Carl S Scenic New Jersey

"Cooties" is a great concept. I mean, what kid doesn't go through a few years in fear of contracting this horrible (if imaginary) disease!? So for capitalizing on it, you're already gonna draw in people just on the nostalgia factor alone.

What's even better is that you come up with an outlandish premise, that your world is divided into male and female halves, yet you manage to pull it off. At first I was wondering how you could sustain something this implausible through the entire story but after about 5 minutes of watching, it just becomes natural to the story. So i must say "well done".

As far as working as a feature film, I'd say "Cooties" is as strong as any romantic comedy out there today. The writing and the structure of the story are excellent, giving the film a continuous feeling of moving forward.

At the same time, you're able to insert a lot of great sight gags and one-liners as you go. Very often, a script fumbles around with the comedic moments, but in "Cooties" it all fits together quite seamlessly. I laughed hardest at "That's just what the wall wants me to do!" That was great. I also loved the moment when the baby was about to be spiked like a football. "Don't spike the baby." Good stuff like this pops up throughout the script.

As an actual spec script, I'd say there are two possibilities to make it even more appealing. The first is to go even more in the direction of the outlandish bromances of today, such as "Horrible Bosses" and "The Hangover". Currently, "Cooties" plays it kinda safe. You do have the "fantasy" element going for you, which creates a nice fairy tale setting, but there could be opportunities if you wrote a draft with some gross-out humor in it as well (just in case you pitch it to someone looking for such a thing).

I'm not saying scrap the current draft, but if you had one version of the story amped up with some gratuitous humor, you could target a younger and broader demographic.

The other possibility I see, which is more like a potential draw-back is this. Romantic comedies appeal (and are marketed toward) women more than men. "Cooties" however, is much more a story about the male side than the female (or so it felt to me). So while you might have cross-over appeal, the story as it is might not have as big an affect on your female audience (and/or female readers who might be given this spec to evaluate).

Lastly, I want to applaud you on what must have been tons of work and many hours of labor putting this test film together. It's such a great project and the end result was really enjoyable to watch.

This is an intense film. Part documentary, part torture-horror movie it comes off as a "found footage" film with a real message.

Technically, it's deceptively simple. By which I mean it's not simple at all. The montages and editing are really clever and effective, delivering the message for each sequence while cutting back to the visceral fear and torture scenes to keep the adrenaline flowing and your audience listening.

There's even some great sardonic humor in there. The scene where you disposed of the IRS agent is both funny, with the asides in the dialog, and yet remains dark and cringe-worthy.

Lastly, a lot of credit has to be given to your cast of victims. I know it must take a lot of energy to do scenes like that, where the character has to be in a heightened state of terror for an extended period. And since you do very long takes, I know there had to be some emotionally exhausted actors after a day of shooting. I give them all a TON of credit.

I have heard some of your views in the past. Jack Van Impe is one televangelist who often warns about the Bilderbergs and the One-World order, but obviously, he's not going to deliver the message in the way you have. In general, I'm a moderate person in my beliefs, but your film was still very interesting and compelling to me.

Anyway, I was really drawn in by your film. It's pretty extreme and not for everyone but you deliver your message without pulling any punches and you also entertain with the vicarious experience of captivity and torture that so many modern films have adopted since the "Saw" series hit so big.

The story boards look great so far. I can't wait to see the final cut with dialog.

The Pinstriped Primates Review


RATINGS DETAILED

Overall (3) GOOD: The idea is GREAT, the execution is GOOD. It’s not bad, I just don’t think that this script will overcome the competition right now.

Premise (5) EXCELLENT: I can see a whole series of films come out of this idea, including video games and all sorts of marketable elements!

Structure (3) GOOD: The story is sequenced and sensible as it is but it isn’t dramatic nor does it make any significant turning points.

Character (4) VERY GOOD: I like the Primates. You could develop you antagonists more, though. Have the bad guys stay in pursuit of the primates, develop the bad guys a little along the way and you’ll add a ton of tension and excitement.

Dialog (3) GOOD: The dialog was hilarious at moments and ordinary in others. I’d call it a mixed bag. Nothing bad but some scenes just don’t rise to the top.

Emotion: (4) VERY GOOD: In the end, I wasn’t completely invested in the results of the wrestling match because there seemed to be very little at stake for you heroes except money. To change this, you should make their loss mean something more personal is at stake. During the middle of the story I was very much engaged, and that’s why I give this rating 4 stars instead of 5.
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READING NOTES
Overall “The Pinstriped Primates” is an enjoyable read and an winning premise, too. The idea here is solid, the three primates are distinct characters and the course of the story is very good. The biggest problem I saw with this script is that it could be written more tightly. By this I mean there seem to be some scenes that don’t need to be there (perhaps included as filler or just for a laugh but lacking context) and the structure could be tighter. The biggest structure weakness for me was that I thought you should have the three brothers together by page 30 and have their reunion be the turning point into act 2.

Anyway, here are my reading notes:
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One problem that you could address to improve the readability of your script is to avoid the passive voice. Look for the word “is” and whenever you see it, you’re slipping up. For example, just in your opening description, you could put your reader in the present tense with a few minor tweaks.

YOU HAVE THIS: “The lab is filled with scientific equipment, computers and so forth. In one corner sits a cage- empty. In another corner is a small television set. Chained in front of a console is the lone primate kept in the lab- ARNO. In appearance he is halfway between a gorilla and a human being.”

DOES THIS READ BETTER?: “An empty cage sits in the corner of a lab filled scientific equipment, including computers and other diagnostic devices. ARNO, the labs lone primate, has been chained to one of the consoles. Arno appears to be a hybrid gorilla and human being.”

Or something like that . It’s also shorter, which tends to happen with more active tense.

And just for a later example on page 65: “Beppo is watching television” could be “Beppo watches television”
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Tom call Arno “big guy” in two consecutive dialog lines. Remove one?
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On page 12, you’re repeating information already given about Arno’s family.
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I think you have an opportunity when Arno leaves that lab to insert some conflict. Why not have a security system or a security guard that Arno has to outwit to make his escape? As it is, your opening is a little tame and perhaps not as compelling or exciting as you’d want in a Kids-n-Family comedy. Kids love sequences where the hero has to outwit or circumvent some sort of obstacle.

It’s also a way to demonstrate what Arno is the “troublemaker”. What if he gets spotted by the security guard and in the ensuing chase, he used his banana peel to make the guard slip? Lots of opportunity here that you haven’t taken advantage of.
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Regis and Kathie Lee! I love that.
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Nairobi’s escape is great. Arno’s should be just as exciting!
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“We are looking for adventure or whatever comes our way.” Oh,. Man, now I gotta go listen to the whole song!!!
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The way Arno and Nairobi find Beppo feels very contrived and coincidental. They just round a corner and there is their little brother, the organ grinder’s monkey? I didn’t buy it.

My suggestion would be that instead of having Arno and Nairobi go for a beer when they first meet is to have them decide to find Beppo and then do some research. Maybe they go back to the records when Nairobi was sold to the circus, which leads them to an exotic animal dealer who they get to confess and tell them “I sold that monkey to the organ grinder! He works on the corner of Fifth and Main!”

Something like that makes your protagonists (Arno and Nairobi) active heroes. You can develop their character and add a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction for your audience. Let your heroes drive the sequence of events, not coincidence.
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You might want to re-think having the gorillas go for a beer if this is gonna be a kids-n-family story. Maybe root beer?
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The fight scene with Hubert and Buford fell a little flat for me. Maybe try something unusual or more exciting than just punches, ducking and kicks. It’s a bar, use the environment in some way. It could use a little something.
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As I read into page 50, I’m liking the whole visual idea of these three primates reuniting and going on some adventures, getting in trouble and generally creating some chaos. It’s pretty funny overall, too, with a few real solid laughs.

I like how you set up Vlad and The Strangler to be the match. I’m actually pumped to read through the wrestling match!
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“Let’s get ready to rumble” is actually a trademarked line. You can’t have anyone say it in a movie except for Michael Buffer himself, with permission of HBO.
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“Use guerrilla tactics!” Another good laugh!
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I like the addition of the mobsters but you should have them show up earlier to add some conflict to your story. There is almost no conflict at all. A fight scene isn’t conflict, a difficult situation, presenting a difficult decision that requires problem-solving is. If the mobsters show up earlier, there will be an underlying tension that could really enhance your story.
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You might also want to introduce the Plug Uglies earlier, too. Maybe Rufus and Arno can watch one of their matches on TV (or – better yet - the three primates can watch one of the matches together) and you can show the Plug Uglies utterly destroy some wrestlers. This will make the Plug Uglies a menacing antagonist. Show your reader/audience just how dangerous these Plug Uglies are.
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WRAP UP

This story is a great idea hampered by a script that lacks struggle and conflict.

The finale is too easy. The primates never seem to face any tough obstacles nor do they seem to grow and change in a positive way.

I also think if you’re going to end the story by saying that Lucretia and Dr. Wilcox and the Organ Grinder will be coming after them, that you should insert moments in the story where these antagonists try to re-capture their respective primates.

One other way to add some tension or suspense would be to have the three primates decide that they want to get back to their family much earlier in the story. Have then realize that they need lots of money to get home. This can be why they enter the wrestling match in the first place. Now, if they lose, we know what’s at stake. They will not be able to see their family again.

As you have it, there’s really nothing at stake. If they lose, they don’t get money. That’s not a big deal, really.

So, just to repeat myself, I’d say you have a wonderfully marketable idea here but before it’s ready for prime-time, you need to write it more cinematically, with conflict (personal and physical) and have some higher stakes at risk. Maybe add an element of friction between three brothers, too, that they need to resolve. There needs to be a point in every story where it looks like you protagonists are going to fail and at the last moment, they change in a positive way to resolve the problem.

All the best. I will happily look at the next draft. This concept is pure gold!

Drop me a line with any questions!


PAGE NOTES

Page 5:
- “The(y) clear the furniture”
- Something missing in this line: “Rufus his smaller opponent…”

PAGE 12: “Oh, yeah” needs a period or question mark.

PAGe 13: “Dr. Wilcox” Cap “Wilcox”

PAGE 31: “eightytwo” should be “eighty-two”

PAGE 46: “lined up for tonight. (no period here, make it one sentence) And two of my wrestlers”

PAGE 59: “title shot is your(s)”

PAGE 66: “Arno walks pa(s)t an open door”

PAGE 69: This line is written as action but I think it’s supposed to be dialog: That's enough with the weights. Hoss, get into the harness.

PAGE 71: “$5.99 buffets?” wasn’t it $6.99 earlier?

PAGE 81: “the promoter li(k)e that.”

PAGE 82: “We PUT a few bets”

PAGE 93: “For us(comma) too.”

This short opening scene from your feature script is really well made. The artistic style, the use of sound effects and the overall feel of excitement combine into one excellent short piece. I enjoyed it so much, it has made me anxious to see more!

I think if you had some live actors to do the main voices, you could have a real contender for one of the contests here at Amazon Studios if/when you make the entire feature.

I guess the way to describe the art is "cell shading"? I've always loved this technique. It captures a sense of reality while at the same time, making the visuals more interesting and vibrant.

Well done!

RATINGS DETAILED

Overall (4) VERY GOOD: It not bad. Funny but your dialog is too “on the nose” right now. If you can go in there and make the dialog a bit more vibrant and cinematic, it’ll do a lot to improve the script. At first, I thought this was gonna be 3-stars but the script really takes off after the mid-point and earned an extra star!

Premise (3) GOOD: Two people reuniting at a reunion, each with their own hopes of what will transpire, it’s not completely original but you handled it pretty well and came up with some funny characters to populate the story with. You also give us plenty of complications and sub-plots to keep it interesting.

Structure (4) VERY GOOD: You’ve got all the turning points and plot twists in the right places. Things don’t escalate and your stakes don’t get raised much in the first 50 pages but once they do, things go into overdrive.

Character (4) VERY GOOD: You made characters we could care about and gave them all distinct goals to reach for. Good job.

Dialog (3) GOOD: This is where I think you should invest most of your efforts in the next draft. You’ve got the story, characters and basic structure for an excellent screenplay but right now, your dialog drags it down a notch. This is always my toughest oart to get right as well, I have to go back through three or four drafts before my dialog feels even mildly acceptable.

Emotion: (3) GOOD: I found myself rooting for your protagonists to get together and work thing out and in the end, you deliver satisfactory closure for all involved. When you go in for another draft, this will certainly carry over. Well done!



NOTE:

This is a solid script. It starts off a little shaky but redeems itself in the end. As you’ll see by my reading notes, I wasn’t nearly as impressed by the first half of the script as I was with the second half. It’s in need of work but has tons of promise!
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READING NOTES

You want to make a good impression on anyone who reads your script but there are several grammatical errors, formatting errors and typos that come off as unprofessional. So, right off the bat I can tell you that you should edit this thing carefully and/or hire an editor to do it for you. This is too competitive a business to submit scripts loaded with simple errors.
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Your dialog is humorous but tends to be very much “on the nose”. It wasn’t too bad until the first scene with Dabney and Addison, when they discuss the events of the reunion. You might want to try and work some subtext into it instead of just using pure exposition to explain what the audience has already seen. Basically what’s happening in this scene is Dabney and Addison “tell” the reader/audience exactly what we just watched.

The first conversation with Heidi is also exposition and then we have Dabney talk to herself while browsing for info. Instead of having her talk to herself, which is a device that rarely works well in film, just use INSERTS and “show” the computer screen as she searches. When she sees “Tekkie” then you can have her say “Ewwww.” I believe that would work much better.
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“I can't. I told you he has powers.” That’s funny!
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After a flashback, I think it’s proper to put

END FLASHBACK

Then start with a new scene heading, like this:

INT. ST. REGIS BAR – NIGHT
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I like the moment when Dabney plucks Tommy’s nose hair. That’s good dialog, too!
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Your first act wraps up very well. You’ve got Dabney taking on the story to cover Kingsley’s project. You’ve got the basics down pretty solid.

You’ve done a good job setting up all your characters, too.
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The montage and daydreams at the holistic retreat are fun and funny. Great visuals!
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Ha! The “starving kitty” story is a funny moment.
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When Dabney changes her story (around page 49) you run the risk of making your protagonist unlikable. I realize this is a comedy but we have to sometimes consider how low we want our protagonists to sink in order to achieve their goals. With Dabney wanting revenge on Kingsley, you don’t want Dabney to do things that show her as a “bad person” you want to have her do things out of desperation. But we’ll see how things pan out…
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During the FLASHBACK on page 53 I got confused between DEBBIE and DABNEY. I think you should change Debbie’s name to something less like Dabney. This happened to me earlier at the reunion scene, too, but I didn’t think Debbie was coming back.
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The flashbacks around pages 63-64 jump around from year-to-year (1997 and 1999) but there’s really no way of the audience knowing. You might want to set these flashbacks in places where there can be a banner with the year or maybe SUPERIMPOSE the year? Do something to indicate the jumps in time.
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Nice twist with Heidi and Vance! Now the story gets more intriguing!
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“I would have worn bitch but I hate showing up in the same outfit as someone else.” Ha! Funniest line so far!
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I really like Dabney’s whole drunken sequence. Good stuff.

In fact, your script is the opposite of what I find with many reads. It actually gets stronger toward the end. Many scripts start strong but run out of gas. I think you’re second half is great. There are fewer errors and the story gets really fun with its complications and back-stabbing and plots. If you get the first half as good as the second half, this will be a really marketable and hilarious comedy.
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I liked how you brought things back around to the holistic center. That’s good “book-ending”. Funny scene, too, with the “silence” and all.
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Nice ending, too. A return to “the prom”. Everyone’s story wraps up nicely. Feels good!
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WRAP UP

Not a bad story. Lots of funny moments and gags lead to some laughs. The two things you really want to address for future drafts are the dialog, as I’ve discussed previously and fix the errors (typos, grammar, format and etc).

This script has plenty of potential. You have a good grasp of the screenwriting basics but you just need to invest some time polishing it up so that it’s more “presentable”. The first half of the script needs the most work. If you take the time and effort to get the next draft polished up, I think you’ll be well on the way to having a marketable script.


PAGE NOTES

You should include a scene heading to open the story, such as: INT. CONVENTION ROOM

PAGE 1: Hyphenate: “Past-their-prime ALUMNI”

PAGE 2: INT. AIRPLANE – SAME. Don’t use “SAME” here, just use NIGHT or DAY. Besides, you’ve used SAME to start a scene but there’s no scene heading for the opening of your script, so it would be “same” what?

PAGE 2: You have to hyphenate your descriptors: “Dabney's still-pretty-at-55 MOM fills”

PAGE 3: “silo-shaped store.”

PAGE 4: “INT. DABNEY'S CHILDHOOD HOME - LIVING ROOM” You keep having scene headings with no NIGHT or DAY. You need to have one or the other on every scene heading.

PAGE 5: “Which ever turns you on” should be “whichever”.

PAGE 7: “eye load of me.” Should be “eye-load” or “eyeful”.

Is “cintaur” supposed to be “centaur”?

PAGE 11: “didn't it(comma) (C)ouncilman Vance?”

PAGE 11: Again, hyphenate or put these things in quotes: “stunning-with-the-brains-to-match” and “feel-good project.”

PAGE 14: “(It’ll) never happen.”

PAGE 14: Hyphenate! “knowledge(-)seeking life.”

Hyphens: Just a note to let you know that when you make compound modifiers, you have to hyphenate them. I can’t stop to address all of these, there are just too many, so I strongly suggest you go into your script and fix them. Either that, or stop using them. It would just make a better impression on a reader if these mistakes aren’t cropping up every couple of pages.

PAGE 18: “(voicemail) light blinks.”

PAGE 19: “(nowhere) near ready.

PAGE 22: “kerb” = “curb”

PAGE 22: “whoever” is one word.

PAGE 25: “want(s) to get back”

PAGE 29: “INT. NEWS STATION” NIGHT or DAY?

PAGE 32: “(worthwhile) use?”

PAGE 39: Use an INSERT for Dabney’s journal.

PAGE 46 “THAT NIGHT” shouldn’t be in a scene heading.

PAGE 48: “No(comma) bank it with the others.”

PAGE 51: “You've had your week(comma) Acres.”

PAGE 53: Okay, this is just a nit-pick but how does one push up glasses with their elbow? ;)

PAGE 58: “TWO A.M.” Also not for a scene heading. I’m not trying to be too picky but put this stuff in your action text. Use NIGHT or DAY.

PAGE 58: At the end of the montage, include a BACK TO SCENE or start a new scene heading.

PAGE 61: “I've drank” should be “I drank or I’ve drunk” or just “I’ve had”

PAGE 84: “kerb” = “curb”