Tracey James (Melbourne)

I agree with some of the other reviewers regarding the dialogue. At times it seemed a bit stiff and I'd think "people don't really talk that way" or "that doesn't make sense". I suggest just going back over and rereading, rereading, rereading the dialogue and cut out what doesn't work, or what isn't essential to the story. Read it out loud to yourself, or get someone to read it to you. I find that helps when I'm going over dialogue in my scripts.

The scene where the police turn up and get sent away, I think needs a bit more work. If they can hear the police conversation, Jake and Emma should be able to draw attention to themselves. There needs to be more of a reason why they don't. Why don't they throw something out the window? Why don't they call the police back right away? Most conference rooms have a phone in them, even if their mobiles don't work why can't they use a landline?

Those are the two biggest things I think you can work on. In saying all that though, I really enjoyed reading your script. I'm a huge fan of using flashbacks to tell a story and found the placement of them here to be perfect. Just as I was getting into a scene...*flashback*, LOVED it.

Great work and I hope it gets optioned for you.