Brian Zibricky (Plainfield, IL)

I took some notes down while reading. Some notes include your misspellings to aid in your rewrite so I hope you don't think I'm nit picking!

p.1 Foreign is misspelled
p.10 check - Fairly certain that Audette is the main character at this point, but besides character intros, not much has happened yet. Would it be possible to delay some of the other character intros so Audette's story is presented a bit faster?
p.23 decoy should be decor.
p.30 check - Wher is the "event" that is going to spin this story for Audette? The night out with the boys hasn't resulted in anything yet - I'm on p.33 and been playing shy for about 7 pages.
p.35 - BROWN - What DO are you saving up for?
p.42 - We spent 13 pages (29-42) in the Happy Club with not a lot happening - any way to tighten that scene up?
Booze with formaldehyde in it?! Love it!
p.53 - Again is misspelled

Overall take: As my Review Title states, this story felt like Swingers for the military set.
What I liked:
* The dialogue was often fun and very indicitive of what a bynch of young guys might actually sound like
* I liked how you can tell the difference between a new arrival like Audette and a seasoned and jaded veteren like Kranick through their dialogue and actions (especially at the end)
* I liked the back and forth between Rivas and Snatcho
* The Korean girls were well written, though there wasn't much to differentiate them

What I didn't like so much:
* The dialogue as fun as it is at times is very redundant and I felt many scenes could have been chopped in half for better comedic effect
* I feel the script needs to have more beats of action and events earlier on. The last 25 pages or so finally brings the script to life and was easily the best part of the script.
* I was waiting with anticipation for the point where some our characters cross the line into the Korean soldiers area (the Turkey Farm) and make a move on their girls. IMO, this needs to happen much earlier and spin itself off into even more trouble for Rivas and Snatcho.
* The story structure itself was a bit lacking due to the fact that the major beats of a script seem to be absent. Nothing really occurs for Audette to take him to new places or force him to to take action at any point.

I think this premise is great and certainly would be fun to see come to life on screen. Thanks for opportunity to let me read it!
-Brian