Lauri

Only read the first few pages and then gave up. Woefully inept writing, showing a lack of understanding of grammar, punctuation, and word usage. Clunky, repetitive, on-the-nose descriptions and dialogue. No sense of place/time -- kids didn't wear pajamas in the old west. Ridiculous situation -- the Texas Rangers didn't show up on people's doorsteps just in time to prevent them from spanking their kids (I assume this isn't intended as a comedy).

Just read the first 2 pages. The broken English and laughable/wooden dialogue made me give up at that point. Doesn't read like it was written by an adult.

** SPOILER ALERT **

I read the storyboard before I read the script, and I was curious about how AS had translated this script into storyboard form. I wanted to see whether the concerns I had about the story originated with the script or the storyboard.

The script is professionally written, fun, and fast-paced. The action scenes and dialogue are especially good. The description is often really fun to read and there are a number of cool visuals. Regrettably, the storyboard leaves out most of the best dialogue.

My biggest concerns are in the areas of character and plot.

The characters have more dimension in the script than in the storyboard, not surprisingly, but they still feel thin to me.

Michael is the usual wisecracking hero, who somehow has Bourne-level fighting skills despite being a desk-bound grad student.

Sarah is the usual "girl" -- a stakes character with minimal stand-alone identity; for example, she’s identified as Jewish but this point has nothing to do with the story (which is otherwise full of religious elements).

The villains also seem rather generic and the identity of the main villain is WAY too coincidental.

Harry is the most developed and fun secondary character, but his exact role seems unclear.

Petrov starts out fun, but becomes much less interesting once he's Killian

As I noted with the storyboard, the logical/theological basis for the plot seems unsound, as detailed below. I can accept all sorts of supernatural events in a script, but the "rules" need to be consistent and make sense both internally and in relation to real-world history and tradition.

pg 24-5: I find the whole idea of calling the Codex "God's oldest book" troubling since it clearly isn't. It's simply one manuscript that happened to survive intact. The Dead Sea Scrolls are older versions of the same text. It's still possible to use the book as a plot device without giving it this disputable title.

pg. 29: Why would letters found in Israel, which date back (as we learn) to the Crusaders 800 years earlier, be in Sanskrit? Latin makes sense, as would medieval German, etc., but there should be a reason explained for the Sanskrit, which makes about as much sense as Chinese in this context. If nothing else, the characters should comment on this odd juxtaposition of languages.

29: Neither Michael or Sarah has much of an emotional reaction to the girl being killed. Also, they never mention that the people they're dealing with are so ruthless they'd kill someone just to get M&S out of the room -- which seems like (literal) overkill, btw.

41: I wasn't clear on why, if the Thule society had known about the Codex for 800 years, they needed Michael. If they're powerful, it seems they would have had many chances to steal it or at least read it or examine copies. I think you need to make it clearer that the clue is something not visible in copies, or explain why there never were copies.

45: Having characters named Peter and Petrov is confusing.

51: As others have suggested, I think it's better to create an imaginary agency rather than using the NSA.

51-52: The idea of a federal agency that deals with prophecy is interesting but underdeveloped, and the agency itself seems inept, understaffed, and un-directed.

55. A key unanswered question: WHO put this code into the Codex, and why? Why would someone who WANTED the devil raised make the directions so easy to lose/forget? What's the point of the trail of breadcrumbs?

Also, I assume the actual message is in Hebrew, which Michael says he isn't good at. So it seems either that Sarah would read it for him or he'd use google translate. (And he seems oddly unfamiliar with the work that's supposed to be the basis for his thesis.)

58. That's quite an announcement Killian makes about Christ, yet no one seems to react.

Why don't S&M seek help from the Sgt. or at least tell him about Killian? It's not clear what side the soldiers are on.

61. Why doesn't Killian finish off Harry on the operating table?

67-8: Not clear whose dream this is or what the point is.

72: It sounds like Steiner already knows the incantation. How?

74: Again, WHY does the spear + incantation work in this way? WHO is responsible for this setup?

76. Why did M miraculously recover before S? And where did he get the skills to defeat trained killers?

78. Did Steiner's own father brand him? If so, the characters should comment on this. Again, this seems like melodramatic overkill -- there are easier (and less painful and easy to discover) ways to get a few words across a border.

86-6. Seems odd that M&S would be leading this expedition with very little support. Who put them in charge?

88. I like the frozen Nazis. Best visual in the script.

90. Mixing Christian, pagan, and Satanic imagery here doesn't make sense. Why would the Nazis worship both Jesus and Satan? At least this should be discussed.

93. I'm not understanding the rules/theology here. Did it take a magic spear to kill Jesus? Why? The point of the gospels is that Jesus was God made flesh, and thus could be killed like any human. Also, since Jesus had to die to atone for the sins of humans, was Satan doing God's work by making this possible? At least these issues should be addressed and wrestled with by the characters.

95. Thyssen just happening to be the leader of the Nazi cult seems awfully coincidental. He just happened to be running a history department in LA where Michel just happened to be a student??? If he was keeping an eye on Michael all these years (why???) it needs to be explained how he got himself into this position.

(For example, you could put a mole in the Vatican who knows about the letter and is a secret Thule member. But Thyssen would need years to develop the kind of resume to put himself in that position... which seems very far-fetched. Not to mention the risk that Michael would change majors... So it just seems like a house of cards. Is there any reason Thyssen NEEDS to be the dean??)

98. What's the point of blowing up the mountain other than to create a big bang? Seems like a useful place for the Thule guys to have. (BTW, how did they manage to misplace it?)

120. I liked the fight on the cross.

121. How is it that the same spear that can kill Jesus-as-God can also raise the devil and then kill the devil? It seems to play for both teams, and again the “rules” seem totally arbitrary, which makes them unsatisfying.

In comparison, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Ark had a particular history and defined powers -- it was a "radio for talking to God" and it made an army that used it invincible. It was clearly playing on God's side. The Nazis were misguided in thinking it would play for THEIR team -- and suffered as a result of their arrogance.

Also, the point of Raiders could be expressed as "beware of messing with things more powerful than you can imagine."

I'm not sure what the point or theme of Codex is. Many times it's mentioned that Michael lost his faith, or maybe never had any, but it doesn't seem that his faith or lack of same drives the plot or influences any crucial decisions. He seems to explore the secrets of the Codex from a scholarly curiosity, and simply the human need for answers. The quest doesn't seem to satisfy any spiritual need he has.

Other than via physical prowess and mental acuity, how has M "earned" his reward in the end? We don't see him challenged morally, or making any hard decisions, or experiencing much emotional impact from any of the things that happens. He's just going through the action hero motions.

Lots of fun stuff here, but there seems to be something missing at the core that would pull it all together.