Glenn J. Devlin

Space Cadets is script that is rife with strong visuals and an interesting premise. Kids are trained at an underground facility – Area 51 no less - to save the world from a menacing alien fleet. Discarded by his negligent parents, Fintan goes through the highs and lows of training to become a cadet before emerging as a hero at the battle.

First, Fintan is an interesting character. He is pretty much ushered out of the house and sent off to “boarding school” instead, he’s shipped off to Area 51 where he trains as a cadet before graduating into fighter and thrown into battle. At the end, he is humbled by Nizhoni’s death. A very nice arch for the character to go through.

However there are some things to mull over before embarking on the next draft. It’s not clear where and how Fintan’s dreams originate from. It was confusing how it plays out in the story. I could not make the connection of what triggered the dreams between the alien battles and Fintan himself.

I felt that the opening of the script was rushed. His parents really were eager to get rid of him off to boarding school. It was not believable. His parent’s dismissal of him was not a real factor in the rest of the story. I would suggest a hero’s journey approach. He’s offered the chance to go to boarding school but turns it down until there is some event or situation that compels him to go.

The first part of the story is slow. Yes there was a threat of an alien invasion but it became kind of distant as Fintan made his friends and went through his training. The story did not really pick up until around page 45 or so. Instead of interchanging of what is happening on Mars and back to earth with out any threat perhaps have a minor skirmish or an attack where the alien’s “succeed” and Fintan “fails” in his first encounter. He’s a hero and he goes on the journey.

I would also suggest removing we see and we hear. Avoid directing the director. Avoid camera angles – WE PULL DOWN…

Last – some of the writing – while good – comes off a little passive. Ie:
and a large, ugly spaceship, black
and looking like a cross between a Jellyfish and a Spider is
coming towards us.

Instead:
A large ugly spaceship, looking like a cross between a Jellyfish and a Spider, glides through space.
..coming towards us..that’s directing the director.

Work through the script and try to omit passive sentences such as she is coming…he is going. The action is happening now so it should be he goes…she goes to the door.

Another example:
Inside the tent, which is a few hundred feet across, there
is a lot of activity

Try: Inside the massive tent, a buzz of activity.

All in all..it was a fun read!

As I read through this script - there is a great premise buried in here some where however the script is bogged down by several things that need to be overhauled.

First - the dialog. It needs to be really slashed out. Darien does a lot of the talking and even though it addresses his mental state it is way too expository as Darien virtually explains every step of his action by repeatably talking and explaining. It became very tedious and wore me down as I struggled through the script.

The rest of the characters were the same - there was a lot of dialog that was simply expository that had nothing to do with how the plot unfolds. Dana calls to complain about having air conditioning and finds out that it is broken so she argues over the phone that has nothing to do with the plot.

By taking out these non-plot events, you will be able to slash the script down to a trim 100 to 110 pages. Only include scenes that contribute to the plot.

Look at page 78 to 80 for example - Dana tries to call her grandfather but he is not availble. Instead, we are treated to ongoing dialog as she chats with the operator to find her grandfather and then chats with Ferral in the room. There's no sense of urgency. You could slash the dialog by having her attempt to call her grandfather and then give up - omit the operator. You can slash pages 78 to 80 to one page or even a half a page.

As I said - what started out to be a great premise this script has a lot of promise but it is bogged down by heavy handed dialog that needs to be stripped out.

There are quite a few good things going for this vampire script. Allen has set up the mood - a foreboding fog shrouded island that houses a prison on the night that a prisoner is to be executed and somewhere in the bowels of this blood drenched script, vampires lurk!

This was a fun read and it can be done on a small budget too because of the confined locations which make for a claustrophobic and spooky feel.

Next - we need to focus on the writing styles at times. Often the writer uses words such as starts, begins. She starts walking to the door. Instead of starts, try: She walks to the door. He begins to eat the dead body. He eats the dead body. The action is happening NOW! :-)

The writer missed the chance to open up with an even more horrifying opening. According to the legend, the Chinese vampires were brought over by ship and during a storm, some folks were thrown over board and some drowned - all of this is NARRATED.

Instead of narrating this why not have the first 5 pages of a chinese ship crashing through the waters in the late 1780's..thunder crashes as the ship approaches the island and all hell and blood lust breaks out on the ship! Then we move to the modern times...I think that kind of opening would be awesome.

Last - I think the writer has struggled at times to develop the main characters. I struggled at times to stick with who the hero was. Revia was against the death penalty and went to the island but she carries a dark secret which is what attracts the lead vampire in the first place - the evil within - which is also a great theme.

Alas - the rest of the character development gets lost in the awesomeness of blood-lust and they need to be fleshed (excuse the pun) out a little more...

I would see this as a fun direct to DVD movie in the vein of that Project Greenlight movie "Feast"

best of luck!

I think you have the makings of a pretty good story here that has potential to be rife with conflict. A disgraced daughter ends in coma and her half black/white son is forced to life with his mother’s family who pretty much don’t want to have anything to do with him – especially Walter, Alvin’s grandfather.

However, the plot is mostly driven by awkward dialog that does not feel natural. It feels forced. The people just stand around and chat. And at times, the dialog pushes the plot and explains too many things.

The scene where Walter yells at his daughter’s photo then intercuts to the surgery of Diana was interesting but a little strange as if you were trying to make some kind of spiritual connection. At the end, Alvin’s mother comes out of surgery and Walter is grateful.

Why did Kathy resent Alvin – that was never really explained or I missed it. Walter’s resentment of Alvin works because he was angry at his daughter for running off a marrying a black man without his permission. That works.

I would suggest trying to rewrite the dialog and read other scripts of how conflict unfolds. One such script I could suggest is Ordinary People or Krammar vs Krammar – people in everyday conflicting situations.
Don’t lose the story elements..work on how it flows and the dialog.

The Cop Killers is a noir themed script that is written in a hardboiled style. A style that certainly works very well. The writing is professional and tight. The dialog has its strengths but I’ll address the dialog in the next few paragraphs.

I liked how this script ended. What is set up is that Niner has to rescue a girl or get payment of $300,000 to get her back or she will be killed. That’s the hook – the ticking time bomb. And at the end, the whole thing was one masterful set up that point to a cover up that involves the kidnapped girl. And in the end, Niner is forced to kill her in self-defense. That’s what I call raw and hardboiled. Nothing is what you expect in this script.

This is what makes this script stand out from the rest here – the writer keeps it “real” as possible.

Now I’m going to address two short comings. As the story progressed, I was finding that dialog often drove the plot rather than the actions of a character – this is supposed to be a character driven movie yet I find at times that the dialog was pushing the plot – dialog that pushes the plot works in television but not in movies. I’m not saying that the dialog is terrible or on the nose – the dialog is GOOD – the problem is that it is expository at times – which drove the plot.

Next, Niner is a guy that is haunted by something in his past. He carries a chip on his shoulder. This I get and I could connect to the guy but I had a hard time latching on to the supporting characters in a way that I wanted to identify with.

One example would be Santos - I did not have an in depth feel for Santos and at the end, she dies – her head blown off by a sniper shot. The problem is that as a reader, I didn't care and Niner did not react to her death. So those were the things that stand out for me character wise.

What needs to be done is to give each character an identity – one who wants to quit smoking. Maybe Santos is coming off a painful divorce. Give us something to latch on to the characters because they were getting lost to me in the flurry of dialog going back and forth.
All in all – this script is a few drafts away from pushing it to the next level. I think I see Shia LeBouf playing Niner in this one. Good luck, man!