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About

I've been writing novels since I was in high school. This is the first script I've written. I wrote it for my screenwriting class as part of my creative writing degree. I was surprised to learn that many of my ideas are better suited to screenplays rather than novels.
 

Reviews Donna Has Written

REQUEST FOR PROPOSAL, Zachary's Original Draft

9 out of 11 people found the following review helpful:

You stole my idea! J/K....

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
March 08, 2011
Let me just start by saying, I downloaded this because when I read the logline it sounded very much like a script idea I had for a dating contract. I never got around to writing it, and now I don't have to. You basically did it for me. ;-) This was a great script and a fun read. The idea is fresh and I can't recall anything similar already on the market.


There are some typos throughout the piece and some structural issues that can be easily addressed. Here are my basic notes:


Lots of typos.

It's seems pretty obvious that Ben is going to be the love interest. There are several scenes that focus on him, which won't serve a point if he's not in the running.

Character's have good chemistry. All of them. I especially like the natural chemistry you build between Ben and Sara.

pg 46
Isn't Spike the Creative Director? In the Scene where they present their "Control" idea to JImmy, the dialogue just says "CREATIVE DIRECTOR" Might be better to give him a name so it's clear.

"Off Sara's reaction." I see this a lot throughout the script, but I have no idea what it means.

pg. 57 - The kids little freakout scene seems a little forced and unnatural.

Funny--I'm wearing a "Where the Wild Things Are" t-shirt right this moment!

Pg 75 - BEN(off her grim look)
You know, you're not the only who got their hopes up.
He shuts the laptop, grabs it, leaves.
This seems really anticlimactic. Build more tension between them before he decides to leave.

pg 79 - The firing scene also seems weak.

pg 84 - we need to know what was said between Sara and Voldemort (sorry, don't remember his real name).

Otherwise, great job. You seem to have an excellent handle on the advertising world (I'm a former copywriter). You established her career very naturally and intertwined the man-hunt with it seamlessly. The character's had great chemistry and the dialogue was crisp and kept the story moving.


PS- I totally picture Lily being played by Judy Greer....and funnily enough, Matt could totally be her costar on Mad Love (Larry).
 

Hotel of Dreams, Jack's Original Draft

7 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

F***ING FABULOUS!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
January 20, 2011
Hotel of Dreams is an enchanting story about the famed Stephen Crane and his love affair, not only with adventure, but with the scandalous Cora Stewart. The Hotel of Dreams is a suitable title, but after finishing the script, I thought “A Thousand Days” might me a nice title. There is a lot to like about this script. The feel is authentic, the dialogue is crisp and appropriate for the period. Overall it has been well researched.

However, the script itself needs to be cleaned up. There are a lot of typos and errors in format throughout the script that may detract anyone from seriously considering it. I, however, found the script very readable despite these mistakes. But, it may annoy some. Despite this, it’s a great story with a great cast of famous literaries of the day and age.

My only bone to pick is that you bill this as a story mostly about Cora in the synopsis, but the script still largely focuses on Steven….which is okay. But the fact that Cora is the first female war correspondent was groundbreaking then….but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere for her after that one excursion. My suggestion is simply to rewrite your synopsis to play this down a bit more so readers don’t feel jipped when they find out that it’s mostly about Crane.

I can see this being a film to rival that of In Love and War and other films based on such esteemed writers.
 

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, Terry's 8th Draft

7 out of 8 people found the following review helpful:

Oh, the twists and turns!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 12, 2011
This will be short and sweet because I don’t have any suggestions for improvement. This was a very clean, easy to read script. I absolutely SAILED through it. The twists and reversals were very well placed. I thought I knew who it was, but then was surprised at the ending. You even managed to throw in an additional twist right at the end. Superb job.

One of the best things about this script is the originality of the main character. Shaylee being mute was truly unique and her lack of actual dialogue until the end does not detract from her as a believable human being.

Bravo!
 

Winter Passing, Joseph's 5th Draft

5 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Got the bones, now add some more meat!

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 12, 2011
Here is my general overview. I have a list of notes that I’ll forward on later today. Winter’s Passing is a story about a shy, lonely guy struggling to cope with his best friend’s murder. His coping mechanism appears to be the strange and mysterious Celeste. The foundation and structure are there, but I think the plot and characters need more work.

One thing that really stuck out to me was the swiftness of the relationship between Dom and Celeste. One second he’s saving her from near death and then suddenly they’re being intimate. I think it would work better for your script if you build a little more tension and interest between them, so we can see them fall in love (or what they think is love). Also, they throw around the “I love you” way too much that I don’t even believe it. IMHO, saying I love you is a copout. It gets you out of having to SHOW that she loves him or he loves her. It’ll have greater impact if we see it rather than hear it. Also, “I love you” is too direct, find another creative way to say it if you must.

To add to Celeste’s possible delusion that she’s saving the world, you should incorporate a scene where she describes the horrors of the place she came from to Dom. That way he can buy into it more and there will be an even greater question in the end of whether she is telling the truth about being from the future or totally insane. It will add a lot of value to your script if she convinces us that she really is from the future, and then doubt is cast at the end to make us feel like we were duped, too.

I agree with one of the other reviewers in questioning Manny’s presence in the script. He seems to be just a means to an end. I was expecting the two stories to converge near the end, as well, and when it didn’t I immediately wondered what Manny’s purpose was. I was beginning to think that maybe Celeste would get away with it and they’d pin the other murders on Manny. There just has to be a way to tie the two story lines together, otherwise you may have just done two separate scripts….

Overall, I found it interesting and was definitely invested in the script. The suspense was well done and I also liked the setting and the descriptions. It set the tone for the piece. Areas I think you need to focus on are interweaving the story lines a little better and character development, especially Manny.

Good job!
 

Villain, Richard's 9th Draft

7 out of 10 people found the following review helpful:

Very Entertaining!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
January 04, 2011
Overall, I really enjoyed this script. It was very entertaining, a smooth read and even a little heart warming. My only suggestion for improvement is to develop/explain better the motivation of Develin's reason for joining the villain's team. That was the only thing that was a little unclear.

Another thing I noticed, and you'll forgive me because of the .rtf format I don't know page numbers or anything, is that it seems you spend a lot of time building up Savages situation before reaching the turning point where he decides to help Agent Cox. According to my scrollbar, we were almost halfway through before Savage began to accept that he might actually be good.

I really loved your pop culture references and the literary references. The only thing that concerns me is whether they would remain throughout the development process. Fingers cross that they do.

This was really great! Thanks for sharing.

Donna Cooper Ho
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/3630
 

Favorite Movies

The Princess Bride, The Goonies, Hope Floats, The Lord of the Rings, Iron Man, Star Trek, Slumdog Millionaire....and so many more.
 

Influences

I was most heavily influenced by J.K. Rowling, just because of her growth as a writer throughout the entire Harry Potter series.
 

Following

5 People