4
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Good script, but not perfect yet.
Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
Premise:
5 stars
Story structure:
3 stars
Character:
3 stars
Dialogue:
5 stars
Emotion:
3 stars
January 18, 2011
I really like the script overall. It has a tight structure, good pacing, and an intriguing story. The dialog is smooth, and your vocabulary and knowledge of the subject matter is very proven.
Here are a few things that I think might help you make the script perfect:
I agree mostly with Oysterman Production's review.
I think the script needs a better title, but I didn't have any problems with the script being about Alchemy. Alchemy is pretty cool enough of a concept for me.
I don't think you need a "in medias res" on page one. It does draw the audience in, but seems cliche, and also gives some of the script away. It's too stylistic. I would almost wish for a back story sequence about the three alchemists that sets up the story better, because even with the flashbacks later on, their story and intentions still seems confusing.
The biggest problem I had with it was keeping track of what's going on in the second act. There's a bell, and a crest, and keys. I figured it all out, but it took back tracking and re-reading. Why did they leave those keys? for whom? Why does Johnathan and Orly want to find those keys? Is it to clear a name? They say they want to find out the truth, but the truth about what? The truth about alchemy? And why do they want to find the truth, and what do they intend to do with the truth? (to simply blow it up? why?) Is it to prevent the bad guys from finding them? The stakes needs to be better stated and directly related to the main characters.
For example, Benjamin Gates in National Treasure wants to find the treasure to clear his family's name. Robert Langdon wants to find the truth because he is trying to clear his name, is obsessed with puzzles, and wants to protect the girl. Indianna Jones wants to find the lost Ark so Hitler can't use it for mass destruction.
I think you kind of hinted at all of those things, but did not fully explain and directly relate it to your main characters.
The last thing I thought that really needs work is Johnathan's character. Orly's character is complex and interesting, with a long back story to boot. But I don't know much about Johnathan? Does he have fears and demons he must face? What about his character arc? how does he change through the course of the story?
I think this is a really good concept full of action and adventure. It just needs a few things to make it perfect.
P.S. Almost forgot. Please change your font to courier.
Here are a few things that I think might help you make the script perfect:
I agree mostly with Oysterman Production's review.
I think the script needs a better title, but I didn't have any problems with the script being about Alchemy. Alchemy is pretty cool enough of a concept for me.
I don't think you need a "in medias res" on page one. It does draw the audience in, but seems cliche, and also gives some of the script away. It's too stylistic. I would almost wish for a back story sequence about the three alchemists that sets up the story better, because even with the flashbacks later on, their story and intentions still seems confusing.
The biggest problem I had with it was keeping track of what's going on in the second act. There's a bell, and a crest, and keys. I figured it all out, but it took back tracking and re-reading. Why did they leave those keys? for whom? Why does Johnathan and Orly want to find those keys? Is it to clear a name? They say they want to find out the truth, but the truth about what? The truth about alchemy? And why do they want to find the truth, and what do they intend to do with the truth? (to simply blow it up? why?) Is it to prevent the bad guys from finding them? The stakes needs to be better stated and directly related to the main characters.
For example, Benjamin Gates in National Treasure wants to find the treasure to clear his family's name. Robert Langdon wants to find the truth because he is trying to clear his name, is obsessed with puzzles, and wants to protect the girl. Indianna Jones wants to find the lost Ark so Hitler can't use it for mass destruction.
I think you kind of hinted at all of those things, but did not fully explain and directly relate it to your main characters.
The last thing I thought that really needs work is Johnathan's character. Orly's character is complex and interesting, with a long back story to boot. But I don't know much about Johnathan? Does he have fears and demons he must face? What about his character arc? how does he change through the course of the story?
I think this is a really good concept full of action and adventure. It just needs a few things to make it perfect.
P.S. Almost forgot. Please change your font to courier.