Dan Z (San Antonio)

I’m not sure where to begin. I had a great deal of trouble finishing this screenplay. I don’t like doing partial reviews, so I forced myself to read the whole thing, but it took some effort and a lot patience to do so. I don’t want to be harsh, but I’m going to give you my HONEST thoughts and opinions.

At best this came across as a bad made for tv movie. At worst, it was an unintentional parody (unless you meant it to be a parody of the genre, and I just missed the whole point). I skipped the synopsis so I began reading the screenplay without knowing what it was going to be about. Just from the title and your comments in your message I knew it was going to be fantasy, but that’s all I knew. Personally, I love fantasy when it’s done right. The LOTR trilogy, the HP movies, Dragonslayer…I love all those movies. But more often than not you get crap in this genre, examples being: the Dungeons and Dragons movies, Eragon, and many more.

Your screenplay started off well. We are introduced to Shage and Adam and we see they have kind of a troubled home life with an abusive mother and pushover father, but they look after each other. I didn’t expect this kind of opening in a fantasy movie; it was refreshing. But I notice right away that you give us no sense of time or place. This was a little confusing. Aside from telling us that the boys lived in a Victorian style house and hearing them speak of dragons, there are no other clues as to when and where this story is occurring. No meaningful description of clothing, no intro into the history of this world (like we get in LOTR, telling us a little about the history of Middle Earth), and all the dialogue sounds very modern. Taken together this really detracts from the mood of the story.

Early on, the story is also hurt by the poor transitions from one scene to another. You may have just been in a rush to get into the story but it was distracting, weird and made your story feel episodic at times. Example: Shage and Adam are looking for their horse in what seems like a pretty routine day for them. Then you introduce Coniah, and when we return to Shage and Adam, they’re in the forest unaware that they’re house has been burnt down and their parents murdered by goblins, all of which happened off screen.

One of the biggest problems with your screenplay is your dialogue. It’s very by the numbers and not believable, often times serving no purpose but to fill the page. Worst of all, it makes the characters come across as unintelligent.
Example:
SHAGE: Looks like Nicanor didn't forget about you, did she?
CONIAH: I don't believe this! Curse her! They must have been here the time I found both of you!
ADAM: Now you know how we feel.
SHAGE: So...uh...when were you planning on marrying Adara?
CONIAH: Don't worry Shage, I will rebuild it, somehow. I can earn more money.
SHAGE: By selling us, right?
CONIAH: Maybe. Now get on my horse. You get to meet my girl friend.

Most of the dialogue is like this. Read it aloud. Nothing exceptional here. The simple inclusion of a phrase like “curse her” makes it sound silly, and the use of the modern term “girlfriend” makes it not believable. Put it all together and the characters sound dumb.

I have to say, Coniah is one of the most unlikable characters I’ve ever read. He’s apathetic when we first meet him, unconcerned with the downfall of his world or the slaughter of innocents, he only wants his bounty. He betrays Adam and the only reason he tries to repent is because his “girlfriend” won’t like him anymore if he doesn’t. This guy is no hero and making him the central figure of this story severely weakens it. I get what you were going for. You were trying to make him the Aragon/Stryder type, the lone warrior who’s fallen from grace who finds redemption by helping Adam and Shage achieve their destiny and save their kingdoms. Fine, but don’t make him so morally bankrupt, so unintelligent and inept at being a hero. I mean he walks right into the enemy’s lair without any real plan and ends up getting himself captured and hand delivering Shage to the enemy. This all after actually hand delivering Adam to the enemy. If I were you I would either completely rethink this character or make Adam and Shage the central figures of this story. Personally, I think you should do both.

Which brings us to Adam and Shage. You begin the story with them, the title of the script is a direct reference to them, but after the first couple of scenes they become nothing but pawns in the story. After Adam is delivered to Nicanor (p. 36), we don’t hear a peep from him again until p. 73, and during that whole time Shage is reduced to nothing more than a passive character where everything is happening to him, and he’s doing nothing but reacting. It’s a shame because as I said before, I like how you opened the story establishing a good relationship between the brothers. They should be the heroes of this story. The story should follow them and what they do to overcome the odds, not just what’s done to them, what they do to get Coniah to join them in their fight, not how he clumsily comes to realize they're not so bad and probably don’t deserve to die at the hands of a witch.

Finally, there’s no sense of grandeur to this story, it never feels epic, there never seems to be an enormity of consequences. This is very problematic when it comes to a fantasy movie like this. It’s almost as if this was written as a novel at first and in the transition to a screenplay a lot of the backstory, character development and sense of epicness (if that’s a word) was lost. A lot probably has to do with your exposition. It’s boring. I know in a screenplay you have to resist all the poetic, flowery language you might use in a novel, but that doesn’t mean you can’t effectively describe a creature or a landscape or a person succinctly while still conveying a bit of grandeur. You use a lot of terms in your exposition that fail to create an exciting picture in the reader’s mind time and time again. For example, you begin many scenes by describing the weather as if you were a local meteorologist.
“It is breezy, with a light rain” p. 26
“Weather is bright and hazy” p. 27
“The wind blows steadily on this partly cloudy day.” P. 32
“Partial moons, mostly clear, cool skies.” P. 47
This does nothing for the story. The director and team will be the one to decide what scenes are shot on what type of days. If you’re trying to create mood, you need to be more descriptive. An example might be: Dark clouds in the distance gave Shage an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. (just a thought)
You also use a lot of direction such as north, south, east. Again this is useless. We don’t have a map while we’re reading and as I said before you don’t ever give us a real good sense of time or place. Just describe what you want the reader to picture. Possible examples:
the goblins rode toward the ominous mountains.
Coniah and Shage rode across a barren prairie, approaching an isolated village.

Another problem is in your description of battles. You often give numbers, which is unnecessary. Don’t tell me that “We see fifteen goblins riding up fast” (p. 13) or that “Fifty goblin guards, dressed in black, are stationed in the hallways..” (p. 17) or “They approach a clearing where a battle takes place between 50 goblins and 20 men soldiers” (p 49). Again, the director will decide the numbers. When you include them, it’s just distracting and often makes the battle sound less impressive than it might be otherwise. Just stay away from giving exact numbers unless it’s critical to the story. Use generic terms like an army of goblins or a battalion of soldiers, etc.

That’s it. I’m sorry if this review is all over the place, and I’m not trying to rip it apart or be an ass. I’m just giving you my honest opinion and feedback. I think it needs to be reworked from beginning to end. Start with why you want to tell this story. What about it is special to you? Make that the heart of the story and build around that. Please message me if you have any specific questions about my review or my thoughts. Good luck.

Enjoyed reading your script. I was initially drawn in by your synopsis suggesting that the villains might actually turn out to be the heroes or antiheroes and win in the end. It's not the way you chose to go with the story, but I still had a good time reading it.

First, I loved how this story bucked tradition and made the victim(s) male instead of female, even going so far as to make them the objects of (Charlie's) sexual desire. I was reminded a little bit of The Devil's Rejects while reading your script. The ladies get a chance to be just as bad and nasty as the guys in this story. It might even be more fun if they (Charlie, Maude and Matilda) got to take center stage a little more. Maybe make Maude the head of the family. You really have a nice idea here making the hunted a boy and the hunters, for the most part, girls. You should really take that as far as you can.

That brings me to my next point. I was really expecting this script to push the boundaries of good taste, given the synopsis and your opening scene. I was even hoping for it, but I have to say in that regard I was a little disappointed. I would have liked to have seen David cross over to the darkside, so to speak, or at least be a little more tempted. Also, I don't think Bill and Jane are as flawed as you suggest in the synopsis. They seem just like a typical married couple going through their ups and downs. This removes a little of the tension and it quickly becomes obvious that David is going to choose them over the crazy Gabe and company. Maybe you should play with that balance a little more. On the topic of crazy, you have plenty of room to play with when it comes to Gabe and his brood. Yes they're bad, but compare them to the families seen in Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the aforementioned Devil's Rejects. Not so scary anymore. Search the dark depths of your mind and create some really memorable, disgusting scenes that define this family of killers.

I like the supernatural angle in your script. I'm always a sucker for those kind of storylines, but I have to say, going that route does remove a bit of the horror. Maybe you should explain the prophecy a little more. I never really understood how David was going to save them and make them rich and why David was THE ONE to do that. If this storyline is going to take the place of some of the horror it should really pay off.

I think you really have a great premise here, and a chance to add something unique to the horror genre with your role reversal. But I think the stakes need to be upped a little bit and boundaries need to be stretched and even overrun a lot more. The way I see it you can go two ways with this. Make it about David and his adopted parents coming together to fight off a family of crazed rednecks (which seems to be what you're leaning toward) or make it about a confused teenager being seduced into a family of lunatics to find his true place in this world. I've seen the first movie (The Hills Have Eyes) but I've never seen the second one. I was hoping to with your script. Just my thoughts. Again, I really had a good time reading it. I was just really excited by the original beginning, and a little let down by the formulaic (that might be too harsh) ending.

I came to your page and saw that your work had zero reviews, so I took the time to read your script and give you my HONEST opinion on it. I would appreciate it if you would read my work or the work of another participant with zero to few reviews and give your HONEST opinion. Winning and losing aside, honest feedback is invaluable to a writer or filmmaker, so please pay it forward.

Now, my review:

This script needs a lot of work. To begin, there are formatting and grammatical errors throughout, enough to be distracting. Second, there’s no ending, none. I don’t know if you uploaded the wrong draft or if this is how you wanted it to end, but I felt shafted. I took the time to read the whole script, all 159 pages of it, and it ends with a bit of dialogue (I hid everything from you...Jonathan. I’m sorry.) and no real resolution for our main character. Definitely, needs a more satisfying ending. Also, I think the overall structure needs to be rethought. You have the same settings over and over again, Jonthan’s kitchen, cafeteria, some alley...repeat. Mix it up a little bit. Also, you introduce new characters, Mason and his sister, 90 pages into the script and do very little with them. Also, our main character seems strangely unaffected by the big tragedy of the story. I mean, I know he and his father didn’t get along, but then maybe that shouldn’t have been a plot point in the story. Jonathan wasn’t greatly affected by it, and it conveniently removed two “road blocks” in his life, his father and Chester. You also introduce several characters, such as Penny and Randall, without any description of them so it took several lines of dialogue before I realized who they were. This was distracting, and anything that distracts the reader from the story is bad. I also don’t think Chris’ character was fully defined. I felt I had a good understanding of Jonathan...of his confusion and frustration, but I never understood where Chris was coming from. I think a few more scenes of his family life might help with that, and you should move the party scene (with Mason and his sister) up earlier in the story. It seems out of place where it is. I think one of the biggest problems with your script has nothing to do with the story itself but with the exposition. It’s very clunky and awkward at times; it makes the story difficult to read.

Example from page 43: “The room is dark, though bright enough that the overhead light does not need to be on. Jonathan is in the same position and is still staring at the ceiling. Penny is standing in the doorway and watching Jonathan.”

Might reword it like this: Jonathan lies on his bed in the dim room, staring up at the ceiling. Penny stands in the doorway watching him.

Another example from page 20: “Jonathan stares at the wall across from him. A few birds chirping outside can be heard. Jonathan looks up at his window. He stands and walks over to the window. Jonathan opens the window and sticks his head out. In the branch of a nearby tree sits a bird nest. Three tiny birds are in the nest, chirping loudly.”

Might reword it like this: Jonathan sits, staring at the wall, the sound of chirping birds heard from outside. He stands and walks to the window, sticking his head out. In a nearby tree, he sees a nest with three birds chirping away.

There were things that I liked quite a bit about your script. First, I think you’re pretty good at writing dialogue. It wasn’t anything fancy, but for the most part, it sounded real; it was believable and it flowed well. At first, I thought some of the characters talked a little too mature or mechanical for teenage boys, but then I realized they’re kind of prep school kids, some of them even spoiled rich kids. It might help to put that on paper right away when first introducing these characters, so the reader gets a better picture of who they are. I also like that these aren’t your stereotypical gay kids. They seem like regular boys with a secret and that was refreshing. Also, there were some funny moments in here, for example:

KIRSTEN: Jonny, do you think I’m disgusting now?
JONATHAN: (absentmindedly) Um, a little.

Hilarious. Although I think this whole plot point with Kirsten getting pregnant might work better if the characters were a little older, like 15 and 17 as oppose to 13 and 15. It just seems a little intense with kids that young, especially when she’s not even the main character. Just a thought.

I really like the dream sequence where Jonathan’s parents were acting like there was nothing wrong with Jonathan and Chris being a couple. It was unexpected. I’m not sure about the tone though. Was the dream supposed to be sad because it was so far removed from Jonathan’s reality? Or was it supposed to be humorous? I think you should go with the humor and really go all out with this scene. Make it like a parody of a 1950’s family sitcom, a perfect retro family, except the son is dating another boy and the parents are thrilled.

I like the dynamic between Jonathan and his parents, it felt real and I could really understand Jonathan’s frustration. The dynamic between Chris and Jonathan was good early on, unexpected, refreshing but then got a little too predictable (lovey-dovey) before heading off in confusing fashion. I never felt the relationship change much throughout the script, so when Jonathan came to his big realization about Chris, it just didn’t work. Also, Devon being crazy...that wasn’t really set up too well. I didn’t see it coming at all so it felt a little tacked on. I think interjecting Devon a little more into Jon and Chris’ relationship would help. Explore the dynamics of a confused gay kid caught in between his straight best friend and arrogant boyfriend. Again, just a thought.

Overall, I don’t think this script is ready to be read by the movie makers. The formatting needs to be fixed as do the grammatical errors. Given that your starting with a premise that may not be the most marketable to begin with, you really need to have a sharp, solid script to get people to take notice. But you do have talent writing dialogue, and I do think there is an interesting story here. It just needs to be fleshed out a little more, and I think adding more humor to the story would really help.

I hope this was helpful. I wasn’t trying to be harsh or overly critical; I just wanted to give you honest feedback. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about my review.

Just read your script and thought it was pretty good. It was an easy read, flowed well with a tight, well-oiled structure. I think the premise wasn't entirely original. We've seen this story in one form or another a million times, but that doesn't really mean anything as long as it's well done. I'm not sure if this movie is begging to be made, but I think it should garner you some attention. It got into the story quickly, grabbed your attention and was successful at creating an overall creepy tone. I think the dialogue was solid and believable, but not that interesting. Which probably leads us to what I feel is the biggest problem: the characters are kind of boring. None of them are that interesting, so nothing that they say is that interesting. With this story being so dark and dreary and the structure being so matter of fact. It might help to have an eccentric character to liven things up a bit. I thought Julie was going to be that character, but I think her potential wasn't fully realized. She wasn't crazy or creepy enough and she wasn't knowledgable enough about what was happening to really draw the reader's interest. I think if you can take Julie and really run with that character and have a little more fun with her, it would greatly help the story. But overall, I liked it. I'm always down for a good witch story and if you throw in an indian shaman, I'm hooked. I also really enjoyed the ending. Having the tables turn a little bit, with Laura dragging Eleanor's corpse to the grave as she kicked, screamed was great, almost funny. I would have liked to learn more about what happened to the people Eleanor killed. Do they become the cats? Do they become her slaves? Is that why the two children were in the house? Is that why Julie was standing against the wall (ala The Blair Witch Project) after she was killed? I think explaining that could have made the ending a little more interesting and potentially a little more creepy. Again, good job, great solid story structure, the characters could be made a little more interesting.

I really enjoyed reading this script. It was intelligent, funny and well-written. It definitely shows that you have great potential as a screenwriter. The characters all felt fully realized. I especially liked the way you used the Moby Dick references to give more depth to Evil Hugo. It was a great way to give him a back story without having to spend too much time on him. I disagree with the one reviewer who said that it was too similar to Austin Powers. I never thought of Austin Powers once while reading this script. I did, however, think about Despicable Me. It wasn't too similar from a story standpoint, but it may be too similar from a marketing standpoint. I think if this story has a future as a movie it's most likely going to be as an animated feature. It would probably be too expensive to make this movie as it is, live-action, and honestly, the story while hilarious overall was too cartoonish for a live-action feature. Overall, I think you're a very talented writer, and I enjoyed reading this enough that if I was the one making the decisions, you would have a job.