Doug Shear (Miami)

I like some of the basic concepts, in terms of the IRON MOON, which is a better title than Babe (which is the title of a famous movie about a pig!), the impregnating of the women by Angel, which is original and creepy and has potential. But after about 22 pages I ran out of interest. The main character Babe is not particularly riveting, beyond her relationship with Angel, and doesn’t seem to have a lot of personality traits. Do I care if her miniature children conceived by aliens are going to grow up to be slaves and have to massage some other alien’s feet? Not really. I’ve had worse jobs. I never got the feeling that the stakes were that high, or the consequences so terrible, that I couldn’t wait to see how they were going to thwart the evil alien and win.

I found too much chit chat, and too much meaningless action. For example, there are too many sections like this:

“Babe smiles; lets Angel pass. Angel smiles a friendly smile and goes to her table.
Babe looks as Angel seats herself. Angel smiles, Babe smiles back. Babe goes to Angel’s table.”

I get the fact that people are moving about a room and smiling at each other, and perhaps there is more meaning in the looks and smiles, but as a reader, it is impossible to grasp. Some of that stuff is acceptable, or possibly necessary, but too much of it takes us out of the story and becomes wearying.

As I was reading the screenplay, I kept thinking this is more applicable to a novel. For it to work as a movie it would need to be terser, the characters more sharply defined, and the action more riveting.

I took another look at the script and finished the read. I decided I actually liked it a lot better. Was probably in a down mood when I reviewed it the first time. It definitely needs work, but there is a good story here. Some funny stuff that I missed on the first read.

Hi Gary. I can see where you are going with the story, and it's kind of...for lack of better word...cute. Chick-flicky. But it's too predictable, the characters act in unrealistic ways (even for a comedy) and the theme: love vs sex, is explored in a fairly well-worn manner. Watch some old Walter Matthau movies.

Nevertheless, with some work it could be a fun comedy. Here are some thoughts:

The main character is pathetic, but not likable. I didn't really care if he found true love or not. Maybe show him volunteering at an old folk's home or something. We get the idea that he is in love with Nadine, and we're supposed to emphathise with his longing, but he ditches her for Jill real fast, and now we're supposed to believe that she's the one he truly longs for. By the end of the script we understand the connection, but it takes too long to establish. And the coincidences between them are too obvious, too in-your-face.

Jack is a characature, and his explanation of evolution as an excuse for monogomy have been done before many, many times. Jack's friends are characatures. Dr. Kaplan is a characature. Everyone behaves in expected ways.

Jill is a fun character, and works for me. I like Jill. I want to have sex with Jill. And I like the concept of the list, with the final item being true love. Their relationship really warms up towards the end of the second act.

I like the way you tie things together. The climax at Dr. Kaplan's office could be sharper. I would have like to see Jill go ballistic.

The montage of Peter trying to talk to Jill and get her to see him has been done so many times before. Surely there is a fresh way of making that point. Nevertheless, I found the ending to be touching.

So, the good news is that your script was engaging enough to read to the end. It moves fast. I'd love to see you write a comedy with a fresh premise. You have talent and a sense of timing, and a feel for the visual.

I don't mean to be brutal in my review (I've received a lot worse in my time) and hope you take this as one person's opinion. Take from it what you will, and keep on truckin'!

Feel free to email me at dougshear@aol.com.