Dave Gist (Hollywood)

This may very well end up the best premise war EVER! Citizen Kane eat your heart out. ...um...I mean Wells...Orson Wells. Dawn Wells uncle. Gilligan's tormentor.

I like the shotgun. Noise is good.

Neuro obsessive scriptamos mania? Freakin'...Brilliant!

I really like this story. There are just a few bits I’d address.

On page 48 the Surveyor uses the word ‘Equidistant’. It’s best if need be to use several small words in place of a single big word if there’s any chance the Production Company’s reader might put the script down to look it up in the dictionary, and suddenly thinks that pizza sounds good. They are no longer in your story as they are now thinking about lunch. Not a good thing.

The good news is that ‘Equidistant’ is the only big word in the whole script. An easy fix. I’ve seen scripts that are so filled with big words that the reader will throw it against the wall and stomp on it.

Next is the use of words that aren’t a part of everyday life. Such as...

SLAP! Marcus crashes Mayor Cort hard across the face.

I’ve never heard of someone being ‘crashed’ across the face.

Perhaps

SLAP! Marcus backhands Mayor Cort hard across the face.

or

SMACK! Marcus slaps Mayor Cort hard across the face.

There are about a half dozen spots where this is done through out the script. We want the story to flow as smoothly as possible so the reader keeps reading rather than pausing to contemplate the choice and origination of the verbiage.

Another example would be on page 15 when our hero ‘smirks’ after subtly threatening his workers with a long sermon if they don’t get back to work. Since the word smirk conveys contempt, it makes him look like a bit of a jerk where a ‘smile’ will make him appear as more of playful boss who knew that kind of threat would get his men, who he knows are good and decent, back to work. And after all, this is the part of our story where we are showing his redemption as a new and caring man at peace with the world

Using the EXACT word can make all the difference in the reader correctly grasping your intention.

For example when visualizing a front porch with a sofa or a couch on it, makes a house seem a little shabby. Where as a divan gives a porch a bit of sophistication.

What’s the difference? Nothing! Couch, divan, sofa. All the same thing. Yet I sit on sofas and couches, and people bred with class sit on divans. Get it? It’s all in the way it reads.

And let’s not forget that most studio executives are college educated and many have degrees in English lit, so we always want to write with small and simple words so as not to confuse them.

In all seriousness, a good rule of thumb is to write on the same level as Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books. Anybody can understand them.

So there you have it. My two cents. I would recommend this read to anyone and hope to see this come to life on the silver screen.

I liked this script. It reminded me a bit of 'Social Network' in that it's college kids in a struggle to make good. It's also quite humorous. I found the comic relief scenes with the Antag and his sidekick to be some of the best parts. I especially liked it when they are discovered hiding in some grass by a herding dog and instead of attacking them he lifts his leg and does his business on them. Hilarious! I did not see that coming. I also enjoyed how the script made these people of science very spiritually minded beings just as Einstein and many other scientists truly are. Nice touch and thanks for reminding me of this. The script is well executed except for just a few things I thought I'd point out.

The dialogue is good but some of the grammer is a tad off for college folks. Plus where they ask each other questions the sentence should end with a question mark.

On page 20 we see a scene of Jeff and Sat playing chess and in the very next scene they are doing it again. I'd have something to show that time has passed or even simply mark the second scene Heading as LATER instead of DAY.

And lastly on page 101 we see a scene with our heros getting out of their plane, then cut to Farnworth being arrested and then we cut back and see our heros getting out of the plane with exactly the same exposition as before. I know this is just a mix up on the part of the writer but it stops the reader in his tracks. Get rid of one of them.

Other than that I think this is a VERY smart script and would like very much to see it on the big scene.

This is a great story that's very well executed. The bad guy is the funniest charater in the script and some of the silly things he did and said had me laughing out loud. I love it when a script is written to make kids happy and hits the target. I went shopping after reading about half of it and kept thinking about it and cracking up causing other shoppers to look at me as if I'd lost my mind. I didn't care. It feels good to laugh this hard. I look forward to seeing this story as a movie on the big screen.