Karon Aghotte (Redondo Beach)

This is a story about second chances. But its central theme, making the same choices but living them differently, is something unique and that really touched me. Who among us wouldn't like this same opportunity for any part of our lives?

I'm not usually a big fan of opening narration -- most people use it as a cheat -- but Lyle uses it succintly and it drew me in. I connected with the 80-something Sylvie immediately. Her sorrow over what she perceives as a lost life is, I'm afraid to say, a dread that far too many people experience at the end.

Once she became her younger self, I thoroughly enjoyed the voice of experience and sassiness of an old lady in the body of a young girl. When she first meets the younger Jack, Lyle handles it perfectly. Their banter -- his deep confusion over her knowledge and disapproval of him -- was totally fun. I loved him right away and could easily see how she would fall for him again.

Claire was fine, as an impetus for what was about to happen to Sylvie. She serves her purpose well. Ivan was a hoot although at times I felt he was a little too smart for his fifteen years.

Burt. Hmmmm. I couldn't a handle on him and why he was here and why he so quickly fell for her. I think the other reviewer here has a nice solution: perhaps make Sylvie the one who got away from him. It's an easy fix to bring him up to the level of the others. I don't think you need to necessarily make him more likable -- I'm not from the school where every character has to have something "salvagable" about them -- just more significant in her life somehow.

There are several precious moments here between the young Sylvie and Jack. Their final dialogue during and after the flash flood when she has him so utterly bewildered was a joy to read. His comment after she pledges her love for him and their life, about just wanting a date, maybe a pizza and a movie, made me laugh outloud. I love this guy!

I also love a guy who can write romantic comedies with strong female leads. Lyle easily found Sylvie's soul. Is she inspired by someone in his life? I tend to think so. Whoever she is, wherever she came from, I would love to see her come alive in this film.

Wonderful job, Lyle.

This is a very well-crafted script that made me laugh out loud many times! By the time T&J meet Natalie, I could already see Ashton Kutcher as Jerry.

I found the banter between Tom and Jerry (as a fan of the cartoon when I was a kid, sorry, I just can't think of them the other way around!) absolutely delightful and very clever. Michael has captured the co-existing arrogance and bewilderment of twenty-something guys perfectly. Overall it was a very fun read.

Some specific things:

The concept: Since there are, indeed, real life pirates out there actually murdering tourists, it could be a bit dangerous itself. The scenes of them practicing before they head after the Havana could hit some as insensitive. But not convinced it's enough to worry about.

The characters: I wouldn't change a thing about Tom and Jerry and I love how the cartoon characters are related to them. It's an immediate laugh for anyone who remembers it. Natalie, however, frustrated me sometimes. After having known T&J for just a matter of days, is it believable that she would actually stick with them after she got her hands on the money? Not sure. Tom at that point is pretty much a baffoon yet she's flirting with him like crazy. Perhaps it might be wise to turn him more into the ninja she ends up loving a bit sooner. I saw Kat coming but that's okay.

Carlton as a neighbor comes out of the blue and we don't know who he is until he shows up on the Havana. Perhaps a quick scene with him and the gang once they get to their island might help. Again, not a biggie.

Scenes: Several scenes are comedy at its best. The first time we see Tom at the computer naked and wearing his mask was a surprising and hilarious reveal. Loved it. However, the opening sequence of Natalie with her father dying seemed a bit trite to me. Having a wounded character spill his guts (figuratively) and getting everything out just before he dies has been done a million times. You might wish to consider something more unique, something that rises to the level of the rest of your script.

The narrative: nice, clean, effective. However, you've allowed so much space, often double spacing between one or two lines. Your pages are currently running 109. I'm betting if you tighten up the line spacing of your narrative, you'll get closer to 90 pages.

A sense of place: Only when I got to page 58, I think, did I have any idea where this story was taking place. Set up Miami from the get-go. And, add "Miami" to location slugs like Cat Kay Island. Same with "Bahamas" to the Great Exume Hotel.

I could easily see my hubby and I enjoying this flick during our Friday Night Movie/Martini Night and laughing our butts off! Very, very nice job, Michael.

What a fantastic read! Such a great twist on an already-thriving genre. I was captivated from the first moment and the story held me to the very end. There are so few things wrong, I'm hesitant to even mention them because they didn't draw from the drama in any way. But I will mention one: Unless I missed it, I'm not sure how Sarah got the mil.5?

As I woman, I loved seeing her so empowered. Many great moments with her, especially the moment when she and the Stranger duck to hide from Cooper's flashlight. Surprising and powerful. Imagine being in this situation where you and the bad guy have to cooperate.

I would be thrilled if this script made it to the finals and ultimately made into one of AS' films. It would be extremely well deserved.

Congratulations on a wonderful job, Jim.

I loved this script. The first act is riveting and yes, while it echoes Cast Away (one of my favorite films), it offers an extraordinary opportunity for a solid actor to attack the role with real chops. The narrative on Jane's treacherous existence in the wilderness is fantastic. It's so concisely written with a creative hand that I could easily visualize every moment. Justin is a wonderful writer.

I do, however, share some of the concerns reflected in the other reviews here.

My biggest: Why in the world, when she finally arrives back in civilization -- the restaurant -- doesn't she either tell the waitress what's happened or bigger question yet, call the police? This misstep dilutes all the previous great work and makes us wonder about her sensibilities. Surely she would think of this.

Even tho' I'm not a mother myself, I am a woman and the actions of Jane's mother disturbed me. I get that she and Jane's father had been staying together for Jane's sake -- happens all the time and I don't blame her for moving on. What bothers me is her cold, professional reaction to Jane's return. She must have a heart made of concrete. But while this makes me not like the mother, it doesn't damper my enthusiasm for the script on the whole.

As far as Matthew is concerned, I thought he fit in nicely and served his purpose. I would actually extend the ending with Jane's visit to his daughter to build one slightly more emotional. They both lost their fathers, after all.

Finally, Justin may want to up Jane's age to a senior, seventeen or eighteen. Granted, she's a survivor, but to know she's going out on her own at fifteen presents some obvious issues: How will she get a job? Into another school? Get a place to live?

I would expect that Justin has probably dealt with many of these issues in his second draft. I'll look forward to reading that one soon!

Fantastic job, Justin!!!

This story took me nowhere I expected it to go and that's a good thing! Madison Chase, local TV reporter and adventure hound, takes us and her partner, Bud, along for one hell of a ride.

Bel has found a very fun and unpredictable storyline (can't even imagine where it came from!) but I would have loved it, rather than just liked it alot, if it were at least twenty or thirty pages shorter. My favorite part is the dialogue, although I do agree with David that it too often takes us dangerously close to sexploitation, a definite hard sell in mainstream entertainment, if that's where she wishes to take it. And, yes, sometimes it does get rather corny, especially in the end. Do we really need to have Madison and Bud be in love? I'm not convinced. It was the only thing in the entire script that felt too pat to me.

There's a tremendous amount of action which is very cool. It's very well written. Wish I could do that!

It does have a very strong Tarantino feel to it and I'm a big fan of his. If you could get this into that guy's hands, Bel would probably have a done deal.

Character-wise, I felt there were a few too many. Damage (love that name!) and Swade come in handy a few times, but otherwise, they distracted me. I wonder if eliminating them entirely might help make this the tight script it absolutely deserves to be.

I'm a big action-adventure fan and it is possible to generate great emotion in that genre. But I felt the constant action and the numerous characters here prevented the possibility of some good, strong emotion.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed it and hope that Bel takes some small, necessary steps to make this a real killer script.

Matthew, I really enjoyed your script. Number one, I really liked Jer! At first, I didn't expect to but before long, I found him a compelling and likable character. I also appreciated the dynamics between him and Marcia. Very real-life. As a career woman and without the gene that demands a brood of kids, and with many female friends who struggle with the same issues as Marcia, I could certainly relate to her concerns about what another pregnancy would mean to her.

A couple of notes: Sometimes I found the flashbacks/visions/dreams a little overwhelming, especially when they ran one after another. They were interesting (and cooly sexy) but sometimes they took me out of the story. There was nice escalation to them, however.

The biggest note from me is that in spite of the likability of your characters, they lacked a certain emotional depth for me. I don't know how to explain it...the situations are definitely emotionally-charged, but I just didn't get much emotion from the characters themselves.

Structurally, I would've enjoyed seeing some of the high drama that begins around page 70-ish a bit sooner.

These are all things that can easily be addressed, should you choose to. Very nice job.