Semifinalist: Best Script, Best Horror Script
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About
I used to work in editorial in LA around '95-'01. After the death of traditional animation here in the states, my husband found himself out of a career. After 9/11, he decided to enter the US Border Patrol. We pulled up stakes and lived in AZ for about 5 years, during which time my husband came up with the idea for WASTELAND. After getting his northern border transfer in '06, we moved up here to ND. I've been getting back into writing since then, something I've always loved to do. Now if I could just get paid for it. ;)
Reviews Lorinda Has Written
The Locals, Elliott's Original Draft
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I could see this getting made...
March 12, 2011
Favorite Movies
Too many to name them all. But I have a good bit of them listed on my FB profile.
Influences
My current favorite writer-directors are Frank Darabont, Christopher Nolan, Joseph Kosinski (I'm a total TRON nut now). But for all time, most influential -- I'd have to say Hitchcock, Coppola, Kubrick, Ridley Scott, James Cameron and John Carpenter.
I downloaded this a while back but haven't had the time to read it until now. Sorry about that. Just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed the script. Reminded me a lot of 'The Wicker Man' (the original, that is). It also seems to fall right in line with Michael Bay's recent batch of old horror remakes -- I can definitely see this as one of those.
One thing the script really has going for it is brevity. It's the perfect length for the kind of story it is. In my experience writing scripts, they always want it shorter no matter what it's about -- but certain genres definitely have an expected length, like kids' movies, for example. You'll never see one over 100 minutes. Most will be anywhere from 85-95. Same with this kind of thriller/horror story. As much as I hacked down my own script, I can't seem to get it below 120 -- so good for you.
I also like your mains' dialogue. Jake and Grace both speak very naturally, there's some good humor in their scenes, and for the most part I bought their relationship. However, they could both stand to be a bit more fleshed out to give them both more depth. I'd expand on the whole Grace going back to school conflict for that.
The 'Locals' dialogue tends to be much stiffer -- which is to be expected, to some extent -- but if it were me, I would go back over and tweak it, especially that of the Priest. He's the one we're supposed to be watching, the source of the townspeople's insanity. As is, he has some good presence, but he needs to be more convincing for the whole thing to work. More insight into the reasons for his actions would help.
Now of course, to do all this, you need to free up space in the script. The best way to do this is to shorten your descriptions of things. You write them well, but in order to make room in such a short script for what's really important (character development), stick with a minimum amount of description. For example, your fight scenes go on at great length -- if you can cut those down to just the important points in the action, you'll have a good bit of space right there.
One other thing, you definitely need to get this in a proper format. I'm not sure if it's the RTF conversion or what, but all your text (except for dialogue and slug lines) comes out in really huge type and in italics. If you haven't already, I would download Celtx -- it's a free scriptwriting program and it's really good. No bugs, no viruses, no ads, nothing like that. I used it myself until I could afford Final Draft. Using it will give you a good crash course in proper formatting. Also -- check your spelling. I kept seeing 'alter' -- which should be 'altar,' stuff like that. Easiest way to turn off a reader is bad spelling and improper grammar.
Other than all that, LOL -- I'd say good work -- with some fairly simple revising, you'll have a very slick script on your hands. Good luck to you!