Robert Hammond Walnut Creek, CA

Great story and characters. More developed than the first draft that I read a couple of months ago. This is a big improvement on bringing the third act together with more emotional satisfaction. Even though I don't follow this particular sport (speed skating), I could imagine the action on the big screen and felt empathy for the characters. This could get marketing help and product placement by working with profesional and amateur speed skating associations, sports equipment manufacturers as well as autism awareness groups.

For marketing to a broad, 4 quadrant audience, I'd eliminate the use of words like "fag", "bitch" and "damn" etc. They don't add any authenticity to the characters or move the story forward, so don't really serve any purpose other than to alienate some audience members.

Otherwise, the movie could appeal to audiences that like Soul Surfer, Rudy, and Radio. Good work!

Great premise and opening hook. Not sure I like the Kari's reaction dialogue to seeing a dead person, "I don't know you. Oh my God. Who are you?" Lot of "on the nose" dialogue. But the story is solid and it moves with a quick pace and surprise twists and turns throughout. Definitely something that could translate well into a low budget thriller with a good demographic reach.

A dark, contained thriller with good twists and turns. Plenty of action in this period piece. I love the fact that this story is told with only a few characters and a single location that could easily be translated into the stage or the big screen.

Took a good script and made it great! Excellent revision. Streamlined the plot and added depth to the characters. Nice dialogue changes and structural fixes. As the legend says, "Whosoever possesses Destiny's Lance will rule the world!" Look forward to seeing this on the big screen.

Great story, reminescent of Memento in style and with a Chinatown tone. Amazing production for a one-man-show. Very inspiring demonstration of what a single storyteller can do with the right tools. I particularly enjoyed the visual effects of the skydiving fall. Wondering if I could pull of something like this myself. Great work! Look forward to seeing this on the big screen.

This revision really changes the character arcs and relationships, making it a much tighter, more character driven action/thriller. The original premise still keeps the action moving at a quick pace, ramping up the stakes and broadening the action sequences. Thanks for giving a fresh take to this powerful concept.