Leonardo Reis

We have here a very interesting story that has the merit of bringing something fresh to the usual genre concept, with a real low budget to film it. The writing style is very pleasant and it was a fast reading. With good and realistic characters, I see here a story with a big potential to be produced. So this time I will forget my usual review approach and go straight to my two cents contributions:

Technical/Formatting notes:

I think it’s necessary to break up the paragraphs to give us a smooth reading.

The introduction/presentation of the characters also needs a special attention. I think they have to be showed in “smaller packs” and beside a brief and unique description.

To be careful with the camera descriptions could help.

I’d like to see the “SERIES OF SHOTS” with the descriptions of each shot.

The “gravel roads - evening, near twilight” scene seem to me a normal scene not a Series of shots.

The parentheticals directions are usually written in lower case.


Suggestions (Spoilers here!):


How about open the story with a scene of Cole in his glory days? Show the audience he is a nice guy, that care about other peoples. He can risk his life to save some children or something else. He can even use his intelligence to trick the enemies. We need to like him to want to follow and root for him.

Now let’s know the antagonists: I’d start with the Fantoms main group first. The first I’d introduce would be Smooth, showing her good side - like caring about the hostage - while doing a bad thing - robbing a bank (we have to start to care about her at the very beginning to have a more strong ending) . I would introduce Mace as well giving orders (to show who is the boss) in this scene. And maybe Thumper being very aggressive with the Bank manager to put him in the car. Koko and Tools I would present them only on the next scene inside the car (too many characters at the same time is very confusing)

In the Fritz death scene, I’d consider Keyes being the man that kills him. I think that our Sheriff he could be more explored and this heroic act could help. In this scene, I was sure that Whiskey was dead and It was weird to me when he show up alive later.

I liked the entire action fast paced scene but I think it is a little bit long, since we don’t know anyone yet. You can use the car inside scenes to reinforce the concept that Smooth is a good girl, influenced by the bad boys.

Before Cole meets the Fantoms a would reintroduce him again, old now and missing someone(looking at her daughter for instance – I will use this later) in his living room. Then instead of the Fantoms find him, he could see them in his security system and go to talk to them.

From here I would go to Whiskey to found the Clarks and the main setup is ready. Or almost. Maybe it’s time to see Cole’s daughter preparing herself to visit his father (it could give a much needed sense of urgency to the second act).

From now on was a pleasure to see how Foster have dealt with his “hosts” but I think it is too many time in the same kind of scene. Cole is so calm that he shows us that he is in absolute control of the situation. Ok, he is, but this way there is no tension. The “daughter’s coming” idea could help to take him off his balance. I think that Thumper could beat and hurt him a little during the process (it could give a good revenge scene at the end) with Smooth making him stop and “saving” Cole. I think that Thumper could be Cole’s main antagonist, acting against him all the time.

Talking about the “fooling the bad guys” scene, I think we have a “I’m already seeing this” with Whiskey and the Clarks.

I think you could do the parallel with the old lady taking care of Whiskey but I think that doesn’t need to betray him. If she really helps Whiskey and he kills them when they are not necessary anymore, it will make the Fantoms more abominable and give us the idea that they will do the same to Cole.

Another idea is to have the Fantoms doing some bad thing (greater the villain, greater the hero). They can kill a cute wolf puppy (Cole’s pet) and you can show how they are soulless in some flashbacks.

However all Foster scenes are well constructed and smart I will consider to cut some them off.


Final thoughts:

Congrats on the great job, Mike! One of the best I have read around here. I think that with some little changes it will be ready to face the studios producers. I’d love to see it on the Big Screen!

All the best to your projects and good luck with the rewrite, my friend!

This is my first review in this genre, which I’m not a big fan of, but who doesn’t like a good mystery story?

Night of Red Phantom is a cool story, very well written by a talented writer which absolutely seems to be an expert in the genre.

Premise:

The premise is the usual for a classic modern serial-killer mystery. We have a title who grabbed my attention, and the reference to the famous Zodiac Killer could give the script some attention from the genre’s fans, but I missed something really fresh in the premise – something very hard to achieve in this kind of story.

Structure:

I’m not sure it has a 100% classic 3 acts structure with all his paradigms and details, but it’s perfectly structured to fit the best of the genre’s tradition.

Characters:

There is a profusion of characters and I get lost sometimes, having to turn in the previous pages to reconnect the things.

The main characters are well constructed and have distinct voices, but if they were constructed to get our sympathetic, to take us to care about them and their families, the final result could be even greater.

Another detail that bothered me is that almost of them are betrayed by theirs wife or betrayed them.

Dialogues:

The dialogues are undoubtedly a strong point of the script. They are pretty good and lead you thru the pages in a very fast pace.

The minor problems I found in them were related to the many characters (commented previously) and, in rare times, I had a feeling I was missing some important details of the criminal plot.

Emotion:

I really missed to get more involved with the characters and the victims to cheer for and care about them. Without that, I think that is almost impossible to build up the proper tension to create the desired chills in the spine.

Final thoughts:

Sir Eric C. Dickson,

It’s a intriguing story with great surprises and twists. Inserting some innovative element in the premise and working a little bit more in involving emotionally the audience with the characters can turn it in an awesome script.

For commercial purposes, I also would consider cut some pages off to to bring it near to 110 pages.

I hope my comments can be useful and contribute somehow with a future rewrite.

Keep on the great work and best of luck to your projects!

We have here an interesting sci-fi adventure with some good ideas and a lot of cools aliens, spaceships and full colored battles, but I believe it is in need of a huge rewrite to “go where no script has gone before” or at least further on. Let me try to give my two cents to help with its improvement.

Premise:

The premise has a lot of potential, unfortunately not plenty explored by the author. At the end I had the impression of watching a old (and long) Star Trek series episode.

Story Structure:

The structure is relatively ok, but a better setup would help the reader to go in the story. Maybe this had been done in the prequels but seeing it as single piece (and its good that can be seen this way) it would work better with a more careful introduction of the characters, theirs fears and goals.


Characters:

There are too many characters and is hard to follow each one. Seems that Bobby is the main one, but the story does not reflect him this way.

I think there’s a great potential here, showing the guilt and grief for killing billions of people (reminded me of Dc Comics’ Dreadstar ). Unfortunately, his drama resumes in only one or two sentences.

Dialogues:

The dialogues are too expository. All the time there’s some characters explaining about why and how they are working on a plan.

Sometimes they seem forced a lot, like in the “evil villain” statement (in full English) by the Energy Being at the ending.

You could also find another way to show to the reader with whom your characters are talking. Seeing the name of the “target” in the beginning of every statement, absolutely did not work for me.

Emotion:

As I said, all the characters are explaining something. It was impossible to me to connect with them as I don’t know them well.

The main quest for destruction of the Energy Beings and to stop the destruction of Earth needs a better setup. We do not know even if there are any survivors on Earth and the characters don’t show us a strong revenge desire, therefore his quest for surviving loss his potential strength.

Formatting and Grammar:

The introduction of the characters always tells us something that are not shown. It works to a book, not to a movie.

The descriptions of the environments and of the action are too long and rich. Once more, they are fine -- to a book.

You must use describe the scenes in simple present tense and do not use the gerund.

I would avoid the use of “you see” and “you hear” and the camera directions/views except when you think this use really is necessary tell the story.

You could also try to break your paragraphs in no more than three or five lines.

There a lot of “,”, “.” and “?” missing. They slow down the pace of the script. There are also some grammar errors that I, even with my “English limitations”, was able to find, so I think that a real proofread is necessary.

Final thoughts:

Well Lauren,

I think that if you forget all the very rich technical details of the battles you will have a faster pace and make us focuses in your characters and in their story. And more room to develop both.

I didn’t read the prequels for this one but maybe if you can mix the background stories and having “less movies”, have a more substantial and involving story and characters.

I hope my comments can be useful to help with a better script; it is the reason why I do my reviews.

I did some edition and notes in your script. If you think it can be helpful send me a Studio Mail informing your regular e-mail and I will send it to you.

Best of luck with your project!