Geoffrey M Gardner Los Angeles

Steel Eyes exists in a well worn genre, that of ‘artificial people’ and their complicated relationship with true humanity. Steel Eyes can’t help but draw comparisons to Blade Runner and Battlestar Galactica. Also, to a lesser extent, Bicentennial Man, and even D.A.R.Y.L.

I don’t think ‘Steel Eyes’ breaks much new ground with this draft, but it is definitely accessible if you’re a fan of the genre. Richard could take this story in a number of directions with future drafts, so these notes are only meant as encouragement:

There are a lot of action and chase sequences, and Richard handles these scenes well. Again, he doesn’t bend any rules with the format here.

Question: The movie opens with Caine killing a fax hooker, mainly because he's sad that his wife died some years earlier. Why is his grief heightened here? This either needs to be a flashback from around the time she died, when emotions are raw, or he needs to be messed up on some fake future super drug. Caine never seems this depressed or hopeless the rest of the movie, which is why it seemed odd to me.

I was never clear on the ‘humans to robots’ ratio in the world. Do faxes outnumber real humans 2:1 or is it even greater? If the humans are on the verge of extinction, why not be honest about the S class faxes?

SPOILER ALERT

The twist seems unbelievable. If Caine is a fax, all sorts of plot holes open up. Did he really have a wife (the other Fax said she doesn’t have any memories), does he carry DIGS, and how old is he? If he’s an S class, how can he tell by simply getting injured? I thought they were identical to humans. There wasn't any clear foreshadowing or hint that Caine was 'different'. The DIGS info comes after the fact, and I didn't really get an explanation as to why he was running around in the wild before any other S class models. I think it might be *cool* if most/all of "real humanity" is already an S class and they don't know it. But if that doesn't work, then maybe just a simple line about why he was "the first" S class.

Here are some minor edits/nitpicks:

pg 2 - “obviously a cop as no one dresses like this anymore”
Confusing line. Is he a 20th century cop?

pg 12- Need period end of sentence “Reaper yanks Claire's head back, her eyes ovals of fear”

pg 20- “Chevy realizes” - Is there another way to show this?

pg 82 - “Unread. Unreadable” - is that a typo?

pg 90 - Reaper moves faster than a bullet here. Just sayin’ :)

'Paperback Writer' is a story that's definitely having fun with itself. Richard does a good job of creating an inward looking and humorous critique of the "writing process," while at the same time telling a story that draws from our collective memories of 20th century pop culture (not just a decade, but the entire century!)

This is a strong first draft that could turn into a contender. Book ending the story via Hack's landlords, in such a way, made me smile. Maybe just a BIT more between Mr. and Mrs K in the beginning would really solidify that tragic relationship.

The visual tricks are complex, but thankfully Richard's writing style is concise and well thought out. I had to re-read a few scenes that go back and forth between Nikki/Hack and Kate, just to make sure I got it right, but overall I think it will make perfect sense on-screen.

Hack is a lovable idiot and, if played right, Nikki could be amazing. I really liked the dialogue.

The plot might be spiced up a bit by playing with the temporal order. It feels a bit too linear right now.

I wasn't sure what Kate's deal was until very late in the story. I like to keep things mysterious, but it might help to let the audience know a bit sooner. Really up to you (plenty of people probably told Spielberg to show the shark earlier).

On a personal note, I can honestly say this is the first script I've read with the scene heading "EXT. FANTAIL OF PADDLEWHEELER". Awesome.

Bravo, and I look forward to future drafts!