pete mitchell (los angeles)

Great opening, strong and tense.

Maybe have Alex break out earlier? It might be cool to have him escape from the operating room somehow. It seems like a let down to have it be a dream.

I know that later you reveal, through the doctor, that these were ongoing paranoid dreams he was having. And that makes sense. So with that in mind, it probably doesn’t work to change the beginning. But give it a little thought. It you can find a way to make it work, I think it would be a more intense opening.

The reveal that Midge is a psychic, that she has a history helping the police, feels a little quick and glossed over. Maybe reveal that in stages? It reminds me of Improv scenes where the person throws all this exposition out at the beginning of the conversation.

We don’t need the CUT TO’s to demonstrate Alex’s bipolar nature as the doctor explains.
We’ve already seen it.

“Enjoy your bath…” “.. Cause it’s your last one ever”
I don’t think we need those kinds of lines. I know it’s consistent, he does that stuff before. But I think a creepy close-up might be stronger. Let the audience assume he’s thinking that.
I know you want to clue us in to the fact that he’s planning to kill her soon. But for me, it makes him less creepy and menacing, and instead makes him slightly silly.

Maybe break up the big chunks of action towards the end. Just for formatting purposes. It starts to jumble together. Try to keep 3 or 4 lines per paragraph.

The realization moment for Midge is a bit quick. There’s no build up of evidence for her. She just sort of realizes that Deb is in trouble. This could be played a little better, in a series of smaller reveals maybe? It feels sudden.

The timing of having everybody rushing towards the island seems a bit off. To combat that, you might start that part sooner, even before the real Alex and Deb chase begins.

I like that she stabs him with the shears, that way she gets to be the one to save herself. But maybe you could set up the weapon earlier. To give us a little more payoff for that moment. You don’t need to of course, it might even be too cheesey to do that. But it might feel stronger if you could.

In general I’d look for ways to soften the reveals, make them seem a little more organic.

All in all, it’s a good script. It sticks to its genre well. Plenty of ‘oh shit!’ moments. The dialog is smart, realistic, and the characters are solid. Good work!

-pete

This script starts strong.

It has an engaging beginning, and a riveting ending. In this case, they are the same; the beginning is the end. Like many films, the story is how we get there.

This script is very well written, by a smart, informed writer. There are things that bothered me, but unfortunately, they are tied to the truth of the story. So I recognize the difficulty in changing too much. Having said that, these are my suggestions:

You begin with a bang, and end with a horrific, gruesome, and incredibly memorable scene, but most of act two is a slow plod towards that end. It's tricky with this kind of story, because you set up in the beginning where this is going to go. So there's not much in the way of surprises to keep us engaged. For me, the surprise came with just how violent and botched Mishima's endgame became.

So I guess I would've liked more strong moments sprinkled throughout. And I don't think it would necessarily involve inventing new scenes. I think it's just a matter of designing reveals, and increasing tension so that each scene ends with a bit of a 'whew' from the audience.

Along those lines, I think you have an unfortunate lead character. I say unfortunate because again, he's a real guy. So the things I don't like about him, you can't really fix. In a Beautiful Mind, the real life John Nash was bisexual. The movie left this out, because it would have confused the narrative. It wasn't important or relevant to the movie's version of the story. They understood that the truth of Nash's life, and the truth of the story they were creating, weren't the same thing.

I think you might have to make some of those choices for Henry. He's incredibly aloof to his wife, he cheats on her, he lets her leave the country without him. All because he's self-centered and possessed with Yukio. That's fine, and in fact if that were pushed, it would fit better. What I mean is, if we felt like Yukio's intense magnetic pull was the cause of Henry's disintegration, that would be better. But the truth is, that's not what's happening. Henry is kind of a bastard already.

So, likewise, we don't feel any pity for him when he loses his wife. Which takes the steam out of what could have been a nice mid-point reveal.

And then we have Henry's new relationship with Akiko. But again, I don't buy it. And frankly, I was surprised that they were still together at the flash-forward ending. The joke is that she says it was all based on good sex. And while his marriage to Charly failed, this relationship blossoms.

So, really I guess I'm talking about two things here: a slightly saggy middle, and a weak protagonist.
Now I know that technically, Yukio Mishima is the story's protagonist and Henry is just our POV character, but he's the guy we spend the most time with.

In some ways, there's a bit of The Last Samurai in here. Reluctant westerner, slowly falls for the mystic ideals of the East, set against a backdrop of a dying ancient samurai code. We have some similar stuff here, only 100 years later.

As I said, this is a good story, told by a competent story teller. And I think with a little work, this could become a great script.
-pete

i havent' read many scripts here on amazon yet, but this is by far the best i've encountered.
extremely smart and skillfully written. you clearly understand story structure and created strong, believable leads. i'd be pressed to find anything i don't like about this. i'd honestly have to read it again to be nit-picky.

so, i'll stick to these two generic criticisms, and i'm sure you've heard them (and are sick of hearing them) already:

1. the title. while it is actually the perfect title for this story, it's too soon and too close to Children of Men. maybe that won't be an issue for television, but i'd really love to see this as a feature.

which brings me to my next criticism:

2. while this would make a fantastic television series, and i know you wrote it with that in mind, i think it's too reminiscent of V. of course, it's very different, but we've just had V, and then Fallen Skies. it's a tricky time for alien invasion tv shows. unless they are drastically different. and with the hybrid nature of these characters, it's too close to the Starchild in V. again, none of this is an issue if this is a straight feature film. which, i think it should be.

soo, that's it. this is a fantastic story, and better yet, it's a fantastic script.
-pete

this has a really strong opening. gripping. great way to meet the protagonist.

unfortunately, i don't think is a horror. and it doesn't quite feel like thriller and suspense either.
it has elements of all of that, for sure, but it skates somewhere in between.

there are some genuine funny b-movie moments in here, (the italian couple kissing.. 'oh, antonio')..
which is why i would love to see this as a straight up horror-comedy, sam raimi style. that way you can really push the elements in a fun way.

don't get me wrong, i love the Indiana Jones/ National Treasure vibe, but then it gets too Twilight (with a gender reversal) and then straight up Matrix/superhero at the end.

i really like the silver piercings holding back the changes. that's fun. i bet a lot of people dig that part.
and i like the idea of sprinkling her own first werewolf encounter/ bite story throughout.

i've never been a big fan of good guy turned bad guy twist at the end. and speaking of that, you drop a lot of new information, plot-twisty stuff on us in act 3. that's dangerous. our brains rebel against that kind of thing. better to set stuff up in a way that we feel a sense of putting the pieces together.

if you wanted to keep this thriller/horror, than it needs more horror moments. the opening is great, and the killing spree in italy are great, but we need more. the first boat scene where she saves triton doesn't count, because it's not horror there, it's a superhero moment. we're on her side.

so, all in all, there's a really good premise here. and some really cool things that need to stay, but i feel like you would benefit from making a strong genre choice and then delivering that.
-pete

this is quite a good script, with some very witty, smart dialog.
there are some sincerely funny moments and some charming minor characters.

but that's also my problem. unfortunately, for me, the two main characters aren't as interesting as the rest of the characters. the ups guy, fulton, these guys have all the best moments. even grayson, as much of a jerk as he is, is more memorable.

and between the tow leads, joel is clearly more defined than liz. i'd like to see more of liz's character built, revealed. i want to see what joel loved about her. right now, it's not evident.

which brings me to my next problem. in fact, it's my only real problem with this script. the change moments, the revelation moments, happen mostly in montage. i think it's better to pull out some pieces of those montages and let them play out. let us actually feel the change happening.

along these lines, the ending feels tricky too. we only saw Liz learn the song in montage. and frankly, i forgot that she did. so when she pops in to save the day, in her moment of grace, it seems sudden and un-setup.

that's all. as i said, it's a really solid love-again story that just needs a bit of tweaking.
-pete

this was for sure one of the better scripts i've discovered on the site. i liked it enough to record a dialog track for it.

interestingly, i noticed things while recording the dialog, that i didn't notice just reading the script. i thought i would write a review to share what i found.

when reading the script i remember liking the dialog. it was smart, felt real, and kept me intrigued.
however, while recording, i found myself wishing there were more logical breaks. more pauses for action. more push and pull.

it's tricky with this type of movie. there is a lot of information, exposition to get across. typical of this style is a character who spends a lot of time researching and consulting allies before jumping on the attack. and this of course, is fine. but because of this, we need a way to heighten the tension, or jump-kick the sags. obviously its easier with a Bourne movie because Matt Damon can just hit somebody with a book and throw them into a sink, and we're giddy as schoolgirls.

with The Nevsky Project, it's not that simple. Mel isn't that kind of hero. yet. so it's tricky to find ways to get us out of the long stretches of talking, until the fast paced showdown at the end.

the dialog, while very intelligent and well-written, feels a bit like characters explaining things. maybe there's a way to rework some of the dialog to feel more active. moments of reveal. have new clues be the result of Mel's actions. have her ask the right questions. it's close now, but it feels like the characters have everything they want to say, and then they just say it. i'd like it to be a little more like a verbal boxing match.

anyway, as i said, i really like the script. and it's got all the makings of a great feature film. i think a little more care in crafting moments of revelation in dialog, would go a long way.
-pete