Jeremy McCoy (Underground, LA)

Well this one started off strong but faltered a bit once the ogres came into play. I think there is something good here to work with. A truly original story that is reminiscent of a Grimm's fairy tale. I'm almost sure that I have read some form of this as a child. The problem I think is with the visualization of the ogres and there home. I had to strain to try and picture what they may look like, and how they were able to do the things they were, at only six and a half feet tall. I think you have the bare bones of something good here. However, it is too mixed with its target audience. It is too cutesy to pander to an adult audience, with how you painted the ogres, and the Lumber Jackie lead character. However, if you took it down a notch, and maybe made the cast a bit younger, then you may have a huge hit on your hands. Sort of a live-action "Shrek" if you will. It would be a smash hit with the young adult crowd, because it is very fantasy oriented. The biggest reason for the younger crowd being a better audience, is because you have the ogres speaking English, in monotone and almost monosyllabic lines. This makes it far too simplistic for most adults. "Wrong Turn" was successful, however grunts were as far as the inbred cannibals could communicate with voices. So with a little tweaking, I think this script has the potential to keep little kiddies from going into the woods for a long, long time. It would also make a great play.

POSSIBLE FIXES:

1. Page 1. Instead of “flashes across the screen”, you need to write; “SUPER: APPALACHIAN MOUNTAINS – 1849”. Superimpose is what is used when scripting words that are to appear on the screen. “SUPER” is the abbreviation.
2. “Buzzing” needs to be in all caps. This is called a sound cue. Sounds cues are always in caps when the sound is pivotal to the story.
3. You are consistently using “the” when you should be using “a” i.e. the canvas, the group of mountain men, the line, etc. “The” can be used after something has already been introduced, otherwise it is “A”.
4. Remember the rule of sound cues, because I have already spotted several in the first page that need caps. So when you script the next draft, make sure to correct these formatting errors.
5. The next formatting issue is prop cues, and extras. These also need caps, i.e. group of mountain men. Cues are used for several reasons. One of them is that the Casting Director needs to be able to easily locate the characters, and extras, as does the Prop Master for props, and the Sound Tech for sounds. These are all basic requirements for a spec script, in order to assess the required budget, among other things. Just something to think about.
6. I don’t know how realistic it would be for deer, bears, and pigs to be standing around in front of hundreds of armed men, but I’m no expert.
7. Page 2. “weather” should be “weathered” and since it is part of the character description of Jasper, it should be after his introduction, not before.
8. The use of “Continued” in spec scripts is no longer necessary, not for dialogue and not for page tops and bottoms. Neither is “More”.
9. Page 4. “She hooks her thumb and herself and grins.” I don’t know what that means.
10. Page 5. “A small woman appears” that entire sentence can be deleted. It is unnecessary and confusing.
11. “lightning strikes sends” should be “lightning strikes send” and the sentence should be broken into two. One for Burt’s action, and another for Jackie’s.
12. 90 foot tall poles? That’s pretty big… like a 9 story building.
13. Page 6. Referee should be in caps, and is this the same tall man that stood between them in the first contest? If so, then introduce him as the referee there.
14. Page 7. The use of continuing in the slug-line is incorrect. Continuing is reserved for situations where the character moves from one location to the next, without breaking the camera shot, such as; moving from one room to the next, or from inside to outside, Continued is for a character moving to another location, but is part of the same scene, only the camera breaks away, such as; a man in the kitchen, then the man outside on the lawn. In this situation, you need neither. You could simple write “LATER” into the slug, or just leave it out altogether.
15. More improper use of ‘the”.
16. Page 9. The conversation between Steve and Jackie is hard to understand and tedious. The subtext is unclear. A lot of eye-locking and stares.
17. Page 10. “The man bends over and vomits again”. What man? This is what I mean about the constant usage of “the”. It is too vague and confuses the reader.
18. Page 11. What is Jackie sorry about? What is Greg motioning? Is he waving to get her attention, is he pointing in the direction of the other raft? What exactly?
19. Page 12. “pass that spot” should be “past that spot”.
20. Page 14. Jackie is pretty tough to hold the weight of the raft with 6 people in it, while it is being pulled by the current.
21. Page 16. So Carl was just going to punch a woman in the face, and Trish thought it was a good idea?
22. Page 17. What was Trisha’s look to Carl about?
23. Should be “close to the river”.
24. Page 19. You are using continuous for every single slug line… just a reminder for the next draft. These really need to be fixed. Otherwise it would be as if the film was taking place in real time, since there are no time breaks, cutaways, or later scenes to move the story along.
25. Page 20. “scraps her knee” should be “scrapes her knee”.
26. Page 23. “prep talk” should be “pep talk”.
27. Page 25. The whole “handle thing” does not work well. It is not enough to cuz that much fear. OMG, there is a handle on the chain. I see where you were going with it, but it fell short.
28. Page 27. 6 and a half foot tall is not that big, and especially not big enough to carry a huge sack filled with grown adults. Not to mention that Alex is supposed to be six feet tall as well.
29. They speak? In English?
30. Page 39. How can a 6 and a half foot tall Ogre bite the head off of a full grown human, in one bite. There are just some major issues here that I can’t seem to get around in order to disappear into the story. Like the fact that they keep bears as pets, but a full brown bear on it’s hind legs can easily be over 8 feet tall, and they are stronger than any ogre, or human.
31. “angry” should be “anger”.
32. There have been many typos throughout the script that I have not pointed out simply because it would take far too long, but I suggest on the next draft you really check for them. A lot of word missing an “s” at the end, or having an “s” when it does not belong.
33. Pages 41-42. The dialogue doesn’t make sense between Jackie and Alex. Who had the idea? What about the tire?
34. The whole Hansel and Gretel “too thin” thing is not working at all. How stupid are these ogres? They are smart enough to plot and plan, and to throw all there belongings in the river to deceive rescuers, but can’t see a person sliding from cage to cage, or that it is the same person every time no less.
35. Page 44. It takes a rake to comb the Ogress’s hair? Even the lice are Giant? It seems like we have entered a fairy tale world where everything is larger than life. There are some size scale issues here that need to be addressed. You need to make the ogres larger, and paint a clearer picture.
36. Page 47. ‘thongs” should be “tongs”, and they have tongs large enough to pick up a tire?
37. Page 51. So Jackie goes through the rest of the story in her underwear? I’m just curious.
38. Page 55. Should be “your next plan”.
39. Page 58. Now Alex is in her underwear as well?
40. Page 60. Why does she clutch and squeeze the axe?
41. Shouldn’t “INT. THE OVEN” be “INT. KITCHEN”?
42. Page 63. “whatever I have too” should be “whatever I have to”. There is a lot of improper use of the word too throughout the script.
43. Page 67. “Be calm” should be “Be cool” in order for the following “I’m an ice cube” statement to work.
44. Page 71. Why is he pounding his fists against the dirt wall?
45. Page 73. You are consistently using “stomp” when you should be using “stump”.
46. Page 76. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So these nests full of wasps, managed to survive being stuffed into pot pies and, and baked in the oven or what?
47. How big are these pies to fit clouds of angry wasps in each one . How did they get the wasps into the Great Kitchen in the first place.
48. A side note, earlier when Jackie escaped with a “small sack” and climbed up the chimney through fiery flames and smoke, how was it large enough to fit a human leg bone?
49. Page 77. How did Jackie get her scorched axe into the kitchen? Also. How was the fire hot enough to burn wood, yet not her flesh. Was it simply because she got wet before she entered… which would realistically cause her to burn faster, since a wet rag heats faster than a dry one.
50. Page 78. Where the hell did Jackie get a rope from? I thought she only escaped with her scorched axe, and bag of bones.
51. Page 79. “the” should be “then, twice in the same paragraph.
52. Page 81. Where did she get this barbed wire?
53. Page 82. The honeycomb? His pies? I’m lost.
54. Page 83. “taunt” should be “taught”.
55. Jackie says “they miss you” twice.
56. Page 85. “ripe” should be “rip”.
57. “crosses” should be “cross”.
58. Page 86. “gapping” should be “gaping”.
59. Page 88. Why does sadness slowly creep back into her face?
60. The constant improper use of Continuous has made the story incredibly difficult to follow. Such as moving from the rocky area, to the park near the helicopter. I had to read that part three times before I realized that they had moved locations, and were just exiting the helicopter after already being rescued.
61. Page 90. Since when do Jackie and Steve have an intimate relationship?
62. Page 91. They couldn’t cut the net, yet Jackie just walked up and cut it with ease.
63. I saw the Trisha ending coming, but I like it.

Let me start off by saying that I’m not a huge werewolf/zombie/vampire fan simply because they are done to death… no pun intended. So I may be a little bias. However, great opening scene! I love how the script drops right into the heat of suspense. The characters are clearly defined and identifiable for the most part. “…and why is it wearing Kai’s shirt?” Hahaha. I laughed my ass off at that one, not because I saw it coming a mile away,(which I did) but because it was an “Oh no he didn’t” moment. Even better though… “This jackass owed me fifty bucks”. Fucking epic line. Love the bitch-slap on page 92. It was a pretty good ending. All in all it needs some work, on dialogue mostly, but also on the pacing and scripting of the action/fight sequences. It has some serious potential though. Horror/Comedy’s are making a comeback with the success of “Zombieland” and “Jennifer’s Body” so there definitely is a market for them when they are done correctly. This would most likely fall into the Rated R category, so since it's already past the pg-13 rating, you should do a little more with it, and really push the limits. It has some twists and turns, and still manages to follow the established story structure for this genre. I could easily see this one on the big screen.

POSSIBLE FIXES:

1. Page 1. Sound cue the spark of the lighter to add more intensity to the dull silence.
2. The ellipsis is used for trailing off. The double dash is used when dialogue is cut off or interrupted. So when Brandon is speaking on page one before the second howl, use a double dash.
3. Have the door burst open, or break down, but either way, wood does not shatter, and especially into a million pieces, unless it is blown up. Is the door glass?
4. Also, in the action sequences, and description, it appears as if you are double spacing after every period. Why?
5. Lose the dialogue parenthicals. They should only be used in extreme circumstances. Studio readers (at real studios) take off points when reviewing, if they find more than ten in an entire script. The reason is that they feel you are both trying to direct on the page, and not letting the actors act, or did not do an adequate job of conveying the tone of the scene in the preceding action. Either way, it’s just something to think about. Not a huge deal. I find myself wanting to do it too sometimes. Just fight the urge and trust that the tone is clear.
6. Page 2. When trying to annunciate a word in dialogue, use an underscore instead of italics.
7. Page 4. It’s funny, but doesn’t fit. Penny did nothing relating to pre-wedding jitters. They were not discussing her behavior lately, but simply the fact that he never sees his friends anymore. So it is out of place.
8. The voiceover feels out of place, but we will see how it pans out as a whole.
9. Continued is no longer necessary for dialogue, or page tops and bottoms.
10. Page 5. What made Wes draw the conclusion that Roland was driving simply because Penny said that he was running late. Walking their stuff out to the street, instead of loading it into one of their vehicles didn’t tip him off. It just seems a bit forced.
11. Page 6. The flow of dialogue regarding the desire to show off the SUV makes no sense. She wants him to bring the SUV to show it off, and then says that the friends shouldn’t resent his success. I suppose the subtext is what is confusing me. I see the direction, just not the execution.
12. Page 8. “new car here” should be “new SUV here”.
13. CD’s huh. How retro.
14. Why is Roland reading the map and not Debbie?
15. Page 9. “let you off” should be “let you out” since they are not on a bus.
16. Wes’s dialogue is not coming off funny, just annoying and stupid.
17. Page 10. GPS is hardly fancy at this point in time, but I’ll go with it.
18. Roland seems very pointdexterish at this point. Wes is just slamming beers while they drive, and throwing empty cans around, or Kai sticking gum on the seats. It just seems blatantly disrespectful and childish. The characters seem as if they are in their early twenties, not thirties. Roland’s reaction, and repeating don’t distract the driver seems out of place. There would be more anger in his tone.
19. Page 14. The dialogue is too on the nose.
20. Page 16. How did Brandon know what the jar said, if Roland hadn’t showed anyone yet? Did he hear all the way over where he was, or did Roland walk over to him and show him?
21. Improper usage of the term “yours truly”. It is used when referring to oneself, not another party. It’s a not so common misconception.
22. Just a side note; you have the characters calling each other by their names far too much. It is not natural dialogue. So watch out for this on your next draft.
23. Page 17. Kai was really about to key the SUV? How are these guys even friends? Nobody was forced to come. They are all there by choice. If they have that much resentment toward each other, then why the hell are they even hanging out?
24. Page 18. OK, the December or so bit is getting really, really tired.
25. Page 19. They are sure eating a lot of stew. Maybe give them a new activity when we go to the later scene. Possibly drinking cocoa, or passing around a bottle of liquor. Maybe roasted marshmallows for dessert, but stew for the fourth scene segment in a row is a bit much.
26. Page 20-21. Kai is just coming off as an asshole. Penny tried to be sympathetic and he attacked her and belittled her input, even after which she still offers him a Tylenol.
27. Is Wes on bowl six or seven now… who the hell is he, Shaggy from Scooby Doo?
28. That was very abrupt with Kai taking off then the howl, then the eyes. The scene advanced far too quickly. Work on the pacing of the campfire sequence. Less stew eating and more build up of Kai’s infected wound.
29. Do they see the eyes? If so then it would have to be pretty close.
30. Page 22. I love the fact that a scary beast comes out of the woods and into camp, and their reaction is to sit around playing the guessing game, and not to run or defend themselves.
31. Page 23. So Mr. responsible never closed the hood, huh?
32. Hahaha. Do we see the silver bullet moving through the air, a la slow motion matrix style? Otherwise we wouldn’t know it was a silver bullet.
33. Page 25. I’m curious to see where you are going with Darcy’s character. Is she like the head werewolf or something? It’s clear that you have made her emotionless, indifferent, and unafraid of death since the beginning. Just as Merle was “hypnotic” earlier on. I’m anxious to see how this plays out.
34. Page 32. Roland’s reaction to his wife being decapitated is pretty mild.
35. Page 33. “pass” should be “past”.
36. The dialogue throughout the script could use some work.
37. It’s funny, but every time you refer to the cast of characters as “the gang” I instantly think of a movie titled Scooby Doo and the Werewolf.
38. Page 35. So at this point Cowboy should only have the two huge handguns to reload, since he tossed both the shotgun and the rifle to the ground outside in the clearing. Just checking.
39. Pages 41-42. The dialogue is getting worse… and like I said before, characters’ constantly addressing each other by their names is no bueno.
40. Page 47. The dialogue is getting consistently bad, unrealistic, and cheesy… and not in a good way
41. Page 54. If another person tells Brandon that he is jumpy, I might have to stop reading, and call it quits. Haha, not really but damn it’s getting old.
42. They have been running from supernatural creatures since around page 23, yet are just asking who has a cell phone to call for help on page 54. Hmm.
43. Page 55. Penny asking if he packed her phone??? Who the hell packs a cell phone? It goes in a pocket, or in a purse. This is what I mean about the bad dialogue beginning to distract from the story as a whole.
44. Page 75. “battle royal” should be “battle royale”. I’ve been trying not to nitpick typos but I figured I would at least point out a few to help you out.
45. The constant bickering back and forth between Penny and Brandon is beyond annoying at this point and totally over the top.
46. Page 79. So Wes has just been lugging around these two massive handguns the entire time, since entering the school. Jus like Brandon still had the lighter and cigarettes. These plants are a stretch.
47. Page 82. OK the art easel poster, that was crucial for Wes to run back and do, is completely stupid. The movie is far too bloody for a PG-13 rating, so what’s with the 12 year old humor???
48. Page 84. Since the beginning of the script the entire relationship between Penny and Brandon has been inconsistent, and unrealistic. It seems as if the writer is unfamiliar with relationships, or at least conveying them on the page. Their redemption is cheesy, and manufactured.
49. Pages 89-90. Cowboy runs into the closet while Brandon is in there, then back to the hallway? I’m trying to get a picture of this scene but it seems jumbled, and in reality, like most scenes in this script, would be damn near impossible to direct for the simple fact that the close calls are all very unrealistic. The isopropyl alcohol incident, is also BS, as well as the way the scene is written. The explosion would be a nothing… a poof at best. Trust me I know explosives, and flammability.
50. I didn’t know that the Prince of Darkness needs to stop and catch his breath.
51. Page 91. Jumpy??? Oh, no you didn’t! All those annoying references were not a build-up to that one final punch line were they? It’s cute, but just no.
52. Brandon just stands there while cowboy caresses his girl and talks shit.
53. Haha. I was wondering when Wes was going to come to the rescue.
54. Not a bad ending, some good humor on the last two pages.

Alright I just finished this one. I have to say it's the first of its kind that I have read. The story is complex and at times daunting. I can see this one being turned into a feature film for the Sorcerer's Apprentice, Harry Potter crowd. It has a hint of adventure similar to "Legend" (Tom Cruise) peppered with the dry comedy and heavenly characters of "Dogma" (Kevin Smith). However, as it stands it would require the combined budget of the entire Transformer's franchise to produce with any adequacy. Some of the character's are very likeable, (Casio is my favorite) and others...not so much, but that's not always a bad thing. It needs some work as far as pacing goes, but I'm sure that the next draft will flow much smoother. I think a much better title would be "Two of Hearts"... you will have to read the script to find out why. Anyone familiar with Orange County, CA. would feel right at home with most of the scenes in this one...well the ones that take place on earth at least. The ending needs more... redemption for the female lead would be a start. An opportunity to confront her father, the reuniting with her hero...at the very least. While Charlie's journey is colorful and vast, Gem spends the entire story in a dark and stormy hamster wheel, with rattlesnakes nipping at her heels. Either way... it was an entertaining read, and has the potential to be a slugger in its genre.


POSSIBLE FIXES:


1. Page 1. “confidant” should be “confident”.
2. Page 2. Drop the “CUT TO’s”, as they are unnecessary for a spec script.
3. “Weathered” should be “whether” and should really just be changed to “if”, since there is no “or not” at the end of the sentence, and it makes more sense.
4. Gem’s description should be in the same paragraph as her introduction.
5. Page 3. The dialogue is coming off stiff, and forced.
6. I‘m hoping that the contents of the documents held by the Taylor’s are later revealed, otherwise what is the basis for their accusations? What makes Charlie a lying deceiver?
7. Page 4. Dialogue “continued’s” are no longer necessary.
8. The use of “we” in action sequences is outdated, i.e. we see, or we cut to. So the trailing off after the leaves blowing needs to be fixed to eliminate the CUT TO.
9. More description is needed for the “Saddle Back Gravel Company” scene. Make it “the bed of a truck”, instead of “the truck” implying that the viewer had already been introduced to the truck. Also, the sound of the cement bag hitting the bed needs to be in all caps. These are called sound cues, and are always in caps.
10. Why does he call his co-worker Sir? I see he calls the bus driver Sir as well so I’m assuming he is just a very polite, well-mannered individual.
11. “Santa Anna” is spelled “Santa Ana”.
12. Is Charlie loading them by hand or with a forklift? If it’s by hand, then you should make the bag of cement that was dropped, burst open, otherwise it wouldn’t be an issue worth the co-worker pitching a bitch.
13. Page 5. Lana’s dialogue needs some work. Also Gem’s reaction to the text seems a bit extreme and unprovoked, robbing her character’s likeability. Give a little more explanation as to why she needs to react this way.
14. “Gem throws her notebook” sentence needs some fixing. It’s hard to follow, and punctually inadequate.
15. Page 7. Did you mean “ black jeans, a size too big”?
16. Page 8. “to hard” should be “too hard”.
17. So Charlie was going to punch a female in the face, for angering him? This doesn’t help to make his character more likeable.
18. Page 9. There is an extra line space in False Face’s dialogue.
19. Page 10. I thought Gem’s notebook was still back in the dorm room after she threw it in anger. Did she go back for it?
20. When did they break up? This usually takes both parties being aware that they are no longer together. Was the text the breakup, or the scene where she stormed off? Either way, add a little more detail to the scene that defines their breakup, i.e. Gem screaming “it’s over”.
21. Page 11. Is the water in a cup or a bottle? I see that you later reveal it is a glass of water, however this point needs to be noted upon its introduction to the story.
22. Page 12. More spacing issues.
23. Page 13. Additional spacing issues as well as formatting errors. When False Face is speaking, where is she? You are using (O.S) which means Off Screen, when you should be using (V.O.) which means Voiceover. Off Screen is used when the character is present in the scene, but not seen in the shot. Voiceover is when we simply hear the voice, but the character’s location is insignificant. In this case, it is very hard to follow the scene, and difficult to know where Sinn, and False Face are as far as the inter-cut locations.
24. Page 14. “shinning bronze” should be “shining bronze”.
25. I’m reading the pdf version of the script, so I don’t think they are conversion issues, but there are a ton of hangers in the script, i.e. sentences and dialogue that split between pages at tops and bottoms. You should try to tighten it up a bit on the next draft.
26. Page 17. So what happened to all the innocent victims of this supernatural test? The people on the bus, and the people in the house party? Are they just collateral damage of this heavenly test for our young lovers? The bus went off a cliff, and the house was torn apart by sheets of falling glass.
27. Page 19. I like the banter back and forth between the Gem and Charlie. You can tell that the writer is familiar with relationships. Just possibly tone it down a bit. The witty banter is now over three pages deep and distracting from the story.
28. Page 23. I thought she never actually drank from the glass of water given to her by Sinn, due to the fact that he was a stranger at a party giving her an open drink, and the sight of him almost made her eyes vomit. It seems like our cynical damsel would not be that stupid.
29. Why would the platform be lower? When she is trying to head lower, it would be higher, if she was successfully descending.
30. Page 27. It is very hard to follow the entire scene of the glass platform and the staircases. I tried to visualize to the best of my ability with the description provided, yet I felt like I was running through a never-ending corn maze. Possibly work a little more on the detail of the scene. When Charlie “equips the belt” does that mean he puts it on or what?
31. Page 29. Where did Sinn come from? Did he just appear, or is this a voiceover? He was not included in the scene description.
32. Just a technical note. There may be an issue with using an actual University such as UCI, which is why many films use make believe colleges.
33. Page 30. Should it be “academic carrier” or “academic career”?
34. Page 34. “chard skeletons” should be “charred skeletons”.
35. Page 38. Over slept should be overslept. It’s one word.
36. Page 41. “this instance” should be “ this instant”.
37. Page 42. “Like a dear in the head lights” should be “Like a deer in headlights”.
38. Page 43. “bellow” should be “below”.
39. A large amount of time has passed since we left Charlie on the bridge. Approximately eight and a half minutes of screen time. Yet he is still there. You have a pacing issue that needs to be addressed here.
40. Page 45. “losses” should be “loses”.
41. Page 48. Once again it is very difficult to picture the scene of the memory pools and the battle between Charlie and the wolves. I can tell that you have a clear image of the scene in your head, but it is not as transparent on the page.
42. Another huge problem is that this scene is 8 pages long!!! No scene should be longer than 4 pages, unless it is absolutely crucial, and then it can slide with 5. However, 8 is far too much. 1 page is supposed to equal 1 minute of screen time. A possible fix for this… since the preceding scenes with Gem run too long without the appearance of Charlie, you should consider cutting back and forth between them. This would help tremendously with the pacing of the second act.
43. Page 50. “New Port” should be “Newport”. Just as in the beginning “Saddle Back Gravel” should be “Saddleback Gravel”.
44. Who the hell is Mr. Dorset? I thought Gem’s family was the Taylor’s.
45. Page 51. “vanilla envelope” should be “manila envelope”.
46. Page 56. “starring” should be “staring”.
47. “gently pushes Gem closer” should be “gently pulls Gem closer”.
48. Page 57. “me in the world” should be “me and the world”.
49. Page 58. Just like the CUT TO’s, FADE INTO, and SMASH CUT do not belong in a spec script. No camera angles, or directions whatsoever should be in a spec script. I understand that Amazon does no care too much about formatting or many other key elements; however, any other contest, competition, agency, or production company will hold you to a very strict industry standard. So why cater to the lowest common denominator, such as AS? Go for the gold, and do the right thing, even if nobody is looking.
50. “sun if directly” should be “sun is directly”.
51. Page 59. “infinitive” should be “infinite”.
52. Page 62. Cut “there are” before MANY PEOPLE. So the sentence makes sense.
53. Page 63. “looseness” should be “loosens”.
54. This was another very long scene… 9 pages!!!
55. Page 66. “scene bellow” should be “scene below”.
56. Page 67. First line has font problems.
57. Page 68. “show up to today” should be “show up today”.
58. Page 76. “an SEVEN” should be “a SEVEN”.
59. Page 80. Who is Norse?
60. These scenes of the memory pool and floating discs are incredibly hard to follow, and may be absolutely brutal to direct without the writer on location pointing out exactly what he was going for when scripting them.
61. I’m lost!!!
62. Page 82. “For to long” should be “For too long”.
63. Page 85. “bellow” should be “below”
64. Page 86. “starring” should be “staring”.
65. Page 87. I thought that Connolly had the belt. How does Charlie just grab it?
66. Page 88. “lightening” should be “lightning”.
67. Page 90. “bellow” should be “below” again.
68. Page 92. “Chocking” should be “Choking”.
69. First it’s several stories above the deck, and then it’s twenty. Which one is it?
70. Page 93. “starring” should be “staring” again.
71. Page 95. The dialogue makes no sense. Charlie is talking about it coming naturally, like leading an army into battle, as in a football game. There was also an earlier reference to him still having an arm. Which I’m assuming is meant to lead the reader/viewer into vaguely thinking that he is a former football player, and a QB to be exact. With the lost USC scholarship etc. Here is the question though, when he makes a reference to playing against Arizona State a few years back; how is this possible if he is only 19? There are some plot holes that need to be filled, as well as questions answered about what Charlie’s past holds, and his football background if this is a substantial part of his character.
72. I’m done correcting typo’s, but there are many more that are going unnoted.
73. Page 97. This scene was a whopping 18 pages long before Charlie is finally reunited with Gem!!! Or before we even see or hear from her at the least. I understand that the location moves from one spot to the next, but there were no cutaways, no inter-cuts, no breaks from the long grueling battle in the sky. This part of the third act needs some serious life. I know that it was filled with action, but it needs a chance to breathe, an influx of oppositional juxtaposition.
74. Page 98. Seriously lacks emotion. When the two young lovers are finally reunited the cold sterile dialogue of “Come on Gem, we’ll get you fixed up. Let’s go.” Is far from suitable. This kid has just battled through heavens and earth in his conquest. All of which was a test of their love, and souls. I think he should be a little more elated to see his love.
75. Page 99. The violence between the two of them is a little too much. Gem is made to be an imbalanced violent psychopath with daddy issues. Not the greatest damsel and leading lady.
76. Where did the knife come from? It just materialized, because you made it seem like it was already there once before? Try re-writing that sentence.
77. Page 103. “Sinn tosses the boy by his out of his boots”???
78. Page 106. Is False Face yelling her dialogue, because the last time I checked she was still in the announcer’s booth?
79. Page 109. Gem’s character is coming off overly dramatic, and the closure seems like a false obstacle. Like Gem just has to say “OK I forgive you”, and the story is over, but is being drug out over 100 pages. Make their breakup more significant in the beginning, like let Charlie really leave her, and make it something of a larger magnitude. Not just that they have a tiff, then they’re fine until he texts her he has to work late, then she overreacts and it becomes some worldly battle. As it stands, Charlie simply said he didn’t want to risk her losing her education, and then this crazy bitch blows it up into WWIII. So let him actually have something to apologize for, otherwise it all becomes BS.
80. What the HELL!!!! That is the ending. Talk about being robbed of closure.

I decided to read this one because the premise is intriguing. Partly because it's similar to a short story that I wrote years ago, and partly because I just think that fallout shelters are bad-ass. Either way, I'm stoked that I decided to check this one out. It needs a little work on a few things, one of them being the length. After proper formatting, the script is only about 78 pages in length. This could actually be a benefit, allowing more room for character development, and some cheap scares. Yes, the cabin fever motif has been done, in both sci-fi, and horror. Not to mention the flood of Saw knockoff's that also use the approach of shooting almost the entire film in one isolated location. Nonetheless, this one manages to bring a little something new...and I'll admit, when you don't already know who is going to kill who, as the story begins, then horror is much more fulfilling. All in all, it could be a heavyweight contender at the box office.

Jeremy McCoy

POSSIBLE FIXES:

1. Page 1. Title credits are not needed in a spec script, but I like your idea.
2. Character dialogue continued’s not necessary either.
3. Space needed after Restaurant Lounge Slug before dash.
4. The extra line of space is not needed between Character names, and dialogue. The script is already only at 83 pages. After fixing this scripting error, you will probably lose another two pages at least. Something to think about. Proper formatting ensures proper screen time estimates. Everybody wins.
5. Page 2. Cole’s dialogue should be “and I’m lucky”.
6. Page 4. The “killing all guards” part of the Newscaster dialogue needs work.
7. A ton is a lot of radioactive material.
8. They need more of a connection to the threat. If the materials were only stolen today, there would not be enough time to prepare them for use in the same day. Not to mention they were stolen all the way in Illinois, and the character’s are in LA. You should have the news say that the materials were stolen two weeks ago.
9. Page 6. The dialogue got overly dramatic far too quickly.
10. Luke and Jessica have too much dislike for each other, unless it plays in later. The dialogue is getting too “we should all”. It’s like announcing and agreeing on everything before doing it. This is never usually the case in real life.
11. Page 8. Slug says moments later, but they are at a completely different location. Try not to note each small passage of time in the slugs. Let it flow naturally. If you feel the need to note it, just know that in cinema, moments and minutes are too very different things. Moments are seconds.
12. Luke and Ashley scene is uber-cheesy. Work on making it more serious.
13. Page 9. Jessica is coming off too bitchy.
14. You are forgetting to put a space before the dash, in all of your sluglines.
15. Page 14. Top of page, “as hey go” should be “as they go”.
16. Jessica just says the same thing over and over.
17. Let’s not have the 18 year old making references to the Cuban missile crisis, which took place long before he was born. It just seems fake.
18. Page 16. You have “if anything does happen, then “should anything happen” right after it, then “something happens”, and “hasn’t happened” in Luke’s dialogue. Needs some reworking to make it flow better, and sound more natural.
19. Page 17. There should be a little more happening here, before they all just rush to the fallout shelter. Also, what’s with the handheld cam shots? Leave that out, it is cliché, and also up to the director to decide those things regardless.
20. You’re also missing a lot of sound cues that need to be in caps.
21. Page 18. You missed two caps in Brendon’s name, first dialogue.
22. More missing caps for Brendon.
23. I don’t like the Luke/Brendon exchange here. Let the tension escalate slowly. It seems rushed.
24. Page 19. This is about the fifth time that we have been told they can survive down there for two weeks…and that Cole’s Dad was a survivalist.
25. “All we have to do is wait out the next two weeks, and that will be hard”. This line and much of Luke’s dialogue needs some work.
26. Five minutes after learning that the city is under attack, and everyone they know may be dead, they all decide to turn in for bed? Hmmm.
27. Two seconds after freaking out about the fear of dying, Ashley is ready to screw?
28. Page 22. Maggie’s dialogue needs some work.
29. If the engagement party was three weeks ago, then what were they celebrating last night? Was it the wedding?
30. Page 27. Were Ashley and Jessica up all night, or did they sleep? Since it was now morning while they were in the bathroom, then Ashley is making breakfast. It was not really clear.
31. Page 28. Shag carpet line, did not land.
32. Maggie calls Brendon “man”?
33. Page 29. Cole joking about Luke’s new wife seems classless, not funny.
34. Page 33. They already knew something happened. Use this scene here to advance the story a little more.
35. All of characters names in Dialogue sequences are missing many caps, and have various formatting.
36. Page 41. Jessica says “you’re fucked” or “we’re fucked” an awful lot.
37. “Luke and Cole guy drag” needs fixing.
38. How convenient that the reservoir room has an airtight seal.
39. Page 49. You are writing very long action sequences. Try to break up the paragraphs at no more than four lines.
40. I like the connection and chemistry between Jessica and Cole. These two should be the surviving couple. Kill the whiny newlyweds. This is our Bonnie and Clyde right here. Work on Jessica’s earlier dialogue to make her a little more likeable, and these two characters will give you a great pair for the audience to root for.
41. Page 64. Remove the 2009 reference.
42. Missing a d on down in Sean’s dialogue.
43. Page 65. Mentions hijacked nuclear warheads; however, it was only a ton of raw material that was stolen. Continuity error.
44. Page 66. This is the third time that Sean has asked if his mom and dad were still alive. If he’s 18 years old, then I would think about making him a little tougher, as his character is coming off very coddled by Luke. Make him a younger child or toughen him up. Either way.
45. Page 69. Nope not married yet. So what were they celebrating that night? On the re-write you should have a little more focus on the party, and for what exact celebration it was for. Maybe have them saying goodbye to relatives, etc. Or explain more why Maggie the bartender was even hanging out with them at Cole’s house, to be in the shelter in the first place.
46. Page 71. Typos!
47. Page74. Having Luke fall to his knees. Then crawl all the way over doesn’t work. Let him rush over, then fall to his knees.
48. Page 75. Why does Luke “rack the shotgun” again after he never fired it since the last time he did it?
49. Page 77. Cole knocking Ashley out with the knife, is cliché and convenient.
50. Page 78. How is Luke attempting to flee from Cole, if he is on top of him pounding his face.
51. Page 82. Where did the shell come from? Was it the one Luke wasted before? If it was already in the gun, then why didn’t it go off?
52. Now it’s a nuclear core that was stolen?

I was drawn to this one because I liked the premise. I am a fan of all things post-apocalyptic. I'm not sure if you have seen the film Red Dawn, it is a Milius classic. The plots are similar. Here's the deal though, times have changed and we live in a PC crazy world where money trumps all things. Red Dawn the remake was completed years ago, and has yet to be released simply because they made the mistake of scripting the Chinese as the invaders as well. Since China now owns a massive amount of this country, and remains to be our leading supplier of goods, they had the power to pull the plug on the film. It is now being edited to make the new enemies North Korean. What I'm saying is that they had the power to edit it and move forward, only because it is slated to be one of the all new MGM's first summer blockbusters. You on the other hand, don't have this luxury. So you might want to switch your villain's, otherwise you will never be able to target the film to a mass audience.

It needs a good amount of work, and it needs to find one genre and own that. I feel like it is a melting pot of styles that don't taste too great together. It needs to be longer, so add more to the story. That being said, it has potential...maybe even as a Hallmark miniseries. Keep working on it.

Jeremy McCoy

POSSIBLE FIXES:


1. Page 1. The title info goes on a separate page, called a Title page.
2. CUT TO’s and DISSOLVE TO’s are not used in spec scripts. Nor are any other camera directions.
3. The ellipsis trails off of the action paragraph, which also happens to be six lines long. Limit action paragraphs to four lines, and always use proper punctuation.
4. Sound cues are written in all caps, i.e. the CLICK of a pen.
5. Mexican Hat needs quotation marks.
6. Townsfolk and small children need to be all caps.
7. “A loud clap of thunder and the sky opens up. It’s all he can do to make out a small neon sign that says COFFEE SHOP.” This does not make sense.
8. You will need to go through and clean up many spacing issues.
9. Does Sgt. Burton talk to himself a lot?
10. Page 8. I don’t think his knowledge of the English language would deteriorate simply because he removed himself from society. So if you feel the need to give him dialogue when he is alone and speaking to himself, try for something more.
11. Why would he throw his fishing pole into the water? OK. Now I see that he did it to avoid giving away his presence to the chopper overhead. Nice detail.
12. Page 9. The excessive parenthicals are unnecessary, i.e. (In disbelief).
13. Page 19. Sgt. Burton’s dialogue is getting very “Smokey and the Bandit”.
14. Page 26. Sgt. Burton comes off a bit too brash when conversing with Reese. It seems unprovoked.
15. Page 29. The campfire conversation is a little thick with the accents. Maybe tone it down a bit.
16. Page 33. I think that Addie and Sgt. Burton have far too close a relationship, in a short amount of time. As far as the story shows, they only met once, over a slice of pie. So how could they be so “longtime friends” with each other. I think they need a little time to develop. They are arguing like a divorced couple.
17. Page 35. The flashbacks for each of the characters may be a bit much, but we’ll see how it plays out.
18. Page 37. The group is far too willing to give up command to the Sgt. There would be more of a fight.
19. Just curious…where did these rebels get rocket launchers, and heavy weaponry?
20. It may be too soon for a montage.
21. Page 38. There is far too much joking and goofing off going on. This is starting to turn into “Major Payne”.
22. The accents are just incredibly thick, and I’m not sure how I feel about the long monologue on pages 40, 41, and 42.
23. Page 56. TJ and Kodder getting busted by the Chinese is written like a scene from a buddy cop show.
24. There is a lot of cutting between time periods in this story.
25. Page 71. Sgt. Burton goes down in a hail of gunfire. It may be too soon to throw such a large obstacle at your protagonist. If it is only a flesh wound, or a non-lethal bullet wound, then you should note that.
26. Another note. All of the supporting characters are so similar that I have no visual idea of who is who, and it gets hard to follow.
27. Page 72. You sure have a lot of serious action being carried out by decrepit war relics, such as Russell. It is hard to imagine a grey-haired old man doing the things you have them doing, that is, without breaking a hip.
28. The “Chinese ambushing camp scene” and the movement to the mine, is very difficult to follow. I am trying to get a clear picture of the scenes in my head, and I just can’t really see it. Try to make things a little clearer, and work on the timing and flow of the scene.
29. Page 74. The banter between the thick tongued old men is killing the momentum of the scene.
30. So where is Sgt Burton??? Was he buried in the rubble? Did he die from his gunshot wounds?
31. Page 79. TJ and Kodder in the mining car had potential to be a good scene, but the comical slapstick injury is really not suitable for a serious film. The characters at this point are southern actors playing the parts of the “Grumpy Old Men” flick.
32. Page 80. Burton finally back.
33. Page 81. Kill TJ and Hodder.
34. Page 83. It is a little too convenient for Sgt. Burton to just show up with some extra horses for the others.
35. Page 91. Once again, there is a very “buddy cop” or “fish out of water” type of comedy splashed into every scene. Also, you have these old men doing ridiculous things that would be almost impossible for any elderly actor to do. If they were alive and fighting during the Korean War, then I doubt they would still be doing back-flips in 2011.
36. How is Reese now taking on an entire futuristic army of Chinese soldiers, hand to hand, with re-bar and a .45? Then we have time for Sgt. Burton to give another one of his Burt Reynolds one liners.
37. What ever happened to Sgt. Burton’s bullet wounds after being gunned down before entering the mine? Can he just continue to get shot, without ever wincing?
38. Where are the rest of the people? The whole village of people that ended up in the mine with them just disappeared from the story.
39. Page 92. Oh yes, the Deus Ex Machina that I saw coming from around page 15.
40. “It’s as if Caesar has returned.” This line has absolutely no place here other than to plug the title. It should go.
41. Page 93. Of course they know each other.
42. The ending is ripped from a 1940’s western. It does not work at all for this film.

First off...this script is in the wrong genre. It belongs in Sci-Fi, Fantasy, or even Comedy. It could do very well with the Harry Potter, Percy Jackson crowd. The title needs to be changed to something a little catchier, and less dark. The script should be repackaged to target the solid PG-13 teenyboppers that would eat this material up.

So after reading this one, I really think it has the potential to be a serious earner at the box office, or at the very least it would make an excellent TV pilot for a 1 hour "Buffy" style show on the WB network. I am excited to see where this one ends up, after it gets reworked.


Jeremy McCoy

POSSIBLE FIXES:

1. Continued’s are not necessary for character dialogue.
2. Religion teacher? Religious studies, or something would be more suitable, considering it is a Catholic school, and religion is embedded. Plus it sounds more like a subject and less like a topic.
3. Page 3. Extra space in Adam’s first dialogue after people.
4. 10 commandments should be Ten Commandments.
5. Adam’s expository noting of his parent’s death seems forced.
6. Page 4. CAPTOTE should be CAPOTE
7. Cut “Homophobia in action”, because you still have “if she wasn’t gay” on page seven.
8. Page 4-5. The dialogue seems fake and riddled with in-your-face exposition.
9. Page 6. “Stupid head”? Really…
10. When you introduce one character you use, AMBER, 17, but for another you use ADAIR (15). Whichever one you choose, keep it consistent throughout the entire script. I also noticed that you are giving some character’s last names, and not others, but not necessarily in order of importance.
11. Page 8. The constant barrage of drum roll comedy, is too much.
12. All of the males are very feminine, and the females are aggressive.
13. Page 12. How many suitcases were left, because it says “it”.
14. Page 13. Capote’s first dialogue is inconsistent with that of her character. It makes her sound much more like a snooty rich girl, and less like an outsider that we are supposed to root for as a misunderstood misfit.
15. Telling us the character’s thoughts with little side quips like “weird girl”, may not be the best approach, since it does very little for the screen.
16. Page 22. The exposition about Eva’s reason for wanting the book, should be held until a later point in the story, allowing it to come out naturally
17. Page 25. “So he has talked about suicide” needs a question mark, if expecting a reply.
18. Page 26. When Eva asks if he found Father Michael, does not work well. Why would she just assume that was what happened. Not even “Oh, you heard about Father Michael?” Exposition should be subtle, and flow without speed bumps.
19. How many 15 year olds do you know that have seen Casablanca repeatedly? I see that you are trying to place the characters as outsider, rebel, retro, free-thinking, hemp & punk rock, but it is coming off as forced.
20. Page 31. You are using repetetive speech many times for various characters when trying to convey tone in dialogue. It is tiresome to read the exact same thing in action, parenthicals, and dialogue.
21. Adam’s discovery of the Father’s “thing he wanted to show him” is contrived. Let him discover it himself. I doubt that he would’ve forgotten, and then needed Capote to remind him.
22. This script is quickly turning into an episode of “Wizards of Waverly Place”.
23. Page 41. Lose the wink.
24. Page 46 It is unclear, as to whether they are in the hallway, or Adair’s dorm room.
25. Page 65. Eva pushes Adair to the bed, doesn’t make sense. The scene is not painted correctly. Also I’m not sure how a nude sex scene involving minors would fit into a PG-13 rating. Capote breaking out a bottle of whisky earlier was already pushing the bounds.
26. Page 66. Adair’s dorm room. I see that you are making the suicide preparations but you need to paint a more vivid picture of this scene, in order for it to work well, and add the shock value that you are going for. Let him ponder a moment, and make it clearer. Tares should be stares. Let him climb out, or do something bigger than “takes a step”.
27. Page 72. Capote asks Adam if he has been doing other weird things. This is what I was talking about earlier, when she had to remind him that the Father had something that he wanted to show him. He needs to have the discovery himself, let him be the one to bring up the other things that are happening. He is the protagonist, and therefore needs to take the reigns at some point. In your desire to make Capote your superhero, you are missing key elements of character development. For both of them. As it sits, Capote is all knowing, uber-cool, and oh so above everyone else, and just pretends not to show it. Then Adam is basically a bumbling fool that would not remember to dress himself if it wasn’t for the all powerful bestie.
28. Page 73. You are scripting too many pauses in the dialogue. The characters are beginning to sound like they have speech impediments.
29. Hahahaha. OMG. Did I not just say that Adam would need Capote’s help to dress himself? Here we are, not two pages later, on page 74, Capote has to remind Adam to dress himself before going out. That is classic. So yeah, you def need to work on making Adam a little more self reliant, and allow him to remove his testicles from Capote’s handbag…if she’s not too cool to own one.
30. Page 76. Cut Adam’s 3’rd dialogue down to – “Well?” and it works better.
31. Page 85. Who is Stacey? How do we know that she has a crush on Capote? Since there is no way of conveying all of this information to the audience, with just a look from down the hall, this part is best left out.
32. Page 86. It may be too convenient that Adam wanted to have Capote meet him at the chapel.
33. Page 87. Scooby Doo like final showdown intro.
34. Page 91. After being stabbed in the chest with a dagger, by the spawn of Satan, Adam says “well, shit”. Needs some work. Unless you are going for a poppy costume comedy, and not a serious thriller. Otherwise it's perfect.
35. He was already lying down.
36. Page 92. The jump to the car crash does not work at all. It is too abrupt.
37. Page 96. How did they even escape in the stolen car? If Eva was there the whole time, then where was she at when Capote came to, and carried Adam’s lifeless body all the way out to the parking lot, and loaded him into a stolen car, that she magically had the keys for??? Then Eva sends Brent down the highway to wait for them to drive by, so that he could cause a wreck??? There is something missing here.
38. Page 100. I know you did not just have Father Casby say “excellent”!!! Not to mention Adam has already said it about 15 times.
39. The ending is abrupt, leaves many unanswered questions and needs a lot of work.