Daniel Hartman Jr. (Dallas, TX)

The Demon's Creed is overall a good script. The premise is unique, The structure is pretty solid, and the dialogue is rather good for the genre. The only reason I'm glossing over those subjects is because I believe you did a great job in those areas and I can't comment on how to do it any better.

I do have a couple minor observations, good and bad, that I wanted to address.

- At times, I was confused. There are so many different characters and groups that I had trouble figuring them out, at least, early on. You introduce the Larpers, The Black Trinity, Ax, Byx, Lazar, Jacob, and the Hedonites, and you mention Necrodemus and the Hive, it was difficult to tell how they all related to each other. Later on everything came together and I understood everything perfectly, but for the first 40 pages it was a little frustrating. It may just be that I wasn't smart enough to follow it early on, but that's honestly how I felt.

- Throughout the entire script there are instances where the characters say things like, "Where Creed?", instead of "Where's Creed?" or "Where is Creed?". That's just an example. If it's by design, then it doesn't sound right. It hits the ear wrong. If it's a mistake, then I get it. I do that kind of thing all the time. Sometimes I won't catch all my mistakes until the 8th draft. Check it out though. I started noticing it alot after page 30.

- I really like the idea of the Larpers. The thought that an army of gaming geeks are rebelling against the demons is funny to me. Not in a bad way. I think there's a lot of potential there to exploit what they are. Like at the end of the script when they're outside of the demon's lair using the LOTR references. That was good, and I think you can do that type of thing throughout the rest of the script. In other words, I think it would be funny to show their "geekiness" throughout the entire script.

- Years back I received some advice from a producer who read one of my scripts. He declined it, then told me why. He said he stopped reading after page 30 because he was frustrated that I kept using words he didn't understand. He kept having to look up what I meant in a dictionary. He told me to dumb it down and use more common words. I only bring this up because there's instances where you use words that the lay person might not understand. Words like "Chortles" and "Sniggers". Granted, those words are used correctly, but it's easier to say "Chuckles" and "Snickers", and some producers may scoff at that type of language like they did with me. Obviously, dialogue is totally different. The character's vocabulary should pertain to the character's intelligence.

- From page 45 on, the script was pretty awesome. I was able to follow it easily and the action scenes were top notch, the climax was really cool, and the "demon tattoo" part was a good scene.

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- The only BIG problem I had with the script is the "Wedding scene". I honestly did not like it and I don't think it works. First, the Larpers are at the wedding, which I'm not sure I buy. I can't see where Creed and the Larpers became good enough friends to invite them to his wedding. Second, when Gabby said, "Oh, no you di'in't!", it was a cringe-worthy moment. Then to have Creed turn to them and say, "Ouch, biiiig mistake, pal.", was almost just as bad. Finally, they run down the isle in the middle of a shootout? I just visualize them running down the isle with big smiles on their faces, then it FREEZE FRAMES as they jump into the air and click their heels together. I know you didn't write that, but that's what I pictured. It added an element of goofiness that wasn't necessary. Like the end of "Midnight Express". It was such a good movie until the end freeze frame shot.

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Overall "The Demon's Creed" is a good script that has the potential to be great. I can tell you're a good writer. I've read tons of scripts in my lifetime. Very few of them are perfect. One script I can recommend, that I have read, that I consider to be perfect is "L.A. Confidential" by Brian Helgeland. If you haven't read it, you should check it out. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's always good to study produced writer's work.

"The Demon's Creed" has a few flaws, but I know they can be solved with a rewrite or two. If I were a big time producer, it would be a script I would take a chance on.

Anyway, it's just my opinion. Keep up the good work!

THE OBSERVER

I've read many scripts in my lifetime from produced hollywood films to scripts from aspiring writers. I'm no expert, but in my opinion this script is a couple of drafts away from being great. The good far outweighed the bad in this script.

Premise: A very bold idea with a cult of evil fraternity brothers as villians could've come off silly, and truth be told felt silly at first, but then I settled into the type of world you created and went along with the characters on their adventure.

Story Structure: I felt as though the story flowed well. There was one scene that seemed to have no importance (EXT. CAMPUS page 21 & 22 with Candace and Dani), but you kept it short and it wasn't problematic.

Character: Q was a great character. A very appropriate character for this story. I enjoyed every moment he was on the page. Dani was pretty much as you say in the script a "damsel in distress" and nothing more. She only ceases to be so in the final moments of the climax, but there was nothing before to indicate that change. She didn't grow as a character. The supporting characters were very distinct. Each one having their own personality which made them easy to follow. Also, what happened to Purefoy? It was set up like the cops were after Q, even Dani had the dream of Purefoy gunning Q down, but then Purefoy never appeared again. It felt like he was a wasted character.

Dialogue: This is my only major grievance with this script. The dialogue seemed unnatural at many times throughout the script. The words were all there and you got your point across, but it just didn't feel like it's the way people talk. It was awkward. But that's what rewrites are for. I saw you posted a second draft of your script. I didn't read the second draft, but I did skim it and noticed that the dialogue seemed to flow better. But this review is for the draft I read.

Emotion: I did completely care for what happens to the characters. As I said before, Q is a great character and I wanted to see him and Dani get together in the end. Kudos to you for not conceding to a "Hollywood ending".

In conclusion: I've read some scripts that were so poorly done the made me want to pull my hair out. This script did not make me feel that way. I was interested the entire time and Q seems like a franchise character to me. You could base alot of good stories around him. I think you've really got something here. A bit more polish, specifically with the dialogue and it'll be ready to go.