Mark Devlin (Sarasota)

THE LONG WAR is the story of two childhood friends, TOMMY (weak) and BOBBY (strong). The weaker one is picked on by HOSS, a bully and extortionist. The story takes place from the late 60s to the present day, starting at high school, through the Vietnam-era and on to the present day. 30 years after bullying Tommy at high school, Hoss reappears on the scene with a new appetite for mayhem and extortion.

I thought the premise was good, I enjoyed the story, it kept my attention. The dialogue is believable and the situations realistic. I think it has good potential and would give it 4.5 stars if it were possible.

The story starts strong although perhaps an introductory scene where the boys are even younger helping each other in some way, even if it is just under the movie titles.

While the buddy relationship is very well developed the main weakness in the film is Tommy's and Bobby's relationships with other characters. Tommy does not have any interaction with girls in the high school years - there's too much talk about doing it, but not enough actual action. A few more misadventures with girls would set the tone better. Bobby too has little interaction with other characters - maybe more with his Aunt?

Similarly, at the end Tommy seems to have a weak relationship with his girlfriend. I am not sure why the wife needs to have died some years before. Perhaps his relationship with his wife has grown tired and the sudden threat brings them together again. She doesn't need to know the history.

I feel that Tommy does not only have to overcome his weakness, but that he also has to have something worth fighting for. It has to be shown more that he's ready to fight for what he believes.

Going back to the Vietnam era. What does Tommy do while Bobby is in Vietnam?

I am not sure about Mr Folger's involvement. Rather than simply showing a folder in a drawer, how about actually showing him being taken around a house, perhaps as the establishing scene of the present day life.

Some of Hoss's insults are repetitive. Think of a few standout lines for him - the suck a ball through a garden hose is old.

The ending is excellent and very uplifting. How about Tommy actually going there instead of sending a letter.

I hope these comments are useful and look forward to reading the next draft.

PS: Make the synopsis clearer and more punch to get people more interested in reading your script.

I have had an interest in Wilhelm Reich for a while and have read a little about his life story.

The main issue I have with this draft is that there is little reason to care about Reich himself. Why is his story important? What are the emotional take-aways from this script? At the end I want to feel that, even if he was completely wrong, that his demise was something terrible, sad, and thought provoking. I also want to know how his demise affected the other characters in the story.

My suggestions are either to write the story more from Reich's perspective, or tell the story from someone else's perspective.

If the story is about Reich then we need to see him learning and formulating his theories and fighting against different obstacles to try to get his ideas heard - even if it is a doomed enterprise. We would need to see how Reich acts on an emotional level to his challenges. This can be done, in part, by showing how he helped people with his work, how he sold and presented his ideas, and how he sold his concepts to those around him. How the rich and famous were fooled by his ideas.

The story could alternatively be told from an outsider's perspective. This could be the wife who loves him but has to let him go because he goes to far; one of the assistants who works with him, falls in love with him, realizes something and betrays him; or a psychiatrist who tries to understand him - is he a charlatan or a misunderstood genius. You are probably aware of the Kate Bush song Cloudbusting. In that video Kate Bush plays Reich's daughter in a mini movie that has a nice emotional take-away at the end. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRHA9W-zExQ

It could even be told from the perspective of the people trying to destroy him. There's lots of potential to create conflict and drama from the interaction of these characters.

I am not sure how much the alien/area 51 subplot is based on truth but I think it cheapens the story. As does the glowing in the Orgone Accumulator.

The dialog is generally fine, although you need to cut out introductions, thank yous and obvious stuff. Reich does not need to ask about the Maryland plates for example - they can just be shown.

I would also leave out the President/ Hoover and Hitler and make it so that ambitious mid-level guys were trying to get to him on their orders. Mysterious forces.

I would also suggest that you set the story up with a stronger first scene, a pivotal event, that excites the reader and sets up a question that can be resolved later. For example, if say you had a psychiatrist examine him at the beginning the question would be is he crazy or not. Then as you go along you would be presenting evidence of either position until it would be resolved closer to the end - or maybe not resolved at all (like the ending of Inception). Another question would be is a man who promotes the idea of free love able to love? Then show his interactions with lovers, wife, love of work etc.

Finally, you need a better title. I Dream of Organon or a part of one of his quotations would be better.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to contact me through the mail system if you'd like to discuss more. All the best!