David Hanson

The aptly named Tom and Jerry try a new vocation and it blows up in their faces. Two recently fired slackers get the idea that they could get rich through piracy. Since neither of them knows how to sail a boat, a craigslist ad brings Natalie into the picture. Third time’s the charm in their endeavors and they get a bundle of money. Only it belongs to the biggest gangster in the Caribbean. The trio makes their escape and hilarity ensues. As they travel the routes of pirates of old, they make new friends, find new relationships as the villain closely pursues.

Premise: I loved the idea that Tom and Jerry would try a 16th century business plan today and in the same location. Once they make their escape, a wealth of possibilities are open to explore.

Story Structure: The structure is sound and works with the story.

Character: The basics of the characters are all there and work well. The supporting characters are the best and bring a lot of breadth to the story.

Dialog: The dialog flows and keeps the story moving.

Emotion: The stakes are high and we feel their pain along the way.

A few random notes:
I agree with 3 of Justin’s 4 comments about improving the story. I think the money works well for these guys and keeps the story going. Anything else they wouldn’t know what to do with.

I think the Caribbean is great backdrop for this story. Something else to consider is contrasting what pirates did 500 years ago versus these guys today. Just an idea.

The first two attempts at privateering were hilarious.

Juan, the deaf gangster was a nice touch.

All in all, it was a great read and a good story. I think you may have a contender here.

Good luck!

This was a really nice little script.

I am in the same boat with Matthew in that I am not the target audience for this and do not often choose this type of movie (although sometimes others choose it for me). But that aside, it's a really nice little story about three generations of women dealing with the past and the present. Alone, that premise doesn't excite me. But the story was good and I was pleasantly surprised.

I agree that for the most part the story does read like a play. I was thinking early on that doing this as a play and simply filming it may be a good strategy for doing a test film. But of course, that went away once they hit the road. That switches gears for the story and gets more into the action that Justin is talking about.

Some of the dialog seems a bit obvious. And from a guy's perspective, we aren't used to hearing women say exactly what they mean. However, I've always suspected when we are not around, they don't make things as hard on each other. But the story is rich in emotion and sentiment. It flows well and makes for an easy read.

The Frank Sinatra concert was a nice element and the moment after was very touching. I felt bad for Sarah having to face death (in the face, literally) twice in such a short period of time. That was rough.

But overall, it's a great little peace.

Premise - This is a fun script. It seem to me part Russ Meyer, part James Bond and maybe a little Tarantino. I love the IDEA of a modern sexploitation film, but that’s quite a gamble today. I wouldn’t call this a sexploitation film, but the elements are there. I wouldn’t call it a spy movie, but the elements are there. I wouldn’t say this is like a Tarantino movie, but that’s what we call anything snappy banter. I think the biggest issue with this movie is tends to wander from camp to being realistically rooted and back again. And by doing so, makes some of the borderline camp seem corny in parts. I’m not sure if this story has found its identity yet. But it’s a great script.

Story Structure - Great structure. There’s a lot going on and it’s never a dull moment. It does run a little long.

Character - The characters are well drawn. But Madison seems like a real person in a sea of campy and superficial characters. She doesn’t seem like she spent her whole life in the same town as Bud and Swade. Honey starts out as hardcore as can be, but in the end almost seems like another incarnation of Blowfeld. I don't know if she lives up to what she's like in the opening.

Dialog - At some points the dialog was kick ass, and at some spots corny. But overall was really good.

Emotion - Perfect for the genre. And a little heavier for our hero.

I almost want to say you should go full bore sexploitation/grind house, but that’s a tough sell today. But anything less seems watered down. This script has full bore moments, but then it also has watered down moments. It’s a great read and could make a great movie.

Great job!!!!

Now that I’m thinking about it, weren’t there Pirates of the Mediterranean also? How about the Black Sea?

Premise – This is the strength of your project. Vlad has a litmus test sitting in the fountain of the town square, and a Pirates of the Caribbean type adventure to steal it ensues. This has the makings of a fun movie.

Story structure – You’ve got good parts here and I’m not sure if the difficulties I had with it are because there was something missing, or your format and style were distracting me. There are little holes that need to be filled along the way and some stuff that doesn’t totally work.

Character – You’ve got the basis of some good characters, but I think the story may benefit from thinning the heard and changing a couple of names. Your anchor, though, Vlad the Impaler is the bad guy here. But not the level of evil you would expect from one of the most iconic villains in history. In this story, he's not truly evil, just MOSTLY evil.

Dialog – You’ve got some good banter amongst the band of fools. But sometimes it gets repetitive and could definitely be tightened up.

Emotion – You’ve got good energy amongst the gang, but facing Vlad the Impaler, there should be a level of deep terror. I don’t think the stakes were high enough for the Bat Gang. As the reader, the goal seemed like more of a dare than a life or death task. At any time, they could have run away and been fine. At times, I thought they should.

I mentioned Pirates of the Caribbean. If that kind of adventure is what you’re trying for, you’ve got a real potential with this story. You’ve got a good first draft.

A couple of story points:
- I didn’t get in the first scene why a prisoner would be allowed to have metal skewers in his cell. Later on, I didn’t really see how that scene fit into the overall story. It’s not a bad hook, but it seems out of place.
- I read your post about historical accuracies. That is very important and an essential task for you as a writer to understand your subject matter. Especially when it comes to a history most of us know nothing about. However, as a writer, we need to make it understandable for everyone in the audience. I hate to say this, but to most of America, if you mention Vlad the Impaler, would they make the connection to Dracula? You’ve got some good associations to the Dracula myth that could easily get lost if the audience doesn’t make the connection. Along those lines, does the audience know just by seeing the tattoo that it is the mark of the house of Draculesti? Do we know that Draculesti is his name? Does it hurt to just make it Dracula for the sake of your audience?
- Along those same lines, on Page 9, at the beginning of scene 6 you are describing Vlad’s Palace Hall, “A variety of ATTENDEES fill the court room – the usual SERVANTS, some NOBELMEN: FREEMEN, RZESI LAND OWNERS and the more elevated MAZIL LAND OWNERS, plus the usual scattering of the BOYAR ELITE, all come to petition the Prince.” I have no idea who or what all that is. And reading the screenplay, I don’t need to. Instead, “A variety of ATTENDEES fill the court room. SERVANTS and some NOBELMEN” works fine. If you get this film made, the Production Designer would probably appreciate that info, but not likely anyone in between. It’s a distraction from the flow of your story.
- There was a thread I posted regarding characters with similar sounding names. I got burned with this. Here you have FELIX and FILIP; ANTONIO and ARCHIMEDES. This can get confusing, especially when the banter between them ensues. You may want to consider changing one of the names.
- I like Vlad’s line about a situation being…rectified. That was funny.
- As I said above, what are the stakes in getting that gold that outweigh getting impaled? On page 60, Antonio says “We need to get out of this town.” I wondered why they didn’t get to that point a lot sooner. The reason…Freedom? I think they had that before they got there.

The biggest obstacle, and the first task in your next pass, is to write this like a screenplay. You have some serious formatting issues, style challenges and rules that are broken. There’s a lot of talk in the forums about formatting. Some of those discussions can get down to minutia, but it is very important in this industry.

Keep in mind, the script is the blueprint for the entire project. And as the architect, you need to make that design in such a way that all the other trades people can do their jobs. In plans for a building, the initial blueprints don’t show were every light socket is located or what color every room is painted, or what type of door knob is on the door. A screenplay should not tell the DP how to run his camera, the Director how to block his scenes, or tell an Actor how to act. You have these things throughout the scrip and it distracts from your story. People who read a lot of scripts are accustomed to a format. That format let’s them focus on the story and the pacing. Trying to read a differently formatted script is like trying to read a novel in a foreign language. Yeah, you can do it. But you spend as much attention translating as you do feeling the story. And that steals from your story.

I don’t know if you used a template in a word processing program, but the easiest solution is to get a screenwriting program. Final Draft, Screenwriter…whatever. Let it format for you. Also, there are some great books out there about the do’s and don’ts of screenplays. Here are a couple of the big obstacles that jumped out at me:
- Direction: Page 1: “ZOOMING IN”, “WIDE SHOTS”, “ARIAL WIDE SHOT”. There is a full page of direction before the first line. No director reading the script will like having a writer tell them what to do. I suggest pulling every camera direction out. All you need is a VERY brief description of what is essential to the scene. On page 35 you have a paragraph in the top half where a pigeon pecks Felix’s finger. While this is cute moment, this is all blocking that would be done by a director and does nothing to move the scene forward.
- Scene Numbers/Fonts/Dialog Margins: Generally, you don’t need scene numbers until you lock and start pre-production. At this stage the scene numbers are not necessary. 12 point courier font is the expected standard. The margins on your dialogs are too wide. The industry expects that every page of script is one minute of screen time. If you don’t have the proper format, that standard goes out the window. Also, if a character has another line of dialog before someone else speaks, the name above the dialog is followed by “(CON’T)”. A screenwriting program would take care of all of these issues.
- Capitalizing Character Names: This is as nit-picky as I’m going to get. You use your capitalization correctly in the scene descriptions, but just like in dialog, ALL the character names should be capitalized.
- Parentheticals: It’s not wrong to use them, but they should be used VERY sparingly. It’s telling the actor how to act. They don’t like that either. If you’ve got it in the dialog, you shouldn’t need to reiterate it. There are tons in this script and interrupts the flow of your scenes.
- Underlining for Emphasis: Like the parentheticals, they are rife throughout this script. In Screenwriting, CAPITALS are used for emphasis in dialog. Dialog only. And also used sparingly so they don’t lose their effect.

I hope this doesn’t come off as bad. I think you’ve got something here and I can’t wait to see it evolve. You’re off to a good start.

I agree with the suggestions for improvements in the other reviews (the media, Brandon being let to go alone, etc). But I think they are all minor issues. There's a lot going on and a little polish could take this from a good script to a great script.

One of the things I was confused about that I don't think was addressed before is how she did the money exchange. Another was how the Private Eye chose to zero in on Sarah.

Premise - I think it's a great twist to have Sarah kidnap Brandon to save Mark. That's something we haven't seen before.

Story Structure - I loved how this story hits the ground running at page one. It was a real page turner and easy to read. The first time I thought about if I was near the 30 page mark, I was well past it and hooked!

Character - Great job. Sarah was well drawn.

Dialog - Good.

Emotion - Great. I think we all feel for what Sarah was going through.

I think this is a great script. You've got a good premise, tight story, action, drama and emotion.

Sometimes a read is a chore. This one was fun and fast. Thanks and good luck!!!

First of all, I may be having a week like Jer's, so that may be affecting my review. Having said that...

I read this one cold. Didn't read the synopsis and I didn't read the reviews. Through almost the first half of the script, I wasn't sure where it was going. I didn't if this was more like Hannibal or Up in the Air. Jer kinda wanders through the present day story. But then there are the vivid dreams and visions. And even those seem unrelated to the vampire aspects of the story. I think something more defining in those first 30 pages needs to happen.

Premise - I think you've got something good to build on here. A guy goes to a conference and finds the vampires are recruiting.

Story Structure - Like I said, I think more needs to happen in the first half to keep the audience. Also, the flashbacks, visions and dream are frequent and stacked. And it's hard to tell if it's his subconscious or influences of the vampires at times. It's almost too much. If you are looking for an Inception type of structure, that's hard to do successfully. Also, as an audience member, I want to know if he's a vampire. Leaving the top spinning is a gamble that doesn't really pay off here.

Character - I know what the main characters in the story want, but they seem flat. And again, this may be my frame of mind, but I wasn't feeling these guys.

Dialogue - This probably has a lot to do with the character issues. But it seems the dialog is all business. Meaning that what they are saying is all about what their business is in that scene at that time. And maybe working that a little can add some dimension to the characters.

Emotion - The blandness of Jer's existence (at least in the first half of the story) was a real contrast to the dreams and visions. The first couple kinda suggests he's got some dark stuff going on, but that doesn't really pan out. We see a few times his issues with his wife, but like I said with the characters, it seems like its just business.

You've got a good premise. I think a good polish can really elevate this movie. A little more character work, clear up the visions/dreams/flashbacks, and get some defining action going on earlier.

Good luck!!!