Ken Glover Round Rock, TX

First off, scary from the beginning. I was hooked by page two. You write very well. Your descriptions are top notch. There is a slight problem with screenplay format, though, and I will address them right now.

I wouldn't have them repeat themselves in this early conversation.

NOEL
Alex, let’s go. Up the hill, now!

The branches on the trees snap and twist.

ANGELA
Did you see that?

The trunks of the trees begin to twist, the roots begin to
pop out of the ground.

NOEL
What’s going on? Alex get back
here.

The trees float above ground as they twist and mangle
themselves into new shapes.

ANGELA
Noel get Alex.

NOEL
Alex get back here now!

Noel starts up the hill towards Alex.

Suddenly the trees start to explode one by one into tiny bits of bark.

As soon as Noel’s hand lands on Alex’s shoulder, he is thrust back down the hill by an invisible force.

Angela screams as--

Noel tumbles down the hill and onto a pile of snow and wet soil. He looks up and sees--

Alex, his little fists clenched, facing forward, eyes closed.

Noel lies firmly on the ground watching him. He sees--

Particles of what were trees float away.

Sheets of paper with artwork on them fly by as well. The
sheets fly upwards into the sky until they disappear.


See? It reads faster this way. I notice this is at 91 pages. It can be the full 120 if you want it, but there are cuts you need to make too. So I would try and get it to 105-110.

Like this next paragraph -

EXT. INWOOD HEIGHTS - DAY

Snow falls heavily on everything in the neighborhood which is mostly made up of buildings from the pre-war era.

In front of the building are PILOT and B-PLUS, both about 15, shivering with a boom-box by their legs blasting hip hop.

A CAR drives by with THREE PUNKS, sporting MOHAWKS. A BOTTLE is tossed out of the car--

And CRASHES on a door by to Pilot and B-Plus.

The car drives away with the passengers laughing.


Take out "The building the Sanchez' live in..." stuff because we don't know that yet. And take out "they live on the top floor" and "the cars are covered" because you already said that. See? Not all in one paragraph, but broken up by what we (the audience) SEES and HEARS.

Okay, here's what I do. I read the first ten pages, and I try to get the following -

1. Establish the tone/genre (is this a comedy, fantasy, spoof, etc.)
2. Introduce your main character: interesting, flawed, and if not likeable, at least empathetic is
somebody we can hope and fear for.
3. Clarify the world of the story and the status quo.
4. Indicate the theme or message (Good vs. Evil, Man vs. Nature, etc.)
5. Set up the dramatic situation – that is, what the story is going to be about.

Your first ten pages have all of the above. We know this is going to be a treat because of the things you mention in the first ten pages.

But you have to work on the structure. I skipped ahead to 25-30 and found nothing about murder. According to your synopsis, that is the point Alex finds out he 'likes' it. I thnk it should happen around then. It whips the story around, holds us in the story, and gives us something un-expected.

So, in a nutshell, your synopsis and premise, your overall story, is awesome. I would watch it. You really need to consider another draft though, go through it, break up the action, no more than three lines in a paragraph. Also, too much dialogue. Find a way to SHOW and not TELL. I read an article somewhere that said most studios execs skip the dialogue and only read the action because dialogue always changes. I worked on the set of Platoon, and they re-wrote dialogue on the set!

Good effort, needs a LOT of work, but you have a good thing to work off of, reminds me of my first screenplay, all kinds of description and such, not needed. MAKE IT POP!

Good luck, hope this was useful.

Is that a word?

First off, awesome screenplay, the structure is right on as far as how to write a screenplay, the story flows pretty damn fast, the writing is very stecatto-machine gun style, "It gets people Goin'!"

Secondly, you need to comb over it and correct some spelling, some 'then's should be 'than's and so forth. Other than that, solid.

Back to structure. Is there any way to put a scene or two in before the Mom gets killed? Maybe, a scene introducing the cops or another scene with a drug dealer, or something, so that the Mom gets killed around page 20-30? It would seem to me that is what spins the story around and puts the plot point right where it needs to be. Upping the ante at the right timeframe. Just my opinion. That would maybe put the screenplay at 100 or so pages.

It's a fast read, a great story, awesome dialogue. Good luck!

Overall, yes, it is boring, but I'm sure there is a place for it. I'm not into 'dramedies' that much. I was having a hard time with Midnight in Paris, which is nominated! The fact that it is Woody Allen kept me in there, but even the crazy story in that one wasn't for me.

The previous reviewer got to page 20. I pushed to page 30.

First off, page one, you didn't tell me anything about Danny or Tina, just


DANNY (27) and TINA (27) are standing side-by-side, both looking straight ahead at
an empty, wall-mounted bookshelf.


I don't know who or what I am 'seeing'.

What I like to do is break up the action -


DANNY (27) dorky, wishes he were Bill Gates, and TINA (27) perky, but offset by a
lady Dianna persona, are standing side-by-side, both looking straight ahead at
an empty, wall-mounted bookshelf.

There are boxes of books, an old toolbox, frames photos, and the odd
trinket scattered on the floor.

Just like you do on page 6 -

The bartender, CHRIS (40), a normally good-natured
foodservice industry lifer ...


Pet peeve of mine, take out the parenthenticals (beat) and the CONTINUES

And you need to just write the dialogue, not act it out -

DANNY
"Yes," what?

TINA
Do I "want [you] to" what?

You already introduced Danny, why is he CAPS on page 3? And 13, and whenever you introduce a character with DANNY?

And again, throughout the screenplay, you should tell us at least what these people look like - Check this -

He is talking to his sister, REBECCA (23), on the phone, through the car speakers.

Now, where does it state this is his sister? Not in any of the dialogue that follows. And what does she look like, is she a frumpy looking sister, a hot ass sister, a sister from another mother sister? We know nothing about the people in your screenplays except their ages, some of what they wear. I don't know, seems like it needs work in that department, so I won't harp on it anymore.

This is a talkie, VERY TALKIE. I sat through 'Atlas Shrugged: Part One'. My wife loved it, I had no clue what was going on, lost my interest by the 10-minute mark (ten pages) because I didn't know where the story was going. I really don't know where your story is going. I could make suggestions to make it 'read' better, break up the action to two to three lines each, cut out all the (parenthenticals) and let the actors act when it comes time, and put some sort of conflict in the narrative. This guy Danny is a whiney little sucker. He's stuck, because of what? (Your LOGLINE)

And what does he do to get unstuck? I didn't get far enough into the read to get it.

Sorry, but for me, this would be a 'pass' effort. But the story could be great, maybe, for a talkie, you have a good sense of the dialogue you are writing, it just needs a story.

Just to start, congrats on your win. I hated the first draft, and I started reading the 2nd, and as you wrote, it is somewhat improved.

Following is what I liked.

According to your synopsis, the main characters Terrel and Malachi, are kind of joined at the hip, one happens to be a vampire, doling out justice for the LAPD. This is a VERY interesting story. Never seen nor heard anything like it.

That is a plus.


The FLASHBACK on page 14 should read just -

FLASHBACK

INT. PORTER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

dadada....all the way through the flashback, not at every scene change, I was confused because I thought you were having a flashback within the flashback. Then on page 18 it should read -

END FLASHBACK

You should take out 'Um's 'well's and 'Oh's, just a peeve of mine, actors will act it out.

I would take out all the parethenticals, (To Terrel) or (To Redding) or (To ANYBODY). Not needed. You already know who a person is talking to. Just makes it leaner.

Page 39 -

BACKYARD

Terrel and Malachi come to a sliding glass door.

Malachi creeps over to it and tries pulling it open.

MALACHI
Locked.

Why is he stating the obvious? You already SHOWED the door was locked, why state it?

Same thing Page 45 -

BY MALACHI AND TERREL

Nazaryan is furious.

NAZARYAN
Those bastards.

She struts over to the barricade, leaving Malachi and Terrel
behind.

It should go like this -

BY MALACHI AND TERREL

Nazaryan struts over to the barricade, leaving Malachi and Terrel
behind.

NAZARYAN
Those bastards.


There's a 'well' after that -

MALACHI
Well, kid... there’s your leak.
Goddamn media ratted us out.

No "Well, kid"! There were THREE 'Well's on one page.

Another one -

BY THE POLICE BARRICADE

Nazaryan walks right up to the reporter and cameraman.

NAZARYAN
(to Reporter)
Listen to me, you see all these
cops? By being here, you’re blowing
their cover and possibly
endangering their lives!

She already is walking up to the reporter and cameraman, why is there (to Reporter) there? No parentheticals. Trust me, it will be leaner and easier to read.


Page 48 - (to Leilani) HAS GOT TO GO!!

Okay, here I am at page 60, the supposed midpoint of the story, and I'm just now finding out Malachi is a vampire.

And therein lies my issue with this screenplay. STRUCTURE.

At certain points of a screenplay, for a producer, reader, contest, anything, there is a certain structure that has to be followed. I'm sure you have heard of them - Whether it's from Syd Field, Blake Snyder, Michael Hauge, or that Calvesi STORY BEATS guy, there are certain story beats, certain things that have to happen to A) Make a good story great B) Keep the reader interested C) Make a production company want to film it.

1st ten pages should introduce your main protagonist. Terrell is not introduced until page 10. Your antagonist should be revealed soon after - we need to know who our hero and villian is. We need to know what the story is about before page 25-30! Really, we do. Example, you spent WAY too much time on Officer NEIL and LARRY, who are not even IN THE STORY! Thats hould have taken maybe three pages, four at the most. They are not important, they talk too much,and they are not Terrel. I kept reading because I wanted to see if there was a reason you broke away from STRUCTURE. There is no reason.

I would have liked to at least get a hint that Malachi is a vampire by page 30, at least! But it's on page 60. Why?

Something has to happen on 25-30 that whips us around and makes us say "DAAAaaamn!" Then you hit us with all the chasing the perps and stuff, then hit us with page 60. It should go like this -

1) Opening: All of the characters must be introduced in the first ten pages!!

2) Inciting Incident: 10-15

3) Strong Movement Forward: 10-30

4) End of Act One

EVENT/TURN: 25-30 Something that WHIPS US INTO UNFORESEEN TERRITORY.

DECISION:

5) First Trial/Casualty: 39-53

Combat (?):

6) Midpoint: 60 – 63

7) Declaration of War/Assumption of Power: 74 – 82

8) End of Act Two

TURN (Plot Point): 88-90

DECISION:

9) True Point of No Return: 90-100

10) Climax: 100-120

Really, break it down to 90-110 pages or so, but this is what the STRUCTURE should be. Act I, II, and III. The above is one sample, the author's/experts I mentioned earlier have different views on what should be on those pages, but the basic STRUCTURE is the same. Go study them.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything. You won the month competition, I just want it to be the best it can be, the story is there, the characters are awesome, the dialogue is good, but I think there is a LOT of wok that needs to be done.

Let me know if I can help.