Stephen Ruiz (New York)

-playing racial and orientational stereotypes far too hard. The key is subtlety. Stanley on the Office and Shirley on 30 Rock are both very clearly black characters in a cultural sense, but they're not written as cartoons. Your characters aren't necessarily bad, but they're painted with too broad of a brush and sometimes, I physically rolled my eyes at how clear it was that they were written by a middle-class white male who has had limited experience with minorities.
-the computer shorting out. It might be a little too absurd in context (the whole catching on fire thing, not the computer being ruined), and one of my pet peeves is when computers are portrayed unrealistically in screenplays. The whole skull and crossbones thing; in this day and age, we all have computers, we've all had crashes, and we all know that there's no skull and crossbones. With a spill situation, either the keyboard would stop working or it'd shut off. If you were to change the circumstances of the crash, it'd be a blue screen for a Windows machine, kernel panic (black screen, white text) for a *nix machine, and a sadmac for a Mac.
-Okay, never mind on the absurdity comment; as soon as I got to the next page, I saw that this script is intended to get progressively more absurd. Still, with this premise, and this criticism may be premature, but I'd say maybe tone it down a bit. The absurdity should come from either the characters or the premise, and when you have a ton of ridiculousness coming from both, it's a bit hard to swallow.
-Cut Thanh's thing about 'Nam. Cut it completely. Don't look back. I'm sorry, but it is utter crap, to the point where I had to stop reading and type this.
-"I think I'm a lesbian." "Me too." Well done, sir. That played just right.
-McManus driving the back seat of his car - cut it. Another pet peeve of mine is people writing alcohol or weed as though they do things they don't. I know you've been drunk before; I sincerely doubt you tried to drive the back seat of a car.
-Watch episodes of Entourage featuring Lloyd to gain some insight on how to write a stereotypically gay character without going overboard, which you have certainly done.
-video games don't really have levels anymore, and since you're trying to appeal to an age demographic that features a lot of gamers, you should probably think about that, because I always hear complaints from them about that. Maybe, "I've been working on this goddamn boss fight for twelve hours."
-a lot of the one-liners are forced. I see what you're going for, but you can't take the throw-it-all-at-the-wall approach to comedy writing. Watch your favorite comedies before you start on the next draft. See how they handle jokes.
-Subtlety. Subtlety. Subtlety.
-More 'Nam stuff? Honestly, that's by far your weakest material. By leaps and bounds. It really, really needs to be cut. It's annoyingly unfunny.
-Too much telling about the Dennis/McKinley conflict. There's none of it that's particularly weak or anything, but it feels like you're beating us over the head with it.
-Grandma's Boy. Suddenly, I realize that you have watched Grandma's Boy one too many times. That movie is an exception, not the rule. It works in spite of itself.
-switch paintball to airsoft. Paintball guns don't really look like real guns, but airsoft guns do.
-It's 2010. No Sixth Sense jokes. Never again.
-This is just speculation, but I don't think alligators are terribly susceptible to paintballs.
-The "She's so hot" line and Latoya's threats are repeated far, far too much. A good rule of thumb is to not repeat a running joke more than three times in a script. It's not always the case, but more often than not.
-work on the ending. Too many ridiculous happy endings at once. This isn't the '80s/'90s. That doesn't fly anymore.
-Nintendo doesn't publish third-party games, and I wouldn't name drop a company like that anyway.