Ronald Cantu (Houston)

Okay here is my review. For the record I am not a professional and have not done many reviews. It started out so well. I loved the way you set it up. It was definitely one of the best set ups. I liked how you had Titus starting as a burial worker. And how because he was immune they could not harm him. It gave me the feeling of the scene in the terminator where the guy explains how the machines got control. So for the most part the voiceover worked for me.

But I won’t sugarcoat it, the rest of your script is a hard read. Now maybe I am just not smart as some but that is my truth. The thing is I am not even sure why it’s a hard read. Perhaps it was too many parenthicals or too much talking. But that isn’t the whole reason.

I loved your opening and hoped you were going to take the story in a direction very different than anyone else. But I felt you didn’t deliver. All these people that say too much voiceover that’s a crock a shit. Your voiceover mostly worked but than you didn’t deliver. In Shawshank Red narrates the story of Dupree. But no mistake about it this is a story of Dupree and Red narrates it all the way through. In your’s Titus Narrates his own story for the first 15 pages (for me it worked until the montage and then it started to drag the story down) but then he doesn’t narrate again.

That was a mistake to me. It is his story and you started him narrating it and I think 3 or 4 times in the script would have worked well. Have him narrate the story as he saw it throughout the script. In fact that might have kept you on track that this was the story of titus and zombies. If you would have just done that it would have been an improvement IMO. But you didn’t and worst the story loses our hero. Titus gets lost in their with too many characters. (I think that’s one of the biggest the problem)

So your opening was really good and I had high hopes to see what they would do with our hero titus. But it just seems the story drags along at this point. Lots of death and dialogue and not enough action. Okay so as I am reading it that is what I am thinking. This is a darker story that goes deeper into the characters. And part of my problem now is the thing I liked best about the original was the action. And in yours it just seems like it takes so long to get him in the Amphitheatre.

I felt their were too many distractions from our hero… You even have the hero say so.

TITUS
(cracks a smile)
Please do not get bitten and force
me to behead you, Marcus, because I
will miss the distraction of your
never ending words.

So obviously that was your intention. But it didn’t work for me. There were scenes from the original that I thought the talking needed to be trimmed and yet you added Marcus comments which just watered down the scene. IMO. Nero starts to just feel a distraction also at times.

There is the scene leading into the second act where Lucius begs Titus to fight with him and I was thinking it needs to be tighter and you made it longer almost twice as long as the original.

Wait! Hear me out!
They hesitate.

LUCIUS
Even if you make it past these
monsters, the city is surely
surrounded by the Roman legion.

MARCUS
But they will not worry about a few
ugly mugs like ours when these
creatures overrun the city.

LUCIUS
Maybe that is so, but you are still
gladiators and property of the state.
They'll kill you if they recognize
you.

TITUS
I'll take my chances

IMO Marcus lines are exactly a distraction. Which leads to a bigger problem. In the original the above scene occurs at page 32 but in yours it occurs at page 66. That is just way to late to get into what I consider the beginning of the second act. Yes the problem with the original is it is heavy on action but light on story and you reversed it some, but at the expense of making it move along too slow. In some parts it feels like a talkie movie. And again IMO ZVG should never be a talkie movie. The thing you did seem to cut is the action and that didn’t really work for me.

There some things I like in the second half. The Lavinia daughter thing is a nice twist but it needs to be worked in better. Because you took the feisty Lavinia that I thought could be improved and gave her a different roll that made me feel a little uncomfortable but that is probably because I had a different opinion built in already.

I complain that some of your dialogue is too long. But your dialogue is very good at times. There is the potential of a good story. You definitely started off well so if you could just tell me the story I was hoping for and that was a tired Titus that was unhappy with life but had super powers and then he finally becomes transformed because he wants to save the people and later his daughter and becomes a real hero.

I think you can fix it just make Titus more active. I would go over everything from Titus and pick out 3 or 4 spots where he can do some narration that helps focus the story back on him. I would make him a much more active hero.I would use that narration to give exposition that allows you to jump through some of the scenes quicker. I would put more action back in the script. But of course in the end that is all my opinion and I am just another guy on here who has never one a prize or sold a script. So take it as you will. Good luck RJ

Okay I am going to trash your script but before I do let me say this is the best ZVG script I have read so far. Now I’ve only read a dozen of them and I used your notes to avoid some of the ones you said were the worst. So if your notes are accurate than you may have the best ZVG script so far.

Your writing is clean and fluid. It is easy to read your script. You do not have all the errors you will find in most. Good formatting.

Of course I am sure you know all of this. Now let the trashing begin.

Lavinia rapes Titus! Really Lauri? What man would have to be tied down. Is Titus a Gladiator or Gay Waiter? Yes there are some men that would say no to that but not the majority of them not even close especially with an attractive woman. And to open her legs and then he is still saying no. It is not reality to most of the male population and it makes our hero feel so wrong. And it happens so soon. It is a hard thing for your script to overcome. It would be better if she seduced him so much that he finally gave in and then had remorse latter. Or he got drunk and didn't realize it was her or it was an orgy and he didn't realize who he was fucking. At least that is believable and makes him feel human. Even in the way he says no he is acting like a whimp about it. Titus is your hero make him act like one.

Yes it one scene but it is the scene your story is built upon. Beyond the whimpy attitude of your hero the scene is a poor way to do exposition. There has got a be a better way to tell the audience Titus story without Lavinia acting like THE CLOSER.

Titus is to passive the first half and really most of the script and then when you make him active a little bit you throw him in a cell. Even when he saves the Amazon girl he turns to whimpy and starts crying. There’s nothing wrong with a man crying. But you cry for your children your mother and your beloved wife. Not for a lady he hardly knows who has tried to kill him. Yeah I get what you are trying to do. It doesn’t work. You either have to give him a different cure or different way to discover it or make a lot more back story why he really is deeply in love for this amazon freakazoid lady who kills for a living.

Which brings me to salt. Really? Salt as the cure. You mean all this time they just needed to serve the zombies some mcdonalds fries and they would be cured? Or just get the Morton girl to come in and sprinkle them with salt and make the zombies turn good. I got to give you credit for trying but salt is a little weak. And the riddle is also weak.

The Bokor -- I like the bokor… He is very interesting you build him up well and then NOTHING. BLAH!. Throw him out if that is all you intend to use him for. Show him doing something. Look at someone to become a nuisance or a better aid to Titus. I root you keep the bokor but not the way he is.

A baby really? 9 months and they introduce the baby. What did she do pop out the baby right there in the imperial box. Or maybe that is why they call it the imperial box. And then Daddy can look across the arena and see that the baby is Titus’s. Really, a one day old baby and the father is convinced it is Titus’s and wants to kill him. Flavius alias Sherlock holmes is brilliant. Now just make his partner Watson. And running around with a baby just seemed weird. Make the baby mystical or possessed or talking at two days. Seriously what if you started the movie with the kid being like 5 and then showed a flashback of the rape (I hate the rape) then the kid can have some character. I don’t know but the baby’s moments are almost irrelevant. In fact it would be easy to write the baby out and change the story very little. And again you make Titus weak and passive about his own child. He says “No I don’t want him. He is better off without me.” And then they give him to him and he is overjoyed. What a stupid whimpy dad! He needs to Fight for his kid or rename him WHIMPASS

Lavinia becomes a rapist whore!!! WOW! Okay that’s different. But now Lavinia is the main villain and she is clearly more villainous than she is in the original but the villain is not much stronger than the villain in the first. It is basically just transfereed over to Lavinia. So the villain is just really a little more interesting but not so much more evil.

Okay what I like about your story. The salt is better than some impossible scientific cure that is totally unbelievable. But still weak.

The movie moves along. The ending is better and the story is overall better.

Lavinia has more character but she seems to steal from Flavius and makes flavius a weaker villain.

Okay at this point you may forget I said your script is the best I read so far. And it is easy for me to trash your script but I doubt my script is as good and and I think you can fix most of the problems I listed.

The romance is better but I keep seeing this giant girl try to jump Titus bones and till finally he says I am on top. And that is really the biggest problem of your script.

Titus is always on the bottom the whole movie. He needs to say from the beginning. HEY BIITCHES, I AM ON TOP!

I rate the first half of your script a 2+ and the secong half a 4. So overall I give you a three.

Great Job!