Trina Sedgwick (Joppa)

I had a series of concerns:
*The bold lettering you use is distracting. You should just capitalize your characters.
*Speaking of CAPS, all your sounds need to be capitalized, as well as first introductions of new characters.
*Where you have "We hear a postal official" isn't needed.
*Don't write, we see on the screen, one month later. All you need to do is write SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER. That shows its superimposed across the screen.
*You should change how you write SWANN Iiiiiaaaahhhh! Why not simply say Swann screams.
*Your dialogue does sound natural, but it's entirely to wordy. This is a script, not a book. You need to trim all unnecessary words, actions, and scene descriptions.
*You use to many headings. You should try slug lines or a series of intercuts. It stops the script from flowing smoothly.
*Overall I like the concept, but where was the hook? You need something in at least the first ten pages to capture the viewers interest. Why not have the postal carnage at the beginning and flashback from there.

I hope it helps your future drafts.

Very well written. The only thing I have a problem with is that your sounds aren't all in CAPS. This doesn't seem like a first time effort. Great job.

Very well written script. The concept is original but not commercial enough. You should really think about changing the ending. It was as if you took the easy way out.

You should get rid of the Cont'd, they're not necessary. All your SOUNDS should be in CAPS, example, sighs, blubbers, laugh, etc. Please try to show more, not tell more. Your dialogue runs on too much. It needs to be broken up with action.

The dialogue isn't natural. Not only that, but you shouldn't be using CAPS in it. If a character is shouting just do it like this (shouting) under the character name. Your story is very confusing. The relationship with Ted seemed to fast your pace was way off. You should also fix your time elapse. It wasn't clear between searching for Jack and Jack being declared dead. I hope this helps.

Your formatting is still off. I can't tell if it's narrators, voice overs, or all a dream. Clarify it a little more. Your script has a definite niche, but not a large one. It play into a lot of stereotypes that as a black woman needs to be changed.