Neal Barringer (Fargo)

The major improvement you can make to your writing skill is to eliminate adverbs. Instead, find active verbs that visually portray the meaning. for example, "Positioning it carefully against Ethan’s tiny head, the nurse counts quietly." should be rewritten to "She places it against Ethan's tiny head." Also, show rather than tell. NURSE (quietly): One. Two. Three.

I also want to recommend you write with subtext. Using the above example again, without subtext, I don't know why the nurse must count quietly. Instead, you're telling the actor exactly what to do and when to do it. Subtext eliminates this direction.

Also, subtext is what attracts A-list talent. Let the actors know what's expected of them (through subtext) and balance that with letting the talent decide how they'll perform the subtext.

I can't find any comments in regards to improving the story. I read it from cover-to-cover in one sitting. I was really engaged and intent on learning how/why this couple was reliving their wedding day. I like how your characters stated their theories on why this was happening. Also, appreciated your choice for Nick to profit from "knowing the future to place bets."

All I really have are some alternate expositions to try on:

1. during the first re-do of the wedding, since Nick and Abigail are aware they are reliving their wedding day, have one of them object when during the traditional "If anyone has a reason these two shall not get married..." They can give a speech about how they know they're being tricked, won't fall for it, and walk away from the wedding. Then, transition to waking up to repeat the day.
2. the second re-do has Nick wandering off into the city and missing the wedding.
3. the third time, Nick and Abigail are in the Jacuzzi, the parents pounding on the door, expression of "we're done. The marriage is over." to the parents, dressed for the wedding. The response: "Nonsense. You haven't even started." to indicate they're on another re-do.
4. Next redo, the couple find a solution by completing the wedding and living life forward from that point. You can move the expression of "Nick confides in Jeff, i.e. fortune telling" to this point.
5. Of course, they wake up to another re-do.
6. All hope lost, they just continue to re-do over and over again - which leads to your exposition of "How many times have we gotten married now?"
7. Now, the audience is ready for the wrap up. Of course, keep all the funny bits about different ways the couple go through the ceremony.
8. I think you may have gone too many times to the fountain scene. One, possibly two, was plenty.
9. I think the wrap-up may have been too rushed. If it truly is String Theory and an entanglement of quantum physics. It really didn't get the attention it needed. I like the analogy of "The Myth of Sisyphus." You may have limited your target market by explaining the entire story with these academic principles.
10. I'd really like this all to be a practical joke. Some esoteric reason everyone is in on this hoax. In the end, they would all laugh about the silly shenanigans that Nick and Abigail pulled.
11. Which takes me to my final thought - what is the overall theme to your story? What are you trying to say by having a divorced couple re-do their wedding day over and over again? That is not explained in this version. Whatever your theme is should be proved or disproved so the days can continue as usual. In one suggestion: Nick and Abigail have come to the proper realization of the theme, so the organizers of the hoax confirm they've arrived at the correct conclusion. And, the story ends on a big laugh as they talk about the bride and groom's exploits.

one last added-on suggestion: let the Hotel Clerk be the pounding at the door the last time, proof that the re-does are over. He should say something like "It's past check-out time. Are you staying another night?"

Okay. Here's some first reactions after reading the premise and synopsis. First, the premise needs work. At this time, I don't have a suggestion to improve it, but will come up with something as I get into the script.

Second, the synopsis made me think the story's opening would/might work better as a suspense with mystery. So, I started reading from page 13, when Abby "runs as fast as she can" through the woods. I'm pretty sure this will change the overall story, but I wanted to experience it from this angle. Obviously, you would add more fear and "damages" to the girl's exposition and lengthen the amount of time she runs through the woods before she falls, unconscious.

Now, the story questions throughout the E.R. scenes would be one of "solving the mystery", i.e. why is this girl speechless, terrified, running barefoot through the woods? And, I love the little reveal of "Why's Abby here?" to release that tension. And, there's new tensions as they can't contact the parents and drive out to the house and see all the mystery surrounding previous activities.

Okay. So. I'm on page 29. And, I'm still thinking about the opening - how long do you stay away from Abby's suspense? You definitely need to build tension between Niner and Carly. The character of T.J. must remain, not just for later exposition but because it reveals a piece of Niner's character. Namely, as I saw it, an abuse of his suspended authority.

So, shorten the interactions. Or, have Abby in-frame, waiting to be seen. Another thought is to have the Mabrys carry Abby in and draw Carly's attention to that interaction. Meanwhile, Niner's still trying to "get to her." Definitely, don't need to be in the Suture room (but, the exposition of that scene needs to remain somehow.)

I love the sequence where Carly tells Niner, "I'm headed to [Abby's house]." Niner stops her, "There's something you must know." Carly: "What's that?" Niner: "My car's that way." Great humor.

My suggestion for when Niner tells Carly the whole Raul incident is to show this. I'm seeing it as I'm reading. The way it's written to be shown on-screen, the viewer will just see "talking heads." Of course, the director may also get this and know the sequence needs to be shown with Niner/Carly doing voice-over (or intercuts) to make it work.

When Trent draws down on Niner, I'd like an action indicator about when/how Niner quits playing drunk. At first, I thought Niner "sobered up" when he lit a cigarette and offered Trent one. I'm also not sure when Trent realized Niner knew Abby's whereabouts.

Okay. Page 40. And, not knowing the first 12 pages of your script has some interesting consequences. First, some confusion about Niner and Trent's relationship. but, it's entertaining to think one way and receive bits that change my perception. Second, a new character (Bobby) is introduced. Not sure how he fits into all this. Again, very intriguing to receive bits of exposition in this manner. Finally, it appears Niner is an accomplice to Trent (and the incident at Abby's house) in some fashion. Very exciting and suspenseful to have the story revealed in this manner - not sure who, ultimately, are good and who are bad.

A few words about some exposition I expected in the script based on a paragraph of the synopsis:
"After Trent arrives at the scene, he [...] proclaims that he was forced to help murder Abby's family by two men. Two men who are seeking revenge for the deaths of six family members. Niner convinces Trent to turn himself in and divulge the names of the others involved. He and Niner drive to the hospital to meet with the lead detective on the case."

Totally, did not find any exposition about "Two men who are seeking revenge..." or "Niner convinces Trent to turn himself in..."

I was thinking you could use bits of the 12-page opening (the part I glanced over) as video over the TV report. Show the "white-picket fence dream of little girls riding horses." Possibly, in the form of home videos, yeah?

Yes. more nice reveals "Abby ingested ambitropin ... administered by Trent." Really amps up the tension, by not being shown (from your original 12 pages) what actually happened, yet.

(more to come)

by the way, I like to write reviews in real-time, while I'm reading the script.

first, a quick note about formatting; then, onto talking about story elements.
Dialogue is the one place I notice your formatting is way out of standard. should be left-justified, at the 3" left margin and 2.3" right margin. There are so many free screenwriting programs (several are even web-based) out there, there's no reason to get formatting wrong. Use one of these solution so you can focus on the creative part and not worry about margins and spacing.

I'm just exchanging a 10-page review, so will only focus on whether you're able to hook me into the story.

In the synopsis, Luke is described as "rebellious young man that does not conform to human life..." This trait is not coming through very well. In other words, his actions aren't conveying this. "He dances with an alien" beat isn't strong enough to deliver properly. When the police chase (however, I do like the action of jumping from hover car to hover car), I feared you would only tell us what Luke was in trouble for. As expected, that's the choice you made. Instead, show us the robbery. That would do alot for "telling" us about Luke's character.

So, back to the goal of the 10-page review: was I hooked? No.

Some nit-picking observations:
on page 1, "Tension builds in anticipation of what the satellite will see after pivoting." This is wrong on a couple levels. First, it's blatant "telling, without showing." second, it's unfilmable. (I'm giving a little leeway a about being unfilmable as the overall effect of the statement drives the musical choice. So, you've written a motivator that the music director can work from.) Finally, you've indicatedwe're filming from an exterior location (deep space). We've heard voices and know at least one of those voices are aboard the space probe. Technically, the satellite won't be seeing - it will be the person who's onboard. But, we're not onboard to see this person's anticipation. Aside from the music, we (the audience) don't know anything about "anticipating what will be seen." All we see is a satellite that's pivoting.

The second slug line, "Ext. Deep Space" may not be necessary. New sluglines indicate a change in place or time. I don't believe either has changed. A new action description is enough clue to indicate a change in camera angle.

"The man's looks on in awe." Okay. Pick one or the other; don't hodge-podge between possessive and contractual. it's either "The man's look is one of awe." Or, (my preference) "The man looks on in awe."

page 4: "He places his hand on the interactive bar-top and it flashes green beneath his hand." I like this technology choice. I suggest you add a sound effect of a cash register "ringing up a sale." Cha-Ching! That would really cement the image; no dialogue necessary. The way it's currently written, I get the impression but am left wondering if I got it right.

I like to write reviews in real-time, while I'm reading the script. First impressions are 1) the premise needs a little refining, not much though.

The most intriguing part of the premise is "creates glasses capable of seeing ghosts." The fact that "a Nobel prize winner" invents these adds nothing to my interest. But, I do like it in the "hint of a resolution" part of the premise. Also, "History is written by the Victor" went way over my head. I'm sure there's an audience that gets this, it's just not me.

There is a sentence in the synopsis that, I feel, works better than "Unfortunately, the specs also see past history events. Events that could change the world forever." These two phrases felt awkward and redundant. The sentence(s) from the synopsis that work better are "[They also] see past history events, as [they're happening]. Every [conspiracy] theory [can now] be exposed."

So, a suggested "improvement" to the log line/premise:

"A Nobel prize winner invents glasses capable of seeing ghosts. Additionally, they see past history, as it's happening. Now, every conspiracy theory can be exposed, while possibly sacrificing his family."

So, into the script I go...

first impression: written by someone who will do the directing. I see alot of "We see" and "pull back," "focus on." These are camera directions and are constant reminders that "I'm reading a movie script." To engage me into the story, write with implications of where I, the reader, should focus my attention.

With that said, I'm deferring the rest of my comments to actual story elements...

I'm 11 pages in, and having a hard time grasping the hook. I believe you've "exploded the bomb" without adequate suspense. also, I'm not sure what you "intended to blow up." Trying to explain this literally, I'm not sure how I should feel for a man (your main character, named Michael) I don't know.

also, alot of Point of View jumping. One sentence, I am Mike, being worked on in E.R. Soon after, I'm watching me get zapped back to life. There seems to be a cinematic purpose to this; there needs to, instead, be subtext attached to the reason.

Coming up = the next story element, inciting incident. But, I fear, the electrocution was the inciting incident. I'll read the next 20 pages to see if I'm right.

ok. so. your inciting incident is more of a reveal, what Michael has invented is ghost goggles. It pulls the main character into a new world. That's good. I like the "don't pass into a world the living shouldn't be in" debate. It serves well as a "refusal of the call."

There were several nit-picky observations in the first 34 pages. Numerous "As you already know" exposition, for example. Disorder when Terri 1) turns the radio loud, before 2) starting the engine. Not many car radios turn on before the engine is started. Likewise, not many individuals turn the car key only enough to fire up the radio, adjust it, then start the engine. The disorder was of a level that makes me hold on to it, expecting it to be a clue that Michael is in a paranormal world.

(more to come)

I like to write my reviews in real-time, while I'm actively reading the script.

I'm not sure I'll be able to add any useful suggestions to improve the story. I'm only a few pages in; maybe I'll comment on that later. Right off the bat, I have a few observations about style:

First impression: It reads like a novel. I don't expect that will have a negative effect on your chances at winning at Amazon Studios. I believe the early-round readers/judges enjoy novels and prefer screenplays that read like novels. If you're going to shop this around to Producers, you'll want it to be more of a framework of a movie (just my opinion, by the way).

visual writing: needs improvement. Not sure I can explain this any other way than through an example from your script: "Tim nervously fidgets for his pockets. Suddenly, a LOUD, PIERCING SHRIEK rings through the air. After A LOUD CRACKING SOUND."

This exposition suggests the camera focuses on Tim (fidgetting through pockets), the sound editor inserts a loud cracking sound (the "after" suggests it goes here), turn away to the sky (to show a shriek rings through the air). Now that I've read the sequence a few times, I think punctuation may be misplaced. Add "," to the "After loud cracking sound, Bob doubles over." Now, the camera focuses on Bob.

I'm second-guessing what you're implying to be filmed. At first, I thought you wanted a suggestion that Tim retaliates. But, the camera's already focused on Tim, so we know that's not possible. Next, I was hoping to inject some fear that Bob "hits a girl." The current exposition doesn't suggest this as Bob is engaging Tim. So, it's really pretty obvious that Sandy slugs Bob.

another line: "Tim begins to slink away, unbeknownst to Sandy and Bob." Again, needs improvement to send a better visual. More visual to say "Tim slinks away while Sandy brushes wrinkles from her dress and Bob whimpers on the ground." One final comment on this... to use "begins" suggests Tim will, at some point, be seen slinking away.

excessive adverbs: there are better verbs (and different sentence structure) that will make the read quick and still portray the same images, if not better. for example, "Bob hovers over Tim, who is now extremely petrified." concise and active = "Bob hovers over a petrified Tim."


I'm having a hard time deciding if your story is best told on-screen. It certainly has many great elements. It just seems to lack THE element that makes a great movie = people watch movies to escape from real life. Maybe spice up the drama. Let the audience see an unexpected side of the "disease." You can also add drama by filling-out the supporting characters, Anne and Laura.

I think Anne needs more depth by revealing more of her backstory early. Maybe reveal more of why she's in denial over Tim's anxiety diagnosis. Maybe she battled with it. Maybe she didn't. Whatever the case, explore and reveal more of her character.

Sandy is written pretty well. I like Sandy's character.

Another possible way to bring this into screen-quality is by showing Tim's internal struggles. Probably be a challenge to externalize this, but I think you have the creative ability to do it. And, the audience would enjoy that variety of escapism - might even border on voyeurism.