Latest Work
Credits in 2 works
Scripts
| Credits | Works | Average Rating | Downloads | Date Created |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Writer |
The Lucky Sixpence Rhett's Original Draft (Script 1) |
4.0 stars
(2)
|
11 | 03/19/11 |
| Writer |
Baby Face Tiger Rhett's Original Draft (Script 1) |
3.3 stars
(3)
|
18 | 01/12/11 |
Reviews Rhett Has Written
Celestial Vikings, Foluso's 4th Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
interesting kernel for a script, execution needs work
May 04, 2011
BALI BREAKS, Kathy's Original Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
promising!
May 01, 2011
Hi Kathy:
Bali Breaks has some intriguing potential. I love the setting, and you did an excellent job of focusing only on Skip's story and not getting side-tracked by subplots. Your writing is clear and easy to follow, and I breezed through the script quite quickly.
A few issues kept me from from giving it a higher rating. I outline them below, and hope that they help you in analyzing the script and in formulating your next draft:
1. My biggest concern was the plot itself. I anticipated a script about surfing, and was looking forward to that, but it turned out to be an amateur crime fighter story. As a crime fighting story, I found the plot too loose, with too many easier and more plausible ways for the characters to handle the situation. For instance, I had a hard time believing that Skip would stop what he was doing to focus on the burglars in the first place. I didn't buy his reasoning for not simply going to the police with the information they overheard. Consider writing in a powerful motivator that would help the reader/viewer suspend disbelief and accept Skip's actions.
2. From pages 40-57 (and arguably 40 - the end of the script), the story is one long chase sequence. Using the rule of thumb that 1 page = 1 minute of screen time, it's a 17 minute chase, and makes up about 20% of the script. I'm not sure if that long a chase is sustainable. Moreover, there appeared to be several opportunities for the characters to end the chase with just a little common sense. For instance, why do they need to get the costumes during the parade, couldn't they just appeal to these people for help or call the police? And why do they flee the religious ceremony? The monks weren't going to harm them, even if they were angry about the disruption of the ceremony.
3. The love story didn't quite deliver for me. Skip and Li Nuh fall into an allegiance, get chased around for a few days, and then they're so in love that he proposes? I'm not sure if the story covers enough time to allow me to believe that they're ready to get married, especially when Joe is 18. Most 18 year old boys have a hard enough time committing to going to Prom, let alone to getting married.
Please take the above as constructive criticism. Based on the quality of your writing, I think that you're talented enough to write a really good script once you get a handle on the story structure and plotting.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
Bali Breaks has some intriguing potential. I love the setting, and you did an excellent job of focusing only on Skip's story and not getting side-tracked by subplots. Your writing is clear and easy to follow, and I breezed through the script quite quickly.
A few issues kept me from from giving it a higher rating. I outline them below, and hope that they help you in analyzing the script and in formulating your next draft:
1. My biggest concern was the plot itself. I anticipated a script about surfing, and was looking forward to that, but it turned out to be an amateur crime fighter story. As a crime fighting story, I found the plot too loose, with too many easier and more plausible ways for the characters to handle the situation. For instance, I had a hard time believing that Skip would stop what he was doing to focus on the burglars in the first place. I didn't buy his reasoning for not simply going to the police with the information they overheard. Consider writing in a powerful motivator that would help the reader/viewer suspend disbelief and accept Skip's actions.
2. From pages 40-57 (and arguably 40 - the end of the script), the story is one long chase sequence. Using the rule of thumb that 1 page = 1 minute of screen time, it's a 17 minute chase, and makes up about 20% of the script. I'm not sure if that long a chase is sustainable. Moreover, there appeared to be several opportunities for the characters to end the chase with just a little common sense. For instance, why do they need to get the costumes during the parade, couldn't they just appeal to these people for help or call the police? And why do they flee the religious ceremony? The monks weren't going to harm them, even if they were angry about the disruption of the ceremony.
3. The love story didn't quite deliver for me. Skip and Li Nuh fall into an allegiance, get chased around for a few days, and then they're so in love that he proposes? I'm not sure if the story covers enough time to allow me to believe that they're ready to get married, especially when Joe is 18. Most 18 year old boys have a hard enough time committing to going to Prom, let alone to getting married.
Please take the above as constructive criticism. Based on the quality of your writing, I think that you're talented enough to write a really good script once you get a handle on the story structure and plotting.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
Jivetown, Donna's 5th Draft
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Two Parts Footloose + One Part Dirty Dancing = A Good Teen Dramedy
April 26, 2011
Hi Donna:
I had a chance to read Jivetown over the weekend. The script has all the right elements for success and is better source material than many films in this area that have made it to the big screen. At it's most effective, Jivetown is a wholesome foray into teendom and serves as a fine example of the power of dance.
Here are my suggestions for improving future drafts if you undertake further revisions:
1. While I appreciate that scripts in this genre tend to follow certain conventions, the weakest aspect of the script in my opinion was that it didn't provide a particularly unique take on these conventions, and so they tended to come off as cliches. In particular: Reid the bully-jock; the alcoholic and abusive father; Jimmy's perception of himself as inferior; and the 'dance is for sissies' attitude of many characters. While some of these are fundamental to the script, a new spin would have done a lot for me. For instance, what if Jimmy were proud of who he is and what he's capable of and didn't mind defending his passion?
2. Reid and the father weren't as compelling of antagonists as they could have been, because they were so pathetic. I view this as a missed opportunity. When a villain is painted as incapable (Reid b/c he is a narrow-minded jock, and the father b/c he is an alcoholic) they lose the power to convince viewers that they can actually defeat the main character. I would have appreciated more capable foes for Jimmy to battle.
3. Jimmy's emotional journey falls a little flat on the bridge scene. I wasn't convinced that someone in his position would actually consider suicide. Somehow he wasn't down and out enough (perhaps that's my typical guy point of view that having just scored with the hottest girl in highschool, nothing else seems that bad). Anyhow, perhaps you could replace this with another, less dramatic plot device.
4. The advice from the arcade shop owner struck me as funny, but a bit of a non-sequitor with the tone of the rest of the script. The tone elsewhere is not a gut buster in the American Pie sense (not that it needs to be), but this scene really seemed to go with humor at an important moment in Jimmy's development, and felt out of place.
Again, really strong work overall. Please take the above as constructive criticism, and I look forward to reading future drafts.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
I had a chance to read Jivetown over the weekend. The script has all the right elements for success and is better source material than many films in this area that have made it to the big screen. At it's most effective, Jivetown is a wholesome foray into teendom and serves as a fine example of the power of dance.
Here are my suggestions for improving future drafts if you undertake further revisions:
1. While I appreciate that scripts in this genre tend to follow certain conventions, the weakest aspect of the script in my opinion was that it didn't provide a particularly unique take on these conventions, and so they tended to come off as cliches. In particular: Reid the bully-jock; the alcoholic and abusive father; Jimmy's perception of himself as inferior; and the 'dance is for sissies' attitude of many characters. While some of these are fundamental to the script, a new spin would have done a lot for me. For instance, what if Jimmy were proud of who he is and what he's capable of and didn't mind defending his passion?
2. Reid and the father weren't as compelling of antagonists as they could have been, because they were so pathetic. I view this as a missed opportunity. When a villain is painted as incapable (Reid b/c he is a narrow-minded jock, and the father b/c he is an alcoholic) they lose the power to convince viewers that they can actually defeat the main character. I would have appreciated more capable foes for Jimmy to battle.
3. Jimmy's emotional journey falls a little flat on the bridge scene. I wasn't convinced that someone in his position would actually consider suicide. Somehow he wasn't down and out enough (perhaps that's my typical guy point of view that having just scored with the hottest girl in highschool, nothing else seems that bad). Anyhow, perhaps you could replace this with another, less dramatic plot device.
4. The advice from the arcade shop owner struck me as funny, but a bit of a non-sequitor with the tone of the rest of the script. The tone elsewhere is not a gut buster in the American Pie sense (not that it needs to be), but this scene really seemed to go with humor at an important moment in Jimmy's development, and felt out of place.
Again, really strong work overall. Please take the above as constructive criticism, and I look forward to reading future drafts.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
Brand New Bag of Blues, Matthew's 2nd Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Jake and Elwood, move over - here comes Patrick and Tilley!
April 12, 2011
Excellent work Mathew. A new twist on an old premise that manages to be totally unique. The script is certainly viable as is, but if you decide to undertake further revisions, here's what I've got for you:
1. Even given that it's a comedy, I thought a few of the less probable events needed some additional attention to enhance believability. Specifically, the car chase scenes and running over band leader on the beach. I suggest taking these parts in one of two directions; either make it absolutely clear that we've veered into theater of the absurd (I'm thinking of the chase scene in blues brothers with the car pile up), or find a way to allow us to believe the character would behave in the ways they do. E.g., unless you want us to hate Patrick, don't have him be totally nonplussed by running someone over, it makes it too hard to sympathize.
2. I loved Jack Knife - but it took me 2-3 occurrences before I got the joke. I recognize that's part of the humor, but is there a way to make his first appearance a bit more humorous? Because it happened so early on, I was more confused by his appearance and joining of the band than amused by it.
3. Patrick's existential crisis was probably the least effective part of the script for me. I know it's standard for comedies to include the emotional element that get's solved, but it sometimes served to bog down the script. I suggest either spoofing this element of standard comedies a bit more directly, or perhaps toning it down.
Overall the script was hilarious. I would definitely watch it in the theater.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
1. Even given that it's a comedy, I thought a few of the less probable events needed some additional attention to enhance believability. Specifically, the car chase scenes and running over band leader on the beach. I suggest taking these parts in one of two directions; either make it absolutely clear that we've veered into theater of the absurd (I'm thinking of the chase scene in blues brothers with the car pile up), or find a way to allow us to believe the character would behave in the ways they do. E.g., unless you want us to hate Patrick, don't have him be totally nonplussed by running someone over, it makes it too hard to sympathize.
2. I loved Jack Knife - but it took me 2-3 occurrences before I got the joke. I recognize that's part of the humor, but is there a way to make his first appearance a bit more humorous? Because it happened so early on, I was more confused by his appearance and joining of the band than amused by it.
3. Patrick's existential crisis was probably the least effective part of the script for me. I know it's standard for comedies to include the emotional element that get's solved, but it sometimes served to bog down the script. I suggest either spoofing this element of standard comedies a bit more directly, or perhaps toning it down.
Overall the script was hilarious. I would definitely watch it in the theater.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
Native State, Richard's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Imaginative. Action Packed. Suspenseful. Impressive.
March 21, 2011
Hi Richard. This is a really nice script. Not only is it creative and technically sound, but it's also a complete artistic thought. At it's best, it played off concepts in WALL-E and Avatar, and took them to new and unexpected places. It deserves attention from the authorities that be at Amazon Studios, and I predict that it will receive it. Congrats.
While the script worked nicely for me as is, and is more than viable without any changes, there is always room for improvement. The following is a list of elements that were the least effective aspects of the script in my opinion:
1. Occasionally you got a little lazy in telling the reader what emotion you wanted the actor to portray without providing a concrete action on which the actor could build that emotion. E.g., page 46, Boone dislikes the food... the reader understands this, but for an actor it's easier if there is a specific action conveying this dislike. This recurred several times. Not a big deal, but it would bring those last polishing touches to the script to tie up this type of loose end.
2. I found it hard to believe that the rabbits were as destitute as you you made them out. Not that living in the wild would be easy, but with access to automatic weapons, on an earth that has been returned to its natural state of abundance, I can't imagine malnutrition being that big an issue. For instance, you mention calcium deficiency as a problem, but many commonly occurring plants provide calcium. Also, with common knowledge about dental care, much of the preventative aspect of brushing and flossing could be accomplished without a store-bought toothbrush/paste and floss. Moreover, it may not even change the dynamics that much if the rabbits were a little less pathetic. It could even create additional tension in the fight scenes if they were a more credible opponent to the rangers.
3. The baseball scene came off a little bit corny.
4. I was ambivalent toward the mutant mountain lion plot line. In some ways it works great, and evokes the animal alliances forged in Avatar. At other times it was too difficult to reconcile with my own understanding of what animals - lions in particular - are capable of. Even with chimps and dolphins, humans couldn't communicate anywhere near what Boone manages to convey to the Lion leader. Is there another plot device that could serve the purpose of providing Boone something to defend?
Again - very good script. These points are just suggestions for ways to improve if you undertake any rewriting, but it's a great script as is.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
While the script worked nicely for me as is, and is more than viable without any changes, there is always room for improvement. The following is a list of elements that were the least effective aspects of the script in my opinion:
1. Occasionally you got a little lazy in telling the reader what emotion you wanted the actor to portray without providing a concrete action on which the actor could build that emotion. E.g., page 46, Boone dislikes the food... the reader understands this, but for an actor it's easier if there is a specific action conveying this dislike. This recurred several times. Not a big deal, but it would bring those last polishing touches to the script to tie up this type of loose end.
2. I found it hard to believe that the rabbits were as destitute as you you made them out. Not that living in the wild would be easy, but with access to automatic weapons, on an earth that has been returned to its natural state of abundance, I can't imagine malnutrition being that big an issue. For instance, you mention calcium deficiency as a problem, but many commonly occurring plants provide calcium. Also, with common knowledge about dental care, much of the preventative aspect of brushing and flossing could be accomplished without a store-bought toothbrush/paste and floss. Moreover, it may not even change the dynamics that much if the rabbits were a little less pathetic. It could even create additional tension in the fight scenes if they were a more credible opponent to the rangers.
3. The baseball scene came off a little bit corny.
4. I was ambivalent toward the mutant mountain lion plot line. In some ways it works great, and evokes the animal alliances forged in Avatar. At other times it was too difficult to reconcile with my own understanding of what animals - lions in particular - are capable of. Even with chimps and dolphins, humans couldn't communicate anywhere near what Boone manages to convey to the Lion leader. Is there another plot device that could serve the purpose of providing Boone something to defend?
Again - very good script. These points are just suggestions for ways to improve if you undertake any rewriting, but it's a great script as is.
Good luck and keep writing!
-Rhett
When Stars Fell, Nathan's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Good old fashioned, rip roaring, alien attack...with a twist
February 08, 2011
I read it in two 30 minute sittings. Love the pace, and you've got an excellent grasp of story structure. I also appreciated the fact that you didn't try to make the script into more than what it is - a fun alien action flick.
All that said, of course I have suggestions on how it could get even better:
1. Michael and Caryn are a bit bland. I understand the everyman approach to character building, but consider spicing them up a bit - I was yearning for more.
2. I almost stopped reading on page 2 (glad I didn't). This is obviously a critical moment - find a way to make us care about Michael. Make it cuter. Make him more vulnerable and more insecure. Make Caryn less attainable and more out of Michael's league. This type of set up needs something special to make it work.
3. The final battle scene isn't terribly original or imaginative. Based on the ability you demonstrate elsewhere, I'm sure you can be more creative here.
4. This is nitpicky, but it occurred more than once. You sometimes have issues with script reader vs movie watcher, in terms of logic flow. E.g., page 41: "Gus is pacing around, thinking about what to do next." The problem is, it doesn't give direction to an actor to say 'thinking about what to do next' and therefore it doesn't come across to the watcher - you have to find a way to show it. Pacing can indicate thinking, so either leave it at that or provide another action that further demonstrates thinking. E.g. page 89: "Michael gets up and looks at Caryn in amazement. The nanomachines have strengthened every part of Caryn’s anatomy." While the reader of the script follows your logic, the watcher doesn't have the benefit of reading the script as they watch - someone has say it, or there must be a visual cue so the watcher gets it too.
Again, I really enjoyed reading your script. I hope the above comments are useful in your next rewrite.
Good luck and keep writing.
-Rhett
All that said, of course I have suggestions on how it could get even better:
1. Michael and Caryn are a bit bland. I understand the everyman approach to character building, but consider spicing them up a bit - I was yearning for more.
2. I almost stopped reading on page 2 (glad I didn't). This is obviously a critical moment - find a way to make us care about Michael. Make it cuter. Make him more vulnerable and more insecure. Make Caryn less attainable and more out of Michael's league. This type of set up needs something special to make it work.
3. The final battle scene isn't terribly original or imaginative. Based on the ability you demonstrate elsewhere, I'm sure you can be more creative here.
4. This is nitpicky, but it occurred more than once. You sometimes have issues with script reader vs movie watcher, in terms of logic flow. E.g., page 41: "Gus is pacing around, thinking about what to do next." The problem is, it doesn't give direction to an actor to say 'thinking about what to do next' and therefore it doesn't come across to the watcher - you have to find a way to show it. Pacing can indicate thinking, so either leave it at that or provide another action that further demonstrates thinking. E.g. page 89: "Michael gets up and looks at Caryn in amazement. The nanomachines have strengthened every part of Caryn’s anatomy." While the reader of the script follows your logic, the watcher doesn't have the benefit of reading the script as they watch - someone has say it, or there must be a visual cue so the watcher gets it too.
Again, I really enjoyed reading your script. I hope the above comments are useful in your next rewrite.
Good luck and keep writing.
-Rhett
Jim Osberg's comments are really on-point regarding storytelling. I don't want to simply repeat, so I'll just suggest that you take them to heart and strongly consider rewriting at this overarching level. Additionally, you may want to refresh yourself on some aspects of grammar; subject-verb agreement errors and dropped articles make the script hard to read and mark it as unprofessional.
Don't give up! You can make Celestial Vikings great!
Good luck and keep writing.
-Rhett