. I’m not sold.

-How many people have keys to the Garden? It seems four people arrived at four different times.

-Why does Wes just show up at the Garden? And why does he come in blasting? And Bailey seems awful nonchalant when one of her lovers blasts the other.

-Bailey’s reaction to Wes’ skank pussy remark is very delayed. Also the fact that she whups his ass is neither funny nor beneficial to your story. I think your story suffers because of it. Once again, your hero is sitting back watching everything unfold. It’s his story, but he’s just a passenger along for the ride. He never faces the story’s only source of antagonism and instead leaves Bailey to deal with Wes.

-I wonder how large their score was and briefly questioned if it was enough for three people to disappear to Mexico for an extended time. Wes says he’s worth one million dollars. The safe itself contained sales from however long and some money from a 4/20 party right? Let’s be generous and say 100 grand. The score, unloaded at the super hook-up price on the super-quick in bulk, I would think would be in the range of another 100 – 200 grand, but I would consider myself naïve in knowing what kind of inventory the Garden of Weeden and similar establishments would actually carry.

Overall I enjoyed the movie, was impressed by the filmmakers, and would recommend others watch. I would like to hear what you think about my original screenplay PIPE DREAMS, also posted as a project here on Amazon Studios.

In PIPE DREAMS, fortunes flip for two stoners who get mixed up with pimps and drug dealers in Las Vegas. Fore more details and to download the script please check out my page.

After reading the first several pages of your script, I would like to offer some suggestions for improvement. To begin, I believe to be 10 pages in and nothing has happened. I have no idea what this story is about. That alone risks losing your audience. Compounded with several typos, some stale humor, bland character descriptions and the fact that all action in your story so far is insinuated through narration, I don’t believe a studio would give your project a chance. That being said, I would like to reserve my judgment of your story until a more polished rewrite is available.

Just some scattered thoughts, take them or leave them:

’Flight of Icarus’ Does this song tie back in SPECIFICALLY with your story? If not, it’s better to be general as music rights/licensing can be complicated.

That first block of action is very long. Generally speaking, action should be broken up, but much of this can be condensed. Also, I would capitalize my general characters the first time they are introduced as well, not just your main ones, i.e. YOUNG MAN and GOOFY GUYS.

How does the long V.O. benefit your story? As a matter of fact, for the next several pages, most of you story is comprised of V.O. Perhaps you should consider ways you can “show” us what is happening rather than “telling” us. In particular, having your main character converse with the audience blatantly reminds us that we are watching a movie, which can be undesirable if your intent is to draw the audience into your world.

That being said, consolidate. Your new first page could look something like:



FADE IN:

EXT. FANTASTICAL ROAD – NIGHT

METAL MUSIC plays. The heads of a YOUNG MAN with brown hair and THREE GOOFY GUYS hang out of a red GREMLIN. The Gremlin weaves through hovering, translucent images of pre-1983 nostalgia on a fantastical road.

The car disappears into a long tunnel. We pace from outside. At the other end, a SCOOBY DOO-TYPE VAN emerges.

INT. SCOOBY DOO VAN – NIGHT

The brown-haired young man, a pretty YOUNG GIRL, three TOUGH GUYS, a SKINNY MAN in workout attire and a MIDDLE-AGED MAN with a mustache pass a joint around. The brown-haired boy stares out the windshield at the translucent nostalgia.

Lindsay (V.O.)
It's funny how one minute you think you have your
life all figured out and the next your world gets turned
upside down.


It’s takes up less than half a page, and page space=money. Keep only what is necessary and avoid expositional dialogue. These principles can be taken and applied to the rest of your story, and you will have solid bones for which to build the meat of your story around.

Comedy is not only hard, but it is subjective. By saying some of the humor is bland, I am not trying to offend but just pointing out that it needs developed. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Consider for a moment the sheer number of movies and screenplays spun off one way or another from Star Wars. It’s an astronomical number. If you are to base humor off of such a popular trilogy, you must be extremely original and as polished as possible to avoid seeming stale. It may be funny, but what sets it apart from everything else out there? Strive to be exceptional.

Your character descriptions are bland, and coincidentally can also be compressed. They are your characters, describe them to us, but be economical. For example:

This:

LINDSAY early twenties sits at his desk in pink tighty-whiteys and writes in a composition notebook. He has a short brown hair and a fit build. There is comic books, STAR WARS action figures, and beer cans scattered on the desk. The room is messy and very clustered with comic books and clothes thrown on the floor and his bed. The walls are covered with band posters from PINK FLOYD, LED ZEPPELIN, JIMI Hendrix, and IRON MAIDEN.


Could read more like this:

LINDSAY, early twenties, short brown hair, pink briefs, fit build, writes in a composition notebook. His desk is cluttered with comics, STAR WARS action figures and beer cans.
Laundry piles form on the floor and Lindsay’s unmade bed. FLOYD, ZEPPELIN, HENDRIX and IRON MAIDEN posters decorate the walls.

A couple more slight suggestions would be to add page numbers and to capitalize the SOUNDS in your story.